Continuation
Yep, still alive.Have won the metaphorical lottery of late. Two tax refunds, property tax reduced with little effort on my part, and refinancing all hitting at the same time has done wonders for my checkbook. Most (myself included) would be tempted to point out how good they are, and this is just the chickens coming home to roost for helping people all the time, or making wise investments, or whathaveyou. A deeper examination tells me that I'm fortunate for fortune's sake, and I can only hope to pay it back. One way or the other, I love my life.Bilbo: "My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. Well, I can honestly say I've told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it.
... there was that time I was involved in the porn scene in London, for instance."Looking for another roommate come mid-May at the earliest. Lemme know if you know people who know people. They'll do lunch.There wasn't any comment elsewhere. I'm stunned, honestly. Am I the only person who thinks the juxtaposition of these two studies is significant? http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/america-has-a-sadness-belt http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-your-moral-decisions-shaped-by-moodAirfare jumped $200 in a week. Will keep searching regularly. If my travel money and the ticket prices don't converge, however, I might be aiming for fall.This is one of those things that I know I'm supposed to write, in part with how hard it is to approach it. Let's see how I can put these together.
In regards to my eight-year absence of partner, there are numerous voices that describe me as a failure. Diamond commercials remind me that it's the perfect time to propose. I've learned that I can cut timeshare hawkers off almost immediately by telling them I'm single. People express bewilderment at my lack of dating ("Don't you want love(sex/a wife/a girlfriend/kids)..." or "But you're so eligible (financially stable/dance and cook/nice/handsome/whatever positive qualities)!"). Media with idealized relationships abound. I'm probably the most insidious voice, internalizing the culture and using it to criticize myself; even moreso with the weekly reminders of how wonderful my previous relationship was (if one doesn't examine it more closely, which emotional responses are not wont to do).
Being called a loser is just pointless. Being told that I'm in the process of losing is just as bad, unless I know how to win, and none of these critics are volunteering that information.
I . DON'T . KNOW . HOW .
I could try to experiment to find out on my own, but the game space is completely overwhelming. I tend to take a long time to process choices, and there are so many things going on that I feel like other people have learned that they're all skating while I'm still learning to tie my shoes (with nobody showing me). I don't know where to start. Of course, Realistically, I know others have lucked out too. And I have had successful relationships, yes, but those all started with me mentally building someone up as "right for me", which I have since stopped as it strikes me as a good way to sow the seeds of disappointment when they turn out to be human.
I'm also second-guessing my own motives. The only reasons I want a partner are selfish, which I can't resolve with the fact that I know that nobody owes me anything. That isn't to say the ideal of me championing and nourishing and supporting someone doesn't happen when I love someone; but until I do have someone to love, the search seems to be entirely focused on my needs. Carts and horses and all that. Oh, and the weirdness of treating people differently because of sexual potential; if you only invite certain strangers out to dinner, instead of most of the people you meet...
I'm also experiencing some dissonant cognition about lifestyle changes. I do remember being different people when I was in relationships. (karishi, do you have any feedback on how I have seemed oh so many years ago?) There's a strike against "be yourself" because myself rarely plans to go out, with the exception of friends' game nights (at which strangers would probably feel out-of-place) and tango (in which it is nearly impossible for novices to casually engage). And of course, the thing about doing the same thing and expecting a different result. But I also don't want to give a false impression about how I live my life.
I think I've come to a point of resolution: Have an excellent life, and share it with people. And if someone seems to be criticizing me (but is not nasty in general), ask them for help improving. And try a few more new things periodically, that could have a lower entry level than my regular hobbies. Still need to tap out a lot of the baggage, though, and I'd be interested in people's thoughts on all the stuff that doesn't make sense.
... there was that time I was involved in the porn scene in London, for instance."Looking for another roommate come mid-May at the earliest. Lemme know if you know people who know people. They'll do lunch.There wasn't any comment elsewhere. I'm stunned, honestly. Am I the only person who thinks the juxtaposition of these two studies is significant? http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/america-has-a-sadness-belt http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-your-moral-decisions-shaped-by-moodAirfare jumped $200 in a week. Will keep searching regularly. If my travel money and the ticket prices don't converge, however, I might be aiming for fall.This is one of those things that I know I'm supposed to write, in part with how hard it is to approach it. Let's see how I can put these together.
In regards to my eight-year absence of partner, there are numerous voices that describe me as a failure. Diamond commercials remind me that it's the perfect time to propose. I've learned that I can cut timeshare hawkers off almost immediately by telling them I'm single. People express bewilderment at my lack of dating ("Don't you want love(sex/a wife/a girlfriend/kids)..." or "But you're so eligible (financially stable/dance and cook/nice/handsome/whatever positive qualities)!"). Media with idealized relationships abound. I'm probably the most insidious voice, internalizing the culture and using it to criticize myself; even moreso with the weekly reminders of how wonderful my previous relationship was (if one doesn't examine it more closely, which emotional responses are not wont to do).
Being called a loser is just pointless. Being told that I'm in the process of losing is just as bad, unless I know how to win, and none of these critics are volunteering that information.
I . DON'T . KNOW . HOW .
I could try to experiment to find out on my own, but the game space is completely overwhelming. I tend to take a long time to process choices, and there are so many things going on that I feel like other people have learned that they're all skating while I'm still learning to tie my shoes (with nobody showing me). I don't know where to start. Of course, Realistically, I know others have lucked out too. And I have had successful relationships, yes, but those all started with me mentally building someone up as "right for me", which I have since stopped as it strikes me as a good way to sow the seeds of disappointment when they turn out to be human.
I'm also second-guessing my own motives. The only reasons I want a partner are selfish, which I can't resolve with the fact that I know that nobody owes me anything. That isn't to say the ideal of me championing and nourishing and supporting someone doesn't happen when I love someone; but until I do have someone to love, the search seems to be entirely focused on my needs. Carts and horses and all that. Oh, and the weirdness of treating people differently because of sexual potential; if you only invite certain strangers out to dinner, instead of most of the people you meet...
I'm also experiencing some dissonant cognition about lifestyle changes. I do remember being different people when I was in relationships. (karishi, do you have any feedback on how I have seemed oh so many years ago?) There's a strike against "be yourself" because myself rarely plans to go out, with the exception of friends' game nights (at which strangers would probably feel out-of-place) and tango (in which it is nearly impossible for novices to casually engage). And of course, the thing about doing the same thing and expecting a different result. But I also don't want to give a false impression about how I live my life.
I think I've come to a point of resolution: Have an excellent life, and share it with people. And if someone seems to be criticizing me (but is not nasty in general), ask them for help improving. And try a few more new things periodically, that could have a lower entry level than my regular hobbies. Still need to tap out a lot of the baggage, though, and I'd be interested in people's thoughts on all the stuff that doesn't make sense.