murder in the air.... ugly rage rearing its head....
well my life seems to have taken a turn fer something worse then i originally thought..... this is pothetic, i think that i might get a guy, but turns out he's a skitso, really.... an one side loves me, the other hates me.... so ya... its weird, an i knew it wasn gonna work, so i had to toss him.... it sounds harsh... but not really considering the shit an hell he put me thru....
well fer the last like 3 days, i've been overly pissed off.... specially when my mom's around.... i mean common....tuesday i was like intches from killing my mom brutally.... she was on my case bout everything..... it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life... keyly not pounding the shit outta her.... now i like to think of myself as a non-fghter, someone who couldn throw a punch rite if thier life depended on it, but i'm serious.... i could have beat her to death an kept going till her face was nothing more than formless mush.... but i resisted.... an i'm ok now.... altho she still pisses me off by looking at me the wrong way.... but like i sayed, i'm ok now... the urges to kill arnt as bad as they used to be..... but their still there....
an now i find that my grandparents, the ones i hate, didn come today... so i did all that cleaning all week for nothing cuz i don't think they'll be comming tomorrow either..... seriously, i think that if those old sons-a-bitches would make up their mind an come when they say they will or just not come at all.... wendal, my uncle, did the same thing like a week maybe 2 ago, cept he didn come at all, an i had to clean the house spotless again.... lil bastatds.... i hate my whole family on the MacAurther side, i could kill them all.... my cousins, aunts, uncles, u name them an i'll be more than glad to put them outta my misury.... this is just more of my rage... but this has been here ferever..... i've always hated my family.... i was just too nice of a lil girl to say anything, show anything, do anything.... but now i'm a rebelious teen, so i can say an show an do anything i want..... an i plan on doing it too... they all deseve it.... they all hate me for who i am, so i plan on hating them for who they are..... the sniveling, conceeded, fucking pricks that they are.... an the reason i suddenly hate my mom is cuz everyday she's acting more an more like my nanny.... an that pisses me off.... so i just add that to the list of why i plan to never ever have kids, or get married.... the having kids part is cuz my mom is living proof.... she acts just like her mom.... i hate my mom an never wanna be thought of as acting like her when i have kids or get married or anything.... an the getting married part, thats cuz if i got married, then i'd be scared that my husband would hate me like my dad hates my mom at times..... i mean he loves her an everything.... but my dad hates my nanny an the rest of the family on my moms side as much as i do, so he hates my mom fer turning out like her mother.... an i would never want my husband to hate my like that someday.... it would kill me.... anyways....
ya an i'm just realizng that all the things i like doing, i suck at.... i wont mention them cuz i don feel like embarrassng myself that way rite now.... an i descovered that any planns i might have for next year are almost dead..... none of them will work.... no one will make them work... they are all too busy with their own shit..... so i'm lost.... an i'm finding more an more people are lieing to me..... i'm serous... next year i plan on being the ugliest person in sight... i'll wear ugly clothes, an blend, like i'm good at.... i'll ease the public eye.... so no one has to see my ugly face....
sometimes i just wanna disappear into my music... its like my only refuge.... i have no where else to go.... i feel like dancing it all way.... jus closing my eyes an letting the music seep in..... but to do that, i have to have music all around me, so loud i can't hear myself think.... but i can't do that, i dont have headphones, an if i did, it wouldn help cuz they have wires, so i wouldn be able to move freely.... an i can't turn up the music cuz people complain.... thats how come i wish i could go to some kinda dance or club or rave or something..... i need this so i can relax, have it take everything off my shoulders.... but its the middle of summer, an i'm only 17... so i can't do alot of those things... so to make it short, i'm a very pissed off girl who can't get away from it.... i'm like trapped... the only other way i know to get rid of this rage is to physically pound, break, bruise, maine, beat, kill, anything that involves hurting something or someone.... i just can't get rid of it.... its festering there, under the surface.... just waiting fer someone to rub me the wrong way..... then it'll be all over.... the whole world will know how violent i can be.... an they'll be scared.... an i wont be able to stop it.... to tell the truth... it kinda scares me....
