Fic: Tears and Rain
Title: Tears and Rain
Author: rainbow_romeo
Genre: Slash
Words: ~3100
Rating: R
Pairing: implied Gibbs/DiNozzo, explicit McGee/Tony friendship (and pre-slash if I ever write a sequel)
Prompt: “Tony in tears and one of the male characters comforting him” from sarkywoman‘s NCIS kink meme
Spoilers: Hiatus
A/N: So this should be the 159243850278490254823057th Hiatus story. I would love to link this story to the prompt in sarkywoman’s meme, but I can’t find it anymore =( I’d be thankful for any help.
It had been raining on and off ever since they had processed the crime scene. Tim was starting to wonder if his all time hero was actually powerful enough to control the weather.
The news that Gibbs had woken up with no recollection of the last 15 years, having forgotten them, had been bittersweet for everyone. He had been ecstatic after spending every second since the explosion being terrified Gibbs would never ever wake up again, but being forgotten? Just like that?
It wasn’t hard to explain why that news hurt so badly. It was a lot as if his mother would have come home one day, telling him his Dad had forgotten he and his sister even existed. Gibbs was a lot like a father to him and not just to him. Obviously the whole team worshiped the ground their leader walked on and the age difference made it easy to feel like the offspring, even if they weren’t actually young enough to be Gibbs’s kids.
But they were a family all the same, a family with an empty chair on the head of the dinner table.
The worst part was that there had been no time to be sad, no time to sit around Gibbs’s bed and tell him every reason why he had to remember them as soon as possible. They’d had to stay on the case, they’d had to focus on saving hundreds of lives, they’d had to find the answer.
In the end their hero was still there to save the day, even if he was bruised and broken and didn’t actually remember them, that much was obvious. Tim had been okay with that for the moment, much too busy with being shocked by what he had witnessed in MTAC. He could understand Gibbs’s outrage, every little bit of it. It boggled his mind what had happened and he was starting to question all those “accidents” he’d ever seen on the news. How many of those had been actual accidents?
He had to actually shake his head to clear it. It was finally time to go home.
Abby had been crying for hours. Not about the ship being blown to shreds just to keep the story behind it from the media. Nobody was comfortable with telling her stuff like that and if it had to be done, it was his job and Tim was more than glad that there was no reason why she would have to find out.
The fact that her surrogate father had left them was more than enough for her to deal with. So he had held her, comforted her and finally managed to make her smile again. Maybe Gibbs was just resigning, because he was too angry to deal with NCIS for a while? Maybe he would come back in a few days? Maybe he just had to go work on his boat for a week and then he would be okay again? It was Gibbs after all and a little bit one on one time with his basement had always seemed to cure anything.
She had laughed about that, kissed him and he had had to send her off in her herse, because she hadn’t wanted him to drive her home. She would be okay, she always was.
With a chime the elevator doors opened on the right level and Tim stepped out, immediately directing his gaze to the windows, only to heave a deep sigh and look away again - still raining. He had to collect his things, pack up the paperwork he was planning on doing at home, shut down the computers of all members of the team, since they only ever turned off their monitors. He felt strange not to have to power down Gibbs’s computer. It hadn’t been used since the last time he’d turned it off.
The paperwork was already prepared, so he only had to put the folder into his bag, then grabbed his jacket and turned to finally leave the building after what had seemed to be a week of non-stop work.
He hesitated.
“Tony?”
It was only a silhouette in front of one of the giant windows, since the ceiling lights in the bullpen had already been turned off hours ago. But he knew that frame, at least he was pretty sure he did.
“What are you still doing here, Tony?”
Still no answer. Tim stepped closer, stopping right behind his colleague, who he could now identify in all certainty. Tony was stoically looking out into the dark. And there was a bottle of Scotch in his hand, surprisingly full.
It seemed Tony had read his mind. “I broke into the Director’s office. She know has Scotch up there and I don’t think she’ll figure out I’m the one stealing it. Doesn’t even matter today, doesn’t taste right anyway.”
“What have you been doing the last few hours? I’d have thought you’d gone home right after...” Tim hesitated again, unsure if “after he left” or “after it happened” fit the situation better.
“Didn’t feel like going home. Ziva... She went home immediately after. I don’t think...”
It was no surprise to Tim that waiting for Tony to finish that sentence was futile. He couldn’t wrap his mind around Ziva’s reaction either. She had smiled! She had been okay with it all. Sure, that woman had seen many so disturbingly more traumatic things in her lifetime, but still! Their father figure #1 had abandoned them, however long it would be for. Ziva hadn’t seemed phased at all, not one bit!
“So what have you been doing then?”
“I don’t know. Searched autopsy for alcohol, searched Abby’s lab for leftovers from the last lab-party before you two came down. Then I saw Director Sheppard leaving and picked the lock of her office door. Her sofa is really comfy.”
“So you... slept up there ‘till now?”
