Jerk
People have asked me why am i with him when he's such a jerk. ive asked myself that many times and i finally came up with an answer. im with him b/c he's a jerk. ive been with the nice guys and treated them all like shit. i detroyed every one of those relationships b/c they were so nice to me and i couldnt take it. i need to be treated like shit. i know i like older guys b/c of my dad isssues, i know i like being treated like shit b/c of my dad issues. i know the answers to all my questions and all my decisions, but i do nothing to change them.
last night while we were arguing at dinner,no suprise there, across from us was a celebration, a proposal. here we are, the most miserable people there,and right next to us is the happiest couple alive. was that a sign? i looked over and jealously surged through me.i thought "lucky bitch".he was so happy, like honestly the girl of his dreams just made him the happiest man alive.
its funny how without any words and without any actions, some one can make you feel like the ugliest most disgustingly unattractive peice of shit alive. he doesnt touch me, he doesnt kiss me,when i kiss him, he pulls away. i remember when these things used to bother me, when i used to cry about them, and feel completely broken down. and now, i cant even bring myself to shed one tear. im so used to it, im so used to being neglacted, that ive accepted it, its become apart of me. the minute someone else pays attention to me or compliments me i want to laugh in their face b/c i know they are lieing, or at least believe that they are.
i had a chance, a long time ago to get out while i still could. to never have to feel this way again, and be with someone i know would cherish me. but i didnt.... and now im in too deep. half the time, when i want to leave him, i dont b/c of his family. his family loves me,and i love them. i know how they talk about all the ex's. and i dont want that to happen. im afraid of getting calls interrigating me as to why i left him. i feel almost trapped. and the only thing i have to look forward to are those very few days when he is nice, when he is sweet, and when he acts like he cares. those days i treasure and can only pray for more.
last night while we were arguing at dinner,no suprise there, across from us was a celebration, a proposal. here we are, the most miserable people there,and right next to us is the happiest couple alive. was that a sign? i looked over and jealously surged through me.i thought "lucky bitch".he was so happy, like honestly the girl of his dreams just made him the happiest man alive.
its funny how without any words and without any actions, some one can make you feel like the ugliest most disgustingly unattractive peice of shit alive. he doesnt touch me, he doesnt kiss me,when i kiss him, he pulls away. i remember when these things used to bother me, when i used to cry about them, and feel completely broken down. and now, i cant even bring myself to shed one tear. im so used to it, im so used to being neglacted, that ive accepted it, its become apart of me. the minute someone else pays attention to me or compliments me i want to laugh in their face b/c i know they are lieing, or at least believe that they are.
i had a chance, a long time ago to get out while i still could. to never have to feel this way again, and be with someone i know would cherish me. but i didnt.... and now im in too deep. half the time, when i want to leave him, i dont b/c of his family. his family loves me,and i love them. i know how they talk about all the ex's. and i dont want that to happen. im afraid of getting calls interrigating me as to why i left him. i feel almost trapped. and the only thing i have to look forward to are those very few days when he is nice, when he is sweet, and when he acts like he cares. those days i treasure and can only pray for more.