(no subject)
I felt like going on a rant again...
So here it goes...
I was up north all week, and i truthfully ate more there than i have in the past 2 months being here.
Sunday- after driving from claire we hung out... just us and it felt so... home. then she went to work at the casino, and i sat up and enjoyed my night alone.
Monday- we went to shoot pool at her friend Neil's bar. and she again had to work.
Tuesday- we took a road trip to kalamazoo for a funeral that we sat in the car while neil went in. then we went to this really nice pub/bar and had the best Chicken BLT ever... well the only chicken BLT ive ever had in my life....
Wensday- we went to my aunt lindas bar to get brosted chicken, becuase its my favorite. and it was really my... birthday dinner... as seeing as i didnt get one on my birthday. The girl that she babysits spent the night, shes cool, for an 11 year old. and grams went to work.
Thursday- me and grams took a road trip. We went to the hourse stables so i could get some pictures then to Travers city. We went to interlochen to get some information on the school. I might sign up for next year. Possibly the following year for coledge.
We went to outback for a great time. So many laughs we had. On the way up we passed this huge Hotel called the Great wolf in or something like that. It was huge... I mean HUGE! 54035 million pools with water slides and a "water park". We went down to the arcade room, and we played some games. I was playing skii ball... and i had 2 left of my last game... and i threw one of the balls in the poutch of my hoodie... Well... i ended up walking out of the hotel with it. I was backing up out of the parking lot and i felt something in my pocket.... i stoped the car and put it in park. my grandma thought i was on some cheep drugs. I pulled out the ball and laughed till i was in tears. i didnt remember putting it there but i ended up with it and didnt even know it. I hoped that no one saw me do it becuase i really didnt even realize it. On the way back it was snowing incredibly hard to the point where i couldent see the road. So we ended up stoping at neils bar to see what the skibby was there. Shot some pool, drank 3-4 mountian dews and almost beat the shit out of neil becuase he likes to fuck with me. In a "hey im a freindly drunk" way. We didnt get home till about 1230 then we went in the hot tub for about an hour 1 and a half.
Friday- went to visit my other grandma in the hospital for a while. and we went home the rest of the day and chilled out. Rented American Wedding on PPV and passed out.
Saturday- ... went to my grandmas(the one in the hospital) school house, and the whole thing was flooded... so we had to clean that out. and i had to pee in a cup in the woods becuase she shut off the water... they burst and that caused the flood. We went home and ate our burnt dinner (which had been in the oven from... 330 till 730. .. then my mom got there. and we got all dressed out and went to my aunts bar for a mardi gras party. It was a blast. In order of the bar...
Mom, Aunt linda, grams, and me. Well... My mom was flirting with the bar tender... grams got a hot date (he was old and drunk but... whatever floats her boat) and i talked to jeff. Hes 22 and we were dancing (which he had to show me the "country" way to dance... by spinning me around and acting like a moron.... lol) and talking the whole night. So i gave him my number telling him if he was ever in the area to give me a call and we can hang out. At first i thought he was a perv, and in his 30's ... no hes 22 and actually went to coledge here. He was really parinoid of my mom becuase she kept giving him dirty looks like "if you fuck with my daughter im gonna kill you" but the bartender knows him and reasured her that hes harmless. Hes a really nice guy, that i could see myself being friends with when i move up there.
Sunday- I was in a really good mood all morning thinking that my mom wasnt gonna be a bitch and let me stay another week... well that didnt happen which ruined my whole mood. and my mom and grandma ended up going to my aunts bar to say goodbye and i sat at home. Becuase they were impatiant to wait for me to get a shower. I threw a 3 1/2 hour fit becuase i didnt want to come home and i ended up telling my mom i hate it here....(as in where im at now)
shes like "oh thanks..." "why the hell do you have to be so horible to me..."
-Horible?
-Your never home...
-I cant talk to you about my problems..
-Becuase when i start talking...
-You interupt me...
-Your husbands an ass hole...
"hes not always like that"
-Well your never home, you wouldent know.... would you?
-You married him... I didnt...
-Im 17 and i know whats not right and whats right for me.
