Poisonous Hope
Title: Poisonous hope
Author: raid_kun
Pairing: ToDae. Seunghyun/Daesung
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~3400
Summary: Daesung was not the happy person everyone thought he was.
A/N: Dedicated to sunnystarr, who has been more than just an inspiration on more than just one occasion. :D
A/N 2: Loads of angst and sadness! And pretentious vagueness! And maybe a happy ending for once? 8D Most challenging fic I've written thus far, which is not saying a lot considering I've only written two. D:
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The first time Daesung's world shifted, it was not because of something he achieved, not the fact that he managed to secure his place in Big Bang, no. It was something far simpler that made his life that much more complicated. Much too complicated.
-----
All he could remember now were the murky memories of fatigue, stress, pressure, and an overwhelming sense of failure. Happy memories, he'd realized.
"It’s all going to be okay." That deep voice had told him. Him that was curled once again into a ball at the corner of the practice room that made him feel worthless. He looked up at the voice and through his tears, saw that voice's reassuring smile and felt like he could believe this voice.
"How... how do you know? How can you be so sure?" He'd asked.
"Because you’re you. And because you have me. You have us." Bass mixed with rich chocolate, Daesung had never heard a sound that made him feel this way - reassured, trusting, and oh so good in mysterious places.
And then the warmth of that voice's embrace, strong arms that held him as if he was not the worthless person he thought he was. Arms that made him feel like he mattered to someone. Arms that made him feel like he could be someone.
So he cried, not because he felt like a failure, not because he felt like giving up. He cried because the hope of someone caring for him was far too much to bear.
When did he get so afraid of being happy?
-----
Daesung was a happy person. Everyone thought so. The smiles that made his eyes disappear, the laughs that conquered the room, all Daesung was made for was to be joy, spread joy.
So everyone thought so.
Only one voice knew, knew it was not what it seemed. Daesung was not a truly happy person, not all the time, not most of the time. Only the voice of Seunghyun's saw his tears of despair in the dark, only his arms felt the desperation and the rapidly cooling passion of Daesung's as the days went by. Seunghyun hoped that by keeping Daesung in his arms tight enough, he could help keep his fire for life burning.
Seunghyun believed that was why he held Daesung so firmly.
-----
Someday, Daesung had fallen into the evils of being truly happy. It did not happen too often, but when it did it was always with the person who saw his saddest moments. The owner of the deep chocolate voice, Seunghyun.
Seunghyun's smiles made him feel like a child, like there was someone who would protect him no matter what. Being with Seunghyun made him feel like he did not have to achieve anything, did not have to meet any standards. He liked the illusion of that.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Seunghyun asked as he averted his face away, pretending to be shy.
"Because looking at you makes me happy hyung."
Because looking at his only hope of survival made him happy.
-----
Daesung stared at his dark surroundings as he tossed on his bed. Words from people that hurt and angered him echoed in the room. He felt confused, why didn’t these feelings go away like the days did? He thought it would, but as months passed and seasons changed, he began to see how naive he had been.
Hope and happiness, the two things that will make you sad. Hoping for happiness always ends in disappointment.
He got up and off his bed in one swift moment, hoping to swing away the nagging thoughts that drifted idly around him. He padded slowly to the door, clutched the cool knob and stepped out of his room, closer to the hope of a better night.
Hope. Poisonous addictive hope. When would he ever learn?
As he did the same on Seunghyun's door, though much more slowly and quietly, his heart started rumbling in a comfortable heat. Seunghyun's room as always, smelled faintly of the wood and spice of his cologne, mingling with the smell of fresh clothes and sheets. The other man's steady breaths made him feel strange - anxious yet familiar. He could never place a name on that strange buzz that he felt whenever he saw Seunghyun.
Anxious yet familiar. He wondered what that feeling was.
The door closed behind Daesung as silently as his approach. He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to not wake his sleeping hope. The cool air in the room became evident to Daesung as his cheeks heated up considerably. He thought it must be the happiness, the glow of cheer that made him feel so warm. So pleasant.
The way Seunghyun's hair splayed lightly over his closed eyes was familiar. The way his lips parted slightly was familiar. The way he tucked his arms under his pillow was familiar. Yet Daesung never really grew tired of the sight of his hope, feeling an odd sense of excitement and glee every single time he laid eyes on the man.
Said man was a light sleeper too, seemingly woken up by the sound of Daesung's bright aura.
"Mmm, you are weird Daedae." Seunghyun grumbled into his pillow, low, tired, resignated. "Who stares at people when they're sleeping?"
