Melancholy Musings
It is far too late for me to be awake, as I have my first Yoga class tomorrow morning. However, certain thoughts have simply refused to give my mind rest, and quietly demand voice. So, here I am.
The first of these is that, at times, I wish I was someone else.
I know that probably doesn't sound so strange, but for a person who knows (or thinks she knows) so keenly what she believes in and wants in life, it's disconcerting. I'm not sure it's even a well though-out longing when it comes, it more likely simply embodies some idealized traits I have come to fancy. I know of course I could never give up, knowing what I do now and respecting life as much as I do, vegetarianism. That colors any vision of my future in a certain way, and it is strange for me to feel I know my future even in such a small way. In addition, I hold my identity as a woman very close to me, even though my gender expression is more often on the side of androgynous these days. I know, deep down, I must eventually get sexual reassignment surgery to feel whole, and that is both comforting and disconcerting. But, to the meat of tonight's longing: I sometimes wish I could abandon the outspokenness I have developed the last few years, and live a quieter, more studious life. Most of my studies these days (at least those not directly related to school) circulate predominantly around sustainable agriculture, political theories, and understanding how to continue life outside of the structure of modern society. Much of my motivation for this is based upon a strong sense that I, and those dear to me, will need this knowledge to survive in the future. While I don't base this upon as well-researched of arguments as some do, I believe strongly that there will be a collapse or a radical reform of government in the United States in the near future, and perhaps another global war; I also believe that such events will necessitate taking responsibility for the survival of one's self and community. So, I study how to grow food, survive the seasons, and how to be a healer. But, it occurs to me that there is a possibility that society will not collapse, and that indeed there will be little use for such knowledge, essential though it may seem. In light of these thoughts, my current plans and studies seem futile, and my mind is left to wander in search of alternative visions of the future. What if life continues much as it is now? What if this society somehow flourishes, dysfunctional and deluded though it is? What then? How might I find myself, as an individual, within such a system?
Tonight, I find myself in a sort of melancholic longing for the life of a particular variety of studious young woman... let me paint you a picture: My hair is long and a chestnut brown color, straight and unassuming; I keep it back in a single, long braid which reaches to the middle of my back-- unintentionally graceful. My features are thin and soft, and while I am quite pretty, I am not beautiful in any grand sense of the word. I wear glasses to read, as my vision isn't perfect, and I take comfort in my slight dependence upon them; at times, I wear them even when not strictly required, because I enjoy having others recognize my studiousness through my appearance. I devour books, and have a reputation as quite the bookworm. Most days I am to be found, on my breaks from classes, reading in well-lit windows away from the hubbub of my school's main corridors. My weekends are often spent reading under trees or within the grand old library of the city in which I live. I am not an egotistical person by any means, and I do not impose my self or my opinions upon others. Though others rarely seek my opinion, quiet as I am, I am highly intelligent and form complex ideas during conversations with others, though I rarely voice them. My primary field of study is medicine, of which I am an apt student, with brilliant prospects; of course, I never boast of such things to my friends, which I have a small but close-knit group of. My professors nearly all regard me as a star pupil, and none of them doubt I will go on to make significant contributions to the medical profession through my research. The ethical actions I undertake are common-sense to me, as natural as breathing, and I can not imagine doing anything of different character; I ride the city buses everywhere, though at times I favor riding my bike, and my diet is a simple, healthy, vegan one. I have a part-time job at a local co-op, and I have a deep appreciation for organic foods. Later in my life, I will be more comfortable in a lab coat than any other attire. My tall, thin figure and sharp intellect will beguile others in my field, and many will try to pursue physical relations with me. However, most will eventually be too intimidated by my remarkable intelligence to make any such propositions towards me, and even attempted dates will more frequently end up as studious conversations between intellectuals. I do not care much for sex, and though I will occasionally bed others, I am generally uninterested; I am not given easily to passion, and such acts usually leave me simply feeling bemused. I will have no religious affiliation, nor spirituality, but this will not trouble me. I will understand my world through logic and reason, without blind faith ever entering the picture. Despite this, I will be a humanitarian atheist, believing in the paramount importance of looking after one's own kind and bettering the lives of others. I will contribute, in the course of my research, to the transhumanist movement. I will have a house in a coastal city, with a large library within. My research will generate enough money for me that my life is never anything but comfortable, and I am allowed to pursue my own simple pleasures and quiet life without interference. When I die, my ashes will be scattered from some height, over a body of water, in a place that I love-- likely along the Pacific coast.
