a poem for my old friend a few months after our break up
just some healing.
1. the time we were told by delta that our flight had been switched and more importantly, our luggage was still on the plane we had originally intended to fly back on, still on it's way to NYC. we went to atlanta. then i had to wear your mother's pants.
2. tony hawk.
3. denny's at midnight.
4. every single time we listened to "bittersweet symphony".
5. learning how to drive. the. end. you took a 10 minute video of me freaking putting my seat belt on.
6. "what the fuck is that?"
"it's a woodchuck"
"i didn't even think those were like... actual."
7. "eff you, california. eff. you."
8. the time we traveled 2 hours to hampton beach in the freezing cold. lynne asked us who we would have sex with in our social circle. we both said amanda first. then we respectively said each other. i'm so glad we never did. i feel like it would've been a hot mess. not because we're not respectively really fantastic in bed (we both have witnesses), but because it would have been awkward. soooo awkward oh man.
9. ummmmm dyke march then a dance party in the middle of the castro.
10. "i love this woman. and any person who ever disrespects her, i will ripshit you. i love her."
-and it was on this day
that she peeled back layers of skin
thicker than a horizon
dipped in second chances.
her fingers
formed into wings
and she took flight
with only her conscience to weigh her down.
we are all in need of some
quick fixes
and elixers
ready
to shape our deepest
insults and injuries
into well-deserved lessons.
i will learn them
brand them
to my spirit
until it chokes with conviction
and then
i will
take ten minutes
put every foul taste
in a box
big enough
to drown what you were to me
and you will
live
shapeless
in the vessels of chambers
locked
and dark.
And I will have moved on.
but in reality you will be happy
you'll change the world with time to spare
and we'll read articles about each other's ventures
later down the road
and i hope the road
isn't too rough.
that your mind
winds
around the u-turns
with ease
and grace
and you will be born again
mold your presence
into fierceness
with a touch of elegance
go on.
do your thing.
we were momentary
friends
turned
at our worst
i once told you
that hurting someone i loved with my words was one of my worst nightmares.
true story.
and what I meant to say
Was I love you.
I miss you.
Much like a security blanket yanked away too soon
Too old
For such childish
Promises
But I meant it
When I said that I thought I’d be there
Years
When you were still aimlessly fucking people you used to know
While I playfully judged you
Committed
With a family
And a garden
With grass I let grow up to our knees.
I wasn’t kidding
When I said you’d be the earth mother to my anarchist baby
Teaching them the ways of cunning capitalism
As I fixed them organic lunches
In my sunny kitchen
With cabinets
My own callouses still boast about.
You said you’d be there
To pluck them from my water birth
Hours of agony well worth it
much like our friendship
So I hope it hurts
Every time you remember
And more importantly
I wish you love
More importantly
I wish your struggles shelter
And I hope
That on rainy days
you create your masterpieces
with such inspiration
you forgive all that you will have forgotten.
And I hope
Your sunrises
Lose their value
In the shuffle of your lover’s exhale
Still sleeping
As you learn what it truly means to be breathless
And I hope
your anger becomes peace
serene from years of healing
and you
were never meant to be there
and I was never meant to judge you
and we
were never more
than momentary flashes of almost
and yes
forgive me
if it seems that I am
clinging
I was never very good at mourning
And no
I haven’t cried fully just yet
But this poem is every phone call hung up
Apologies are shit
When our friendship was shit
Naw…
We were just having rough days.
And I was more pissed off than you could’ve ever imagined.
But it was more than you
It was more than my inability to balance
It was a collection of missing the exits
And fender bending
Our greatest bonds
Severed.
At the joint.
So that we’d always
Feel like it was still there.
But it isn’t.
What I meant to say
Was goodbye
It’s been a great ride
Mutual friends were right
And you win
Take it all
I haven’t moved on at all
But the things that remind me of you
Now sit beside
Memorial pamphlets of friends I have physically laid to rest
Because there is loss
In the way things ended
And I’m still writing texts questioning if I should send it
And I don’t.
Because I’m still
Weaving loose ends into tapestries of false malice
And the day came
when I laid back
palms to jaw line
fingertips to eyelashes
and remembered.
