Project Maybe II
xXx
But my mind won't quit repeating all of Nessa's words. What are any of us supposed to do now? No, don't think about it. Before either of them chooses, I know. I know what's really going to happen. I can't stand it either, just like a spoiled brat.
My shift's over at 5 PM, so I no longer have an excuse for avoiding Luke's stupid calls. Luckily enough, I only have one message so I quickly turn it on. Suddenly I hear a strange man's voice, breezy and tired at the same time.
"Hi, Lina baby. Remember me? It's Nessa's brother, James. Listen, I'm in town for a while. Mind if I visit tonight? Might be nice to catch up."
OK, so I really do like James. He has the best sense of humor. But he was also the first to tell me not to completely break my ties with Nessa. He has this terrible ability to make you feel small and petty... Like maybe it's not too late to make up for everything.
And maybe it's all my fault for not confessing.
I want his advice and company on what I do now, because I don't think I can stand to be alone, knowing that any minute Luke is proposing. Oh my god, they slept together. The mental images physically hurt when I think of them.
"James, it's Lina. You asshole. How do you know I'm not busy hooking up with a hot guy tonight? I'll kick him out for you, alright? Call me. I love you."
I shut my phone, not daring to breathe. Crap. Hopefully, James won't hear the hysteria in my voice.
Maybe James will beat some sense into me. Maybe he'll take my mind off the proposal. Either way, it can't be a bad thing to see James again. It might even be fun. He's about six or seven years older than me. He moved to Brooklyn a few years back, to be co-founder of an immigrations law firm. There, he got married in less than a year to the only black belt I know; Claire.
So maybe tonight I can think about something else, like James's first son. Claire sent me pictures last week of some big dinner party they went to. She was so pregnant that James couldn't properly hug her in the picture. Claire did not appreciate this observation of mine. Eh. It's probably the hormones.
Hey, I could spend the rest of the week with James! Then it wouldn't be so weird... James might even be as mad as I am when he finds out one of his friends is marrying his sister. Worse comes to worse, I take them to Claire's favorite museum and watch my mind melt into a puddle of goo from boredom.
If I were smart, I would think there's something weird about how far I'm going to avoid Nessa. Why do I even put up with this?
Best friends really spoil you. It pisses me off, but the three of us always like the same things, do the same things and think the same way. I've never had as much fun as I used to with them.
Well, they can all go to hell. Me and James will hit it off, and we'll have cuter kids than my former best friends.
Except... James is married. He's been married for almost three years, and he's expecting a kid soon. Damn; I can't be the only single person in the world, right?
OK, there are hundreds of men in New York. Lots of them are real bastards, but my hotter-than-Luke lover is out there somewhere. And he wouldn't even need to meet my best friend and fall madly in love with her, because I don't have a best friend anymore. So where do I meet him?
My phone, ever the source of all my sheer bad luck, weighs down my hand, reminding me to call Luke. I wait for it to ring a few times and hang up. Luke usually can't find his phone, so everyone gets used to leaving him messages and waiting for him to call right back. How does he lose his phone anyway? He only has about four or six pockets to search.
Like clockwork, my phone starts vibrating.
"Hey-"
"Lina, I found it. It's perfect. You gotta come. I'm in the jewelry store next to the bakery with the great chocolate chip cookies."
My mouth waters immediately. "Can you come to me for once?" I whine, feeling my legs ache from work.
"Last time I checked, stores didn't let you walk out with their stuff because you promise-"
"Yeah, yeah. Shut up already. See you in five."
The store's a little out of the way, tucked a few blocks behind the huge supermarket. This bakery makes the best chocolate chip cookies. The storefront smells like warm butter, so much that my nose flies off into paradise. Next to it is some jewelry store I've never noticed before.
In glittering gold script, the sign reads 'Forever and Ever'.
God, how romantic. I linger outside the glass windows, staring at the rows and rows of shiny jewelry. I wonder how it would feel to get one of these.
I wonder if I could stand it if someone other than Luke gave that to me.
It's cold outside, actually. I rub my bare hands together, shivering in my thin military coat. Stupid salesgirl somehow made me believe it would also be warm. It's so cold outside; won't anything warm me up?
