This past weekend.
Hello!
This past weekend was uh-mazing.
Well, first off all I was just so glad it was effing Friday. I had a long day work. A longgggg day. And I eagerly greeted the weekend with two of my favorite things: good friends and good beer!
I hit up the awesome happy hour at The Devil's Den, a great pub with a real (read: actual logs, not gas) fireplace and a fantastic selection of brews. The happy hour is so great because all the amazing beers are half off, and you can get a flight for $4! (I had a Czech pilsner called Bear Republic that was AWESOME).
Much to my surprise, I learned that three other (cisgendered) guys were to be joining me and my friend FB (a cisgendered guy). I usually hang out with mostly women, in fact (and unfortunately) FB is my only close guy friend - of the cisgendered and trans variety (although I'm hoping to change that soon). So finding myself among four straight twenty-something guys is a rare opportunity that I decided to seie... in a different way than normal.
I was lucky that 2 of the guys didn't know me at all, and 2 of the guys basically see me as a dude with tits (I'm currently still identifying as a masculine woman, and my boobs are too big to bind and they're usually extremely sensitive and hurt a lot so it's just easier for me to be presenting as a butch lesbian at the moment). During the 2 or 3 hours that I had beers with the guys, I was 99% seen as male and it was kind of like passing without being out (I'm not out as trans yet to any friends... and I hate the word passing but that's a whole other journal entry).
I really, for the first time, let myself be male... and, I didn't so much like it. Since I've begun on this journey, I've grown closer to and feel that identity is that of a queer, transmale, and not of a straight male.
The conversation turned to chicks' boobs, hot teachers, fucking vaginas and hooking up with girls and tits this and ass that and all the stuff that bores me, insults me, angers me and to which I'm no saint and have objectified women in my 10 years as a lesbian (I even have, on occasion, earned the nickname 'dirty old man')... but it just felt wrong. It felt just as wrong as when I sit in a group full of women and casual conversation turns to hairstyles, or shopping, or parenting, or whatever (although I do realize that these are all stereotypes and a lot of men and women are interested in a ton of different, more intelligent topics of conversation, but being among people of these genders in my 23 years, I've noticed reoccuring topics of conversation).
The only difference between the wrong of the men and the wrong of the women is that the women aren't dehumanizing anyone -- in this country, at least. There is some poor child in Bangledesh that worked 18 hours and crushed two fingers to make the cute purse of discussion...
At times it felt GREAT to be around the male energy. While I adore women, especially the ones in my life, I find that male energy is so much more relaxed and more "my pace." But as with women, somehow I felt like I just slightly didn't fit with the men.
I know that I'm basing this off one experience... well, kind of. I've been the only girl around guys who have also seen me as masculine and have said all kinds of crazy raunchy things, it's happened quite a bit. The only thing that was different about this time was that I was also letting myself fully be "male" in the moment, but I realize I was doing it just to fit in and it wasn't me. However, when I'm with a bunch of dudes in a situation of being the only [masculine] girl, I feel a need to soften their harsh masculinity with whatever trace amounts of femininity I still have... and that never feels right either.
Sigh... it's complicated stuff, right?
Well so anyway, Saturday was date night for me and the lovely Jen. We went out to a fancy restaurant that I had a giftcard for and then she took me to a surprise show! The show actually turned out to be called "Becoming a Man in 127 Easy Steps" and the artist, Scott Turner Schofield actually turned out to be a transmale! (My girlfriend is the best!)
The show was great. If it comes to your city, I highly, highly, highly recommend it. Turner is like a little kid who invites you into his magical, mystical world of gender. Take away the books, take away the articles and the videos and the photos and all that an add one crazy, acrobatic artist, some toys and a fort that covers the entire audience and then you can really begin to understand what it means to be trans!
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! If you hate surprises ruined and plan on seeing the show, please skip the next paragraph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first thing Turner does is get completely buck-ass naked in front of the entire audience. He explains his trans body and displays it for everyone to see. After the initial shock subsides (which only lasts a few seconds), you get to see transness right in front of you. It's not a photo, a drawing or painting, a porn, or a facebook-DIY-mirror shot. Here was a man, a transman, with no clothes on with small boobs and a vagina that still was every bit a man, and wasn't scared to admit it.
