Twenty Ten FTM
Well, now that I got that giant rant out of the way (if interested, see below), here I am!
In 2010 I will become an FTM. Hey... that ryhmes. LOL.
Lately I've been feeling good about it! Mostly I do feel good about it, but sometimes I have my doubts, and combined with the depression I was bitching about in the last entry, it can be devestating to think about transition.
But recently I've been doing A LOT. I'm still continuing therapy, still reading, still discussing it with my girlfriend, I've gone to an FTM support group that was AWESOME, and I made some new FTM friends (some in state, some out of), and, with the encouragment of my girlfriend, aka the lovely Jen, I came out to two close friends!
I wasn't ever nervous of what my friends would say because they're AWESOME, but GAWD, I haven't came out since THE LAST TIME I came out as a lesbian over 10 years ago. When I was 13, flailing around my livingroom, dramatically crying and screaming at my flabbergasted mother that I was gay, it was kind of OK because 13 year olds are known for their theatrics and shocking discoveries.
24 year olds don't flail and scream, and shocking discoveries get harder and harder to pull off as you move further and further into adulthood - in short, it's harder to come out as an adult.
But, as I said, it went really great. My one friend, nicknamed Bird Boobs (in real life), has pretty much known for quite some time, and I never could tell her. The words were like right at the tip of my tongue, but when I went to say them, only air came out. When I told her, she was like FINALLY!!!!!!!! She had been wanting me to tell her while I was trying to figure out so she could help me, which I thought was so sweet. I'm glad she finally knows now.
My other friend, whom I'll call Ladybug, was like DUH. lol. She's not queer (although a strong ally) and didn't know much about trans people. She just thought I'd be changing my name and everyone would call me "he." She was kind of a little shocked when I started explaining to her how far I'd have to go medically to make this happen. (I am planning for chest surgery, I am going to try testosterone, and I will probably end up with a hysto if I continue on T). But, still nonetheless, she was very supportive and happy for me, and eager to learn more. Both of them even want to help me raise money for chest surgery. My friends are great!! --beams with pride--
Last night I was hanging out with Bird Boobs, and a discussion with her really helped me think about a tormenting issue in a new way. I've written about this before, but I've been feeling tremendous guilt about "leaving" being a woman. I think women are so amazing and so, so, sooooooooooooo much stronger than society gives them credit for. So the question haunting me has been: why do I want to give that up?
I've also written about that feminist theory that butch women can't handle being women so they switch to men. That has been a rack of guilt I've been holding myself to also. Bird Boobs pointed out that my wanting to transition hasn't been a product of not being able to "handle" being a woman. I've never complained about being seen as a woman, or how horrible it is to be feminine, or how much I can't stand my breasts (true I don't want them, but I haven't ever said I can't STAND them). All the things that make up a woman aren't terrible to me, actually they're very beautiful and I love and admire them... as long as it's another woman we're talking about.
The fact is not that I can't handle being a woman, but that I simply don't identify as one. When I see my breasts, or when someone calls me Miss or girl or lady, or even if I see a group of really strong women, kick-ass accomplishing something completely awesome... I feel just left of center. A little irregular. A little out of place.
Likewise, when I will be looking at my trans body, I won't be seeing a penis and balls -- at least not one made out of silicone that won't fall off without a strap, duct tape or mighty putty. I won't be seeing a tall, broad-shouldered man. And if I see a group of (cisgendered) men joking and laughing and shoving each other, or with their girlfriend/boyfriend, or just sitting on the subway, taking up space in their manly way that they do, I also feel left of center (maybe even further so because I have no boyhood). Again I feel irregular. Again I feel out of place.
I have found a strong identity within trans. And I know a lot of people's definition of self within trans is varying, but for me, I feel it is somewhat of a third sex. I feel there is absolutely no way that I could ever be one sex or the other.