Daesung did not say anything, merely grinned and held onto a ball of Seunghyun's sweatpants lightly. He rested his fistful on Seunghyun's thigh, and found the contrast between the softness of the fabric and the tightness of Seunghyun's thigh muscles interesting.
"I can't sleep hyung." He stated, and Seunghyun needed no other explanation for his odd behavior.
"Are you worrying about what people have said again?" His voice was deep as usual, but the roughness of sleep made him sound older, more dangerous, more exciting.
Daesung wondered why he thought that way.
He did not say anything, opting instead to shuffle himself down next to Seunghyun messily. Seunghyun was familiar with this, understood what this meant and simply cuddled Daesung lazily. It always soothed Daesung to feel Seunghyun's warmth envelop him, to feel like he belonged to someone.
Daesung breathed in Seunghyun's presence and fell asleep to the melody of Seunghyun's strong heartbeat. He dreamt of darkness, deep tones, sandy winds and tasted fragrant sweet cocoa that made it all feel mystical and nonsensical.
Yet he knew what it meant, it was a good dream.
-----
"Why are you always with Seunghyun-hyung Daedae?" Jiyong had asked one day over breakfast. Daesung was immersed in staring at his bowl of colorful cereal, trying to find lollipops and dinosaurs in the milky mess.
He looked up and answered matter-of-factly. "Being with him makes me happy. I like hanging out with him."
"You mean you're not happy when you're with the rest of us?" Jiyong's tone was lighthearted, but the question felt loaded and heavy, full of traps. Jiyong was a smart person, he knew how to ask the right questions.
But Daesung was not exactly dumb either.
"It's a different kind of happy hyung. With him I can be myself. With you guys, I have to be... Daesung."
"But Daesung is you! And you are Daesung! You're such a silly boy." Jiyong laughed a hearty guffaw.
Daesung wished what he said was true.
"He's in love with Seunghyun-hyung! I bet that's it!" Seungri proclaimed with a mouthful of cereal threatening to explode from his face. Jiyong and Seungri broke out into another roaring round of laughter while sputtering soggy cornflakes at each other and all around.
Seunghyun just smiled into his own bowl of colorful milky mess, ignoring the loud duo. Daesung laughed too, only because he felt he was supposed to. He needed to fit his role. It was what he was needed for. It was all he was needed for.
The nagging seed of the idea of love planted itself discreetly in Daesung's heart, attracting notice from no one.
-----
Daesung was on his bed the first time his world shifted.
The shock hit him harder than he would have ever expected.
He realized Seungri was right.
He loved Seunghyun.
-----
Did normal people fall in love with their friends?
Did normal guys fall in love with their guy friends?
The water rushing from the tap into the sink droned on and on hypnotically as Daesung brushed his teeth harder and harder.
He was a freak that fell in love with his friends. He was dangerous. He would fall in love with someone else in Big Bang if he was not careful.
Determined, he spat out the foam that was slightly pink from his vigorous brushing and gargled his mouth clean.
He was going to keep everyone happy, just like he was supposed to. No one liked a freak who liked them.
-----
Daesung avoided everyone, especially Seunghyun.
He did not want to fall in love with someone he was not supposed to again.
He did not want to disgust anyone.
If he was so careless with Seunghyun once, surely he would be with some other member of Big Bang.
He was just a leech that latched on and loved while the other tried to burn him off. Nobody wants a leech. He did not want to be burnt.
And so the months passed, and he stopped loving. At least he thought he did.
Big Bang was just a job, a group of people who stood on stage with him.
Otherwise they were all targets of Daesung's love. Daesung's forbidden love.
He would not allow any of that.
-----
"Daedae, why have you been so weird for the past few months?" Hot breath curled round his left ear, his heart racing way too fast at the sensation. He had never stopped loving. He had failed.
"Please Seunghyun-hyung. Just let me be."
"But you-"
"I'm having a bad day hyung."
Seunghyun considered this before finally remarking. "More like a bad month. A few bad months."
Daesung worried for a fleeting moment that he might be the first human to have a bad lifetime.
-----
Another photoshoot. Daesung had begun to dread all these. How was he supposed to do all those awkward things photographers seemed to like asking them ("Hold each others' hands!" "Look into each others' eyes!") when he was so afraid of slipping?
So afraid of loving?
The beach they were on reminded him of the time they had fun together while on vacation. The sky was blue, the sea was calm and the sand was white as snow. Daesung enjoyed the feel of that warm snow.
It felt like a lifetime ago since those happy times.
Now the sky was gray and downcast, waves crashed like war and the sand looked a disgusting shade of ash.
