Act XIV: I don't pretend I don't notice.
Chicago is looming closer and I haven't made up my mind as to what I want to do with it.
"What does that mean," you ask, "Chicago looming closer...?"
It means that I have an offer from the Chicago Academy of Art to attend there for one and a half to two years in order to get my degree in Fine Arts and Graphic Design. The offer is there and it's sweeter than the offer from Charlotte just because it's not here.
I don't like the idea of being away from my son for so long so there is a lot that I have to consider before I even take the offer as seriously as I would otherwise. I have friends that are also moving up there should I decide to go and that would be nice. It's just that I can't stand it here anymore. I can't stand having every place that I go by tainted with a memory of one sort or another. I could do without that. I could do without that very well. I could go without the constant reminders of how I screwed this or that up. I could go without the financial beast that is going to school here whereas in Chicago my tuition is pretty much covered and all that would be needed would be supplies (my beautiful gouche and acrylics and Prismacolors)and my books which wouldn't be that bad considering that I've been given a score of textbooks from my teachers here (Mrs. Winfield is a rockstar and Mr. Bosbyshell is a rockstar as well) so that I don't have to worry about books for a while unless they change the format of the Flash program that I've been using. I have all of the programs that I'll need so...
Now what?
Do I stay or do I go? That's the question. More than likely I won't end up going just because of my Little Man. It will all depend on what I can work out with the ex and what we are prepared to compromise on. I'm just thinking out loud here really. Chicago is really sweet. I've been there before and I thought it was amazing. Going back recently was even better simply because I was able to take my time and appreciate it more as far as the arts district and music scene goes. So...
I'm torn. It's either go there for lots of reasons or stay here for one really big one. He's all that I have here. Glenn will be gone from here come November and everyone else that is around me is either going to Chicago also to complete their degrees or they are going to Arizona, or to Savannah, or to New York, or to Florida...
Aside from the tiniest man I have no reason to stay here and to be as forthcoming as possible, that irritates me.
Very much so.
I don't talk about you at all. I confess that also. That's a part of my past that is mine and mine alone. I'm not saying that I HAVEN'T, talked about you I mean, I'm just saying that I don't anymore. That book is closed and I don't want to open another.
I suppose that one of the reasons that Chicago seems so appealing is because it's like a totally fresh start. No family there. No familiar bastards there. No more having to deal with the possibility of running into people that will remind me of this or that. No more having to worry about seeing a goddamn Showmars anymore.
Those ideas appeal to me. I suppose that all I can do is to weigh my options and see what is the best course of action is after all of those options have been examined. We'll see what happens. I have until November to figure something out so I'm not going to stress it too much right now but I am very impatient for that one thing to go right. I don't know what makes me think that things would go any better in Chicago as opposed to here, it's just that my old life is here and well, I miss my old life, parts of it anyway and those aren't there. Those vital parts that make my heart fucking ache so bad that I can't even explain it, let alone describe it. They haven't subsided. They've just been pushed farther into the back of my mind and farther.
Well, I can't stand it anymore. You win. I don't want to be around here anymore and I openly admit that. I don't want to be here but I MUST be. Is that what you want to hear? That I can't stand it anymore? That I'm done in and broken? Well I'm NOT done in and I'm NOT broken and I NEVER was. I'm just sick of being reminded and I'm sick of this place with it's familiar streets and it's familiar places.
I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing alone and one of the main reasons I'm sick of it is because it's HERE.
I've got some thinking to do.
I'll be around.
p.s. I don't know where they end either. I may never find out.
p.s.s. For those of you that read this sometimes and go 'Que?', I offer nothing more than a quick apology.
"What does that mean," you ask, "Chicago looming closer...?"
It means that I have an offer from the Chicago Academy of Art to attend there for one and a half to two years in order to get my degree in Fine Arts and Graphic Design. The offer is there and it's sweeter than the offer from Charlotte just because it's not here.
I don't like the idea of being away from my son for so long so there is a lot that I have to consider before I even take the offer as seriously as I would otherwise. I have friends that are also moving up there should I decide to go and that would be nice. It's just that I can't stand it here anymore. I can't stand having every place that I go by tainted with a memory of one sort or another. I could do without that. I could do without that very well. I could go without the constant reminders of how I screwed this or that up. I could go without the financial beast that is going to school here whereas in Chicago my tuition is pretty much covered and all that would be needed would be supplies (my beautiful gouche and acrylics and Prismacolors)and my books which wouldn't be that bad considering that I've been given a score of textbooks from my teachers here (Mrs. Winfield is a rockstar and Mr. Bosbyshell is a rockstar as well) so that I don't have to worry about books for a while unless they change the format of the Flash program that I've been using. I have all of the programs that I'll need so...
Now what?
Do I stay or do I go? That's the question. More than likely I won't end up going just because of my Little Man. It will all depend on what I can work out with the ex and what we are prepared to compromise on. I'm just thinking out loud here really. Chicago is really sweet. I've been there before and I thought it was amazing. Going back recently was even better simply because I was able to take my time and appreciate it more as far as the arts district and music scene goes. So...
I'm torn. It's either go there for lots of reasons or stay here for one really big one. He's all that I have here. Glenn will be gone from here come November and everyone else that is around me is either going to Chicago also to complete their degrees or they are going to Arizona, or to Savannah, or to New York, or to Florida...
Aside from the tiniest man I have no reason to stay here and to be as forthcoming as possible, that irritates me.
Very much so.
I don't talk about you at all. I confess that also. That's a part of my past that is mine and mine alone. I'm not saying that I HAVEN'T, talked about you I mean, I'm just saying that I don't anymore. That book is closed and I don't want to open another.
I suppose that one of the reasons that Chicago seems so appealing is because it's like a totally fresh start. No family there. No familiar bastards there. No more having to deal with the possibility of running into people that will remind me of this or that. No more having to worry about seeing a goddamn Showmars anymore.
Those ideas appeal to me. I suppose that all I can do is to weigh my options and see what is the best course of action is after all of those options have been examined. We'll see what happens. I have until November to figure something out so I'm not going to stress it too much right now but I am very impatient for that one thing to go right. I don't know what makes me think that things would go any better in Chicago as opposed to here, it's just that my old life is here and well, I miss my old life, parts of it anyway and those aren't there. Those vital parts that make my heart fucking ache so bad that I can't even explain it, let alone describe it. They haven't subsided. They've just been pushed farther into the back of my mind and farther.
Well, I can't stand it anymore. You win. I don't want to be around here anymore and I openly admit that. I don't want to be here but I MUST be. Is that what you want to hear? That I can't stand it anymore? That I'm done in and broken? Well I'm NOT done in and I'm NOT broken and I NEVER was. I'm just sick of being reminded and I'm sick of this place with it's familiar streets and it's familiar places.
I'm tired of having to fight for every little thing alone and one of the main reasons I'm sick of it is because it's HERE.
I've got some thinking to do.
I'll be around.
p.s. I don't know where they end either. I may never find out.
p.s.s. For those of you that read this sometimes and go 'Que?', I offer nothing more than a quick apology.