A glance inside the doors makes my breath swirl out white hot heat. Luke is trying on several rings, carefully watched by alarmed sales clerks. Most people wouldn't look so crazy. I laugh, and he looks up from his obvious confusion. His lips quirk up in a smile as he waves me inside.
It's stupid how my anger melts away when I step into the store. Light classical music is playing, navy blue velvet is proudly carrying expensive jewels and Luke is walking towards me with his fist clenched by his side. He kneels before me, letting the light from the ring bounce off and blind me.
Lina, don't cry. It'll be OK. Don't let two years of secret crushes go down the drain. My body's tense; my heart's hurting so much- Are my nails digging into my palm?
"Will you marry me," he begins softly. His voice is low, dry and laughing at me. "...Nessa? She'd like this one, wouldn't she?" he adds hopefully.
The pefect image of Luke earnestly proposing is suddenly ruined. I can see he's holding out a really ugly amber ring. The yellow gold band is hideously set against a huge chunk of amber. Damn, now that the light moved a little, I can see a bug stuck inside. His eyes are ringed with dark circles. Is he yawning?
"Are you yawning?" I demand, flushing. But at least my body is relaxing and learning to move again.
He stands up, yawning even more. The ring is hidden again behind a mysterious smile.
"Sorry, didn't get much sleep last night."
Oh, right. Oh God. Don't think about it, Lina.
"That's not much of a proposal." Luke ignores my jab, twirling the amber ring with deft, calloused fingers.
"It's a nice ring; lots of character," he insists. He laughs at the horror in my face. No wait, why am I horrified? This is perfect for Nessa!
"Nessa would love it!" I blurt out, plucking the ring from his hand. "She... She loves amber! Sort of. Kind of," I amend hastily. OK, so maybe she actually hates amber...
Now it's Luke's turn to look horrified. "I was joking. Jesus, Lina. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen."
Some weird sort of high, shrill laughter rings in the air.
Damn, that was me, wasn't it?
"I was joking, Luke. There's a freaking bug trapped in there. I was... I was blinded by your horrible taste." The store is stupidly silent for a few moments as my cheeks heat up.
"Alright," he says at last. He leads me to the counter. "Michelle, this is Lina. Lina, this is the badass Michelle who's giving me a nice discount. Bring out the ring."
Michelle winks at me, brown eyes flashing. She's about sixty, with short graying blonde hair. She flashes me a simple platinum wedding band as she pulls out the ring. "I've been married forty years, and I looked just like this guy when I was proposing," she boasts.
"Oh, that's-"
"Think this ring is worth forty years with me?" Luke asks suddenly. His voice is low. What is he so nervous for?
Michelle hands me the ring and my jaw drops.
Four diamonds are carefully set up to look like a butterfly. The white gold band is studded with some more diamonds. It's so beautiful that I want to put it on. It's so real that I briefly imagine Luke's giving this ring to me.
"It's Calla cut," Luke says proudly. "Vanessa always liked butterflies. She's got a-"
"-butterfly tattoo on her shoulder, I know," I admit quietly. He smiles, most likely thinking we'll somehow become best friends again. Maybe... Is it possible?
What am I going to do when they get married and become official? I can't breathe in this moment. Maybe I should confess. Because maybe I should get my own chance to be happy, too. I've spent so many mornings dreaming and hoping and praying that maybe today would be the day Luke woke up and realized who he loved more. So...
So today he chose. He chose my best friend over me.
Even if I were Luke, I know who I would choose. The beautiful ring, with the beautiful Vanessa or... me, Lina, the girl who has yet to make more than minimum wage and get through college at the same time? I'm terrified. What the hell am I going to do now? It might kill me to watch him marry her.
If he's happy, maybe you should be happy, too, Lina.
He's happy. I know, deep down inside that Luke is happy being with Nessa. He deserves it, too. So then, why can't I be happy? How many times am I going to go around and around in circles?
Do you really think it'll be OK if you hurt Nessa? Isn't she still your best friend?
"I'm very...very..." I try, my voice wobbling. Something's in my eyes- Oh god, it's tears. Shit, this is embarrassing. "I'm very..."
"Huh? What? What're you talking so low for?" Luke squints at me, his face blank.
"I said-" Somehow I break off for a second, swallowing hard as I choose what's really important here. "James is visting," I finish calmly.