The sea rushed towards the shore before pulling itself back quickly. He stared at it sadly, it seemed to want to reach somewhere further on the beach, but had to retreat at the last moment.
Daesung smiled dryly at how similar he was to the sea.
He stood a fair distance away from everyone, as he usually did after the months, and hoped that everything would be done faster. So he could go home and hide in his room, do nothing, be nothing.
A low drumming of thunder could be heard in the distance. This was not a good sign. Daesung looked at the angry clouds and groaned inwardly. Even the weather was not on his side.
He should have known better than to hope. He never really learned.
The spotlights that illuminated the beach for their shoot became brighter and brighter, which only meant the skies were getting darker and darker.
And then, a loud clap and everything went black.
Screams and yells littered the air, mostly from staff members scrambling to keep the equipment dry from the sudden downpour of rain. Daesung tried to walk back to where the rest of the group were, but the sand wet with rain sunk in with his every step, threatening to throw off his balance. He decided he did not want to risk falling into the wet sand and gain attention he did not want. He just stood where he was, let the rain soak him and tried not to shiver in the cold.
It was dark, it was cold, he was wet. That was all he felt for a long time.
What he did not expect was for his world to shift a second time. Not like this at least. Not under these circumstances at least.
Aching familiarity wrapped Daesung in the form of strong arms he thought he has long forgotten. The embrace was soothing, much needed heat flowing through his body like honey and wine. Seunghyun was far too warm and alive for the lifeless and dull Daesung. Daesung wanted to get out of this, before he could not, before he fell too deep.
"Shhh." That voice he fell in love with cooed. "It's all going to be okay."
And against all his will, he gave in. He gave up trying to do the right thing. He placed his arms around Seunghyun's waist cautiously and buried his face in Seunghyun's chest. He cried, shivering, not because of the cold, not because he was sad.
He cried because the hope of someone loving him was far too much to bear.
He indulged in Seunghyun's temperature, taking in his scent like a cocaine addict, feeling his strong back under his palms. He needed Seunghyun so much, to keep his heart beating, to feel alive, and the fact that he could never have him just made Daesung cry harder.
Being in the arms of Seunghyun like this was a recurring dream of Daesung's for the past few months of his colorless life. He decided one more dream could not hurt.
He could dream a dream for the length of a storm, and when he awoke, everything would be washed away and forgotten.
So he did.
-----
Their manager declared the rest of the day free for Big Bang, which was much welcome news to the rest of them.
Not Daesung. He hoped no one would ask him out. He wanted to escape this addictive storm quickly. Run away from Seunghyun quickly.
Stormy dreams ended, but the mirage of Seunghyun did not. He trailed Daesung tightly, never leaving his side for a single moment. Daesung figured this must be the nightmare, the karma for his selfish dreams.
A few taxis had been called by their manager to send them wherever they wished. Jiyong and Youngbae wanted to hit the clubs. Seungri pouted about being left out but finally decided he should visit his friends nearby instead.
Daesung wanted to get away from his life, but no taxi could ever bring him that far.
"Where do you want to go?" The taxi driver nearly barked, grumbling about how wet his seats were getting from the dripping Daesung.
"Anywhere will do. Just drive." Daesung closed his eyes. He needed sleep, a dream to replace this one, to make him forget the goodness of this one.
The taxi door slammed shut as another person got beside Daesung. A husky voice mumbled the address of Big Bang's home and the taxi driver drove, cursing under his breath at not one but two wet people in his backseat.
Daesung's tone was tired and slightly exasperated. "Why are you doing this hyung?"
"Can't I choose to go home as well?"
"You're just doing this to torment me."
Seunghyun kept quiet at that. The silence felt cold. Just like what Daesung thought he deserved.
"I've never expected you to hate me this much Daesung." Seunghyun finally muttered. His hair was wet and droplets of rain trailed down the side of his face, running past his intense gaze on Daesung. Daesung thought he looked depressing.
Looked like he was crying.
Daesung struggled to keep his thoughts in. He would keep everyone happy. If letting Seunghyun think that he hated him was the way to do it, then he would let Seunghyun believe it. It was the only way.
-----
The taxi finally arrived at their apartment and Daesung darted out immediately, leaving Seunghyun behind to pay the fare. He took the stairs two at a time and fumbled dumbly with the keys on his way up.
Getting away from Seunghyun had never felt more urgent. He was about to burst at the seams from the amount of unspoken truths between them.
The key seemed to be made of rubber as he poked it blindly at the keyhole on the door. Why did nothing ever go the way he had hop-
Stop hoping, he reminded himself. Nothing good ever came from it.