Its bullshit, im so sick of it. I try and try all the time just to talk, and i dont get heard. From either of them. So im thinking... for my best interest... and dont any of you think about putting a guilt trip on me, i dont need it right now... That after hawaii, im moving. I will finish off school there, and Inerlochen is about an hour away so i could start coledge the next year.
I can get a job... either at my aunts bar, or the casino when i turn 18. And any sooner than that the girl she babysits dad owns the Right-Aid... i could work there. I would have my own car so on long weekends or vacations, i can come back here and stay with friends.
So the whole way home... We faught for about an hour... then didnt talk the rest of the way.
I dont know, i just want to win this, i want this for me.I thought about it on sunday... as my mom was throwing all my shit around and thretening to kick my ass... ive never done anything major for myself... It would be a diffrent living situation, definatly... i would have to do more work. But im ok with that, as long as i know ill have a roof over my head and someone steady to talk to... im ok with that.
Seems, a piece of me is gone. Sence ive been back i mean. Hes been on my case becuase of my addiction.
Its getting harder to breath. My handcuffs are getting tighter by him. What you do dosnt make you who you are, its who you are... I have enough love to show. And it seems like... i get cornered in a darkroom and get a guilt trip put on me... Already i hadnt even been back a day. I felt like shit, i might have the flu... its not an excuse...
But if you want to help me, please show it. I dont want this to be a problem... and im sorry it bothers you so much.
I'm so easily influenced.
Into new things.
Its getting old, but some days when i have no one... paying for that air... seems to do the trick for me.
When you can only see in black and white on ok days... and in color only good days... it gets dull and grey.
Make me feel like im a bad person.
But i know im not.
Becuase, its not truly what makes me, me.
Put me down further. Or put a gun to my fucking head.
Hmm...
Enough on that, its making me go on and on about the same thing over and over.
Whatelse...
Talked to heather, shes not having to good of a time there. 2 of her 5 tires (including the spare) blew out... so she cant exactally drive on 3.
My eyes hurt to much to look at this screen anymore...
.... (ME) ....
So here it goes...
I was up north all week, and i truthfully ate more there than i have in the past 2 months being here.
Sunday- after driving from claire we hung out... just us and it felt so... home. then she went to work at the casino, and i sat up and enjoyed my night alone.
Monday- we went to shoot pool at her friend Neil's bar. and she again had to work.
Tuesday- we took a road trip to kalamazoo for a funeral that we sat in the car while neil went in. then we went to this really nice pub/bar and had the best Chicken BLT ever... well the only chicken BLT ive ever had in my life....
Wensday- we went to my aunt lindas bar to get brosted chicken, becuase its my favorite. and it was really my... birthday dinner... as seeing as i didnt get one on my birthday. The girl that she babysits spent the night, shes cool, for an 11 year old. and grams went to work.
Thursday- me and grams took a road trip. We went to the hourse stables so i could get some pictures then to Travers city. We went to interlochen to get some information on the school. I might sign up for next year. Possibly the following year for coledge.
We went to outback for a great time. So many laughs we had. On the way up we passed this huge Hotel called the Great wolf in or something like that. It was huge... I mean HUGE! 54035 million pools with water slides and a "water park". We went down to the arcade room, and we played some games. I was playing skii ball... and i had 2 left of my last game... and i threw one of the balls in the poutch of my hoodie... Well... i ended up walking out of the hotel with it. I was backing up out of the parking lot and i felt something in my pocket.... i stoped the car and put it in park. my grandma thought i was on some cheep drugs. I pulled out the ball and laughed till i was in tears. i didnt remember putting it there but i ended up with it and didnt even know it. I hoped that no one saw me do it becuase i really didnt even realize it. On the way back it was snowing incredibly hard to the point where i couldent see the road. So we ended up stoping at neils bar to see what the skibby was there. Shot some pool, drank 3-4 mountian dews and almost beat the shit out of neil becuase he likes to fuck with me. In a "hey im a freindly drunk" way. We didnt get home till about 1230 then we went in the hot tub for about an hour 1 and a half.
