Love is harder than crime (1/3)
Title: Love Is Harder Than Crime
Author: ragelikeafire and punky_96
Pairing: Emily Charlton/Lucy Diamond
Characters DWP: Emily, Miranda, and Nigel
Characters D.E.B.S: Lucy, Janet, Max, Mr. Phipps, Ms. Petrie, Dominique and Scud
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Summary: Emily struggles with her heart and her mind in order to save Miranda from the clutches of the evil Lucy Diamond.
Disclaimer: on our LJ/DW pages
Click here for the IMDB entry for D.E.B.S
Prompts: (35.) Miranda/Emily. (unrequited) Emily can't understand why Miranda didn't love her like she loved Miranda. (53). Emily as a DEB (54). Lucy Diamond wants to take over Runway, Emily stops her but they fall in love
A/N: Rage: Remind me again why I have helicopter lessons, a copy of Espionage for Dummies and a diamond encrusted gas mask on my credit card bill?
A/N: Punk: Were you doing some online shopping that you don’t remember at 5am in a hotel room, young lady?
A/N: Rage: That was one time! One time! Are you ever going to let me forget it? Hang on, could this have been for the research we did on our entry in the DWP Ficfest extravaganza?
A/N: Punk: Wot entry!?! After I signed up for ficfest I don’t remember anything! I woke up later in a chat room with you and a new LJ name “sparkle_mctrashy_lovetown.” We wrote a fic together?!?
A/N: Rage: Well how else would you explain the nonsense below the lj-cut? The plotless cracklayered entry screams “I am the fucked up love child of the artists formally known as The Rage and Punkmeister. Also, I can see no other explanation as to why I have “birgit_mc_dump_meister hearts sparkle_mctrashy_lovetown.” tattooed on my arse cheek!?!
A/N: sparkle_mctrashy_lovetown (formerly known as punkmeister): You know after reading the nonsense I wonder just what we were on? Sparkle Love seems so contrary to the nonsense behind the cut!
A/N: Birgit_mc_dump_meister (formerly known as The Rage): Well I guess all that’s left to say is. We hope you enjoy this crossover fic as much as we enjoyed writing it! Comments are like bacon… Mmmm bacon!
Love Is Harder Than Crime
Part one
The early New York morning was brisk as Emily trudged up from the subway and grumbled through her daily checklist: secure the perimeter, coordinate with Roy and Janet on target arrival and readiness, prepare the magazines and water for said target-regulated at precisely 72 degrees Fahrenheit.
‘Oh, sure. They said you’ll get to be in fashion. You love to draw.’ Emily scrunched up her face in disgust. She had wanted to go to art school in Barcelona not spin her wheels guarding Miranda *eye roll* Priestly. ‘Top of my class! Graduated with honors! And for what? Any assignment I want, and I get lumped this holy hell.’
Emily checked her wrist GPS locator for Miranda’s current position and estimated her time of arrival, before continuing her rant. ‘The closest I’ve been to a sketch pad in the last two years is the blasted stationary order. And to top it off…’ Emily held her hand up to her mouth, physically grappling with the emotions that she regularly fought to keep inside. ‘I’ve fallen head over Jimmy Choos’ in lust with Miranda.’ Unable to keep the tears in any longer Emily double checked Miranda’s current co-ordinates and clacked to the bathroom for a private moment and some tissues.
“Emily? Have you seen my gun?” Janet asked as she wandered into the bathroom, completely oblivious to the fact that Emily was ‘having a moment.’ “I had it yesterday, but now I can’t seem to find it.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake, Janet!” Emily snapped. “This is not the Girl Scouts, this is bloody espionage! Miranda is going to be here any moment! What are you doing?”
Janet had only been on assignment for three-weeks. She was the latest in a string of incompetent undercover agents, who had been unable to adapt their years of government training to handle Miranda’s regime.
Taking a controlling deep breath, Emily adopted her practised British scowl and turned on her sickeningly-sweet former housemate. “Miranda’s coffee in seven.” The seconds ticked by like hours as Janet just stared at her cluelessly with her puppy dog eyes. “Move!” Emily barked stamping her Manolo heel and throwing in her trademark snap-and-point to emphasize the urgency.
“Oooh. Yes. Emily.” Janet squealed and rushed out the door as best she could in her four inch heels.
Emily checked her GPS once more, feeling her stomach drop as she saw the approach window closing. “I love my job.” She uttered under her breath and rubbed her manicured fingertips up and down the center of her forehead, in a desperate effort to release the tension. “I love my job.” She chanted once more as the elevator dinged out.
Miranda Priestly emerged through the doors, like a phoenix from the ashes; a true vision. Sliding her jacket from her shoulders, she stalked toward Emily.
‘Oh for the love of god! She is wearing THAT Bill Blass shirt.’ Emily thought trying to remember how to breathe.
The sunglasses were pulled from her face to reveal, dangerous sapphire eyes and as Miranda breezed towards the outer office, Emily began to salivate. 'The walking, oh, sweet baby Jesus, the walking! Those swaying hips, those heavenly calves and those heels!
“I love my…” Emily muttered, before realizing that she had almost said ‘boss.’ Temporarily losing control of her mind and limbs, Emily tripped forward in her Manolos causing enough of a racket for Miranda to look back at her. The glare was long and slow, trailing over every inch of Emily’s haute couture. It had been a while since Miranda had actually seen her; Miranda had a tendency to just talk in her general direction. Today, Emily felt well and truly ‘seen.'
Without missing a beat Miranda turned on her heels and began to rattle off the morning tirade of demands. Emily followed closely behind like a lovesick teenager as Miranda continued on oblivious to the magnitude of her gravitational pull. Miranda was the sun and Emily-just another planet forced to orbit in her universe.
~~~~~~~
Typing in the password Scud rolled his eyes. ‘Blahnik? Seriously? What kind of notorious criminal mastermind has that for a password?’
They had recently relocated to the new Headquarters and as evil criminal lairs went this was hella-cool; only the best for Lucy Diamond, but hiding right in the middle of downtown New York under the guise of the failing newspaper offices of The Mirror was too much even for him.