A few more useless tries later, Daesung had given up and considered making a run for it. Perhaps Seunghyun might not be able to catch him in time. Perhaps Seunghyun would not chase after him. Perhaps he would not care at all.
Just then, a strong and firm hand gripped Daesung's, guided it, and the door to his freedom was open at last. But he had never felt more trapped, with Seunghyun pressed up against his back, warm hand on his own.
"Tell me what I've done wrong Daesung." Seunghyun's voice cracked slightly. "Tell me so I can change. So you'll stop hating me."
His hot breath sent goosebumps down Daesung's neck, crumbling whatever imaginary barriers he'd set for himself. Why did his voice have to be so persuasive? Why did he have to fall in love with him? Why was life so unfair to him?
The questions boiled into anger and Daesung flung himself away from Seunghyun.
"Why can't you just leave me alone!" Pleading, desperate, furious.
"What have I done to make you hate me so much Daesung?" Vanilla, sugar, cream.
"Are you really that dense?" Daesung's consciousness taken over by adrenaline and something more powerful. "I don't hate you! I'm fucking in love with you!"
Seunghyun's face arranged itself into shock. Daesung thought he could hear the wheels spinning in Seunghyun's head.
"So stop pestering me, I'm just a sick guy who falls in love with his hyungs. Why can't you just let me be?" Daesung fully expected tears to start brimming at his eyes, but his body was far too exhausted to even give him that much. All he wanted was to sleep the world away and never wake up. He did not have a reason to wake up anymore, not after today, not after his hyung knew, not after his hyung hated him.
Daesung waited for Seunghyun's reaction - an angry punch, a disappointed glare, or perhaps the inability to look at Daesung any longer. He waited for those but they never came.
He remembers probably having been hugged before sometime in his life, but the one that he was given by Seunghyun at that moment overwhelmed the memory of them all.
"Please tell me this is not a dream Daesung." Seunghyun's voice was muffled by Daesung's shoulder. "Please tell me this isn't a joke. My heart can't take rejection now."
A strange sunshine ran through his body then, warmth unrelated to Seunghyun's body heat emanating through his system. "I... don't understand... hyung?"
Seunghyun laughed and Daesung felt the merry vibrations against his chest. "Are you really that dense Daesung?" Seunghyun repeated Daesung's accusation.
Daesung closed his eyes and willed himself to wake up. This was another one of his dreams, the ones that are so vivid that he would wake up hurting the next morning.
Somehow, Seunghyun took this instead as a sign to hold Daesung's face and kiss him on the lips, a kiss filled with love, need and shooting stars.
And Daesung never woke up.
-----
"Hey hyung!" A rather drunk and hyper Jiyong stumbled through the front door, a similarly red-faced Youngbae in tow. "Where's Ri!"
"He's not home yet I thi-" Seunghyun could barely finish his sentence before Jiyong cut in.
"You missed the most awesome night ever! The club was really great and there were these girls and it was just wild! ...Did you just lie on the couch watching TV the whole night with Daesung? That's such a waste!"
Seunghyun look at Daesung and grinned. "It's ok, I just had the most awesome night of my life too."
Daesung beamed at that. Not because he needed to fit his role, not because that was what he felt needed for.
But because he finally truly wanted to.
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This took way too long to write because:
1. School sucks.
2. ToDae is seriously difficult to write. I thought I would be able to handle them (considering how much I love the pairing) but I was SO SO WRONG. I fail at ToDae. I shall not attempt to be so much fail again. D:
3. I have a tendency to write sad endings. But I really wanted a happy ending for this one and it gave me hell and a half before I could figure out a semi-decent happy ending.
4. I'm lazy. And tired. D: Refer to point 1.
I'm sorry sunnystarr for dedicating this fic to you. I will dedicate better fics to you next time. D: D; D:
I don't even know whether this whole pretentious piece made any sense, but I really hope it did. D: I spent way too much time trying to twist and turn the story the way I want it but it refuses to cooperate with me. xD I still can't believe I spent 2 weeks on this. O_O; The last few paragraphs has been immensely tiring/painful to write because I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING ANYMORE. D:
Also, I've decided to continue the Baeri fic (because of all the really nice and sweet and fuzzy and supportive comments <3)! I'll probably update it in a week or two, because I'm still kind of stuck with the development of the story. There's too many possibilities and I want to carefully think through each one before choosing. Hopefully I'll make the right choice!
(Also, school sucks. Did I mention that already?)