He looks like he's been strangled. "James... He's going to kill me. Lina, you gotta distract him. How can I propose if he's right there?"
No way.
"You're proposing that fast?" Panic. "Why?!" Dinner with James might be the only thing that could save me right now.
Luke's face lights up, holding the ring out in front of him. He's speaking words I don't quite understand; a monologue of reasons why he's leaving me. "She's passionate. She's forgiving. I've told her everything about my life. We can talk for hours; we can make each other laugh. What else can I ask for? I love her, so what am I waiting for?" Michelle is unhelpful, giving him a thumbs-up.
In some strange way, he's helping me again. Luke is giving me a ticket out of wasted years. He's forcing me to get forget him. It's been a long four years, each day proving that it's practically impossible to stop loving someone. I don't want to regret it because he's actually a good guy. He made it easier to avoid Nessa. He helped me get into a school in Canada so I could see my dad every day. He can always cheer me up. This is probably the least I can do for him.
I manage a smile, almost thanking him. "I'm... very happy for you."
He, in turn, says, "Thank you." Why does it soothe me?
I've had four long years to get over him. I've given up one of my best friends. I wake up every day with a stupid insane dream, making the same mistake over and over. I did the exact same thing when my parents got divorced. Look where that got me. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be OK. Maybe it'll take another four years until I quit dreaming about him. Either way, Luke is telling me to start dreaming about something else.
So what am I waiting for?
xXx
It's surprisingly easy to get James to come drinking with me. I'm already on my second drink when I struggle to remember how I ended up here.
When I arrive home Luke-less, he's sitting at the dinner table and chatting with my mom. He's as blonde as ever, with wrinkled green eyes. "Hey, Lina. It's been a while!" I rush to hug him, still smelling a faint scent of coffee on him. I let the nostalgia run over me. Things used to be simpler when James was a broke waiter saving up for a suit.
"You still smell like coffee," I whisper.
"I'm drinking coffee," he dead-pans, laughing with my mom. I finally pull away, pulling out a seat and slouching down.
"Mom, you didn't go to work yet?"
"I love to see you too, honey," she says sarcastically, gesturing towards some shopping bags on the couch. "I took a day off."
I roll my eyes, knowing she'll shriek when her VISA bill comes. I turn to James. "So fill me in. How have you been?" I ask excitedly.
"Well, my law firm forced me to take a vacation." That reminds me; he's actually an immigrations lawyer. "I think Claire bribed them or something, like I was telling your mom-" Claire's his wife. How the hell this idiot managed to land her... That's another story.
"Amelia," she flirts shamelessly. I roll my eyes, trying not to gag. She's fluttering mascara-ed eyelashes, and her hair is down from her normal bun. The worse part is that she knows he's married.
"Mom, don't you have work to do?" I hint, dragging out my words. Mom huffs, taking a swig of coffee.
"James was saying that his wife took a grand tour of Manhattan," she continues, ignoring me with a flick of black hair. "Take her to St. Patrick's Cathedral! I know a nun who sells divine bath salts."
"She's 7 months pregnant; as big as a house," he sighs, rubbing his eyes. New dark circles are adorning them, I notice. "I tried to talk her out of it."
"Where is Claire right now?"
"Who know? At least it's not dark yet." He shakes his head, changing the subject. "How's my little sister and... my best friend?" His voice automatically lowers to a groan at the situation.
Mom doesn't say anything. I focus on pouring myself a cup of coffee to hide my frustration. "He's getting married. Can you leave me alone for one night?" So much for being over it. Shit, the coffee's spilling over. How the hell did I miss a cup a foot in front of me? "I'm just going to-"
"He's... Vanessa...and..." A dark look settles over his eyes, and he cracks his knuckles.
"Is this the same 'Luke'?" Mom whispers in the loudest way possible.
Mom has not been sympathetic towards my cause. And no, I have not one speck of privacy.
"Mom!" I whine, roughly wiping my eyes.
She rolls her eyes, shaking her head. "I thought you were over him-" She cuts me off before I can retaliate, smiling brightly. "Honey, let's get a cat! You're just a little lonely, that's all."