And one might say, "well, if you're BOTH, why can't you just stay a butch woman?" It's because I DO feel both, and in a woman's body, I don't feel like I will be able to express myself as both. When I transition, I feel that I will have a masculine body. I'll have some facial hair, a deeper voice, and look like a guy. But I will also have giant surgical scars on my chest, nipples with no feeling, and a vagina. And that is what makes me trans. That is what makes me inbetween. That is what creates this third sex, and what doesn't make me a cisgendered man.
I'll be a man that can come out of the men's restroom, meet my girlfriend as she emerges from the women's restroom, and listen to her talk about how she just started her period without flinching -- with empathy, even. A guy that be out on the beach in shorts and shirtless, and can reassure his girlfriend that she looks absolutely stunning in her bathing suit, and MEAN it, because he truely knows what it's like to be in that position of insecurity and he knows that a woman is beautiful even if she isn't a cookie cutter image of a supermodel. A man that can show up at a Women's Rights rally and feel the cause deep within his heart, because he knows the struggle personally. A man that can take a drunk friend home and put her to bed with no ulterior motives, other than just to be sure she is safe.
I'm excited to be trans. I love the idea of the inbetween, and I'm so happy that I will be able to express myself that way. I love the trans symbol, a female sign, male sign, and third sign made up of the two, all connected in a circle. I've never looked at a symbol and felt so empowered by it, and felt that the very design spoke to who I am as a human being.
So that is why I can't continue identifying as a woman. That's why just being a butch woman won't fulfill me anymore. I'm thankful that now I have an answer to that question. If I ever encounter an angry feminist who tells me that I couldn't handle being a woman and that I just want to be a man, I finally have an intelligent response, instead of probably just stammering and having nothing to say. All those feminists, so smart with their theories and everything, are ironically failing to see the picture beyond just "man" and "woman." As it turns out, they might be the ones with some reading to do!
My friends who I've come out to recently may be reading this, and I know my girlfriend is, so I just want to say thanks again for the support. You guys are all amazing, and I wouldn't have the courage or the smarts to continue on this journey without you!!! Love you!
p.s. On a random sidenote... I've kind of become obsessed with hockey.
Later!
In 2010 I will become an FTM. Hey... that ryhmes. LOL.
Lately I've been feeling good about it! Mostly I do feel good about it, but sometimes I have my doubts, and combined with the depression I was bitching about in the last entry, it can be devestating to think about transition.
But recently I've been doing A LOT. I'm still continuing therapy, still reading, still discussing it with my girlfriend, I've gone to an FTM support group that was AWESOME, and I made some new FTM friends (some in state, some out of), and, with the encouragment of my girlfriend, aka the lovely Jen, I came out to two close friends!
I wasn't ever nervous of what my friends would say because they're AWESOME, but GAWD, I haven't came out since THE LAST TIME I came out as a lesbian over 10 years ago. When I was 13, flailing around my livingroom, dramatically crying and screaming at my flabbergasted mother that I was gay, it was kind of OK because 13 year olds are known for their theatrics and shocking discoveries.
24 year olds don't flail and scream, and shocking discoveries get harder and harder to pull off as you move further and further into adulthood - in short, it's harder to come out as an adult.
But, as I said, it went really great. My one friend, nicknamed Bird Boobs (in real life), has pretty much known for quite some time, and I never could tell her. The words were like right at the tip of my tongue, but when I went to say them, only air came out. When I told her, she was like FINALLY!!!!!!!! She had been wanting me to tell her while I was trying to figure out so she could help me, which I thought was so sweet. I'm glad she finally knows now.
My other friend, whom I'll call Ladybug, was like DUH. lol. She's not queer (although a strong ally) and didn't know much about trans people. She just thought I'd be changing my name and everyone would call me "he." She was kind of a little shocked when I started explaining to her how far I'd have to go medically to make this happen. (I am planning for chest surgery, I am going to try testosterone, and I will probably end up with a hysto if I continue on T). But, still nonetheless, she was very supportive and happy for me, and eager to learn more. Both of them even want to help me raise money for chest surgery. My friends are great!! --beams with pride--
Last night I was hanging out with Bird Boobs, and a discussion with her really helped me think about a tormenting issue in a new way. I've written about this before, but I've been feeling tremendous guilt about "leaving" being a woman. I think women are so amazing and so, so, sooooooooooooo much stronger than society gives them credit for. So the question haunting me has been: why do I want to give that up?