He had been loyal to Lucy for all of these years but ever since her break up with Sparkle, their dynamic just hadn’t been the same. Scud had told her that she needed a break, hinting at a sunshine cruise. Instead she had decided that she needed some kind of tragic-eunuch-style retreat away from anything that resembled civilisation. The problem was she had come back even more pissed with the universe than before she left. After seeing that Runway issue with Sparkle TrainWreck’s Cartier Diamond spread in the airport lounge, Lucy was ready to sink Australia once again.
So far it had taken Chinese takeout, a brutal game of Battleship, and finally a promise to set up the Playstation for Singstar to get her away from destroying Australia all over again.
The break up was three years ago, but apparently putting herself on ice in Reykjavik or Antarctica or wherever wasn’t enough. Just seeing THAT GIRL in the magazine set her off like bottled lightning. Scud knew her better than she knew herself and with this knowledge came the power to defuse her. Tentatively he confiscated her set of keys for the continent-destroyer-machine and went to get the Playstation console.
“I’ve got it.” Lucy shouted as Scud dragged in the heavy game console and all the components of the game. He waited for the idea as he moved towards the entertainment center. ‘This can’t be good!’ He cringed. She was obviously cycling through every emotion on the rainbow, but seriously this had to stop soon.
“Runway.” Lucy announced.
Plugging the cords and leads into various slots and connecting them, Scud took a few moments to absorb the word. ‘Runway. Airplanes? No. Fashion runways? No. Runway magazine?’ “Excuse me? What?” He said as he hit power and turned incredulous eyes on her.
“Runway.” Lucy’s eyes lit up as she watched the Sony logo wave across the screen behind him. “Ooooh. I want to go first, put in the Rock Ballads disc!”
Hoping that Lucy was well and truly distracted from schemes for the time being he let the conversation die in favor of Singstar. He had really grown to like it when he was waiting and waiting and waiting, in a covert location. It beat bingo hands down!
As much as he did not want Lucy to try and sink Australia again-he really and truly hoped from the bottom of his heart that he had misunderstood her.
‘She couldn’t possibly mean that they would take over Runway Magazine? The same Runway magazine featuring Birgit McDumpMeister in the Cartier Spread? The same magazine that was controlled by the editrix who could freeze a man’s balls with a simple look? The same magazine that his dear uncle Nigel from Rhode Island who was ‘that’ way worked at. No. Lucy Diamond could not possibly mean that she wanted to take over Runway Magazine. Could she?’ Scud shook off the thoughts running rampant through his brain like a startled herd of elephants and focused on Sing Star. Lucy’s rendition of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ was coming to an end and it was his turn to kick her ass!
Lucy’s score popped up on the screen. Scud snatched the microphone from her hands. “Rising Star...?” He scoffed. “Watch this!” He exclaimed as he launched into his song.
“I hear the ticking of the clock,
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark,
I wonder where you are tonight,
No answer on the telephone,
And the night goes by so very slow,
Oh I hope that it won't end though,
Alone...”
He poured his heart and soul into it, watching the points mount up-if for no other purpose than to drown the cacophony of sound that his thoughts had become in the last five minutes. When his superior score of Sing Star popped up on the screen, he jumped up onto the couch and nearly spiked the microphone to the floor. “I am the God of Singstar!” He proclaimed. Lucy tried to wrestle the microphone from his hands and they collapsed in a giggling, heap on the couch.
Finally regaining some control and breathing somewhat regularly Lucy fixed her dark eyes on Scud. “Tomorrow we begin to plan. But now I challenge you to a duet battle!”
As the intro to Starship’s ‘Nothing’s gonna stop us now’ blasted from the speakers, Scud shut his eyes and well and truly hoped that tomorrow was another day-another day in which he could work his magic and deflate her evil schemes to do things that really weren’t her style to do. Sure, she was a criminal mastermind. Sure, she employed a vast network of loyal mercenaries capable of anything. Sure, her reputation preceded her as a ruthless, cold blooded killer who had never left an opponent standing. In reality though, she was just a girl with Daddy issues and a broken heart, who wanted to kick the world in the shins. Scud hoped that she would heal soon so they could get back to stealing diamonds and art heists. ‘What could she possibly get from taking over Runway? Unless she meant to really take it over as in buy it out and oust the Dragonlady?’ Scud shivered at the thought. Tomorrow he was really going to have to work triple time to stay ahead of Lucy’s heart and schemes.
For now?
He was the God of Singstar and he knew she was just asking for another ass kicking.
~~~~~~~
“Where is Serena? She needs new accessories for the next Birgit Sparkle shoot up here in ten. Did Patrick confirm Belize for Thursday? See what you can do about NASA rejecting our request to shoot on the moon. It’s public domain. I mean really. Does the government have a monopoly on all open space? Is it like they have a toll road in the sky? Tell Hillary and Palin that we won’t be using them for that ‘ends of the spectrum’ piece we are doing about the fashion of female politicians. I want Poehler and Fey in their SNL personas to do the shoot instead, much more attractive. That cover will sell out so fast that Irv will be eating out of my hand. Have Emily Two contact that Meyer Vampire woman to send an advanced copy of her new book. I want the supplies for the twins’ birthday event this weekend at the townhouse by lunchtime. Then send her to Calvin Klein. Oh and Emily, see that my Starbucks arrives before the next millennium. That’s all.”
Miranda spoke more, explained more, which made life easier for Emily. It had been a subtle change in her second year that Emily had silently made note of. She figured that being the only assistant to ever have made it all the way past the year mark and choosing to stay meant Miranda must be rewarding her in some small way. In her heart of hearts she hoped that Miranda had noticed her and that this was truly some kind of preferential treatment, but when it never went farther than a short conversation here and there, she found it hard to hold on to hope. Coming to terms with the fact that Miranda just really didn’t see her, was harder than she thought it would be.
The extra explaining only happened when Emily was alone with Miranda and only when she was giving her orders. When she switched into orders for Janet or the previous girls, then she gave her typically cryptic orders like just now when she said that Emily should send Janet to Calvin Klein for no express purpose than to see her go. If Emily could really believe it was just a cruel joke to send Janet somewhere in a tizzy, she might be able to enjoy it a little bit, but as it was she just was left feeling forlorn. Fact: Miranda was talking to her, treating her differently, but she did not see her. Miranda only had eyes for Runway.