Damn it. Mom always says she's going to get a cat. Doesn't she realize how weird it is to have a house of two single women and a cat? We'll be cat spinsters and I'll have to take care of the thing. Mom's terrible with pets. When we had a goldfish, Mom freaked out because it was slimy and made me give it away to the spoiled brat who lives on the third floor.
"We'll call them Candy and Brandy! Oh, and they'll be a warm yellow like brandy with white candy stripes!"
OK, so Mom also thinks of the dumbest names. Our fish was named Willy Wonka.
"I'll take a day off tomorrow!" She hugs me. Damn. I forgot to protest. Maybe I'll fake cramps tomorrow...
I settle into the hug, feeling slightly weirded out. Mom's not into hugs of any kind, really. I wheeze in protest as her chunky rings dig right into my spine, but James distracts me. He's grinning, holding out a set of car keys and jerks his head towards the door. 'You can drive,' he mouths. Huh. Or, maybe I can just get a hangover...
I close my eyes, breathing deeply. It's actually very nice to know they're still supporting me. When I can't see anything, the world seems a little easier to deal with. James has to shake his keys one more time before I finally force open my eyes. "Mom? I'm going out for a while."
She nods, grabbing her briefcase to rush into her bedroom. "I know when I'm not invited. Honey, remember he's -"
I almost choke on my own saliva. God that has looks unattractive. James has the balls to grin at me. "I'm taken but looking," he corrects impishly.
"Shut up," I snap a bit more harshly than usual. "Listen, do you know any good bars around here?"
His green eyes narrow. "You can't drink," he snorts. Why does he have to be a goody-goody all the time?
"I'm 22, James." Why can't I look at him? My mind focuses on pouring myself more coffee.
A sad grin, making him old and serious, appears to darken his face. "I still think you're 18 and in denial of your feelings."
Did I reply with anything? It's so much easier to think of a witty reply.
"STOP!"
My foot slams down on the brakes. Struggling to breathe again, I look up to see... "James, it's green light!" This is so cool. I'm driving along some boulevard, relying on James for directions because I have no idea where anything is. The idiot beside me is mumbling something about installing a second seatbelt. Whatever. I have got to buy my own car. I twirl the wheel experimentally.
"Why are you turning?!"
"It's fun!"
"Alright, that's it. Pull over."
"James-"
"Pull over!" Wow, James looks like he's actually going to vomit, so I better stop messing around with him.
Pouting and muttering curses under my breath, I carefully pull over on the side, unlocking my seatbelt and getting out. We quickly trade seats, and zoom along again.
"So can I-"
"No-"
"Have a car for my birthday?" I plead, using the overhead mirror to straighten my headband.
"No. Girls really can't drive," he mumbles under his breath.
"I heard that!"
He ignores me, easily making an illegal U-turn. James pulls out his cellphone, dialing.
"No phones," I remind, staring out the window.
"I'm calling Claire. Where the hell is she? It's getting dark."
"Hey, are you sure you can drive with a black eye?"
"Nice try, but I'm driving." There's a slight pause between us. "Where do you want to eat?"
"A bar."
He doesn't say anything, so I stare out the window again. He doesn't reach Claire, instead leaving a sickening, cutesy message. "I know a nice restaurant-"
"I just want a whiskey."
"Brat." I smile at how similar Nessa and James are.
I close my eyes, falling back into an old memory. It's not much; maybe thirty seconds, maybe the turning point of my life. I keep imagining Nessa's hysterical voice, asking me what I wanted her to do. Did I still want her to break up with Luke?
"Hey, James... They're getting married. I can't believe I wasted so much of my life, thinking he would realize who was really right for him."
"Lina." He doesn't take his eyes off the road, so I don't bother looking at him. He'd only make me feel worse. "I'm sorry. I know I told you... not to get between them. I was wrong, OK?"
"Yeah. OK..." I stared out the window, away from everything around me. "OK."
What am I getting so mad about? I can't get mad about this. I can't.
"Stop thinking for a minute."
James's voice is harsh but shakes me out of my reverie.
I try a smile, squinting past dim, yellowish lights.
"I'm not thinking," I lie quietly, my eyes skipping back down to my drink. It's not a special drink, with bright colors or fancy garnishes. Whiskey on the rocks; liquid amber that burns my throat. The world suddenly seems so much better. Things are blurrier, and less disappointing.
