I dunno....i just dunno.....
Why do i get the feeling that i insulted someone i really care about?
will explain later.
Ok. Now i am back, and i can elaborate further about tonight's post...
Now, i'll be the first to admit that i am not completely comfortable with some things about me, but i think that sometimes, life hands us situations that are supposed to get us as individuals to look at ourselves critically and sho us what we need to change about ourselves....and i know that one of the things i need to change about myself is my awful habit of pushing someone away.
I'll start with this trip to London....i am super excited to go, and part of that reason is Paul...i mean, spending ten days in the arms of someone you like is a wonderful thing, no? I think it is, conciously, but subconsciously, i am trying to sabotage the potential for happiness, and i rcognized it so very clearly today. I shook his belief in being able to make me comfortable.
It was quite innocent,really....i was chatting with my cousin Helen on msn earlier that day and she told me that i shouldn't come to Kent empty-handed, as that would be rude...i should bring some goodies with me to share with Paul, and one of the things she thought he'd appreciate would be some ketchup, since in her opinion, the ketchup in England "sucks much donkey ass"...so she suggested that i bring a huge bottle of Heinz ketchup cos' it is good ketchup and since he loves the stuff so much, it would be heavily used...win win, if you ask me.
Anyway, since i have been very busy with teaching a class and attending classes and working the part time and full time jobs, i haven't had time to chat with Paul online like i'd like, and well, i think he feels like i am neglecting him, and i am so not...i am just trying to work and make some money so i can support myself, you know?
So anyway, i e mailed him and told him what helen had said and how i was bringing the ketchup cos i thought it would be a good thing....he took it as me being all ungrateful and shit....and i WASN'T TRYING TO BE. He took it as him not being able to provide good things for me, and well....that wasn't it....i was trying to be nice. At least i told myself that.
Upon further introspection, i realized that i was "pushing him away" by being insulting....i mean, WHAT would be wrong with the ketchup? Like it fucking mattered, you know? I did some more thinking, and i came to the conclusion that--
A: I liked him. And since i liked him, he had the potential to hurt or disappoint me, so i had to squelch that.
B: Due to my uncomfortableness with myself (losing weight but still feel like a fucking whale) i am subconsiously hurting our relationship so that should he reject me, i won't be hurt by it as much...
C:I am terrified of liking someone so much, and since someone as cool/sweet/smart/funny/intelligent as he is is SILLY to want to hitch their star to me....so to reinforce the belief that i am NOT worthy, i am going to fuck it up as much as i can by not allowing him to like me back.
When i came to these conclusions, i began to get upset, and i got the urge to cry...but i didn't, cos tears solve nothing and just make my face feel gooey. I decided to search my soul and flesh out what i was feeling here, because i need to feel like i can at least put this to rights.
What i am feeling is elation coupled with fear and a distinct loathing for self now....I know i know..i was soo positive Saturday! Things get shuffled when one is forced to look at themselves and admit to their shortcomings..and man oh man, does this growing and self-realization hurt.....but it needs to be done. I need to do it, if i am going to be true to myself and look at myself in the mirror with a modicum of integrity. Simple as that.
So Paul--
I apologize for being such a prat and i apologize once again for doubting you when all along it was me that i doubted...you have been nothing but excellent and i have been the horses' ass here...i am truly sorry i hurt your feelings, and i pray that you forgive me....cos you know i care about you and would NEVER want to hurt you....and i know i did...and i am so so so incredibly sorry.
Please forgive me.
B-
will explain later.
Ok. Now i am back, and i can elaborate further about tonight's post...
Now, i'll be the first to admit that i am not completely comfortable with some things about me, but i think that sometimes, life hands us situations that are supposed to get us as individuals to look at ourselves critically and sho us what we need to change about ourselves....and i know that one of the things i need to change about myself is my awful habit of pushing someone away.
I'll start with this trip to London....i am super excited to go, and part of that reason is Paul...i mean, spending ten days in the arms of someone you like is a wonderful thing, no? I think it is, conciously, but subconsciously, i am trying to sabotage the potential for happiness, and i rcognized it so very clearly today. I shook his belief in being able to make me comfortable.
It was quite innocent,really....i was chatting with my cousin Helen on msn earlier that day and she told me that i shouldn't come to Kent empty-handed, as that would be rude...i should bring some goodies with me to share with Paul, and one of the things she thought he'd appreciate would be some ketchup, since in her opinion, the ketchup in England "sucks much donkey ass"...so she suggested that i bring a huge bottle of Heinz ketchup cos' it is good ketchup and since he loves the stuff so much, it would be heavily used...win win, if you ask me.
Anyway, since i have been very busy with teaching a class and attending classes and working the part time and full time jobs, i haven't had time to chat with Paul online like i'd like, and well, i think he feels like i am neglecting him, and i am so not...i am just trying to work and make some money so i can support myself, you know?
So anyway, i e mailed him and told him what helen had said and how i was bringing the ketchup cos i thought it would be a good thing....he took it as me being all ungrateful and shit....and i WASN'T TRYING TO BE. He took it as him not being able to provide good things for me, and well....that wasn't it....i was trying to be nice. At least i told myself that.
Upon further introspection, i realized that i was "pushing him away" by being insulting....i mean, WHAT would be wrong with the ketchup? Like it fucking mattered, you know? I did some more thinking, and i came to the conclusion that--
A: I liked him. And since i liked him, he had the potential to hurt or disappoint me, so i had to squelch that.
B: Due to my uncomfortableness with myself (losing weight but still feel like a fucking whale) i am subconsiously hurting our relationship so that should he reject me, i won't be hurt by it as much...
C:I am terrified of liking someone so much, and since someone as cool/sweet/smart/funny/intelligent as he is is SILLY to want to hitch their star to me....so to reinforce the belief that i am NOT worthy, i am going to fuck it up as much as i can by not allowing him to like me back.
When i came to these conclusions, i began to get upset, and i got the urge to cry...but i didn't, cos tears solve nothing and just make my face feel gooey. I decided to search my soul and flesh out what i was feeling here, because i need to feel like i can at least put this to rights.
What i am feeling is elation coupled with fear and a distinct loathing for self now....I know i know..i was soo positive Saturday! Things get shuffled when one is forced to look at themselves and admit to their shortcomings..and man oh man, does this growing and self-realization hurt.....but it needs to be done. I need to do it, if i am going to be true to myself and look at myself in the mirror with a modicum of integrity. Simple as that.
So Paul--
I apologize for being such a prat and i apologize once again for doubting you when all along it was me that i doubted...you have been nothing but excellent and i have been the horses' ass here...i am truly sorry i hurt your feelings, and i pray that you forgive me....cos you know i care about you and would NEVER want to hurt you....and i know i did...and i am so so so incredibly sorry.
Please forgive me.
B-