(And Happy Valentine's everyone! May your year be filled with loads of BB Love! :D)
Author: raid_kun
Pairing: ToDae. Seunghyun/Daesung
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~3400
Summary: Daesung was not the happy person everyone thought he was.
A/N: Dedicated to sunnystarr, who has been more than just an inspiration on more than just one occasion. :D
A/N 2: Loads of angst and sadness! And pretentious vagueness! And maybe a happy ending for once? 8D Most challenging fic I've written thus far, which is not saying a lot considering I've only written two. D:
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The first time Daesung's world shifted, it was not because of something he achieved, not the fact that he managed to secure his place in Big Bang, no. It was something far simpler that made his life that much more complicated. Much too complicated.
-----
All he could remember now were the murky memories of fatigue, stress, pressure, and an overwhelming sense of failure. Happy memories, he'd realized.
"It’s all going to be okay." That deep voice had told him. Him that was curled once again into a ball at the corner of the practice room that made him feel worthless. He looked up at the voice and through his tears, saw that voice's reassuring smile and felt like he could believe this voice.
"How... how do you know? How can you be so sure?" He'd asked.
"Because you’re you. And because you have me. You have us." Bass mixed with rich chocolate, Daesung had never heard a sound that made him feel this way - reassured, trusting, and oh so good in mysterious places.
And then the warmth of that voice's embrace, strong arms that held him as if he was not the worthless person he thought he was. Arms that made him feel like he mattered to someone. Arms that made him feel like he could be someone.
So he cried, not because he felt like a failure, not because he felt like giving up. He cried because the hope of someone caring for him was far too much to bear.
When did he get so afraid of being happy?
-----
Daesung was a happy person. Everyone thought so. The smiles that made his eyes disappear, the laughs that conquered the room, all Daesung was made for was to be joy, spread joy.
So everyone thought so.
Only one voice knew, knew it was not what it seemed. Daesung was not a truly happy person, not all the time, not most of the time. Only the voice of Seunghyun's saw his tears of despair in the dark, only his arms felt the desperation and the rapidly cooling passion of Daesung's as the days went by. Seunghyun hoped that by keeping Daesung in his arms tight enough, he could help keep his fire for life burning.
Seunghyun believed that was why he held Daesung so firmly.
-----
Someday, Daesung had fallen into the evils of being truly happy. It did not happen too often, but when it did it was always with the person who saw his saddest moments. The owner of the deep chocolate voice, Seunghyun.
Seunghyun's smiles made him feel like a child, like there was someone who would protect him no matter what. Being with Seunghyun made him feel like he did not have to achieve anything, did not have to meet any standards. He liked the illusion of that.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Seunghyun asked as he averted his face away, pretending to be shy.
"Because looking at you makes me happy hyung."
Because looking at his only hope of survival made him happy.
-----
Daesung stared at his dark surroundings as he tossed on his bed. Words from people that hurt and angered him echoed in the room. He felt confused, why didn’t these feelings go away like the days did? He thought it would, but as months passed and seasons changed, he began to see how naive he had been.
Hope and happiness, the two things that will make you sad. Hoping for happiness always ends in disappointment.
He got up and off his bed in one swift moment, hoping to swing away the nagging thoughts that drifted idly around him. He padded slowly to the door, clutched the cool knob and stepped out of his room, closer to the hope of a better night.
Hope. Poisonous addictive hope. When would he ever learn?
As he did the same on Seunghyun's door, though much more slowly and quietly, his heart started rumbling in a comfortable heat. Seunghyun's room as always, smelled faintly of the wood and spice of his cologne, mingling with the smell of fresh clothes and sheets. The other man's steady breaths made him feel strange - anxious yet familiar. He could never place a name on that strange buzz that he felt whenever he saw Seunghyun.
Anxious yet familiar. He wondered what that feeling was.
The door closed behind Daesung as silently as his approach. He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to not wake his sleeping hope. The cool air in the room became evident to Daesung as his cheeks heated up considerably. He thought it must be the happiness, the glow of cheer that made him feel so warm. So pleasant.
The way Seunghyun's hair splayed lightly over his closed eyes was familiar. The way his lips parted slightly was familiar. The way he tucked his arms under his pillow was familiar. Yet Daesung never really grew tired of the sight of his hope, feeling an odd sense of excitement and glee every single time he laid eyes on the man.
Said man was a light sleeper too, seemingly woken up by the sound of Daesung's bright aura.
"Mmm, you are weird Daedae." Seunghyun grumbled into his pillow, low, tired, resignated. "Who stares at people when they're sleeping?"