Emily turned out of her office and almost walked through Mr. Phipps’ hologram. “Oh, hello. Mr. P.” She greeted him distractedly.
“Don’t call me that!” Mr. Phipps growled.
“Mr. P was just telling me that…” Janet started.
“Don’t call me that!” He insisted, growling again.
“So, Mr. P was just telling me that a highly dangerous criminal is back in town.” Janet continued as she was given a defeated eye-roll by Mr. Phipps. Emily joined him in the eye roll; she could really do without Little Miss Sunshine this morning.
“As I was saying.” Mr Phipps spoke regaining control of the briefing. “Intel has confirmed that Lucy Diamond is back in town. Her lead man, Scud, has been seen at local fashion shows and even talking to designers in town. We’re not sure what they are up to, but it is certain that Diamond is on the move.” Emily glared at Janet upon hearing her shocked gasp. “Once we receive confirmation on her plans you will be informed. Remember, safety first, D.E.B.S.”
Mr. Phipps dematerialized just as Miranda called out from her office, “Em-ill-eee.”
“Calvin Klein. Coffee. I’ll text you the rest. Go!” Emily ordered with a forceful whisper.
“Wait. Didn’t you write your thesis on her?” Janet quizzed.
Emily nodded with a grim face. She was concerned about the fashion aspect of the new information. She knew that they were there to protect and guard Miranda, but never in a million years did she expect to be guarding Miranda from the likes of Lucy Diamond.
“Em-ill-eee.”
“Shit!” Emily said under her breath. “Go!?!” Emily snap pointed so that Janet would get the hell out of there before the impossible list was doubled or tripled and she turned to face Miranda.
***
Janet heard the buzz of her phone as it vibrated in her thigh holster. It wasn’t the most fashionable perhaps, but it was the easiest way to keep her phone on her person while having to stay in the ridiculous fashion requirements of her new assignment guarding Miranda Priestly and therefore working at Runway. Janet had only been on the job for three weeks, but now she understood why Emily was always on such a tear when she saw her. This high level of stress had nothing to do with their D.E.B. training and attached possible danger. Instead this stress she could tell was from the constant push and pull of the storm of working for Miranda.
In the two years since End Game Janet had moved into the apartment down the hall from her former housemate and watched her change under the reign of Miranda Priestly. Janet for her part had been able to score various short term assignments that allowed her some travel and more importantly freedom and flexibility. It had taken Janet three weeks of fashion pop quizzes and bizarre errand tests before Emily would even let her apply for the position at Runway. Janet shook her head at the various thoughts about her fellow D.E.B. as she pulled out her beeping phone.
It was a long email message:
“Lucy Diamond is the most dangerous criminal mastermind around. She inherited the keys to her family’s crime syndicate when they were all killed in a battle with the Schaffer’s. Three years ago she disappeared. No one has ever faced her and lived to tell about it. Mr. P just emailed the update from Intel. She was photographed leaving the Blue Iguana last night with French Fashion minx Jacqueline Follet. It was unclear what her intentions and future plans were as the team couldn’t get close without compromising their cover. There were pictures all over Perez this morning. The rumors are outrageous! There are no known previous connections between Jacqueline and Lucy, but we are to be prepared for anything!”
Janet scanned through the email on her Blackberry™ taking a mental note of all the important points but before she could reply the car pulled up at Calvin Klein. It was a total mystery why she had been sent here, but Janet was so thrilled to not have to be in the office with Miranda, that she didn’t care about her motives. It was better for everyone that Janet was the one sent out into the world that way Emily and Miranda could fight through the fashion. Plus, she enjoyed visiting CK as she always got to have a good gossip with the second assistant. Frankly, she was just thankful for conversations that contained full sentences instead of cryptic clues; some days it was like being back in her Cipher and Subterfuge class in the academy! With her smile restored, Janet happily took the proffered package and headed back to Elias Clark.
“You didn’t answer my question. You wrote your thesis about her, right?” She typed out on the tiny keyboard.
“Yes. I can’t believe my assignment here would ever connect to Diamond.”
“Did Mr. P say why they think she’s back? I mean, what is she doing with Jacqueline?”
“I have no idea. She’s into art and diamonds not French fashion mags. I do know that Miranda and Jacqueline hate each other- that can’t be a coincidence!”
“Maybe she’s her friend or a friend of the family?”
Emily hit speed dial two on her keypad, she had little patience at the best of times but SMS conversations with Janet were just excruciating. “Wot?” She sniped into the receiver.
“Well, you know. Maybe Jacqueline Follet is a friend, or was a friend, to the Diamond family. Maybe Lucy just missed her friends where she was?”
Emily rolled her eyes so hard that Janet could hear her eyes twisting up in their sockets. “Starbucks.” Emily said in her pinched Runway voice. Janet cringed at the click in her ear. ‘Well, that went well.’ She thought as she gave the driver the new directions.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Why can’t I rappel down from the roof, Scud?” Lucy sighed and asked one more time as they sat in the car at the curb outside of Elias-Clark. “Seriously, if you’re going to have a helicopter on the roof… Why don’t you just let me approach from the top down?”
Scud shook his head in disbelief and patted Lucy’s hand with his own. “Because. If I land the helicopter on the roof someone is going to notice. When someone notices then that means the police, Feds or even the D.E.B.s will notice. Miranda Priestly is a high visibility target. There won’t be enough time for you to climb down, accomplish your mission and make it back to the roof in time.”
Lucy stared at him for many long moments. Now that they were finally here, she had a sliver of doubt. She wondered if he’d believe her that she felt sick to her stomach. His gaze did not waver from hers and with a nod she opened the car door.
With a screech of the tires, Scud pulled away without a look back. He somehow had to get to the helicopter and make it back to Elias Clark to allow Lucy to escape with the target.
