Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless [narrative]
Character: Morgana Pendragon. Season 4.
Summary: She lives in black and white, but dreams in color.
“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”
Virginia Woolf.
~*~
Her world becomes black and white.
Once she used to think she was the only one in the whole world seeing gray; it took the form of a Druid boy and Gwen's father and all the people whose lives were lost because of all they were. There were shades and colors.
Now there is black or white. Good or evil. Life or death. Victory or defeat.
Her world is painted black and white; but when she dreams she dreams in color.
The dreams of the future hurt (almost) like the dreams of the past.
~*~
01.
She sends a kick to her maid's knee and runs away as the woman cries.
She won't sit down and knit a mere month after her father's death. She won't, she won't.
She runs away to the castle's garden and hides beneath a tree.
She wonders if the guards will catch her and drag her to the King. She wonders if you can get killed for kicking your maid.
She doesn't get up when he arrives, it's rude, which is exactly why she stays sitting.
She does rise when he offers her a hand.
"I don't wish to knit - she said I must but I don't want to. I never cared to learn," a second later she adds quite bitterly, "my lord."
She expects scolding, being sent to her chambers with no lunch or desert.
Instead he puts his arms on her shoulders (like a father would) and when he says "Morgana child - " she lets out a small sob and he holds her.
"Morgana. You will be alight, child."
And she believes him. He cups her cheek and he smiles.
~*~
When he draws his last breath, she nearly loses her own.
~*~
02.
"Right - left - down - up - for a girl Morgana, you're not entirely awful."
The knights laugh and she hisses in anger. Arthur Pendragon is the most vain creature she ever met.
They move as swiftly as any fifteen year old could, one sword meeting another. It lasts long moments and when he blocks her blow with his arm she bites down on it.
He cries in annoyance and pain and the knights laugh again.
"You can't do it in a tournament, Morgana, it's unlawful.
She grins.
"But I won."
~*~
Their swords clash in the hall of the castle. Metal meeting metal. The throne is empty as they fight for it.
She aims her sword to his chest but fails. There is no victory among them.
Her eyes flash gold and his sword becomes heavier and heavier still.
"You're fighting unfairly, it's unlawful Morgana."
Her smirk is victorious.
"But I'll win."
~*~
03.
"Take it! It's your birthday I command you to take it!"
"But my lady --"
Gwen's protests die as die as she grabs her hand and lies a golden hair pin in her palm. It's shaped like a flower with a pearl in the middle.
"My Lady, I have no where to wear it to."
"One day you will marry someone charming, Gwen. Wear it then, and think of me fondly."
"It's too much, Morgana," she says. But when she calls her by her name she brightens.
"It's nothing at all, you've given me much more."
~*~
At the first vision she had of Gwen's crowned to be queen, Morgana noticed the pin was no where to be found.
She knew they will never be the same, then.
~*~
During the first months of her stay in Blood Guard she felt torn in half.
She loved them and was angry at them. Loved them, but was eaten by bitterness.
As months went by she realized she'll die if it won't stop. She can't love and hate at the same time.
Hating them was easy.
(love is not as easy to be rid of as you think).
~*~
Dreams of the future hurt too.
~*~
Is that what you wanted, Morgana?
"Emrys!" she cries, jolting awake.
Camelot is silent. It's almost too much to dream of him again in her first night of her second reign as queen.
She walks to her table to wash her face and stops when she reaches a mirror.
It's been months since she has looked at herself.
For a moment, she just gazes, seeing a child with dark curls looking at her curiously, a girl in a maroon dress and well kept hair raising her eyebrow at her.
Is that what you wanted, Morgana?
A flash of gold and the mirror is smashed to pieces.
~*~
When she meets Merlin again, years have passed.
Avalon is under her rule and under the rules of magic. She is no longer spoken about in Camelot. People no longer spit to the ground after saying her name.
To them she is but a distant memory, the witch who has disappeared once. The mad old sorceress.
She doesn't rule Camelot, she is no longer tortured. She is a foe yet of it all, a foe of rules and conventions.
But not a mad foe.
When they meet outside of Avalon they meet as equals.
"What is it that you seek, Emrys?" she refuses to call him Merlin anymore.
