Watching Veronica Mars - always leads to these great inner "revelations"
I'm getting very tired of the way things are turning out, and the way things have been.
I'm forgetting how things used to be, and I'm getting used to being boring. I kinda feel like i'm walking around in a cloud and it's like I there are chunks of memory that are slowly vanishing, and the worst part is I kinda don't care.
I remember a tiny part of last year when I felt like I "woke up" and everything was sunny and I figured out what I wanted. But now, that feels like a dream. haha. Thats silly, isnt it?
Waking up feels like dreams and being in a dream feels right.
I think all it is is that Japanese class is pissing me off, and I don't even have anything awsm to take my mind of it. At least last year, I was just making friends w/ chris and max and everything was exciting and new in Otown... but one year later, they've fallen through as the friends I hoped they would be, and now i'm just sitting around waiting for trash tv to come on so I can mindlessly forget that I moved to a bigger city to have less fun than in my hometown. Shit, at least back home we went on adventures.
But I hate being back in pensacola. Its the ppl I go back for... the city is, well, full of memories. Not all I enjoy walking through when I'm home. It doesn't feel real... the words: "A long time ago... we used to be friends, but I haven't thought of you lately at all" come to mind, except its not about friends, its the feeling I get when I listen to that song. That kinda bittersweet nostalgia of decent and some not so decent memories that sometimes, you'd like to not think about because you know it'll never be the same again. And every god damn street corner has some fucking memory... its like looking at a mirror that shows you only what you used to be, not who you are or what your trying to become, so it clouds your judgment and places you in a false sense of complacent idle-ism. Its sleepy, and an illusion because i'm NOT a 16 anymore, and I DONT get to ride around with jessie and anthony on friday nights because its the weekend and we can finally all hang out, and I DONT get to play manhunt, and I DONT get to forget that in a few years I have to actually rely on myself for real for real, because its now.
I dont want to go home, Because I should BE home... and I really like this city. But something has got to be done. I have got to find a way to pull myself out of this. UGH.
But its okay. I feel that half of this is the lack of sleep and the full slab of stress from classes. And, my wifey is coming soon. That will most def do my soul some good.
I have a soul, and it needs to be done some good... I need to stop forgetting that. :)
I'm forgetting how things used to be, and I'm getting used to being boring. I kinda feel like i'm walking around in a cloud and it's like I there are chunks of memory that are slowly vanishing, and the worst part is I kinda don't care.
I remember a tiny part of last year when I felt like I "woke up" and everything was sunny and I figured out what I wanted. But now, that feels like a dream. haha. Thats silly, isnt it?
Waking up feels like dreams and being in a dream feels right.
I think all it is is that Japanese class is pissing me off, and I don't even have anything awsm to take my mind of it. At least last year, I was just making friends w/ chris and max and everything was exciting and new in Otown... but one year later, they've fallen through as the friends I hoped they would be, and now i'm just sitting around waiting for trash tv to come on so I can mindlessly forget that I moved to a bigger city to have less fun than in my hometown. Shit, at least back home we went on adventures.
But I hate being back in pensacola. Its the ppl I go back for... the city is, well, full of memories. Not all I enjoy walking through when I'm home. It doesn't feel real... the words: "A long time ago... we used to be friends, but I haven't thought of you lately at all" come to mind, except its not about friends, its the feeling I get when I listen to that song. That kinda bittersweet nostalgia of decent and some not so decent memories that sometimes, you'd like to not think about because you know it'll never be the same again. And every god damn street corner has some fucking memory... its like looking at a mirror that shows you only what you used to be, not who you are or what your trying to become, so it clouds your judgment and places you in a false sense of complacent idle-ism. Its sleepy, and an illusion because i'm NOT a 16 anymore, and I DONT get to ride around with jessie and anthony on friday nights because its the weekend and we can finally all hang out, and I DONT get to play manhunt, and I DONT get to forget that in a few years I have to actually rely on myself for real for real, because its now.
I dont want to go home, Because I should BE home... and I really like this city. But something has got to be done. I have got to find a way to pull myself out of this. UGH.
But its okay. I feel that half of this is the lack of sleep and the full slab of stress from classes. And, my wifey is coming soon. That will most def do my soul some good.
I have a soul, and it needs to be done some good... I need to stop forgetting that. :)