Thankful now for her training with the sled dogs in Reykjavik, Lucy laboriously scaled the side of the Elias Clark building with her trusty suction cups. ‘Maybe I should have gone with Scud’s idea and just taken over Elias Clark?’ Lucy thought, as she paused for breath somewhere between the 17th and 18th floors. Blowing her bangs out of her face she contemplated her options. ‘The Runway floor is only one below the Elias Clark Executive floor and if I’m going to climb this far…’ Lucy rolled her eyes at herself and her predicament. She had no need to take over all of Elias Clark. She barely had a reason to disrupt Runway Magazine, but she wanted to punish Sparkle McTrashy in any way she could and if it would help Auntie Jacqueline out in the slightest, then that was as good a reason as any! Vaguely Lucy wondered what kind of woman could possibly make her Aunt THAT angry and sad at the same time. She hadn’t delved into their history. Clearly whatever had happened between them-it was painful and it had left Auntie Jacqui with nothing but feelings of bitterness and hatred.
The sat-nav console vibrated violently against her utility belt to signify the arrival at her location, simultaneously sending some very pleasant shockwaves through her lady parts. Lucy smiled briefly and then shook her head in exasperation. “Get your head in the game, Luce!” She scolded aloud. Retrieving the glass-cutting-laserpen from her breast pocket Lucy began her stealthy entrance to Miranda Priestly’s office.
Unnoticed, Lucy watched Miranda from the other side of the glass as she poured feverishly over piles of glossy photos. Lucy paused, wondering if any of those images could contain the deceitful face of Slutty McWhore. Lost in vengeful thoughts she didn’t notice that Miranda had turned in her seat and was now looking directly at her. “SHIT!” Lucy jumped.
Taking full advantage of the ‘WHAT THE FUCK!?!’ look on Miranda’s face and making quick work of the triple glazed glass. Lucy bounded through the window with the grace of a Russian gymnast. “Freeze!” She ordered as Miranda stood from her chair.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Miranda snorted as her eyes poured over Lucy’s black sparkling cat suit. “Michelle Pfeiffer?”
Lucy smirked. “Oh, you’re feisty. This is going to be fun!” Lucy donned her diamond encrusted gas mask and pulled the pin from the metal cylinder attached to her belt tossing it across the room. Miranda’s eyes rolled back in their sockets and within seconds she fell to the floor with a thud.
Emily and Janet both looked up from their desks as they heard the noise; then turned to face each other with suspicion.
“What was that?” Janet mouthed towards Emily.
Emily shrugged, as she reached under her desk for her weapon. As she released the safety Emily considered what would be waiting for them in the main office. She was really not in the mood for dying today.
The D.E.B.S moved towards the door of the inner office in standard two by two formation. Emily felt the bitter taste in the air coat the back of her throat and instantly she flashed back to her days in basic training. All D.E.B.S agents had been trained to withstand the physiological and mental effects of incapacitating vapours such as knock out gas, but it had been a while since their last true exposure and Emily knew that they were in trouble here.
Janet-unable to control the symptoms-slumped against the door frame; she just had time to punch the panic code into her wristwatch before she slipped into unconsciousness. Emily rolled her eyes as she looked down at Janet’s body. She had put her through a rigorous fashion boot camp, but clearly from the current state of her partner she should have put her back through a basic skills recertification. Right now, Janet was as much use to her as one of the size six mannequins in the Closet. Not that Emily was totally immune, but at least she was standing her ground.
Despite the physical effects of the gas Emily kept her defensive stance-albeit on jelly legs. Through blurred vision she watched as the perfect derriere of an unconscious Miranda Priestly approached over the shoulder of a masked ninja-esc figure. “Freeze!” Emily shouted through her cough as she pointed her gun at the unidentified assailant.
Lucy drew her weapon at the shaky redhead. ‘How on earth did the Feds get here so fast?’ Puzzled Lucy. She looked at the digital clock on her wrist watch; enough time had passed for the powerful effects of the gas to dissipate so Lucy decided to remove her mask.
“Oh my god. You are Lucy Diamond.” Emily exclaimed as the intruder revealed her face.
“And who might you be?” Lucy teased, eyeing the redhead. “An extremely dedicated assistant?” She scanned the pistol in Emily’s hand, safety removed, one in the barrel. “No, you are something else aren’t you!?! A D.E.B?” She smirked.
Emily’s nostrils flared with impatience, refusing to grace her assailant with an answer. Using her weapon, she motioned towards Miranda’s hoisted posterior. “Put her down and put your hands in the air. I am arresting you for interfering with government agents, assault and battery, kidnapping, and…” She searched for another crime to pin on the criminal queen. Although there was no evidence, she followed kidnapping with its most common friend. “…extortion. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be…”
“Extortion? I haven’t even made it out of the building!”
“Oh. Well. Extortion always goes with kidnapping. It’s like toast and jam.”
“Jelly, you mean?” Lucy asked in confusion.
“I mean jam.” Emily said in her most British, most pouty and most haughty voice. “And you are still under arrest for… for… whatever it is you’ve done. Because clearly… You’re a criminal.”
Lucy tried for disarmingly cute as she saw that the redhead’s defences were already faltering. “You know, you could just let me go?”
“That would be absolutely out of the question. Not only does it bypass about 50 regulation codes, but you have my prime directive over your shoulder and you must be crazy to think I’m going to let you walk out of here.” Emily reached out her spare hand to the wall in an effort to steady her un-cooperating size two frame.
Lucy patted Miranda on the ass, flaunting the fact that she had the upper hand, as she contemplated her next comment. “Well, she isn’t getting any lighter! Oh come on. Haven’t you ever done anything you aren’t supposed to?” Lucy’s pleading was cut short by a ringing desk phone.
Emily looked in the direction of the noise. Lucy took advantage of the split second distraction and escaped into the open elevator.
“Shit!” Emily cursed as she ran on heavy legs towards the closing doors.
As the elevator doors closed, Lucy breathed a sigh of relief. ‘How did those agents get there so fast? Who was that redhead? And was I flirting?’ Her thoughts were interrupted as her cell phone beeped loudly.
“What the hell, Lucy? Why can I see an arsenal of blue flashing lights approaching?” Scud screamed into the phone.
“I’ll be there in two minutes. Start up the rotors!” Lucy commanded, shaking her head in disbelief, as the realization of her lucky escape dawned on her. Securing the retractable rope around her body and unconscious-Miranda, she pushed the lever and allowed the rope to pull them both through the exit flap on the elevator ceiling and up to the roof within seconds.