"Is it your doing? Arthur and Gwen not having a child?"
She wants to laugh.
"You believe in fate, Emrys. It was my fate to choose to be locked out of Camelot rather than locked in. Your fate to seal my defeat, Arthur's fate to be king. But a childless king. It is not me. It has been years since I cared for Gwen at all."
Your flowers bring me more joy than the rest of the fancy one put together, Gwen.
They would have a pretty babe together, if it was their fate. Her Gwen and her Arthur.
"I told you then, Morgana, we could have found another way."
"And I told you, Emrys, there is no other way."
They look at one another. Perhaps they will both live to old age. Perhaps he really will always walk in her shadow.
It is our destiny, she thinks.
"Don't you miss them at all? Don't you miss Arthur? He's your brother --"
She pulls up her hood and she smiles.
"I'll see him again."
She dreamed it.
~*~
04.
The world is quiet and serene. She can hear nothing but water, nothing but birds and the sound of grass moving at the other side of the lake.
The boat is small but she doesn't mind it. It is hardly royal, adorned by only the simple lilies she picked for it.
Arthur's head is in her lap as her magic steers the boat towards Avalon.
She looks as young as he remembers her, an appearance she wore by magic for his last journey.
She presses her fingers to his cheek and remembers. He is handsome now as he is in her memories.
Time is nothing. The years between them are nonexistent.
"You know, I gave you my first kiss, you prat. I saw a knight kisses his lady at a banquet and wanted to try it. Unfortunately for me, I only had you to try it on."
He gives a weak bark of laughter and all at once she's fifteen again, and she has just bit his arm.
"You always were a terror, Morgana."
How fitting it is, that she took her sister here as well as her brother.
"Do you think it will hurt to die?"
She bends and kisses his forehead.
"They called you the once and future king, Arthur. You will live forever in this land - once and eternal king."
He is silent again, and they just look at each other.
Her hand finds him and she finds peace in this single moment in which he is no longer Arthur Pendragon the High King of Camelot and she is no longer Morgana Le Fay the sorceress, they are merely Arthur and Morgana.
The world bursts with colors again.
~*~
Summary: She lives in black and white, but dreams in color.
“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”
Virginia Woolf.
~*~
Her world becomes black and white.
Once she used to think she was the only one in the whole world seeing gray; it took the form of a Druid boy and Gwen's father and all the people whose lives were lost because of all they were. There were shades and colors.
Now there is black or white. Good or evil. Life or death. Victory or defeat.
Her world is painted black and white; but when she dreams she dreams in color.
The dreams of the future hurt (almost) like the dreams of the past.
~*~
01.
She sends a kick to her maid's knee and runs away as the woman cries.
She won't sit down and knit a mere month after her father's death. She won't, she won't.
She runs away to the castle's garden and hides beneath a tree.
She wonders if the guards will catch her and drag her to the King. She wonders if you can get killed for kicking your maid.
She doesn't get up when he arrives, it's rude, which is exactly why she stays sitting.
She does rise when he offers her a hand.
"I don't wish to knit - she said I must but I don't want to. I never cared to learn," a second later she adds quite bitterly, "my lord."
She expects scolding, being sent to her chambers with no lunch or desert.
Instead he puts his arms on her shoulders (like a father would) and when he says "Morgana child - " she lets out a small sob and he holds her.
"Morgana. You will be alight, child."
And she believes him. He cups her cheek and he smiles.
~*~
When he draws his last breath, she nearly loses her own.
~*~
02.
"Right - left - down - up - for a girl Morgana, you're not entirely awful."
The knights laugh and she hisses in anger. Arthur Pendragon is the most vain creature she ever met.
They move as swiftly as any fifteen year old could, one sword meeting another. It lasts long moments and when he blocks her blow with his arm she bites down on it.
He cries in annoyance and pain and the knights laugh again.
"You can't do it in a tournament, Morgana, it's unlawful.
She grins.
"But I won."
~*~
Their swords clash in the hall of the castle. Metal meeting metal. The throne is empty as they fight for it.
She aims her sword to his chest but fails. There is no victory among them.
Her eyes flash gold and his sword becomes heavier and heavier still.
