(no subject)
So this afternoon was kind of rough.
I called UMass to follow up with my SAT and highschool transcript questions, only to be told by an admissions staff (who seemed to really know what he was talking about and was unbelievably helpful and supportive) that he was sure that i wouldn't get in because of my grades from second semester.
He then advised me to enroll in a community college for a semester, and then transfer directly into UMass for the fall.
At first, I was extremely essentialist in my thought process at the idea of being a student at a community college (ie: people who go to community colleges go because they don't know what they want to do with their lives or are underachieving). I started bawling and internalizing all of the unsupportive notions that had been tossed at me with the past two months (ie: alex's concept that i had managed "to fuck up" a free ride without any regard to what i had accomplished, and nana telling me that i was going to end up just like my mother).
But even in tears, I began to realize the beauty of this opportunity.
1) It's fucking cheap as hell which will give me the time and money necessary to save up for the Seattle-San Francisco trip.
2) Katie gets off at that stop every day to go to school, so her and I can reconnect and take the train in together.
3) I can bang out all of my academics and take 6 classes.
4) I'll be earning credits towards finishing my degree <3
so frankly, i'm in a much better place than i was a little while ago.
secondly, i love thinking about my sexuality.
i love sex. i love watching sex. i don't care who it's between (male-bodied and female-bodied, female-bodied and female-bodied, or male-bodied and male-bodied).
i'm open to anything.
and although i've thought about what it might possibly be like to have sex with someone who was male-bodied, i don't desire it.
i've totally been in relationships with male-bodied people who identified as men (or boys, really). i've made out with them and been felt up by them.
and sometimes, it was really hot, but never because it was a man i was making out with but rather the fact that i was making out or being felt up in general.
however, in my relationships with men, i always felt awkward.
always.
there is something about the taste of the female body. the way hair grows on the curves of a female body... the skin... the way a female body moves around my own.
going down on a female-bodied lover turns me on more than i can possibly express; feeling her legs close in around my upper body when she comes... it blows my fucking mind.
and to feel her slip inside of me with such ease; her fingers pressing against the innermost pleasures of my existence... THAT IS INSANE.
this is how I fundamentally know that i want to be with a female-bodied person for the rest of my life.
i also have never fallen in love with a male-bodied person, and truly believe that i never could.
my love for a woman is deeply emotional, healing and unwavering.
this is how i know that i want to be in love with a woman for the rest of my life.
furthermore, i very rarely identify as a lesbian. i just feel like that just doesn't encompass by sexuality.
i do however very much identify as a gay woman or queer.
i don't think my sexuality is "fluid" (mostly because I don't truly have a desire to have sex with a male-bodied person), but it is quite encompassing and open.
i dig that.
also, sunday is the 4 year anniversary of Dion's murder.
i will take time to remember and possibly visit him.
it is a personal moment which i must experience alone.
finally, i miss billy a lot. my mom talked about him so much yesterday (the restaurant we were at was totally a spot they used to go to together). i've decided that my next tattoo will be my lilac on my calf, probably with this excerpt from "the prophet" within the lilac itself:
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."
and I'll have the initials "W.H.R" with dates beneath it.
it shall be my closure and my perpetual memory of his love.
peace
r.
I called UMass to follow up with my SAT and highschool transcript questions, only to be told by an admissions staff (who seemed to really know what he was talking about and was unbelievably helpful and supportive) that he was sure that i wouldn't get in because of my grades from second semester.
He then advised me to enroll in a community college for a semester, and then transfer directly into UMass for the fall.
At first, I was extremely essentialist in my thought process at the idea of being a student at a community college (ie: people who go to community colleges go because they don't know what they want to do with their lives or are underachieving). I started bawling and internalizing all of the unsupportive notions that had been tossed at me with the past two months (ie: alex's concept that i had managed "to fuck up" a free ride without any regard to what i had accomplished, and nana telling me that i was going to end up just like my mother).
But even in tears, I began to realize the beauty of this opportunity.
1) It's fucking cheap as hell which will give me the time and money necessary to save up for the Seattle-San Francisco trip.
2) Katie gets off at that stop every day to go to school, so her and I can reconnect and take the train in together.
3) I can bang out all of my academics and take 6 classes.
4) I'll be earning credits towards finishing my degree <3
so frankly, i'm in a much better place than i was a little while ago.
secondly, i love thinking about my sexuality.
i love sex. i love watching sex. i don't care who it's between (male-bodied and female-bodied, female-bodied and female-bodied, or male-bodied and male-bodied).
i'm open to anything.
and although i've thought about what it might possibly be like to have sex with someone who was male-bodied, i don't desire it.
i've totally been in relationships with male-bodied people who identified as men (or boys, really). i've made out with them and been felt up by them.
and sometimes, it was really hot, but never because it was a man i was making out with but rather the fact that i was making out or being felt up in general.
however, in my relationships with men, i always felt awkward.
always.
there is something about the taste of the female body. the way hair grows on the curves of a female body... the skin... the way a female body moves around my own.
going down on a female-bodied lover turns me on more than i can possibly express; feeling her legs close in around my upper body when she comes... it blows my fucking mind.
and to feel her slip inside of me with such ease; her fingers pressing against the innermost pleasures of my existence... THAT IS INSANE.
this is how I fundamentally know that i want to be with a female-bodied person for the rest of my life.
i also have never fallen in love with a male-bodied person, and truly believe that i never could.
my love for a woman is deeply emotional, healing and unwavering.
this is how i know that i want to be in love with a woman for the rest of my life.
furthermore, i very rarely identify as a lesbian. i just feel like that just doesn't encompass by sexuality.
i do however very much identify as a gay woman or queer.
i don't think my sexuality is "fluid" (mostly because I don't truly have a desire to have sex with a male-bodied person), but it is quite encompassing and open.
i dig that.
also, sunday is the 4 year anniversary of Dion's murder.
i will take time to remember and possibly visit him.
it is a personal moment which i must experience alone.
finally, i miss billy a lot. my mom talked about him so much yesterday (the restaurant we were at was totally a spot they used to go to together). i've decided that my next tattoo will be my lilac on my calf, probably with this excerpt from "the prophet" within the lilac itself:
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."
and I'll have the initials "W.H.R" with dates beneath it.
it shall be my closure and my perpetual memory of his love.
peace
r.