What I meant to say
Was thank you.
1. the time we were told by delta that our flight had been switched and more importantly, our luggage was still on the plane we had originally intended to fly back on, still on it's way to NYC. we went to atlanta. then i had to wear your mother's pants.
2. tony hawk.
3. denny's at midnight.
4. every single time we listened to "bittersweet symphony".
5. learning how to drive. the. end. you took a 10 minute video of me freaking putting my seat belt on.
6. "what the fuck is that?"
"it's a woodchuck"
"i didn't even think those were like... actual."
7. "eff you, california. eff. you."
8. the time we traveled 2 hours to hampton beach in the freezing cold. lynne asked us who we would have sex with in our social circle. we both said amanda first. then we respectively said each other. i'm so glad we never did. i feel like it would've been a hot mess. not because we're not respectively really fantastic in bed (we both have witnesses), but because it would have been awkward. soooo awkward oh man.
9. ummmmm dyke march then a dance party in the middle of the castro.
10. "i love this woman. and any person who ever disrespects her, i will ripshit you. i love her."
-and it was on this day
that she peeled back layers of skin
thicker than a horizon
dipped in second chances.
her fingers
formed into wings
and she took flight
with only her conscience to weigh her down.
we are all in need of some
quick fixes
and elixers
ready
to shape our deepest
insults and injuries
into well-deserved lessons.
i will learn them
brand them
to my spirit
until it chokes with conviction
and then
i will
take ten minutes
put every foul taste
in a box
big enough
to drown what you were to me
and you will
live
shapeless
in the vessels of chambers
locked
and dark.
And I will have moved on.
but in reality you will be happy
you'll change the world with time to spare
and we'll read articles about each other's ventures
later down the road
and i hope the road
isn't too rough.
that your mind
winds
around the u-turns
with ease
and grace
and you will be born again
mold your presence
into fierceness
with a touch of elegance
go on.
do your thing.
we were momentary
friends
turned
at our worst
i once told you
that hurting someone i loved with my words was one of my worst nightmares.
true story.
and what I meant to say
Was I love you.
I miss you.
Much like a security blanket yanked away too soon
Too old
For such childish
Promises
But I meant it
When I said that I thought I’d be there
Years
When you were still aimlessly fucking people you used to know
While I playfully judged you
Committed
With a family
And a garden
With grass I let grow up to our knees.
I wasn’t kidding
When I said you’d be the earth mother to my anarchist baby
Teaching them the ways of cunning capitalism
As I fixed them organic lunches
In my sunny kitchen
With cabinets
My own callouses still boast about.
You said you’d be there
To pluck them from my water birth
Hours of agony well worth it
much like our friendship
So I hope it hurts
Every time you remember
And more importantly
I wish you love
More importantly
I wish your struggles shelter
And I hope
That on rainy days
you create your masterpieces
with such inspiration
you forgive all that you will have forgotten.
And I hope
Your sunrises
Lose their value
In the shuffle of your lover’s exhale
Still sleeping
As you learn what it truly means to be breathless
And I hope
your anger becomes peace
serene from years of healing
and you
were never meant to be there
and I was never meant to judge you
and we
were never more
than momentary flashes of almost
and yes
forgive me
if it seems that I am
clinging
I was never very good at mourning
And no
I haven’t cried fully just yet
But this poem is every phone call hung up
Apologies are shit
When our friendship was shit
Naw…
We were just having rough days.
And I was more pissed off than you could’ve ever imagined.
But it was more than you
It was more than my inability to balance
It was a collection of missing the exits
And fender bending
Our greatest bonds
Severed.
At the joint.
So that we’d always
Feel like it was still there.
But it isn’t.
What I meant to say
Was goodbye
It’s been a great ride
Mutual friends were right
And you win
Take it all
I haven’t moved on at all
But the things that remind me of you
Now sit beside
Memorial pamphlets of friends I have physically laid to rest
Because there is loss
In the way things ended
And I’m still writing texts questioning if I should send it
And I don’t.
Because I’m still
Weaving loose ends into tapestries of false malice
And the day came
when I laid back
palms to jaw line
fingertips to eyelashes
and remembered.
What I meant to say
Was thank you.