On to part two
Author: ragelikeafire and punky_96
Pairing: Emily Charlton/Lucy Diamond
Characters DWP: Emily, Miranda, and Nigel
Characters D.E.B.S: Lucy, Janet, Max, Mr. Phipps, Ms. Petrie, Dominique and Scud
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Summary: Emily struggles with her heart and her mind in order to save Miranda from the clutches of the evil Lucy Diamond.
Disclaimer: on our LJ/DW pages
Click here for the IMDB entry for D.E.B.S
Prompts: (35.) Miranda/Emily. (unrequited) Emily can't understand why Miranda didn't love her like she loved Miranda. (53). Emily as a DEB (54). Lucy Diamond wants to take over Runway, Emily stops her but they fall in love
A/N: Rage: Remind me again why I have helicopter lessons, a copy of Espionage for Dummies and a diamond encrusted gas mask on my credit card bill?
A/N: Punk: Were you doing some online shopping that you don’t remember at 5am in a hotel room, young lady?
A/N: Rage: That was one time! One time! Are you ever going to let me forget it? Hang on, could this have been for the research we did on our entry in the DWP Ficfest extravaganza?
A/N: Punk: Wot entry!?! After I signed up for ficfest I don’t remember anything! I woke up later in a chat room with you and a new LJ name “sparkle_mctrashy_lovetown.” We wrote a fic together?!?
A/N: Rage: Well how else would you explain the nonsense below the lj-cut? The plotless cracklayered entry screams “I am the fucked up love child of the artists formally known as The Rage and Punkmeister. Also, I can see no other explanation as to why I have “birgit_mc_dump_meister hearts sparkle_mctrashy_lovetown.” tattooed on my arse cheek!?!
A/N: sparkle_mctrashy_lovetown (formerly known as punkmeister): You know after reading the nonsense I wonder just what we were on? Sparkle Love seems so contrary to the nonsense behind the cut!
A/N: Birgit_mc_dump_meister (formerly known as The Rage): Well I guess all that’s left to say is. We hope you enjoy this crossover fic as much as we enjoyed writing it! Comments are like bacon… Mmmm bacon!
Love Is Harder Than Crime
Part one
The early New York morning was brisk as Emily trudged up from the subway and grumbled through her daily checklist: secure the perimeter, coordinate with Roy and Janet on target arrival and readiness, prepare the magazines and water for said target-regulated at precisely 72 degrees Fahrenheit.
‘Oh, sure. They said you’ll get to be in fashion. You love to draw.’ Emily scrunched up her face in disgust. She had wanted to go to art school in Barcelona not spin her wheels guarding Miranda *eye roll* Priestly. ‘Top of my class! Graduated with honors! And for what? Any assignment I want, and I get lumped this holy hell.’
Emily checked her wrist GPS locator for Miranda’s current position and estimated her time of arrival, before continuing her rant. ‘The closest I’ve been to a sketch pad in the last two years is the blasted stationary order. And to top it off…’ Emily held her hand up to her mouth, physically grappling with the emotions that she regularly fought to keep inside. ‘I’ve fallen head over Jimmy Choos’ in lust with Miranda.’ Unable to keep the tears in any longer Emily double checked Miranda’s current co-ordinates and clacked to the bathroom for a private moment and some tissues.
“Emily? Have you seen my gun?” Janet asked as she wandered into the bathroom, completely oblivious to the fact that Emily was ‘having a moment.’ “I had it yesterday, but now I can’t seem to find it.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake, Janet!” Emily snapped. “This is not the Girl Scouts, this is bloody espionage! Miranda is going to be here any moment! What are you doing?”
Janet had only been on assignment for three-weeks. She was the latest in a string of incompetent undercover agents, who had been unable to adapt their years of government training to handle Miranda’s regime.
Taking a controlling deep breath, Emily adopted her practised British scowl and turned on her sickeningly-sweet former housemate. “Miranda’s coffee in seven.” The seconds ticked by like hours as Janet just stared at her cluelessly with her puppy dog eyes. “Move!” Emily barked stamping her Manolo heel and throwing in her trademark snap-and-point to emphasize the urgency.
“Oooh. Yes. Emily.” Janet squealed and rushed out the door as best she could in her four inch heels.
Emily checked her GPS once more, feeling her stomach drop as she saw the approach window closing. “I love my job.” She uttered under her breath and rubbed her manicured fingertips up and down the center of her forehead, in a desperate effort to release the tension. “I love my job.” She chanted once more as the elevator dinged out.
Miranda Priestly emerged through the doors, like a phoenix from the ashes; a true vision. Sliding her jacket from her shoulders, she stalked toward Emily.
‘Oh for the love of god! She is wearing THAT Bill Blass shirt.’ Emily thought trying to remember how to breathe.
The sunglasses were pulled from her face to reveal, dangerous sapphire eyes and as Miranda breezed towards the outer office, Emily began to salivate. 'The walking, oh, sweet baby Jesus, the walking! Those swaying hips, those heavenly calves and those heels!
“I love my…” Emily muttered, before realizing that she had almost said ‘boss.’ Temporarily losing control of her mind and limbs, Emily tripped forward in her Manolos causing enough of a racket for Miranda to look back at her. The glare was long and slow, trailing over every inch of Emily’s haute couture. It had been a while since Miranda had actually seen her; Miranda had a tendency to just talk in her general direction. Today, Emily felt well and truly ‘seen.'
Without missing a beat Miranda turned on her heels and began to rattle off the morning tirade of demands. Emily followed closely behind like a lovesick teenager as Miranda continued on oblivious to the magnitude of her gravitational pull. Miranda was the sun and Emily-just another planet forced to orbit in her universe.
~~~~~~~
Typing in the password Scud rolled his eyes. ‘Blahnik? Seriously? What kind of notorious criminal mastermind has that for a password?’
They had recently relocated to the new Headquarters and as evil criminal lairs went this was hella-cool; only the best for Lucy Diamond, but hiding right in the middle of downtown New York under the guise of the failing newspaper offices of The Mirror was too much even for him.