Friday- went to visit my other grandma in the hospital for a while. and we went home the rest of the day and chilled out. Rented American Wedding on PPV and passed out.
Saturday- ... went to my grandmas(the one in the hospital) school house, and the whole thing was flooded... so we had to clean that out. and i had to pee in a cup in the woods becuase she shut off the water... they burst and that caused the flood. We went home and ate our burnt dinner (which had been in the oven from... 330 till 730. .. then my mom got there. and we got all dressed out and went to my aunts bar for a mardi gras party. It was a blast. In order of the bar...
Mom, Aunt linda, grams, and me. Well... My mom was flirting with the bar tender... grams got a hot date (he was old and drunk but... whatever floats her boat) and i talked to jeff. Hes 22 and we were dancing (which he had to show me the "country" way to dance... by spinning me around and acting like a moron.... lol) and talking the whole night. So i gave him my number telling him if he was ever in the area to give me a call and we can hang out. At first i thought he was a perv, and in his 30's ... no hes 22 and actually went to coledge here. He was really parinoid of my mom becuase she kept giving him dirty looks like "if you fuck with my daughter im gonna kill you" but the bartender knows him and reasured her that hes harmless. Hes a really nice guy, that i could see myself being friends with when i move up there.
Sunday- I was in a really good mood all morning thinking that my mom wasnt gonna be a bitch and let me stay another week... well that didnt happen which ruined my whole mood. and my mom and grandma ended up going to my aunts bar to say goodbye and i sat at home. Becuase they were impatiant to wait for me to get a shower. I threw a 3 1/2 hour fit becuase i didnt want to come home and i ended up telling my mom i hate it here....(as in where im at now)
shes like "oh thanks..." "why the hell do you have to be so horible to me..."
-Horible?
-Your never home...
-I cant talk to you about my problems..
-Becuase when i start talking...
-You interupt me...
-Your husbands an ass hole...
"hes not always like that"
-Well your never home, you wouldent know.... would you?
-You married him... I didnt...
-Im 17 and i know whats not right and whats right for me.
Its bullshit, im so sick of it. I try and try all the time just to talk, and i dont get heard. From either of them. So im thinking... for my best interest... and dont any of you think about putting a guilt trip on me, i dont need it right now... That after hawaii, im moving. I will finish off school there, and Inerlochen is about an hour away so i could start coledge the next year.
I can get a job... either at my aunts bar, or the casino when i turn 18. And any sooner than that the girl she babysits dad owns the Right-Aid... i could work there. I would have my own car so on long weekends or vacations, i can come back here and stay with friends.
So the whole way home... We faught for about an hour... then didnt talk the rest of the way.
I dont know, i just want to win this, i want this for me.I thought about it on sunday... as my mom was throwing all my shit around and thretening to kick my ass... ive never done anything major for myself... It would be a diffrent living situation, definatly... i would have to do more work. But im ok with that, as long as i know ill have a roof over my head and someone steady to talk to... im ok with that.
Seems, a piece of me is gone. Sence ive been back i mean. Hes been on my case becuase of my addiction.
Its getting harder to breath. My handcuffs are getting tighter by him. What you do dosnt make you who you are, its who you are... I have enough love to show. And it seems like... i get cornered in a darkroom and get a guilt trip put on me... Already i hadnt even been back a day. I felt like shit, i might have the flu... its not an excuse...
But if you want to help me, please show it. I dont want this to be a problem... and im sorry it bothers you so much.
I'm so easily influenced.
Into new things.
Its getting old, but some days when i have no one... paying for that air... seems to do the trick for me.
When you can only see in black and white on ok days... and in color only good days... it gets dull and grey.
Make me feel like im a bad person.
But i know im not.
Becuase, its not truly what makes me, me.
Put me down further. Or put a gun to my fucking head.
Hmm...
Enough on that, its making me go on and on about the same thing over and over.
Whatelse...
Talked to heather, shes not having to good of a time there. 2 of her 5 tires (including the spare) blew out... so she cant exactally drive on 3.
My eyes hurt to much to look at this screen anymore...
.... (ME) ....