Current Thoughts - Ideals vs. Integrity
It's been 76 weeks since my last entry. Strange to think that I've left this journal alone that long. I won't burden it with recounting everything that's happened in the past 76 weeks; I only opened it up again because I wanted to get a thought down that's rolled around in my head many times over the past several years.
Like most people, I wrestle with my own shortcomings, trying to live up to ideals that provide difficulty to me when I'd rather not deal with the struggle to overcome temptations to do what's more comfortable, easier, more fun, etc. than what I know I should be doing. This applies to many aspects of my life: keeping up with musical and academic studies instead of devoting too much time to entertainment; eating junk that tastes good instead of moderate amounts of healthy food; taking too much time away from healthy exercise when I know that I feel better when I keep up with my daily workout; etc. etc...
My standard routine has been to go back and forth between extremes of a sort: I rigidly conform to the ideal in which I believe, studying/eating healthy/working out every day, until the unrelenting discipline wears me down and I start making exceptions to my own standards to relieve the oppressive stress I put on myself. These exceptions take place more and more often, and then after weeks or months I find myself woefully behind in my studies/fat/lazy. Then I freak out and force myself into the old rigid routine, trying to make up for lost time. It leads to a lot of stress and self-loathing at each extreme, and is really counterproductive to a happy, successful life.
The point I'm trying to make, particularly for my own sake, is that having clear ideals that you choose to value is all well and good, but that's only the first step. I can start out with the purest intentions and the firmest determination to live up to my ideals, but if I don't follow that up with a constant self-awareness of myself and where I stand in relation to my goals and ideals, I can't reach my full potential.
For some reason, I've internalized the belief that for any goal you have in life, all that you need to be successful is to make one decision, one moment of clarity that drives everything else that follows. I've realized that life isn't that simple. It's an endless series of decisions, each one by no means easy. Endless opportunities present themselves where you can decide to do something that doesn't live up to your ideals, where you can ignore your better nature for your own enjoyment. Each one by itself may not matter in the grand scheme, but if you aren't constantly aware of them, they can add up and sabotage your future.
I think this is the difference between having ideals and having integrity. This could be loosely tied to the relationship between theory and practice, but it's not a very strong analogy. One counterexample in practice can debunk a whole theory, but we can't live up to our own ideals in every situation. The trick about integrity is being vigilant enough to see where your decisions are leading you in the grand scheme, see which ones matter and which don't, and keep yourself on the track you've set out for yourself. That's a constant lifelong commitment and struggle, and it is much harder than picking your ideals and deciding to follow them.
I don't know how to adjust my thinking to this new strategy, since I'm used to having a task before me and working on it till it's done. Practicing a solo, writing a paper, doing a problem set, etc. Integrity is never done, but if I want to take responsibility for my own life and keep myself productive, healthy, and happy, I need to internalize this way of thinking so that I can take care of myself beyond completing the next arbitrary task. Any thoughts would be welcome at this point, but I realize this was a long rant and most of you probably forgot I even had an account on this site.
Like most people, I wrestle with my own shortcomings, trying to live up to ideals that provide difficulty to me when I'd rather not deal with the struggle to overcome temptations to do what's more comfortable, easier, more fun, etc. than what I know I should be doing. This applies to many aspects of my life: keeping up with musical and academic studies instead of devoting too much time to entertainment; eating junk that tastes good instead of moderate amounts of healthy food; taking too much time away from healthy exercise when I know that I feel better when I keep up with my daily workout; etc. etc...
My standard routine has been to go back and forth between extremes of a sort: I rigidly conform to the ideal in which I believe, studying/eating healthy/working out every day, until the unrelenting discipline wears me down and I start making exceptions to my own standards to relieve the oppressive stress I put on myself. These exceptions take place more and more often, and then after weeks or months I find myself woefully behind in my studies/fat/lazy. Then I freak out and force myself into the old rigid routine, trying to make up for lost time. It leads to a lot of stress and self-loathing at each extreme, and is really counterproductive to a happy, successful life.
The point I'm trying to make, particularly for my own sake, is that having clear ideals that you choose to value is all well and good, but that's only the first step. I can start out with the purest intentions and the firmest determination to live up to my ideals, but if I don't follow that up with a constant self-awareness of myself and where I stand in relation to my goals and ideals, I can't reach my full potential.
For some reason, I've internalized the belief that for any goal you have in life, all that you need to be successful is to make one decision, one moment of clarity that drives everything else that follows. I've realized that life isn't that simple. It's an endless series of decisions, each one by no means easy. Endless opportunities present themselves where you can decide to do something that doesn't live up to your ideals, where you can ignore your better nature for your own enjoyment. Each one by itself may not matter in the grand scheme, but if you aren't constantly aware of them, they can add up and sabotage your future.
I think this is the difference between having ideals and having integrity. This could be loosely tied to the relationship between theory and practice, but it's not a very strong analogy. One counterexample in practice can debunk a whole theory, but we can't live up to our own ideals in every situation. The trick about integrity is being vigilant enough to see where your decisions are leading you in the grand scheme, see which ones matter and which don't, and keep yourself on the track you've set out for yourself. That's a constant lifelong commitment and struggle, and it is much harder than picking your ideals and deciding to follow them.
I don't know how to adjust my thinking to this new strategy, since I'm used to having a task before me and working on it till it's done. Practicing a solo, writing a paper, doing a problem set, etc. Integrity is never done, but if I want to take responsibility for my own life and keep myself productive, healthy, and happy, I need to internalize this way of thinking so that I can take care of myself beyond completing the next arbitrary task. Any thoughts would be welcome at this point, but I realize this was a long rant and most of you probably forgot I even had an account on this site.