He had been loyal to Lucy for all of these years but ever since her break up with Sparkle, their dynamic just hadn’t been the same. Scud had told her that she needed a break, hinting at a sunshine cruise. Instead she had decided that she needed some kind of tragic-eunuch-style retreat away from anything that resembled civilisation. The problem was she had come back even more pissed with the universe than before she left. After seeing that Runway issue with Sparkle TrainWreck’s Cartier Diamond spread in the airport lounge, Lucy was ready to sink Australia once again.
So far it had taken Chinese takeout, a brutal game of Battleship, and finally a promise to set up the Playstation for Singstar to get her away from destroying Australia all over again.
The break up was three years ago, but apparently putting herself on ice in Reykjavik or Antarctica or wherever wasn’t enough. Just seeing THAT GIRL in the magazine set her off like bottled lightning. Scud knew her better than she knew herself and with this knowledge came the power to defuse her. Tentatively he confiscated her set of keys for the continent-destroyer-machine and went to get the Playstation console.
“I’ve got it.” Lucy shouted as Scud dragged in the heavy game console and all the components of the game. He waited for the idea as he moved towards the entertainment center. ‘This can’t be good!’ He cringed. She was obviously cycling through every emotion on the rainbow, but seriously this had to stop soon.
“Runway.” Lucy announced.
Plugging the cords and leads into various slots and connecting them, Scud took a few moments to absorb the word. ‘Runway. Airplanes? No. Fashion runways? No. Runway magazine?’ “Excuse me? What?” He said as he hit power and turned incredulous eyes on her.
“Runway.” Lucy’s eyes lit up as she watched the Sony logo wave across the screen behind him. “Ooooh. I want to go first, put in the Rock Ballads disc!”
Hoping that Lucy was well and truly distracted from schemes for the time being he let the conversation die in favor of Singstar. He had really grown to like it when he was waiting and waiting and waiting, in a covert location. It beat bingo hands down!
As much as he did not want Lucy to try and sink Australia again-he really and truly hoped from the bottom of his heart that he had misunderstood her.
‘She couldn’t possibly mean that they would take over Runway Magazine? The same Runway magazine featuring Birgit McDumpMeister in the Cartier Spread? The same magazine that was controlled by the editrix who could freeze a man’s balls with a simple look? The same magazine that his dear uncle Nigel from Rhode Island who was ‘that’ way worked at. No. Lucy Diamond could not possibly mean that she wanted to take over Runway Magazine. Could she?’ Scud shook off the thoughts running rampant through his brain like a startled herd of elephants and focused on Sing Star. Lucy’s rendition of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ was coming to an end and it was his turn to kick her ass!
Lucy’s score popped up on the screen. Scud snatched the microphone from her hands. “Rising Star...?” He scoffed. “Watch this!” He exclaimed as he launched into his song.
“I hear the ticking of the clock,
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark,
I wonder where you are tonight,
No answer on the telephone,
And the night goes by so very slow,
Oh I hope that it won't end though,
Alone...”
He poured his heart and soul into it, watching the points mount up-if for no other purpose than to drown the cacophony of sound that his thoughts had become in the last five minutes. When his superior score of Sing Star popped up on the screen, he jumped up onto the couch and nearly spiked the microphone to the floor. “I am the God of Singstar!” He proclaimed. Lucy tried to wrestle the microphone from his hands and they collapsed in a giggling, heap on the couch.
Finally regaining some control and breathing somewhat regularly Lucy fixed her dark eyes on Scud. “Tomorrow we begin to plan. But now I challenge you to a duet battle!”
As the intro to Starship’s ‘Nothing’s gonna stop us now’ blasted from the speakers, Scud shut his eyes and well and truly hoped that tomorrow was another day-another day in which he could work his magic and deflate her evil schemes to do things that really weren’t her style to do. Sure, she was a criminal mastermind. Sure, she employed a vast network of loyal mercenaries capable of anything. Sure, her reputation preceded her as a ruthless, cold blooded killer who had never left an opponent standing. In reality though, she was just a girl with Daddy issues and a broken heart, who wanted to kick the world in the shins. Scud hoped that she would heal soon so they could get back to stealing diamonds and art heists. ‘What could she possibly get from taking over Runway? Unless she meant to really take it over as in buy it out and oust the Dragonlady?’ Scud shivered at the thought. Tomorrow he was really going to have to work triple time to stay ahead of Lucy’s heart and schemes.
For now?
He was the God of Singstar and he knew she was just asking for another ass kicking.
~~~~~~~
“Where is Serena? She needs new accessories for the next Birgit Sparkle shoot up here in ten. Did Patrick confirm Belize for Thursday? See what you can do about NASA rejecting our request to shoot on the moon. It’s public domain. I mean really. Does the government have a monopoly on all open space? Is it like they have a toll road in the sky? Tell Hillary and Palin that we won’t be using them for that ‘ends of the spectrum’ piece we are doing about the fashion of female politicians. I want Poehler and Fey in their SNL personas to do the shoot instead, much more attractive. That cover will sell out so fast that Irv will be eating out of my hand. Have Emily Two contact that Meyer Vampire woman to send an advanced copy of her new book. I want the supplies for the twins’ birthday event this weekend at the townhouse by lunchtime. Then send her to Calvin Klein. Oh and Emily, see that my Starbucks arrives before the next millennium. That’s all.”
Miranda spoke more, explained more, which made life easier for Emily. It had been a subtle change in her second year that Emily had silently made note of. She figured that being the only assistant to ever have made it all the way past the year mark and choosing to stay meant Miranda must be rewarding her in some small way. In her heart of hearts she hoped that Miranda had noticed her and that this was truly some kind of preferential treatment, but when it never went farther than a short conversation here and there, she found it hard to hold on to hope. Coming to terms with the fact that Miranda just really didn’t see her, was harder than she thought it would be.
The extra explaining only happened when Emily was alone with Miranda and only when she was giving her orders. When she switched into orders for Janet or the previous girls, then she gave her typically cryptic orders like just now when she said that Emily should send Janet to Calvin Klein for no express purpose than to see her go. If Emily could really believe it was just a cruel joke to send Janet somewhere in a tizzy, she might be able to enjoy it a little bit, but as it was she just was left feeling forlorn. Fact: Miranda was talking to her, treating her differently, but she did not see her. Miranda only had eyes for Runway.
