Me Angry
Usually if i get really angry i can feel it in my whole body, my heart beast faster and i got all tensed up. but lately i stay very calm but deep inside me so deep i can only feel the thought, i want to hit something, hurt someone. its weird b/c im not s voilent person at a ll but lately if i get really made at something or someone i just want to take it out. which is not good. its like the calm before the storm, and it will all spill out soon.
Lately i havent been sleeping well at all, and Matt was snorring really loud last night, so he has told me before if i snore too loud just shake me. but i dont want to do that, it would scare him. so i just grabbed his hand and shook it a little and called his name he says "WHAT?!" all angry and i told him turn over or something b/c your snoring really loud. he was all pissy and turned over exagerating his movements. i got sooooo mad i almost started crying all i wanted to do was push him so hard right off the bed. and then i played out this senario in my head. b/c i know if i ever sturck Matt in a violent way he would hit me back. and it was almost as if i wanted him to. more so for the fact that i wouldnt have to go to work. but i would be scared b/c hes very strong. but its weird every part of me is calm but i hear this thought saying "hit something, hit them"
So i am exhausted since last week i wake up serval times durring the night to check the time fearing that ill miss the alarm clock or it wont go off and ill over sleep.so i got 2 alarm clocks thinking ill have more peace of mind if i knew i had a back up. but i dont. i woke up like 3 or 4 times like night started at 3 am and kept checking the time. im falling asleep at work,and i usually shut my eyes sometimes but the minute i hear a noise ill wake up. but now ill sleep right through everyones conversations and noises. its bad. i know my unfit sleep is coming from stress. so i try to take a nap or just go to bed early when i get home but it never works b/c im soooo happy when i get home, that im home, that it takes forver for me to wind down and fall asleep.i dont know what to do. i could take tylenol pm but then i would pass out and im afraid i wouldnt wake up to my alarms. and lately Matt's been home and i want to spend as much time with him. i cant wait till friday night then i can really sleep in!