Catch that train
Family's coming next week to celebrate Christmas. Definitely feel... pending doom isn't the right word, but Dad mentioned feeling like a freight train was coming, and not being sure how to get up to speed to catch it, and I absolutely identify. Not just now, but before Hallowe'en, and DragonCon, and...; whenever there's a project for which I am responsible, which has a deadline I have this anxiety beforehand.
The good news is now that I'm aware of it, I can work with it. And buying five presents, cleaning house, and cooking food is eminently doable. Adding tonight's condo meeting, tomorrow's D&D, Saturday's birthday party, Sunday's blood donation, and other things that pop up increase the difficulty level, but it's still probably within "easy" mode. I just need a timeline. And to figure out why I'm shying away from making solid plans.
In related news, despite my supposedly excellent performance over the course of the previous year (see my most recent evaluation of new years' resolutions), I am bothered by my lack of advancement along any number of fronts. This was brought to the fore in an upsetting (but valuable) conversation when Mum asked what I want to do with my life, and... I really don't know. At this point, I feel like my best option is to keep going with the flow until I get a specific calling. I feel option overload, and somewhat lackadaisical towards previous "I want to be a genetic engineer (etc) when I grow up!", and while there are things I know I enjoy (or have enjoyed), I feel mediocre about turning them into careers. Worse, I envy people who "just know" (in several senses), and wonder if there's something wrong with me that I missed out (one of my least favorite phrases) on something, or if I just need to be patient, or if I can do something to help (and should obviously get rid of the unhealthy "wrong with me" mindset). There's also a small sense of guilt - I know I'm excellent in a lot of ways, and could be good at any number of things, and am worried that I'm wasting my gifts. Any number of my associates are getting more degrees, and I think I should too - but why? And which one? Option overload again. This is kind of like the "project" worry above, except I don't have any direction, and I don't know when the (literal) deadline is.
...
So. Now ye know one of the reasons I keep making a fuss about "getting things done", and have repeatedly been trying to design systems to support my efficiency, and publicly declaring "I will do this!", and trying to drive myself to action. I want to prove that I'm good enough, in part because I don't feel like I'm good enough. Which I was told plenty of times as a child, which is also when I remember being the most boisterous. Also, something about being easily distracted. Squirrel!
There are a few things I can do to work with that, though. The first is to tap down the fear and lack of self esteem, work with it, and integrate it.
The second is to see what kind of support I can get with the goals I do have, break said goals into smaller pieces to truly realize that they're achievable, and do those smaller pieces.
The third part is the crystallization of something I've said for quite some time now. "Everyone wins" is my goal state, and I truly enjoy the idea behind resource management - making sure everyone gets what they need. Economics might could help with that. As an extension, I realized that most of the solutions I've been thinking of have been web-based, but not everyone has web access, so that's a precursor: Universal web access increases communication, access to resources, democratization, information... and of course, kittens, porn, and shitheads. Anywho, said goal resonates remarkably well with the image of the current Dalai Lama floating around but seems to have been misattributed: "This planet doesn’t need more ‘successful’ people but is in desperate need of more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of every shape and form. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these needs have very little to do with success - the way our culture has defined it." - David OrrDifferent LJ is different.
The good news is now that I'm aware of it, I can work with it. And buying five presents, cleaning house, and cooking food is eminently doable. Adding tonight's condo meeting, tomorrow's D&D, Saturday's birthday party, Sunday's blood donation, and other things that pop up increase the difficulty level, but it's still probably within "easy" mode. I just need a timeline. And to figure out why I'm shying away from making solid plans.
In related news, despite my supposedly excellent performance over the course of the previous year (see my most recent evaluation of new years' resolutions), I am bothered by my lack of advancement along any number of fronts. This was brought to the fore in an upsetting (but valuable) conversation when Mum asked what I want to do with my life, and... I really don't know. At this point, I feel like my best option is to keep going with the flow until I get a specific calling. I feel option overload, and somewhat lackadaisical towards previous "I want to be a genetic engineer (etc) when I grow up!", and while there are things I know I enjoy (or have enjoyed), I feel mediocre about turning them into careers. Worse, I envy people who "just know" (in several senses), and wonder if there's something wrong with me that I missed out (one of my least favorite phrases) on something, or if I just need to be patient, or if I can do something to help (and should obviously get rid of the unhealthy "wrong with me" mindset). There's also a small sense of guilt - I know I'm excellent in a lot of ways, and could be good at any number of things, and am worried that I'm wasting my gifts. Any number of my associates are getting more degrees, and I think I should too - but why? And which one? Option overload again. This is kind of like the "project" worry above, except I don't have any direction, and I don't know when the (literal) deadline is.
...
So. Now ye know one of the reasons I keep making a fuss about "getting things done", and have repeatedly been trying to design systems to support my efficiency, and publicly declaring "I will do this!", and trying to drive myself to action. I want to prove that I'm good enough, in part because I don't feel like I'm good enough. Which I was told plenty of times as a child, which is also when I remember being the most boisterous. Also, something about being easily distracted. Squirrel!
There are a few things I can do to work with that, though. The first is to tap down the fear and lack of self esteem, work with it, and integrate it.
The second is to see what kind of support I can get with the goals I do have, break said goals into smaller pieces to truly realize that they're achievable, and do those smaller pieces.
The third part is the crystallization of something I've said for quite some time now. "Everyone wins" is my goal state, and I truly enjoy the idea behind resource management - making sure everyone gets what they need. Economics might could help with that. As an extension, I realized that most of the solutions I've been thinking of have been web-based, but not everyone has web access, so that's a precursor: Universal web access increases communication, access to resources, democratization, information... and of course, kittens, porn, and shitheads. Anywho, said goal resonates remarkably well with the image of the current Dalai Lama floating around but seems to have been misattributed: "This planet doesn’t need more ‘successful’ people but is in desperate need of more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of every shape and form. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these needs have very little to do with success - the way our culture has defined it." - David OrrDifferent LJ is different.