“Nah... I just... thought about... stuff. It’s been a hell of a day, hasn’t it? Kind of reminds me of Kate’s death. It was raining back then, too.”
He hadn’t thought of that and it didn’t seem like the right time to do it right then, because Tony was chuckling to himself and opening the bottle in his hand. Tim finally noticed his teammate’s shoulders shaking slightly, finally stepped up to him in order to actually look into his face.
And even though his voice had been clear and unemotional, even though he had seemed perfectly calm there was a surprising amount of wet streaks on his face, left there by a probably even bigger amount of tears.
Tony was silently crying.
He was also grinning, shaking his head with a low chuckle, before he turned to face Tim. His eyes were still filled with tears.
“It’s just so strange, you know? Everything is the same, all that tension is gone, it’s no longer about waiting for him to wake up, it’s no longer about hoping he’ll survive all this. We know he’s survived and he’s fairly okay. Everything’s okay now.”
“If you feel like that, then why are your crying, Tony?”
“I’m not crying!” He laughed. “This is just... my body is sad. I’m not.”
“I know it’s hard, Tony. It does feel very strange to me, actually, and I know it does to you, too. We know even less about when we’ll see him again, if he will really be okay again and all that. I think it’s okay to be sad about that.”
“I’m not sad, McGooey! It’s not like we thought he’d be here at NCIS forever, he’s quite... advanced, he’s not the youngest and who would deserve early retirement more than Gibbs?”
Tim was unsure how much of Tony not making sense was to be attributed to the bottle of Scotch steadily losing more of its content. He wasn’t a big fan of talking to drunk people, but he was also not quite sure if Tony wasn’t maybe just drunk on desperation and if that was the case he couldn’t just let him stay the night in the bullpen to be found the next morning with an empty bottle of Scotch. Tony had been taught that bottles were good listeners much too early in life and that saddened Tim to this day still.
“But why did you say your body was sad then? Why are you crying if you’re not sad about Gibbs leaving us?”
The laughter escaping from Tony’s mouth was as surprising as it was worrying. It was whole-heartedly and loud, shaking his body from head to toe until he bent down to catch his breath. Unfortunately Tim was still holding his bag and jacket, so he wasn’t quick enough to stop his partner from losing his balance and collapsing against the window.
And then Tony was crying hysterically, the bottle forgotten on the floor, his face buried in the palms of his hands. So it hadn’t been the alcohol. Tony was a happy drunk and if he wasn’t, he was a contemplative drunk, but he always seemed emotionless, like the booze dulled his feelings. Right now, his sadness clearly wasn’t dulled in any way.
“Hey, Tony, come on.” Tim finally decided to place his belongings on the floor and, after a few seconds of further hesitation, he put his hand on Tony’s arm, squeezing carefully in an attempt to comfort. “It’s okay if you have to let it out, I promise you nobody would think any less of you right now. We all feel bad at the moment.”
The crying got louder and the normally strong and proud man Tim knew tried to crawl into himself, folding his long legs to rest against his chest, hiding his face behind crossed arms. It was so much harder to comfort someone like Tony. With Abby it was no problem, because whenever she cried, she held her arms out, let Tim hug her and hold her until she was better. Sometimes he stroked his hands over her back or caressed her neck, depending on where they were and why she was crying. Tonight he’d only had to hold her and let he squeeze him half to death so she could assure herself that at least Tim hadn’t left her.
But holding Tony? That was strange.
“How long have you been crying? Have you tried thinking about something else?”
He was starting to feel more and more helpless with the unresponsive Tony beside him.
“Have you... called Gibbs? Maybe you could go to his house and talk to him? He could explain what’s going on, let you know things don’t have to change as much as you probably think.”
Obviously that had been the wrong choice of worlds. Tony was laughing again, sounding less sane by the second and looking more like a madman as he raised his head to look at his colleague.
“He doesn’t know my name. He doesn’t know me! And you tell me things will be the same! Very funny, Tim, very damn fucking funny, McClueless!”
The older man was sobbing frantically, almost unable to catch his breath and Tim was starting to fear he’d go into hyperventilation if he didn’t calm down soon.
“I know, it’s not that easy, but you don’t know what’ll happen. Maybe he’ll remember soon! He got from not knowing a thing to comprehending the whole last case in so little time. He could know all about his Senior Field Agent in a few hours and then you’ll be okay again. But you need to calm down for now, Tony, or you’ll hurt yourself. This wouldn’t help anyone else and I doubt it’d help you either.”
“Help me? What the hell could help me right now, McGee? This is all wrong! Everything is wrong! My whole life is wrong and it’s all in pieces and Gibbs is gone. He is just - fucking - gone!”
“Why is this affecting your whole life? Of course it’ll be hard without Gibbs, but hey, you could even try and be happy about this, you’re the Boss now! I might even start calling you that if you make me. Think about it! Even Ziva will have to call you Boss, because you’ll actually be her superior. That’s quite an accomplishment, isn’t it?”