I've also written about that feminist theory that butch women can't handle being women so they switch to men. That has been a rack of guilt I've been holding myself to also. Bird Boobs pointed out that my wanting to transition hasn't been a product of not being able to "handle" being a woman. I've never complained about being seen as a woman, or how horrible it is to be feminine, or how much I can't stand my breasts (true I don't want them, but I haven't ever said I can't STAND them). All the things that make up a woman aren't terrible to me, actually they're very beautiful and I love and admire them... as long as it's another woman we're talking about.
The fact is not that I can't handle being a woman, but that I simply don't identify as one. When I see my breasts, or when someone calls me Miss or girl or lady, or even if I see a group of really strong women, kick-ass accomplishing something completely awesome... I feel just left of center. A little irregular. A little out of place.
Likewise, when I will be looking at my trans body, I won't be seeing a penis and balls -- at least not one made out of silicone that won't fall off without a strap, duct tape or mighty putty. I won't be seeing a tall, broad-shouldered man. And if I see a group of (cisgendered) men joking and laughing and shoving each other, or with their girlfriend/boyfriend, or just sitting on the subway, taking up space in their manly way that they do, I also feel left of center (maybe even further so because I have no boyhood). Again I feel irregular. Again I feel out of place.
I have found a strong identity within trans. And I know a lot of people's definition of self within trans is varying, but for me, I feel it is somewhat of a third sex. I feel there is absolutely no way that I could ever be one sex or the other.
And one might say, "well, if you're BOTH, why can't you just stay a butch woman?" It's because I DO feel both, and in a woman's body, I don't feel like I will be able to express myself as both. When I transition, I feel that I will have a masculine body. I'll have some facial hair, a deeper voice, and look like a guy. But I will also have giant surgical scars on my chest, nipples with no feeling, and a vagina. And that is what makes me trans. That is what makes me inbetween. That is what creates this third sex, and what doesn't make me a cisgendered man.
I'll be a man that can come out of the men's restroom, meet my girlfriend as she emerges from the women's restroom, and listen to her talk about how she just started her period without flinching -- with empathy, even. A guy that be out on the beach in shorts and shirtless, and can reassure his girlfriend that she looks absolutely stunning in her bathing suit, and MEAN it, because he truely knows what it's like to be in that position of insecurity and he knows that a woman is beautiful even if she isn't a cookie cutter image of a supermodel. A man that can show up at a Women's Rights rally and feel the cause deep within his heart, because he knows the struggle personally. A man that can take a drunk friend home and put her to bed with no ulterior motives, other than just to be sure she is safe.
I'm excited to be trans. I love the idea of the inbetween, and I'm so happy that I will be able to express myself that way. I love the trans symbol, a female sign, male sign, and third sign made up of the two, all connected in a circle. I've never looked at a symbol and felt so empowered by it, and felt that the very design spoke to who I am as a human being.
So that is why I can't continue identifying as a woman. That's why just being a butch woman won't fulfill me anymore. I'm thankful that now I have an answer to that question. If I ever encounter an angry feminist who tells me that I couldn't handle being a woman and that I just want to be a man, I finally have an intelligent response, instead of probably just stammering and having nothing to say. All those feminists, so smart with their theories and everything, are ironically failing to see the picture beyond just "man" and "woman." As it turns out, they might be the ones with some reading to do!
My friends who I've come out to recently may be reading this, and I know my girlfriend is, so I just want to say thanks again for the support. You guys are all amazing, and I wouldn't have the courage or the smarts to continue on this journey without you!!! Love you!
p.s. On a random sidenote... I've kind of become obsessed with hockey.
Later!