Daesung did not say anything, merely grinned and held onto a ball of Seunghyun's sweatpants lightly. He rested his fistful on Seunghyun's thigh, and found the contrast between the softness of the fabric and the tightness of Seunghyun's thigh muscles interesting.
"I can't sleep hyung." He stated, and Seunghyun needed no other explanation for his odd behavior.
"Are you worrying about what people have said again?" His voice was deep as usual, but the roughness of sleep made him sound older, more dangerous, more exciting.
Daesung wondered why he thought that way.
He did not say anything, opting instead to shuffle himself down next to Seunghyun messily. Seunghyun was familiar with this, understood what this meant and simply cuddled Daesung lazily. It always soothed Daesung to feel Seunghyun's warmth envelop him, to feel like he belonged to someone.
Daesung breathed in Seunghyun's presence and fell asleep to the melody of Seunghyun's strong heartbeat. He dreamt of darkness, deep tones, sandy winds and tasted fragrant sweet cocoa that made it all feel mystical and nonsensical.
Yet he knew what it meant, it was a good dream.
-----
"Why are you always with Seunghyun-hyung Daedae?" Jiyong had asked one day over breakfast. Daesung was immersed in staring at his bowl of colorful cereal, trying to find lollipops and dinosaurs in the milky mess.
He looked up and answered matter-of-factly. "Being with him makes me happy. I like hanging out with him."
"You mean you're not happy when you're with the rest of us?" Jiyong's tone was lighthearted, but the question felt loaded and heavy, full of traps. Jiyong was a smart person, he knew how to ask the right questions.
But Daesung was not exactly dumb either.
"It's a different kind of happy hyung. With him I can be myself. With you guys, I have to be... Daesung."
"But Daesung is you! And you are Daesung! You're such a silly boy." Jiyong laughed a hearty guffaw.
Daesung wished what he said was true.
"He's in love with Seunghyun-hyung! I bet that's it!" Seungri proclaimed with a mouthful of cereal threatening to explode from his face. Jiyong and Seungri broke out into another roaring round of laughter while sputtering soggy cornflakes at each other and all around.
Seunghyun just smiled into his own bowl of colorful milky mess, ignoring the loud duo. Daesung laughed too, only because he felt he was supposed to. He needed to fit his role. It was what he was needed for. It was all he was needed for.
The nagging seed of the idea of love planted itself discreetly in Daesung's heart, attracting notice from no one.
-----
Daesung was on his bed the first time his world shifted.
The shock hit him harder than he would have ever expected.
He realized Seungri was right.
He loved Seunghyun.
-----
Did normal people fall in love with their friends?
Did normal guys fall in love with their guy friends?
The water rushing from the tap into the sink droned on and on hypnotically as Daesung brushed his teeth harder and harder.
He was a freak that fell in love with his friends. He was dangerous. He would fall in love with someone else in Big Bang if he was not careful.
Determined, he spat out the foam that was slightly pink from his vigorous brushing and gargled his mouth clean.
He was going to keep everyone happy, just like he was supposed to. No one liked a freak who liked them.
-----
Daesung avoided everyone, especially Seunghyun.
He did not want to fall in love with someone he was not supposed to again.
He did not want to disgust anyone.
If he was so careless with Seunghyun once, surely he would be with some other member of Big Bang.
He was just a leech that latched on and loved while the other tried to burn him off. Nobody wants a leech. He did not want to be burnt.
And so the months passed, and he stopped loving. At least he thought he did.
Big Bang was just a job, a group of people who stood on stage with him.
Otherwise they were all targets of Daesung's love. Daesung's forbidden love.
He would not allow any of that.
-----
"Daedae, why have you been so weird for the past few months?" Hot breath curled round his left ear, his heart racing way too fast at the sensation. He had never stopped loving. He had failed.
"Please Seunghyun-hyung. Just let me be."
"But you-"
"I'm having a bad day hyung."
Seunghyun considered this before finally remarking. "More like a bad month. A few bad months."
Daesung worried for a fleeting moment that he might be the first human to have a bad lifetime.
-----
Another photoshoot. Daesung had begun to dread all these. How was he supposed to do all those awkward things photographers seemed to like asking them ("Hold each others' hands!" "Look into each others' eyes!") when he was so afraid of slipping?
So afraid of loving?
The beach they were on reminded him of the time they had fun together while on vacation. The sky was blue, the sea was calm and the sand was white as snow. Daesung enjoyed the feel of that warm snow.
It felt like a lifetime ago since those happy times.
Now the sky was gray and downcast, waves crashed like war and the sand looked a disgusting shade of ash.
