Checking In For 2008...
Well, this year so far has gotten off to a rather rocky start, but I'm hanging in there.
First off, I'd like to take this time to offer an apology to my friends. I'm sorry if I've let you down, if I haven't been as good of a friend lately, or if I've been neglecting some of my long-time friends out there. Obviously, there's a lot of issues over the past year or so that I've been dealing with, and am still dealing with as I write. All I can ask for is your forgiveness and understanding, as I'm trying to hold myself to a higher standard, and do the right thing, for myself, and for others in my life.
Second, I'm making some rather amazing insights into why I am the way I am. Some of this goes back to long-standing issues, most of which go back for decades. One of them, is the realization that I'm beginning to understand why I seem so different from everyone else, primarily in the way I interact with others.
When I was a child, my development wasn't quite up to the level of "normal" children. For instance, I was a late talker. (However, it seems in recent years, around certain people, I've made up for it. ^_^;) - My sister started speaking around age two, whereas I didn't start talking until I was around five. My parents were concerned for me, fearing that I was autistic. I spent most of my early elementary school years attending speech therapy at California State University Stanislaus, and obviously, it paid off. (So, for those of you who wonder why I just don't STFU when I should at times, you can blame good old Turkey Tech. ^_^;)
Still, grade school, junior high, and high school for the most part was a long-running series of years where I didn't quite fit in with the others. I remember during most of my recess breaks in grade school, I'd be wandering off around the perimeter of the schoolyard, off in my own little world, talking with myself, imagining all sorts of things. It toned down significantly by the time I reached 7th and 8th grade, but I only hung around with a handful of close friends, as well as a friend of mine who lived a few houses down from me. I'd have a couple friends I'd hang out and do things with when school was out, but for the most part, when I was home by myself, I usually kept to myself, with my toys, comics, and video/computer games. I wasn't any Mr. Popularity, since I gravitated to being more of a geek than a jock or brain. In fact, I had problems with being teased by other kids, and didn't get a good grip on that until I was halfway finished with high school.
I did, however have some interests, primarily in reading (I was reading at levels a few years ahead of my classmates), and I loved to get lost in reading encylopedias, learning about space travel, electronics, computers, as well as expressing myself through art and writing. I was in a gifted student program for the last few years of grade school, and the beginning of junior high, but I eventually lost focus, got bored, or burned out, and rotated back into the mainstream halfway through 7th grade. However, when I wanted to learn about something, I was able to focus on it, and achieve an and understanding of it, whether it was figuring out computers, the filmstrip or film projector, or being the only one in the house who could stop the VCRs and microwave ovens from flashing "12:00" continuously.
High school ended, I had a car, a low-level minimum wage job in the fast food industry, and college was head of me. I made it as far as Modesto Junior College, I had an interest in learning about computers, in fact, choosing to major in Computer Science, but I lacked direction, or at least a plan for what classes I needed to concentrate on. I spent about five or six years at what was supposed to be a two-year stop on the way to a major university, college, or at least a technical institute. My field of study required excellent math schools, but I crashed and burned after geometry, failing to understand and achieve mastery of higher math. (Trigonometry and Calculus.) - I lost direction, and I never earned my college degree.
I've had a handful of jobs from age 16 until now, only over a decade ago achieving full-time employment with medical/dental/vision benefits, as well as building up a retirement account. However, I became aware that there was something in me that made me dramatically different from those around me.
I tried my hand at poetry and prose writing, and managed to reach out to a few people, but socializing was always a hit-and-miss thing with me. Some people I talked to would get where I was coming from, while others would wonder why I talked about certain things, and there seemed to be a disconnect between myself and them. To this day, I have had difficulty getting involved in a relationship. I know I like women, but I find it hard to talk to them. I've either missed cues if a girl was interested in me, or I'd be interested in them, and I'd only end up driving them off, with them getting the wrong idea about me.
I've had successes, and I've had failures, and failures weighed very heavily on my soul. One of the most significant downfalls of mine was where I was given a chance to demonstrate that I could handle a management role in the operations staff for a major anime convention, and I didn't quite measure up to the task. At the time, all I could do was try to figure out what I did wrong, and just take it as a life lesson.
In recent times, I've found a hobby that I've loved (Anime fandom), and I've made friends, I got into cosplay, working with a local anime club, and even helpigng out with staffing a few conventions here and there. I've met friends who share my interests, even hooked up with a few close friends to do things together with at cons, as well as build plans for our own projects. However, in recent times, things have almost seemed to have broken down, either due to bad communication, problems with sharing the same vision or plans, or my long-standing inability to say "no" when things just don't work out.
I've had some rather bad karma come back to bite me on the ass with a vengeance halfway through last year, and it's gotten to the point where a couple friends, and most of my immediate family have become concerned for me. My father had done some research, and found out about Asperger's Syndrome, which is a high-spectrum autism disorder, and noticed that over my lifetime, I've exhibited traits that seem to be symptomatic of it. He also read a book entitled "Look Me In The Eye," written by John Elder Robison, an individual who was diagnosed with Asperger's at around my current age, and recommended that I take a look at it. I've listened to the five-cd audio book, and am currently working through the hardcover version.
Upon learning more about Asperger's, the more I've realized certain things about me seem to make a bit more sense than before, but I have not been formally professionally diagnosed. I'm still finding out more about it, and how I relate to my findings. I still have a lot to learn.
In the meantime, I'm trying to do the best I can to manage goings-on, both with my personal life, and dealings with others. I'm working to pay off my debts, rebuild my self-confidence, and regain some control over my life. At this point, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this, as well as for your understanding. For now, I'm trying to keep moving on with my life.