I've had quite the unintentional day-dream about this fictional life of mine tonight, and I'm not sure why it captured my imagination or triggered such longing as it did. I recognize it as a fantasy, and I feel no strong attachment to or desire for most of the things I just described... yet perhaps it is simply how very different our two lives are which draws me to it. Our personalities, too, while similar in some regards, are strikingly dissimilar in others; I often wish I did not feel such a burden to inform others of the ideas which I feel are right-- I wish I could live self-containedly, content with the knowledge that my actions are right, and leave others to their lives. However, when I perceive injustice or wrongful actions, or even misplaced faith and absurd beliefs in others, I feel the need to address them. Sometimes, I have to get very verbal and even argumentative to hold my own. I have great conviction, and I am not afraid to speak up. My whole personality, in fact, is loud. For me to pass unnoticed through a room would be unthinkable, and while I do partake in some small measures to encourage this, for the most part it is simply a trait of being true to myself. I am not an easy-to-digest person, and like to think of myself as utterly unique. The fictional young woman I have just written about is none of these things. I don't understand why that holds even temporary appeal, but it does.
The second fantasy I have been victim to tonight is this: I have one true love, who I term "My Love," who exists in the world and will fill the void within me. Actually, as long as I can remember, I have taken this person as a fact. No joke; somewhere in the back of my mind is the unspoken assumption that said person exists. In fact, when I feel very lonely, I often will say quietly "Please come soon, My Love," or "Where are you, My Love? I need you." There has been a firm, mostly unvoiced assumption on my part for my entire life that such a person exists. I don't have any concept of hir gender, hir physical characteristics, hir personality-- nothing. Yet I have always felt, deep down, (and I believe) outside of the influence of popular culture, that a single individual soul exists who will complete me. Even in light of my polyamorous leanings and sensible beliefs about the fallibility and limits of human beings (especially pertaining to "one true love" myths), I still honestly believe this. I only know that, when I meet this person, we will both know immediately that we were meant to be together. I have envisioned this moment many times, as a matter of fact. There is the unintentional look, a moment where we both catch ourselves, and then there is utter recognition. The rest is history. --actually, I think I may know a characteristic of this person: zie may have blue eyes with a flash of orange near the center. That is the only way I can think to explain my immediate and unquestioning attraction to every person I have ever met with eyes of that sort. Perhaps, despite my rocky history with people of said eye color, that explains why I am drawn towards them. Perhaps it's a sign-- something to look for. All I know is, I will know My Love when I see hir, whenever or wherever that is. Silly, isn't it? How can any person, unless they are actually predestined to be My Love, ever live up to such a stereotypic ideal?
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this unadulterated look into my mind.
I will have strange dreams tonight, to be sure. O_o
Sleep well, みっなさん.
The first of these is that, at times, I wish I was someone else.
I know that probably doesn't sound so strange, but for a person who knows (or thinks she knows) so keenly what she believes in and wants in life, it's disconcerting. I'm not sure it's even a well though-out longing when it comes, it more likely simply embodies some idealized traits I have come to fancy. I know of course I could never give up, knowing what I do now and respecting life as much as I do, vegetarianism. That colors any vision of my future in a certain way, and it is strange for me to feel I know my future even in such a small way. In addition, I hold my identity as a woman very close to me, even though my gender expression is more often on the side of androgynous these days. I know, deep down, I must eventually get sexual reassignment surgery to feel whole, and that is both comforting and disconcerting. But, to the meat of tonight's longing: I sometimes wish I could abandon the outspokenness I have developed the last few years, and live a quieter, more studious life. Most of my studies these days (at least those not directly related to school) circulate predominantly around sustainable agriculture, political theories, and understanding how to continue life outside of the structure of modern society. Much of my motivation for this is based upon a strong sense that I, and those dear to me, will need this knowledge to survive in the future. While I don't base this upon as well-researched of arguments as some do, I believe strongly that there will be a collapse or a radical reform of government in the United States in the near future, and perhaps another global war; I also believe that such events will necessitate taking responsibility for the survival of one's self and community. So, I study how to grow food, survive the seasons, and how to be a healer. But, it occurs to me that there is a possibility that society will not collapse, and that indeed there will be little use for such knowledge, essential though it may seem. In light of these thoughts, my current plans and studies seem futile, and my mind is left to wander in search of alternative visions of the future. What if life continues much as it is now? What if this society somehow flourishes, dysfunctional and deluded though it is? What then? How might I find myself, as an individual, within such a system?