The sea rushed towards the shore before pulling itself back quickly. He stared at it sadly, it seemed to want to reach somewhere further on the beach, but had to retreat at the last moment.
Daesung smiled dryly at how similar he was to the sea.
He stood a fair distance away from everyone, as he usually did after the months, and hoped that everything would be done faster. So he could go home and hide in his room, do nothing, be nothing.
A low drumming of thunder could be heard in the distance. This was not a good sign. Daesung looked at the angry clouds and groaned inwardly. Even the weather was not on his side.
He should have known better than to hope. He never really learned.
The spotlights that illuminated the beach for their shoot became brighter and brighter, which only meant the skies were getting darker and darker.
And then, a loud clap and everything went black.
Screams and yells littered the air, mostly from staff members scrambling to keep the equipment dry from the sudden downpour of rain. Daesung tried to walk back to where the rest of the group were, but the sand wet with rain sunk in with his every step, threatening to throw off his balance. He decided he did not want to risk falling into the wet sand and gain attention he did not want. He just stood where he was, let the rain soak him and tried not to shiver in the cold.
It was dark, it was cold, he was wet. That was all he felt for a long time.
What he did not expect was for his world to shift a second time. Not like this at least. Not under these circumstances at least.
Aching familiarity wrapped Daesung in the form of strong arms he thought he has long forgotten. The embrace was soothing, much needed heat flowing through his body like honey and wine. Seunghyun was far too warm and alive for the lifeless and dull Daesung. Daesung wanted to get out of this, before he could not, before he fell too deep.
"Shhh." That voice he fell in love with cooed. "It's all going to be okay."
And against all his will, he gave in. He gave up trying to do the right thing. He placed his arms around Seunghyun's waist cautiously and buried his face in Seunghyun's chest. He cried, shivering, not because of the cold, not because he was sad.
He cried because the hope of someone loving him was far too much to bear.
He indulged in Seunghyun's temperature, taking in his scent like a cocaine addict, feeling his strong back under his palms. He needed Seunghyun so much, to keep his heart beating, to feel alive, and the fact that he could never have him just made Daesung cry harder.
Being in the arms of Seunghyun like this was a recurring dream of Daesung's for the past few months of his colorless life. He decided one more dream could not hurt.
He could dream a dream for the length of a storm, and when he awoke, everything would be washed away and forgotten.
So he did.
-----
Their manager declared the rest of the day free for Big Bang, which was much welcome news to the rest of them.
Not Daesung. He hoped no one would ask him out. He wanted to escape this addictive storm quickly. Run away from Seunghyun quickly.
Stormy dreams ended, but the mirage of Seunghyun did not. He trailed Daesung tightly, never leaving his side for a single moment. Daesung figured this must be the nightmare, the karma for his selfish dreams.
A few taxis had been called by their manager to send them wherever they wished. Jiyong and Youngbae wanted to hit the clubs. Seungri pouted about being left out but finally decided he should visit his friends nearby instead.
Daesung wanted to get away from his life, but no taxi could ever bring him that far.
"Where do you want to go?" The taxi driver nearly barked, grumbling about how wet his seats were getting from the dripping Daesung.
"Anywhere will do. Just drive." Daesung closed his eyes. He needed sleep, a dream to replace this one, to make him forget the goodness of this one.
The taxi door slammed shut as another person got beside Daesung. A husky voice mumbled the address of Big Bang's home and the taxi driver drove, cursing under his breath at not one but two wet people in his backseat.
Daesung's tone was tired and slightly exasperated. "Why are you doing this hyung?"
"Can't I choose to go home as well?"
"You're just doing this to torment me."
Seunghyun kept quiet at that. The silence felt cold. Just like what Daesung thought he deserved.
"I've never expected you to hate me this much Daesung." Seunghyun finally muttered. His hair was wet and droplets of rain trailed down the side of his face, running past his intense gaze on Daesung. Daesung thought he looked depressing.
Looked like he was crying.
Daesung struggled to keep his thoughts in. He would keep everyone happy. If letting Seunghyun think that he hated him was the way to do it, then he would let Seunghyun believe it. It was the only way.
-----
The taxi finally arrived at their apartment and Daesung darted out immediately, leaving Seunghyun behind to pay the fare. He took the stairs two at a time and fumbled dumbly with the keys on his way up.
Getting away from Seunghyun had never felt more urgent. He was about to burst at the seams from the amount of unspoken truths between them.
The key seemed to be made of rubber as he poked it blindly at the keyhole on the door. Why did nothing ever go the way he had hop-
Stop hoping, he reminded himself. Nothing good ever came from it.