Emily turned out of her office and almost walked through Mr. Phipps’ hologram. “Oh, hello. Mr. P.” She greeted him distractedly.
“Don’t call me that!” Mr. Phipps growled.
“Mr. P was just telling me that…” Janet started.
“Don’t call me that!” He insisted, growling again.
“So, Mr. P was just telling me that a highly dangerous criminal is back in town.” Janet continued as she was given a defeated eye-roll by Mr. Phipps. Emily joined him in the eye roll; she could really do without Little Miss Sunshine this morning.
“As I was saying.” Mr Phipps spoke regaining control of the briefing. “Intel has confirmed that Lucy Diamond is back in town. Her lead man, Scud, has been seen at local fashion shows and even talking to designers in town. We’re not sure what they are up to, but it is certain that Diamond is on the move.” Emily glared at Janet upon hearing her shocked gasp. “Once we receive confirmation on her plans you will be informed. Remember, safety first, D.E.B.S.”
Mr. Phipps dematerialized just as Miranda called out from her office, “Em-ill-eee.”
“Calvin Klein. Coffee. I’ll text you the rest. Go!” Emily ordered with a forceful whisper.
“Wait. Didn’t you write your thesis on her?” Janet quizzed.
Emily nodded with a grim face. She was concerned about the fashion aspect of the new information. She knew that they were there to protect and guard Miranda, but never in a million years did she expect to be guarding Miranda from the likes of Lucy Diamond.
“Em-ill-eee.”
“Shit!” Emily said under her breath. “Go!?!” Emily snap pointed so that Janet would get the hell out of there before the impossible list was doubled or tripled and she turned to face Miranda.
***
Janet heard the buzz of her phone as it vibrated in her thigh holster. It wasn’t the most fashionable perhaps, but it was the easiest way to keep her phone on her person while having to stay in the ridiculous fashion requirements of her new assignment guarding Miranda Priestly and therefore working at Runway. Janet had only been on the job for three weeks, but now she understood why Emily was always on such a tear when she saw her. This high level of stress had nothing to do with their D.E.B. training and attached possible danger. Instead this stress she could tell was from the constant push and pull of the storm of working for Miranda.
In the two years since End Game Janet had moved into the apartment down the hall from her former housemate and watched her change under the reign of Miranda Priestly. Janet for her part had been able to score various short term assignments that allowed her some travel and more importantly freedom and flexibility. It had taken Janet three weeks of fashion pop quizzes and bizarre errand tests before Emily would even let her apply for the position at Runway. Janet shook her head at the various thoughts about her fellow D.E.B. as she pulled out her beeping phone.
It was a long email message:
“Lucy Diamond is the most dangerous criminal mastermind around. She inherited the keys to her family’s crime syndicate when they were all killed in a battle with the Schaffer’s. Three years ago she disappeared. No one has ever faced her and lived to tell about it. Mr. P just emailed the update from Intel. She was photographed leaving the Blue Iguana last night with French Fashion minx Jacqueline Follet. It was unclear what her intentions and future plans were as the team couldn’t get close without compromising their cover. There were pictures all over Perez this morning. The rumors are outrageous! There are no known previous connections between Jacqueline and Lucy, but we are to be prepared for anything!”
Janet scanned through the email on her Blackberry™ taking a mental note of all the important points but before she could reply the car pulled up at Calvin Klein. It was a total mystery why she had been sent here, but Janet was so thrilled to not have to be in the office with Miranda, that she didn’t care about her motives. It was better for everyone that Janet was the one sent out into the world that way Emily and Miranda could fight through the fashion. Plus, she enjoyed visiting CK as she always got to have a good gossip with the second assistant. Frankly, she was just thankful for conversations that contained full sentences instead of cryptic clues; some days it was like being back in her Cipher and Subterfuge class in the academy! With her smile restored, Janet happily took the proffered package and headed back to Elias Clark.
“You didn’t answer my question. You wrote your thesis about her, right?” She typed out on the tiny keyboard.
“Yes. I can’t believe my assignment here would ever connect to Diamond.”
“Did Mr. P say why they think she’s back? I mean, what is she doing with Jacqueline?”
“I have no idea. She’s into art and diamonds not French fashion mags. I do know that Miranda and Jacqueline hate each other- that can’t be a coincidence!”
“Maybe she’s her friend or a friend of the family?”
Emily hit speed dial two on her keypad, she had little patience at the best of times but SMS conversations with Janet were just excruciating. “Wot?” She sniped into the receiver.
“Well, you know. Maybe Jacqueline Follet is a friend, or was a friend, to the Diamond family. Maybe Lucy just missed her friends where she was?”
Emily rolled her eyes so hard that Janet could hear her eyes twisting up in their sockets. “Starbucks.” Emily said in her pinched Runway voice. Janet cringed at the click in her ear. ‘Well, that went well.’ She thought as she gave the driver the new directions.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Why can’t I rappel down from the roof, Scud?” Lucy sighed and asked one more time as they sat in the car at the curb outside of Elias-Clark. “Seriously, if you’re going to have a helicopter on the roof… Why don’t you just let me approach from the top down?”
Scud shook his head in disbelief and patted Lucy’s hand with his own. “Because. If I land the helicopter on the roof someone is going to notice. When someone notices then that means the police, Feds or even the D.E.B.s will notice. Miranda Priestly is a high visibility target. There won’t be enough time for you to climb down, accomplish your mission and make it back to the roof in time.”
Lucy stared at him for many long moments. Now that they were finally here, she had a sliver of doubt. She wondered if he’d believe her that she felt sick to her stomach. His gaze did not waver from hers and with a nod she opened the car door.
With a screech of the tires, Scud pulled away without a look back. He somehow had to get to the helicopter and make it back to Elias Clark to allow Lucy to escape with the target.