Tonight, I find myself in a sort of melancholic longing for the life of a particular variety of studious young woman... let me paint you a picture: My hair is long and a chestnut brown color, straight and unassuming; I keep it back in a single, long braid which reaches to the middle of my back-- unintentionally graceful. My features are thin and soft, and while I am quite pretty, I am not beautiful in any grand sense of the word. I wear glasses to read, as my vision isn't perfect, and I take comfort in my slight dependence upon them; at times, I wear them even when not strictly required, because I enjoy having others recognize my studiousness through my appearance. I devour books, and have a reputation as quite the bookworm. Most days I am to be found, on my breaks from classes, reading in well-lit windows away from the hubbub of my school's main corridors. My weekends are often spent reading under trees or within the grand old library of the city in which I live. I am not an egotistical person by any means, and I do not impose my self or my opinions upon others. Though others rarely seek my opinion, quiet as I am, I am highly intelligent and form complex ideas during conversations with others, though I rarely voice them. My primary field of study is medicine, of which I am an apt student, with brilliant prospects; of course, I never boast of such things to my friends, which I have a small but close-knit group of. My professors nearly all regard me as a star pupil, and none of them doubt I will go on to make significant contributions to the medical profession through my research. The ethical actions I undertake are common-sense to me, as natural as breathing, and I can not imagine doing anything of different character; I ride the city buses everywhere, though at times I favor riding my bike, and my diet is a simple, healthy, vegan one. I have a part-time job at a local co-op, and I have a deep appreciation for organic foods. Later in my life, I will be more comfortable in a lab coat than any other attire. My tall, thin figure and sharp intellect will beguile others in my field, and many will try to pursue physical relations with me. However, most will eventually be too intimidated by my remarkable intelligence to make any such propositions towards me, and even attempted dates will more frequently end up as studious conversations between intellectuals. I do not care much for sex, and though I will occasionally bed others, I am generally uninterested; I am not given easily to passion, and such acts usually leave me simply feeling bemused. I will have no religious affiliation, nor spirituality, but this will not trouble me. I will understand my world through logic and reason, without blind faith ever entering the picture. Despite this, I will be a humanitarian atheist, believing in the paramount importance of looking after one's own kind and bettering the lives of others. I will contribute, in the course of my research, to the transhumanist movement. I will have a house in a coastal city, with a large library within. My research will generate enough money for me that my life is never anything but comfortable, and I am allowed to pursue my own simple pleasures and quiet life without interference. When I die, my ashes will be scattered from some height, over a body of water, in a place that I love-- likely along the Pacific coast.
I've had quite the unintentional day-dream about this fictional life of mine tonight, and I'm not sure why it captured my imagination or triggered such longing as it did. I recognize it as a fantasy, and I feel no strong attachment to or desire for most of the things I just described... yet perhaps it is simply how very different our two lives are which draws me to it. Our personalities, too, while similar in some regards, are strikingly dissimilar in others; I often wish I did not feel such a burden to inform others of the ideas which I feel are right-- I wish I could live self-containedly, content with the knowledge that my actions are right, and leave others to their lives. However, when I perceive injustice or wrongful actions, or even misplaced faith and absurd beliefs in others, I feel the need to address them. Sometimes, I have to get very verbal and even argumentative to hold my own. I have great conviction, and I am not afraid to speak up. My whole personality, in fact, is loud. For me to pass unnoticed through a room would be unthinkable, and while I do partake in some small measures to encourage this, for the most part it is simply a trait of being true to myself. I am not an easy-to-digest person, and like to think of myself as utterly unique. The fictional young woman I have just written about is none of these things. I don't understand why that holds even temporary appeal, but it does.
The second fantasy I have been victim to tonight is this: I have one true love, who I term "My Love," who exists in the world and will fill the void within me. Actually, as long as I can remember, I have taken this person as a fact. No joke; somewhere in the back of my mind is the unspoken assumption that said person exists. In fact, when I feel very lonely, I often will say quietly "Please come soon, My Love," or "Where are you, My Love? I need you." There has been a firm, mostly unvoiced assumption on my part for my entire life that such a person exists. I don't have any concept of hir gender, hir physical characteristics, hir personality-- nothing. Yet I have always felt, deep down, (and I believe) outside of the influence of popular culture, that a single individual soul exists who will complete me. Even in light of my polyamorous leanings and sensible beliefs about the fallibility and limits of human beings (especially pertaining to "one true love" myths), I still honestly believe this. I only know that, when I meet this person, we will both know immediately that we were meant to be together. I have envisioned this moment many times, as a matter of fact. There is the unintentional look, a moment where we both catch ourselves, and then there is utter recognition. The rest is history. --actually, I think I may know a characteristic of this person: zie may have blue eyes with a flash of orange near the center. That is the only way I can think to explain my immediate and unquestioning attraction to every person I have ever met with eyes of that sort. Perhaps, despite my rocky history with people of said eye color, that explains why I am drawn towards them. Perhaps it's a sign-- something to look for. All I know is, I will know My Love when I see hir, whenever or wherever that is. Silly, isn't it? How can any person, unless they are actually predestined to be My Love, ever live up to such a stereotypic ideal?
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this unadulterated look into my mind.
I will have strange dreams tonight, to be sure. O_o
Sleep well, みっなさん.