(no subject)
Nothing can make this Christmas good. No gift. It is nothing material. It's the fact that I'm in Mobile for Christmas. I have almost no friends...I think my dad is back in the hospital, and I'm sure it's for the same reason as last time. I can't handle it. I'm home alone for the weekend at that, no one felt it was necessary to spend Christmas weekend with me. I don't know about me anymore, I really don't. I spend too much time pretending to be happy, too much time avoiding the inevitable. I've been fighting depression for what...5 or 6 years? It doesn't go away, no matter how much I try to cover it up. No matter how happy I think I am, it all fades away. The few people I have loved, I push away because I do not want to drag them down with me. The other people I feel that I connect to, have nothing to do with me unless it is convenient for them. I can't take it...
I think the fact that I'm not with either one of my parents this Christmas really bothers me. This is the 2nd year in a row I did not see my dad on Christmas day. It is fucking pathetic. All I do is try to show him I care about him, but he does this shit to me.
I have no one to talk to here. The people that care about me are in Houston...and they're busy. or gone. Or I'm too stupid to tell them how I really feel.
I've dug too much of a hole...my past haunts me.
I think the fact that I'm not with either one of my parents this Christmas really bothers me. This is the 2nd year in a row I did not see my dad on Christmas day. It is fucking pathetic. All I do is try to show him I care about him, but he does this shit to me.
I have no one to talk to here. The people that care about me are in Houston...and they're busy. or gone. Or I'm too stupid to tell them how I really feel.
I've dug too much of a hole...my past haunts me.