*Lose battles to win your war!*
have you ever had one of those days where you just put all that's going on with your life and try analyzing everything? trying to figure out exactly what's going on, what's going to happen, what it all means? this past couple of week has been nothing but harsh on me, leaving me with lots to think about. and it's pretty obvious it's something that's been going on recently in my life. i'm one type of person that likes to look out for others, trying to "protect" them...trying to knock sense into them if needed. what does it all have to deal with? Love! is it something that everyone likes to ponder about? it must be if that's all everyone talks about. mainly people that are in their middle and high school years. people in those ages see a "relationship" as a "MUST HAVE because my life is too boring". i would know becuase i've been in that stage. but is a relationship really a must when you have everything around you to appreciate. everything that's going on with you, with your friends, family. i remember how recently i tried getting comfort by saying "i need a boyfriend" but in the long run, i don't. i don't need to bring anyone in my life to worry about my situations, my issues. it'd be nice, but it's something i wouldn't want to risk. it'd also be nice to have someone around to call my own, but right now my friends are my main priority. not only that, but i need to settle myself straight.
for the past couple of nights, i have been having these reoccurring dreams, nightmares...no fantasies...where i'm left out of the circle of friends, being ignored, left behind, and never thought of. leaving me alone without any friends in the end. i'm one who reads into their dreams, analyzing everything that happens, and finding a final conclusion as to what my dream is trying to tell me. right now i'm real scared with these dreams. why? only because my dreams come true one way or another. last time i had a "bad dream" was when i dreamt that while johnny and i were in his room (this was when we were dating), he showed me a picture out of the blue of some guy...a familiar face yet without a name. reading into "photograph", it meant that "you will be decepted with a current situation". and sure enough, two days later i find johnny cheating on me with him telling me..."i've been meaning to tell you" with those words said, i knew then that i was being mislead because he "tried" telling me but couldn't find a way out. so losing my friends now is what i fear the most. Luis because he's going off to college and that's one way friends lose what they had because there's hardly any contact and communication. i'm happy for him going off, but losing him like that is what scares me...obviously. Johnny...well, we all know my situation with him. not the best at all, nor the worst...at least that's how i think of it. for once, i have someone to hear me out with my feelings, to help me, THE ONE i go to for advice. this past week kinda went by with quite some bickering, and i hated it...over something that isn't worth arguing. yea, i shed so many tears because it hurt that i thought i would be able to come across to him, try to open his eyes...but i'm only going to give him my respect. and i guess, support...though, can you support something you don't agree with? and only disagreeing because it's the most obvious of things. it did bother me that when he would come to me for advice, i'd give him the truth. but not wanting to hear the truth, he'd have to go to my niece. i love my niece to death, but how can a 13 year old know anything about love. yes, she's been in a year and so many months relationship...but that's only puppy love. something in a totally different category from what johnny wants. he's told me he doesn't want to commit, settle down...but from everything that's going on, and how things happen between us when we talk...it seems that way. THAT's that upsets me...with "respects" to arthur, i can only respect johnny as far as that. A TAPE is something you shouldn't be scared about nor with what happens to/with it. a spontaneous/fun thing to do is only part of life and a "try everything in life once" thing. i guess i can give it some leniency to that saying "Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing!" i was there for him with the break up his frienship with irvin and danny, bringing him up, opening up his eyes. with that it was way to easy because i only told him the truth, showed him everything that was going on. but new and bigger challenges come as you accomplish the previous. everything he's told me has turned into a self contradiction...but what's an ex to do? "As a friend"...i'm not given the right for a consideration, but just for a talk. A talk from my health.
in my own opinion, i figured out why i don't have a boyfriend. because i can't let go! not that i don't want to, but because it's hard. i've said that before. but that isn't the only reason. as i've said prior, boyfriends are a luxory in life...not a must have! it's like your accessory to your cute outfit. your handbag to fit your shoes. only time can tell...
*You've got to lose a couple of battles to win your war!*
for the past couple of nights, i have been having these reoccurring dreams, nightmares...no fantasies...where i'm left out of the circle of friends, being ignored, left behind, and never thought of. leaving me alone without any friends in the end. i'm one who reads into their dreams, analyzing everything that happens, and finding a final conclusion as to what my dream is trying to tell me. right now i'm real scared with these dreams. why? only because my dreams come true one way or another. last time i had a "bad dream" was when i dreamt that while johnny and i were in his room (this was when we were dating), he showed me a picture out of the blue of some guy...a familiar face yet without a name. reading into "photograph", it meant that "you will be decepted with a current situation". and sure enough, two days later i find johnny cheating on me with him telling me..."i've been meaning to tell you" with those words said, i knew then that i was being mislead because he "tried" telling me but couldn't find a way out. so losing my friends now is what i fear the most. Luis because he's going off to college and that's one way friends lose what they had because there's hardly any contact and communication. i'm happy for him going off, but losing him like that is what scares me...obviously. Johnny...well, we all know my situation with him. not the best at all, nor the worst...at least that's how i think of it. for once, i have someone to hear me out with my feelings, to help me, THE ONE i go to for advice. this past week kinda went by with quite some bickering, and i hated it...over something that isn't worth arguing. yea, i shed so many tears because it hurt that i thought i would be able to come across to him, try to open his eyes...but i'm only going to give him my respect. and i guess, support...though, can you support something you don't agree with? and only disagreeing because it's the most obvious of things. it did bother me that when he would come to me for advice, i'd give him the truth. but not wanting to hear the truth, he'd have to go to my niece. i love my niece to death, but how can a 13 year old know anything about love. yes, she's been in a year and so many months relationship...but that's only puppy love. something in a totally different category from what johnny wants. he's told me he doesn't want to commit, settle down...but from everything that's going on, and how things happen between us when we talk...it seems that way. THAT's that upsets me...with "respects" to arthur, i can only respect johnny as far as that. A TAPE is something you shouldn't be scared about nor with what happens to/with it. a spontaneous/fun thing to do is only part of life and a "try everything in life once" thing. i guess i can give it some leniency to that saying "Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing!" i was there for him with the break up his frienship with irvin and danny, bringing him up, opening up his eyes. with that it was way to easy because i only told him the truth, showed him everything that was going on. but new and bigger challenges come as you accomplish the previous. everything he's told me has turned into a self contradiction...but what's an ex to do? "As a friend"...i'm not given the right for a consideration, but just for a talk. A talk from my health.
in my own opinion, i figured out why i don't have a boyfriend. because i can't let go! not that i don't want to, but because it's hard. i've said that before. but that isn't the only reason. as i've said prior, boyfriends are a luxory in life...not a must have! it's like your accessory to your cute outfit. your handbag to fit your shoes. only time can tell...
*You've got to lose a couple of battles to win your war!*