I knew this week was gonna be hell...
Warning, this is going to be a lot of ranting, emo-ness, and basically bitchy bullshit, so if you are in a good mood, you might wanna stop reading now.
Ok now i knew this week was gonna be hell. Two midterms, projects, and lots of homework I put off over spring break. But I was unprepared for what actually happened.
Last night, as i sat in the library, studying away for my western civ exam, i get a text from Phil saying he wants to call me. I text him back saying i'm in the library, to just go online. He texts back, saying we really just need to talk on the phone. Thats when i get that gut punching, heart-racing, feeling like i'm gonna puke kinda feeling. He said "we need to talk." the words nobody wants to hear.
He calls, I run outside the library to figure out what it could be. Well, contrary to what I believed, he didn't feel the same about me anymore. I seriously couldn't breathe the entire conversation. He said that although it started out great, things had changed for him, that he lost the intimacy and sparks that were once there. I asked if there was another girl, but he swore there wasnt. I just sat in silence, i couldnt believe it.
Here comes what really kills me. He's been feeling this for the past month. So, this entire last month, he had me believing that every time he told me "i love you," that he meant it. That every time we kissed, he meant it. I was so blinded, I had absolutely no idea. He played me for a fool. This past weekend while he was at my house, he said he didnt think it wierd hanging out and cuddling, but kissing just felt different to him. I just dont get it. Cuz we sure kissed a lot. I had no, fricken idea.
So i sit in silence, and he asks me if I'm going to be ok. I yell No, of course not. Not tonight anyways. He plays the "well i still really want to be your friend" card, and i tell him i just need time, not to talk to me for a while. I hang up, go get my stuff from the library and walk back to my room.
I held it in till i hit my room, and i couldnt hold it any longer. I hate this feeling, i hate crying, and above all i hate being hurt. I believe him when he said it wasnt my fault, it was just him, but i cant keep wondering if there was something i said or did that threw it all off, i keep replaying everything in my head, trying to figure out where it went wrong. HE was the one SO INTO ME, he HAD to be with me. I just can't believe it. We had plans, we talked like we were going to be together for a while. I dont get it.
I should have known. This always happens to me. Things hit sky high, then CRASH. I'm trying to be somewhat optimistic, and think "everything happnes for a reason." I learned a lot from our relationship, about me, about what it is i need and want from a mate. And i know i will get over it, I'm a strong person. It just hurts so damn much. He made me fall in love with him.
So, its back to the drawing board. Back to being single, alone, and as of now, miserable. I can't wait to go to france, i almost wish i were going this summer, i just need to get out of here.
But I couldn't do this alone. I love my friends so much, they're my backbone and my strength. I couldnt thank you all enough.
well thats it folks. Life's a bitch, then you die.