"You're fighting unfairly, it's unlawful Morgana."
Her smirk is victorious.
"But I'll win."
~*~
03.
"Take it! It's your birthday I command you to take it!"
"But my lady --"
Gwen's protests die as die as she grabs her hand and lies a golden hair pin in her palm. It's shaped like a flower with a pearl in the middle.
"My Lady, I have no where to wear it to."
"One day you will marry someone charming, Gwen. Wear it then, and think of me fondly."
"It's too much, Morgana," she says. But when she calls her by her name she brightens.
"It's nothing at all, you've given me much more."
~*~
At the first vision she had of Gwen's crowned to be queen, Morgana noticed the pin was no where to be found.
She knew they will never be the same, then.
~*~
During the first months of her stay in Blood Guard she felt torn in half.
She loved them and was angry at them. Loved them, but was eaten by bitterness.
As months went by she realized she'll die if it won't stop. She can't love and hate at the same time.
Hating them was easy.
(love is not as easy to be rid of as you think).
~*~
Dreams of the future hurt too.
~*~
Is that what you wanted, Morgana?
"Emrys!" she cries, jolting awake.
Camelot is silent. It's almost too much to dream of him again in her first night of her second reign as queen.
She walks to her table to wash her face and stops when she reaches a mirror.
It's been months since she has looked at herself.
For a moment, she just gazes, seeing a child with dark curls looking at her curiously, a girl in a maroon dress and well kept hair raising her eyebrow at her.
Is that what you wanted, Morgana?
A flash of gold and the mirror is smashed to pieces.
~*~
When she meets Merlin again, years have passed.
Avalon is under her rule and under the rules of magic. She is no longer spoken about in Camelot. People no longer spit to the ground after saying her name.
To them she is but a distant memory, the witch who has disappeared once. The mad old sorceress.
She doesn't rule Camelot, she is no longer tortured. She is a foe yet of it all, a foe of rules and conventions.
But not a mad foe.
When they meet outside of Avalon they meet as equals.
"What is it that you seek, Emrys?" she refuses to call him Merlin anymore.
"Is it your doing? Arthur and Gwen not having a child?"
She wants to laugh.
"You believe in fate, Emrys. It was my fate to choose to be locked out of Camelot rather than locked in. Your fate to seal my defeat, Arthur's fate to be king. But a childless king. It is not me. It has been years since I cared for Gwen at all."
Your flowers bring me more joy than the rest of the fancy one put together, Gwen.
They would have a pretty babe together, if it was their fate. Her Gwen and her Arthur.
"I told you then, Morgana, we could have found another way."
"And I told you, Emrys, there is no other way."
They look at one another. Perhaps they will both live to old age. Perhaps he really will always walk in her shadow.
It is our destiny, she thinks.
"Don't you miss them at all? Don't you miss Arthur? He's your brother --"
She pulls up her hood and she smiles.
"I'll see him again."
She dreamed it.
~*~
04.
The world is quiet and serene. She can hear nothing but water, nothing but birds and the sound of grass moving at the other side of the lake.
The boat is small but she doesn't mind it. It is hardly royal, adorned by only the simple lilies she picked for it.
Arthur's head is in her lap as her magic steers the boat towards Avalon.
She looks as young as he remembers her, an appearance she wore by magic for his last journey.
She presses her fingers to his cheek and remembers. He is handsome now as he is in her memories.
Time is nothing. The years between them are nonexistent.
"You know, I gave you my first kiss, you prat. I saw a knight kisses his lady at a banquet and wanted to try it. Unfortunately for me, I only had you to try it on."
He gives a weak bark of laughter and all at once she's fifteen again, and she has just bit his arm.
"You always were a terror, Morgana."
How fitting it is, that she took her sister here as well as her brother.
"Do you think it will hurt to die?"
She bends and kisses his forehead.
"They called you the once and future king, Arthur. You will live forever in this land - once and eternal king."
He is silent again, and they just look at each other.
Her hand finds him and she finds peace in this single moment in which he is no longer Arthur Pendragon the High King of Camelot and she is no longer Morgana Le Fay the sorceress, they are merely Arthur and Morgana.
The world bursts with colors again.
~*~