Thankful now for her training with the sled dogs in Reykjavik, Lucy laboriously scaled the side of the Elias Clark building with her trusty suction cups. ‘Maybe I should have gone with Scud’s idea and just taken over Elias Clark?’ Lucy thought, as she paused for breath somewhere between the 17th and 18th floors. Blowing her bangs out of her face she contemplated her options. ‘The Runway floor is only one below the Elias Clark Executive floor and if I’m going to climb this far…’ Lucy rolled her eyes at herself and her predicament. She had no need to take over all of Elias Clark. She barely had a reason to disrupt Runway Magazine, but she wanted to punish Sparkle McTrashy in any way she could and if it would help Auntie Jacqueline out in the slightest, then that was as good a reason as any! Vaguely Lucy wondered what kind of woman could possibly make her Aunt THAT angry and sad at the same time. She hadn’t delved into their history. Clearly whatever had happened between them-it was painful and it had left Auntie Jacqui with nothing but feelings of bitterness and hatred.
The sat-nav console vibrated violently against her utility belt to signify the arrival at her location, simultaneously sending some very pleasant shockwaves through her lady parts. Lucy smiled briefly and then shook her head in exasperation. “Get your head in the game, Luce!” She scolded aloud. Retrieving the glass-cutting-laserpen from her breast pocket Lucy began her stealthy entrance to Miranda Priestly’s office.
Unnoticed, Lucy watched Miranda from the other side of the glass as she poured feverishly over piles of glossy photos. Lucy paused, wondering if any of those images could contain the deceitful face of Slutty McWhore. Lost in vengeful thoughts she didn’t notice that Miranda had turned in her seat and was now looking directly at her. “SHIT!” Lucy jumped.
Taking full advantage of the ‘WHAT THE FUCK!?!’ look on Miranda’s face and making quick work of the triple glazed glass. Lucy bounded through the window with the grace of a Russian gymnast. “Freeze!” She ordered as Miranda stood from her chair.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Miranda snorted as her eyes poured over Lucy’s black sparkling cat suit. “Michelle Pfeiffer?”
Lucy smirked. “Oh, you’re feisty. This is going to be fun!” Lucy donned her diamond encrusted gas mask and pulled the pin from the metal cylinder attached to her belt tossing it across the room. Miranda’s eyes rolled back in their sockets and within seconds she fell to the floor with a thud.
Emily and Janet both looked up from their desks as they heard the noise; then turned to face each other with suspicion.
“What was that?” Janet mouthed towards Emily.
Emily shrugged, as she reached under her desk for her weapon. As she released the safety Emily considered what would be waiting for them in the main office. She was really not in the mood for dying today.
The D.E.B.S moved towards the door of the inner office in standard two by two formation. Emily felt the bitter taste in the air coat the back of her throat and instantly she flashed back to her days in basic training. All D.E.B.S agents had been trained to withstand the physiological and mental effects of incapacitating vapours such as knock out gas, but it had been a while since their last true exposure and Emily knew that they were in trouble here.
Janet-unable to control the symptoms-slumped against the door frame; she just had time to punch the panic code into her wristwatch before she slipped into unconsciousness. Emily rolled her eyes as she looked down at Janet’s body. She had put her through a rigorous fashion boot camp, but clearly from the current state of her partner she should have put her back through a basic skills recertification. Right now, Janet was as much use to her as one of the size six mannequins in the Closet. Not that Emily was totally immune, but at least she was standing her ground.
Despite the physical effects of the gas Emily kept her defensive stance-albeit on jelly legs. Through blurred vision she watched as the perfect derriere of an unconscious Miranda Priestly approached over the shoulder of a masked ninja-esc figure. “Freeze!” Emily shouted through her cough as she pointed her gun at the unidentified assailant.
Lucy drew her weapon at the shaky redhead. ‘How on earth did the Feds get here so fast?’ Puzzled Lucy. She looked at the digital clock on her wrist watch; enough time had passed for the powerful effects of the gas to dissipate so Lucy decided to remove her mask.
“Oh my god. You are Lucy Diamond.” Emily exclaimed as the intruder revealed her face.
“And who might you be?” Lucy teased, eyeing the redhead. “An extremely dedicated assistant?” She scanned the pistol in Emily’s hand, safety removed, one in the barrel. “No, you are something else aren’t you!?! A D.E.B?” She smirked.
Emily’s nostrils flared with impatience, refusing to grace her assailant with an answer. Using her weapon, she motioned towards Miranda’s hoisted posterior. “Put her down and put your hands in the air. I am arresting you for interfering with government agents, assault and battery, kidnapping, and…” She searched for another crime to pin on the criminal queen. Although there was no evidence, she followed kidnapping with its most common friend. “…extortion. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be…”
“Extortion? I haven’t even made it out of the building!”
“Oh. Well. Extortion always goes with kidnapping. It’s like toast and jam.”
“Jelly, you mean?” Lucy asked in confusion.
“I mean jam.” Emily said in her most British, most pouty and most haughty voice. “And you are still under arrest for… for… whatever it is you’ve done. Because clearly… You’re a criminal.”
Lucy tried for disarmingly cute as she saw that the redhead’s defences were already faltering. “You know, you could just let me go?”
“That would be absolutely out of the question. Not only does it bypass about 50 regulation codes, but you have my prime directive over your shoulder and you must be crazy to think I’m going to let you walk out of here.” Emily reached out her spare hand to the wall in an effort to steady her un-cooperating size two frame.
Lucy patted Miranda on the ass, flaunting the fact that she had the upper hand, as she contemplated her next comment. “Well, she isn’t getting any lighter! Oh come on. Haven’t you ever done anything you aren’t supposed to?” Lucy’s pleading was cut short by a ringing desk phone.
Emily looked in the direction of the noise. Lucy took advantage of the split second distraction and escaped into the open elevator.
“Shit!” Emily cursed as she ran on heavy legs towards the closing doors.
As the elevator doors closed, Lucy breathed a sigh of relief. ‘How did those agents get there so fast? Who was that redhead? And was I flirting?’ Her thoughts were interrupted as her cell phone beeped loudly.
“What the hell, Lucy? Why can I see an arsenal of blue flashing lights approaching?” Scud screamed into the phone.
“I’ll be there in two minutes. Start up the rotors!” Lucy commanded, shaking her head in disbelief, as the realization of her lucky escape dawned on her. Securing the retractable rope around her body and unconscious-Miranda, she pushed the lever and allowed the rope to pull them both through the exit flap on the elevator ceiling and up to the roof within seconds.
On to part two