Sam
well fer the last like 3 days, i've been overly pissed off.... specially when my mom's around.... i mean common....tuesday i was like intches from killing my mom brutally.... she was on my case bout everything..... it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life... keyly not pounding the shit outta her.... now i like to think of myself as a non-fghter, someone who couldn throw a punch rite if thier life depended on it, but i'm serious.... i could have beat her to death an kept going till her face was nothing more than formless mush.... but i resisted.... an i'm ok now.... altho she still pisses me off by looking at me the wrong way.... but like i sayed, i'm ok now... the urges to kill arnt as bad as they used to be..... but their still there....
an now i find that my grandparents, the ones i hate, didn come today... so i did all that cleaning all week for nothing cuz i don't think they'll be comming tomorrow either..... seriously, i think that if those old sons-a-bitches would make up their mind an come when they say they will or just not come at all.... wendal, my uncle, did the same thing like a week maybe 2 ago, cept he didn come at all, an i had to clean the house spotless again.... lil bastatds.... i hate my whole family on the MacAurther side, i could kill them all.... my cousins, aunts, uncles, u name them an i'll be more than glad to put them outta my misury.... this is just more of my rage... but this has been here ferever..... i've always hated my family.... i was just too nice of a lil girl to say anything, show anything, do anything.... but now i'm a rebelious teen, so i can say an show an do anything i want..... an i plan on doing it too... they all deseve it.... they all hate me for who i am, so i plan on hating them for who they are..... the sniveling, conceeded, fucking pricks that they are.... an the reason i suddenly hate my mom is cuz everyday she's acting more an more like my nanny.... an that pisses me off.... so i just add that to the list of why i plan to never ever have kids, or get married.... the having kids part is cuz my mom is living proof.... she acts just like her mom.... i hate my mom an never wanna be thought of as acting like her when i have kids or get married or anything.... an the getting married part, thats cuz if i got married, then i'd be scared that my husband would hate me like my dad hates my mom at times..... i mean he loves her an everything.... but my dad hates my nanny an the rest of the family on my moms side as much as i do, so he hates my mom fer turning out like her mother.... an i would never want my husband to hate my like that someday.... it would kill me.... anyways....
ya an i'm just realizng that all the things i like doing, i suck at.... i wont mention them cuz i don feel like embarrassng myself that way rite now.... an i descovered that any planns i might have for next year are almost dead..... none of them will work.... no one will make them work... they are all too busy with their own shit..... so i'm lost.... an i'm finding more an more people are lieing to me..... i'm serous... next year i plan on being the ugliest person in sight... i'll wear ugly clothes, an blend, like i'm good at.... i'll ease the public eye.... so no one has to see my ugly face....
sometimes i just wanna disappear into my music... its like my only refuge.... i have no where else to go.... i feel like dancing it all way.... jus closing my eyes an letting the music seep in..... but to do that, i have to have music all around me, so loud i can't hear myself think.... but i can't do that, i dont have headphones, an if i did, it wouldn help cuz they have wires, so i wouldn be able to move freely.... an i can't turn up the music cuz people complain.... thats how come i wish i could go to some kinda dance or club or rave or something..... i need this so i can relax, have it take everything off my shoulders.... but its the middle of summer, an i'm only 17... so i can't do alot of those things... so to make it short, i'm a very pissed off girl who can't get away from it.... i'm like trapped... the only other way i know to get rid of this rage is to physically pound, break, bruise, maine, beat, kill, anything that involves hurting something or someone.... i just can't get rid of it.... its festering there, under the surface.... just waiting fer someone to rub me the wrong way..... then it'll be all over.... the whole world will know how violent i can be.... an they'll be scared.... an i wont be able to stop it.... to tell the truth... it kinda scares me....
Sam