Hopefull Dread . . .
I must say, I'm nervous. Why, what should I be nervous about? I'm fairly competent at a my chosen field. I'll be applying for an internship in my chosen field in little over a week. And for what it's worth, I'm probably more capable of getting an internship than anyone else who is applying for this particular position. I have, through hobby and independent study developed a strategic advantage. But, it scares me. It amazes me and astounds me what a great opportunity has fallen at my feet.
But I have trouble reaching for it. I get like this when something big approaches. To this point, I've been comfortable, relaxed, sitting in my little hole in a darkened room working diligently. Now, I need to take on a greater roll. I think this was one reason I had problems at engineering school.
My work before that point had never meant things like careers, millions of dollars, people's lives. But at the same time I could have been designing bolts in that same hole. There were other reasons for my inability to rise to the occasion, but much had to do with the fear of mattering, the dread of having mundane relevance. Instead, I liked video games. Fun times, fantastic stories, sweet distraction.
So, I decided to pursue my true passion, the real calling I feel, that had since my early teens offered more of my dreams than I could have thought possible. But as I began fully engaging the medium, I began to feel the need for video games to transcend the realm of entertainment and move into true art. I did and still do dream of creating this meaningful work, but at the same time I run into the fear of mattering, the fear of having people look to me, the fear of being the driving force.
But why should I. Why at this point should I feel so much dread in accomplishing my goal of creation. I can matter, and I must not fear trying to be my best. I can do great things, I just need to give MYSELF the chance.
But I have trouble reaching for it. I get like this when something big approaches. To this point, I've been comfortable, relaxed, sitting in my little hole in a darkened room working diligently. Now, I need to take on a greater roll. I think this was one reason I had problems at engineering school.
My work before that point had never meant things like careers, millions of dollars, people's lives. But at the same time I could have been designing bolts in that same hole. There were other reasons for my inability to rise to the occasion, but much had to do with the fear of mattering, the dread of having mundane relevance. Instead, I liked video games. Fun times, fantastic stories, sweet distraction.
So, I decided to pursue my true passion, the real calling I feel, that had since my early teens offered more of my dreams than I could have thought possible. But as I began fully engaging the medium, I began to feel the need for video games to transcend the realm of entertainment and move into true art. I did and still do dream of creating this meaningful work, but at the same time I run into the fear of mattering, the fear of having people look to me, the fear of being the driving force.
But why should I. Why at this point should I feel so much dread in accomplishing my goal of creation. I can matter, and I must not fear trying to be my best. I can do great things, I just need to give MYSELF the chance.