Solitude in My Life & A Thought On Marriage

Jun 21, 2012 09:35



If there is anything I love more than my yaoi manga it is solitude... I won't give it up for anything or anyone, it is that important for me.
I love my freedom, I love going to place I like alone, watching alone, reading alone, and enjoy my time to the fullest.

I am so focused on myself that I think this left nothing for a lover. But I have enough friends and I enjoy hanging out with them, so this means I am not an antisocial right? I am a hermit though LOL

While I think relationship is great on the drama, manga, and others life, It seems like I can't apply it on myself. Wonder why...
Most of my friends are so enthusiastic to find their "the other half" but I am not. For me, Love is a blur, how can you know that you love other people? Really truly in love with him/her ? Will you sacrifice for him/her? I would understand If they said they love their mom, sister, or brother.... Is the love between lover is even real? How could you love him/her more than the one that give you life(mom)?

If anything, i think love is sickness, people I know who are in love act like somebody else, like a stranger , they become blind and so forgiving to their partner and spend all the time together. Won't they get bored? I don't spend so much time even if I am with my best friend and she is amazing. I get tired quickly when socializing, but people won't understand when I told them I don't have energy to go out, what the hell

I don't think I could put up with a boyfriend, because It means 24 hours of calls and messages, a lot of dates, a guy who keep tabs on you, where you go, what you eat etc and no time for my self anymore. Being single is better than that. Guys attention is annoying, but I remember that is time at my high school that it made me flattered, Argh, thinking back, it is way too embarrassing.

Maybe a lot of people don't think this way, but, right now, I can't even say I really love myself, and don't hate it. Because I hate a lot of things in myself. And when you don't even love yourself how can you love others? It is like wanting to share foods to others but you don't have anything, so you can't give anything, right?

Besides, I am still young, nineteen years old, and I don't need any boyfriend till I am comfortable with myself, know myself, and do what I want. Right! I am downright selfish :P. But too bad, a lot of people don't think my way, they believe I need a boyfriend, there is a lot of pressure. So what If there is a guy with good personality, good looking, and hardworking chase you, this doesn't mean I need to swoon and declare I love him too. I want my solitude, and It is the end. Fuck off what others want. As Bon Jovi said "IT IS MY LIFE".

I don't think that I would find real love in my life (this is rather ironic coming from the girl who had hoped that there was love in gays life, oh hell, that is in the past), I have observe a lot of people, and I think unfaithfulness is always there, so I won't hope for a faithful relationship (who said the girl has to keep dreaming??), and I think love with flower, sparkle and etc etc don't exist in this world, so I hope I can settle down with a nice guy that is not annoying, and is a nice companion, but that is still years to go till I want to do that. as for the unfaithfulness part, I think I would be loyal to him and only him, of course till he messed up the marriage, and I imagine that If that happen, I would cry and feeling hurt, but I think that is okay, It is like we know everyone will die, but we still cry on their funeral, right? :)
No need to cry over split milk, like a lot of people do, Life is pain in ass, so getting hurt means we are alive.
And I know If unfaithfulness happens, we would felt like being stabbed and cheated on, everyone felt like that, but keep in mind that maybe in the past life you owed him, or he will need to repay you in the next life. Life is like a twisted game.

And there is a chance that I won't settle down too, maybe I would die old alone, and use my time for meditations, learn many language, and do fun activities (but seems like I can't coz my parents will cry everyday If I ever do that *sigh* They would see it as their daughter is not popular among men rather than it is my choice)

Or my parents will nag with omiai everyday till I agree to get married... Well my thought on marriage is rather different from most of the girl right?

I hope my friends and relatives give up to get me a boyfriend! I am still young gals!!!

my life

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