First off, I'd like to take this time to offer an apology to my friends. I'm sorry if I've let you down, if I haven't been as good of a friend lately, or if I've been neglecting some of my long-time friends out there. Obviously, there's a lot of issues over the past year or so that I've been dealing with, and am still dealing with as I write. All I can ask for is your forgiveness and understanding, as I'm trying to hold myself to a higher standard, and do the right thing, for myself, and for others in my life.
Second, I'm making some rather amazing insights into why I am the way I am. Some of this goes back to long-standing issues, most of which go back for decades. One of them, is the realization that I'm beginning to understand why I seem so different from everyone else, primarily in the way I interact with others.
When I was a child, my development wasn't quite up to the level of "normal" children. For instance, I was a late talker. (However, it seems in recent years, around certain people, I've made up for it. ^_^;) - My sister started speaking around age two, whereas I didn't start talking until I was around five. My parents were concerned for me, fearing that I was autistic. I spent most of my early elementary school years attending speech therapy at California State University Stanislaus, and obviously, it paid off. (So, for those of you who wonder why I just don't STFU when I should at times, you can blame good old Turkey Tech. ^_^;)
Still, grade school, junior high, and high school for the most part was a long-running series of years where I didn't quite fit in with the others. I remember during most of my recess breaks in grade school, I'd be wandering off around the perimeter of the schoolyard, off in my own little world, talking with myself, imagining all sorts of things. It toned down significantly by the time I reached 7th and 8th grade, but I only hung around with a handful of close friends, as well as a friend of mine who lived a few houses down from me. I'd have a couple friends I'd hang out and do things with when school was out, but for the most part, when I was home by myself, I usually kept to myself, with my toys, comics, and video/computer games. I wasn't any Mr. Popularity, since I gravitated to being more of a geek than a jock or brain. In fact, I had problems with being teased by other kids, and didn't get a good grip on that until I was halfway finished with high school.
I did, however have some interests, primarily in reading (I was reading at levels a few years ahead of my classmates), and I loved to get lost in reading encylopedias, learning about space travel, electronics, computers, as well as expressing myself through art and writing. I was in a gifted student program for the last few years of grade school, and the beginning of junior high, but I eventually lost focus, got bored, or burned out, and rotated back into the mainstream halfway through 7th grade. However, when I wanted to learn about something, I was able to focus on it, and achieve an and understanding of it, whether it was figuring out computers, the filmstrip or film projector, or being the only one in the house who could stop the VCRs and microwave ovens from flashing "12:00" continuously.
High school ended, I had a car, a low-level minimum wage job in the fast food industry, and college was head of me. I made it as far as Modesto Junior College, I had an interest in learning about computers, in fact, choosing to major in Computer Science, but I lacked direction, or at least a plan for what classes I needed to concentrate on. I spent about five or six years at what was supposed to be a two-year stop on the way to a major university, college, or at least a technical institute. My field of study required excellent math schools, but I crashed and burned after geometry, failing to understand and achieve mastery of higher math. (Trigonometry and Calculus.) - I lost direction, and I never earned my college degree.
I've had a handful of jobs from age 16 until now, only over a decade ago achieving full-time employment with medical/dental/vision benefits, as well as building up a retirement account. However, I became aware that there was something in me that made me dramatically different from those around me.
I tried my hand at poetry and prose writing, and managed to reach out to a few people, but socializing was always a hit-and-miss thing with me. Some people I talked to would get where I was coming from, while others would wonder why I talked about certain things, and there seemed to be a disconnect between myself and them. To this day, I have had difficulty getting involved in a relationship. I know I like women, but I find it hard to talk to them. I've either missed cues if a girl was interested in me, or I'd be interested in them, and I'd only end up driving them off, with them getting the wrong idea about me.
I've had successes, and I've had failures, and failures weighed very heavily on my soul. One of the most significant downfalls of mine was where I was given a chance to demonstrate that I could handle a management role in the operations staff for a major anime convention, and I didn't quite measure up to the task. At the time, all I could do was try to figure out what I did wrong, and just take it as a life lesson.
In recent times, I've found a hobby that I've loved (Anime fandom), and I've made friends, I got into cosplay, working with a local anime club, and even helpigng out with staffing a few conventions here and there. I've met friends who share my interests, even hooked up with a few close friends to do things together with at cons, as well as build plans for our own projects. However, in recent times, things have almost seemed to have broken down, either due to bad communication, problems with sharing the same vision or plans, or my long-standing inability to say "no" when things just don't work out.
I've had some rather bad karma come back to bite me on the ass with a vengeance halfway through last year, and it's gotten to the point where a couple friends, and most of my immediate family have become concerned for me. My father had done some research, and found out about Asperger's Syndrome, which is a high-spectrum autism disorder, and noticed that over my lifetime, I've exhibited traits that seem to be symptomatic of it. He also read a book entitled "Look Me In The Eye," written by John Elder Robison, an individual who was diagnosed with Asperger's at around my current age, and recommended that I take a look at it. I've listened to the five-cd audio book, and am currently working through the hardcover version.
Upon learning more about Asperger's, the more I've realized certain things about me seem to make a bit more sense than before, but I have not been formally professionally diagnosed. I'm still finding out more about it, and how I relate to my findings. I still have a lot to learn.
In the meantime, I'm trying to do the best I can to manage goings-on, both with my personal life, and dealings with others. I'm working to pay off my debts, rebuild my self-confidence, and regain some control over my life. At this point, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this, as well as for your understanding. For now, I'm trying to keep moving on with my life.