A few more useless tries later, Daesung had given up and considered making a run for it. Perhaps Seunghyun might not be able to catch him in time. Perhaps Seunghyun would not chase after him. Perhaps he would not care at all.
Just then, a strong and firm hand gripped Daesung's, guided it, and the door to his freedom was open at last. But he had never felt more trapped, with Seunghyun pressed up against his back, warm hand on his own.
"Tell me what I've done wrong Daesung." Seunghyun's voice cracked slightly. "Tell me so I can change. So you'll stop hating me."
His hot breath sent goosebumps down Daesung's neck, crumbling whatever imaginary barriers he'd set for himself. Why did his voice have to be so persuasive? Why did he have to fall in love with him? Why was life so unfair to him?
The questions boiled into anger and Daesung flung himself away from Seunghyun.
"Why can't you just leave me alone!" Pleading, desperate, furious.
"What have I done to make you hate me so much Daesung?" Vanilla, sugar, cream.
"Are you really that dense?" Daesung's consciousness taken over by adrenaline and something more powerful. "I don't hate you! I'm fucking in love with you!"
Seunghyun's face arranged itself into shock. Daesung thought he could hear the wheels spinning in Seunghyun's head.
"So stop pestering me, I'm just a sick guy who falls in love with his hyungs. Why can't you just let me be?" Daesung fully expected tears to start brimming at his eyes, but his body was far too exhausted to even give him that much. All he wanted was to sleep the world away and never wake up. He did not have a reason to wake up anymore, not after today, not after his hyung knew, not after his hyung hated him.
Daesung waited for Seunghyun's reaction - an angry punch, a disappointed glare, or perhaps the inability to look at Daesung any longer. He waited for those but they never came.
He remembers probably having been hugged before sometime in his life, but the one that he was given by Seunghyun at that moment overwhelmed the memory of them all.
"Please tell me this is not a dream Daesung." Seunghyun's voice was muffled by Daesung's shoulder. "Please tell me this isn't a joke. My heart can't take rejection now."
A strange sunshine ran through his body then, warmth unrelated to Seunghyun's body heat emanating through his system. "I... don't understand... hyung?"
Seunghyun laughed and Daesung felt the merry vibrations against his chest. "Are you really that dense Daesung?" Seunghyun repeated Daesung's accusation.
Daesung closed his eyes and willed himself to wake up. This was another one of his dreams, the ones that are so vivid that he would wake up hurting the next morning.
Somehow, Seunghyun took this instead as a sign to hold Daesung's face and kiss him on the lips, a kiss filled with love, need and shooting stars.
And Daesung never woke up.
-----
"Hey hyung!" A rather drunk and hyper Jiyong stumbled through the front door, a similarly red-faced Youngbae in tow. "Where's Ri!"
"He's not home yet I thi-" Seunghyun could barely finish his sentence before Jiyong cut in.
"You missed the most awesome night ever! The club was really great and there were these girls and it was just wild! ...Did you just lie on the couch watching TV the whole night with Daesung? That's such a waste!"
Seunghyun look at Daesung and grinned. "It's ok, I just had the most awesome night of my life too."
Daesung beamed at that. Not because he needed to fit his role, not because that was what he felt needed for.
But because he finally truly wanted to.
-------------------------------------------
This took way too long to write because:
1. School sucks.
2. ToDae is seriously difficult to write. I thought I would be able to handle them (considering how much I love the pairing) but I was SO SO WRONG. I fail at ToDae. I shall not attempt to be so much fail again. D:
3. I have a tendency to write sad endings. But I really wanted a happy ending for this one and it gave me hell and a half before I could figure out a semi-decent happy ending.
4. I'm lazy. And tired. D: Refer to point 1.
I'm sorry sunnystarr for dedicating this fic to you. I will dedicate better fics to you next time. D: D; D:
I don't even know whether this whole pretentious piece made any sense, but I really hope it did. D: I spent way too much time trying to twist and turn the story the way I want it but it refuses to cooperate with me. xD I still can't believe I spent 2 weeks on this. O_O; The last few paragraphs has been immensely tiring/painful to write because I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING ANYMORE. D:
Also, I've decided to continue the Baeri fic (because of all the really nice and sweet and fuzzy and supportive comments <3)! I'll probably update it in a week or two, because I'm still kind of stuck with the development of the story. There's too many possibilities and I want to carefully think through each one before choosing. Hopefully I'll make the right choice!
(Also, school sucks. Did I mention that already?)
(And Happy Valentine's everyone! May your year be filled with loads of BB Love! :D)