He pulls out the stool next to mine, metal scraping on scarred wood floors. In his hand is a fruit smoothie. At my wrinkled nose, James takes another sip. "I can't drink if I'm driving. How are you feeling?"
"Not bad. Whiskey's a cure-all."
James pushes a bowl of hot fries towards me. "Eat some. You didn't have lunch yet, right?"
I eat the fries silently, feeling James analyze my every move.
"Tell me what's on your mind," he asks gently. "You keep everything to yourself."
"Should I have given up? But I-" What am I supposed to do if I don't know the outcome? I cover my eyes, shuddering as I breathe. "I really wasted two years hoping someone else's boyfriend would notice me."
"You didn't know it would turn out this way."
The same disappointed anger rises in me. "Exactly. I just always make crappy choices."
The long distance between us has James wordlessly hand me a tissue. I don't cry but shred the tissue mindlessly as I wipe spicy nacho cheese sauce off my fingers. It's something to focus my rage on.
"Luke's an idiot, Lina." His words are so blunt that I snort, hiding a laugh. "He used to be my best friend so I'm allowed to trash talk him. If you never tell him anything, what's a guy like him to do? Square the number of times you smile at him and mutiply that by the number of days you've spent together divided by the number of times he's had a dirty thought about you?"
This is so weird. Do all guys use equations to solve things in life? Well, Luke and James were best friends, so... "OK, I know Luke is helpless when it comes to... anything not covered in school textbooks, but he was valedictorian for a reason-"
"No, I believe I said idiot."
"If he's an idiot, then what am I?"
"Oh you're an idiot, too. But at least you were smart enough to stay away from them."
"You told me to." A lie. That wasn't the only reason.
It was James who convinced me not to say anything before I left for Canada. Now I understand why both Luke and James chose Nessa over me. Luke loves her in the way I never could. James loves her because she's his sister. This wasn't something I could change. But today made me wonder why it couldn't.
"She's my sister. You're my friend. Now you know... if I had to choose between you two..."
"Right."
Does everyone choose Nessa over me?
"You'd choose Nessa."
"You still call her Nessa," he whispers, changing the subject again. I blush bright red, wondering how that had escaped me. I still thought of her as my best friend.
"Yeah, well, that was a long time ago."
James shrugs, looking away. Finally, his quiet voice says, "You guys aren't doing each other any favors by hanging out. Luke's too stupid to realize it, but it's always painful for you and Nessa."
I contemplate this, looking down at the shredded tissue. "Well... Those idiots are my best friends." My eyes press shut in an attempt to stop overflowing tears. "I didn't think I should run away, just because I didn't get what I wanted."
He chuckles darkly, gently rubbing his thumb across my closed eyelids. "You can cry. I don't mind."
"I love you for that," I whisper, laughing as he wipes away the tears sliding down my cheeks. There's a sharp rap against my heart, unleashing more tears. I sniffle, unable to even look at him in the face. "You know, sometimes... I even think she should marry him, because they're perfect together." My voice is so small and defeated.
"Nessa would want to talk to you before that happened."
"Yeah, right," I automatically retort with my usual cynicism.
"Yes, she did. Today she called and told me that her old friend Lina wasn't feeling well, and that I should go see how she's doing." My throat stings, from hearing Nessa's subtle endearment. "Nessa said, 'Lina somehow understands that I can't suddenly be ashamed of loving Luke because she loved him first. I'm not going to break-up with him, but she's not going to give up, either.' You two were really good friends."
She was the first to point out that Luke is, like, the hottest man alive and why the hell don't I have first-hand knowledge of his kissing ability? We haven't had a conversation, let alone an immature one, since she started dating Luke.
"Come on, ditch the whiskey and I'll buy you some chocolate liquor." I burst out laughing, my eyes crinkling so tears keep running down my cheeks. "Triple chocolate milkshake? My treat," he continues, sliding a comforting arm around my shoulders.
I lean on him, sniffling uselessly. I don't know what to say. Am I supposed to say something?
"Remember I'm married," James quips, handing me some more cheap tissue from the bar.
"I wasn't tempted, you idiot."
"OK, no more comments."
*Post got too long, so... live with it, people. ^^