When he raised his head this time, the red, wide open eyes and agonized facial expression made Tony look completely insane and Tim almost withdrew from him. This was obviously more than sadness. Tony was devastated.
“You’re telling me I should be happy? You’re telling me I should be happy the one person who ever committed to standing by me just vanished without a second word and I get to deal with his leftovers now? You’re saying I should be happy, because the only person who ever took the time to actually notice me doesn’t even know my name? I should be glad that Gibbs doesn’t remember I’m the guy he’s been fucking into his own damn mattress every fucking night? I should be glad I’ve got nowhere to go, because I don’t have my own apartment anymore and can’t tell a man who feels like he just lost his wife and daughter he’s been living with his male life-partner for four years? Well, sorry, McWise, I’m not fucking happy!”
It was a cheesy moment of time slowing down and everything going silent around him. Too much information at once and not even Tim’s methodical categorizing was helping him comprehend the words he’d just heard. Everything got listed as “left to be analyzed later”, because this was just too big.
Committed. Fucking. Life-partner. four years.
Tony and Gibbs. Gibbs committed. Gibbs fucking. Gibbs being somebody’s life-partner. Gibbs living with someone for four years. Gibbs and Tony.
Tony being fucked!
This was big. This was just too big to be real.
“I’m not sure what’s going to happen now, Tim.”
Tony’s voice was quiet all of a sudden and instead of sobbing out loud, he was almost silently crying again, only now his voice was actually shaking with tears. Suddenly Tim felt like this Tony was a hell of a lot scarier than the raging, mad one.
“Regarding what exactly?”
“I don’t know... Anything, really. I’m not sure where I’m living. I’m not sure how I’ll be the boss, if Director Sheppard actually wants me to be the boss. I’m not sure how... this will all be without Gibbs. I’m not sure I can do this. I just... Part of me wants to run home and beg him to remember me, but I know I can’t. And even if I do, things won’t ever go back to normal.”
“Why can’t they? I mean, as I said, maybe he’ll remember you and your... relationship in a few days and then you can go back to the way you were before, can’t you?”
“He’s got... He’s got a family, Tim. A wife he really, really loved, one he didn’t divorce, one he still loved when she got taken away from him. He had a daughter! Gibbs actually had a kid once! He had someone he rocked to sleep after nightmares, someone he prepared school lunches for, someone who he built swing sets for. And it’s like they just died, like he just lost them. Even if I believe he got over that enough to love me now, he’s back then with his head, with his heart. He still loves them. It’ll take him another decade to get over them again. And who’s to say he’ll fall in love with me then? This was a once in a lifetime chance, Tim. I don’t get chances like that twice.”
Love.
So they were in love. At least Tony was in love, Gibbs probably had been in love before the explosion and the whole memory loss thing. They hadn’t just been fucking as Tony had said, they had been in love. For years even! It was so hard to comprehend a thing like that. Tim, as a person who had often questioned his sexuality, had always thought Gibbs and Tony to be as straight as they come. You couldn’t be any straighter than a macho Italian gigolo or an accomplished former Marine Gunnery Sergeant.
They weren’t heterosexual. Tim wasn’t sure which term would fit them instead, but they weren’t strictly heterosexual. What a revelation! And it hadn’t even been just for the sex, they had loved each other, probably spent days in the infamous basement together or in Gibbs’s backyard. They’d had a first kiss together! A first time!
“What are you going to do if Gibbs notices your stuff at his place?”
He was aware that he hadn’t reacted at all to Tony’s desperate outburst. He just wasn’t ready yet, he had no answers, no words to say that would sound right, it was still too much of a stirred mess inside his head.
“He’s not going to. We’re keeping... We’ve been keeping my clothes and most of my other stuff in one of the other rooms in case someone stays over at Gibbs’s. Abby does it once in a while, Ducky has, too, if they’d drunken too much Bourbon and stayed up too late talking. I already got all that and put it in my car and hid few boxes in the evidence garage. We even installed a second living room upstairs with my TV and everything.”
Tony smiled, making Tim realize that the older man had almost stopped crying.
“He even built a giant shelf for my TV and the DVDs and videos. But he... he told me he hadn’t used that room for years before we converted it. It had just been storage, I never looked into the boxes when we carried them up into the attic. Do you... Do you think it was his daughter’s room? That he hadn’t used it, because it had been too painful? Or maybe he’d once used that room as the bedroom? Maybe he’d slept in there with his first wife?”
And then he was sobbing again, trying to bury his teeth into his lower lip to muffle the sounds. Tim could only sigh and now he did place his arm around Tony’s shoulders, much as if he was holding him. Much as he would have done with Abby. Not because Tony felt like less of a man to him, but because he felt as if Tony was the saddest man on earth and deserved to be comforted more than anyone else.
The older agent rested his head on Tim’s arm.
“This just can’t be happening.”
“I know, Tony, I know. And it shouldn’t be, honestly, this should never have happened to either of you.”
End.