It was very reaffirming. I mean, I can look at a million images and still feel uncertain -- but seeing an actual person that I could touch if I reached my hand out far enough, seeing a person that I could look in the eyes, naked and exposed, unflinching in his own body -- now that told me it was going be ok.
SPOILERT ALERT OVER!!!!!!!!!
The rest of the show was funny and beautiful, emotional and quirky. It was really great and Turner is quite the acrobat!
Later that night the lovely Jen and I came home after some post-show cocktails and we made really passionate, amazing love. It was the first time that I let myself make love in a trans body. It was so, so, so amazing. I love her enough that I'm able to lose myself in the moment most times when we're together, but I felt a wholeness that was unlike any other feeling. It felt so right that I was trans! I felt so sexy and so great in my body -- nobody elses, nor any projections of anyone elses -- my queer, transmale yummy different body!!! (And for the record, I think the lovely Jen thought so too... :))
So obviously I've been making leaps and bounds in terms of coming to the realization that I am meant to be a trans person -- I think leaps and bounds might actually be an understatement. I'm like spiderman swinging from tall buildings!
I've come to terms with coming out to family and friends. I'm actually anxious to tell them. I just would like to go through counseling for a few more months to work out some other issues and to make sure I'm making a sound decision. (My therapist is a wonderful transexual woman whom I admire and am so grateful to be under the care of).
I still have a lot of fears and doubts, but they are starting to be overshadowed by my excitement and sense of self that is starting to bloom.
The main thing that I feel like is that I feel immensely guilty and a little sad to be leaving my butch lesbian identity behind. Although not sexually attracted to them, I feel like butch women are so amazingly strong and horrendously sexy. I love looking at them! However, I do feel that my transmale identity is closer to who I really am than a butch lesbian and the guilt I feel is deeply rooted in a lot of issues I have that I feel like I'm betraying women everywhere by changing my body to present as male. I actually feel like it's a very thin line.
A lot of lesbians have described "butch flight," a strange theory that butch women can't hang as lesbians and are desperate to change into men.
Sigh.
So many transgressive butch women have many hang ups about their sexuality. Some abhor their breasts, being penetrated, and anything that out-right feminizes them. As a [current] butch lesbian, I call into that camp. What is it that's making me want to make the final push into maleness? What is it about butches that makes them not want to make the final step if they're already so unhappy being women?
Perhaps through all the hang-ups they are fiercely proud that they're women. A lot of people speculate that with cosmetic surgery and access to testosterone becoming so common, that butches are kind of becoming extinct, that all butches "flee." I honestly have no idea, but I do feel like a guilty party to butch flight. I don't ever want a butch women to assume that I think I'm better than her, or that their masculinity isn't valid because they still identify as a woman. Other than a pronoun, some boobs, and deeper voice and a few extra hairs, how different are butches and trans guys -- really? I think that butches are closer to transguys than cisgendered men are! And I'm really sorry if this is trampling on anyone's desires or identity to be or be just like cisgendered men, but this is just what I think! This is my livejournal after all, isn't it?
Anyway, in other news, I've also recently come out to myself about the fact that I FUCKING LOVE FRENCH FRIES!!!
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
Thanks for reading :)
This past weekend was uh-mazing.
Well, first off all I was just so glad it was effing Friday. I had a long day work. A longgggg day. And I eagerly greeted the weekend with two of my favorite things: good friends and good beer!
I hit up the awesome happy hour at The Devil's Den, a great pub with a real (read: actual logs, not gas) fireplace and a fantastic selection of brews. The happy hour is so great because all the amazing beers are half off, and you can get a flight for $4! (I had a Czech pilsner called Bear Republic that was AWESOME).
Much to my surprise, I learned that three other (cisgendered) guys were to be joining me and my friend FB (a cisgendered guy). I usually hang out with mostly women, in fact (and unfortunately) FB is my only close guy friend - of the cisgendered and trans variety (although I'm hoping to change that soon). So finding myself among four straight twenty-something guys is a rare opportunity that I decided to seie... in a different way than normal.
I was lucky that 2 of the guys didn't know me at all, and 2 of the guys basically see me as a dude with tits (I'm currently still identifying as a masculine woman, and my boobs are too big to bind and they're usually extremely sensitive and hurt a lot so it's just easier for me to be presenting as a butch lesbian at the moment). During the 2 or 3 hours that I had beers with the guys, I was 99% seen as male and it was kind of like passing without being out (I'm not out as trans yet to any friends... and I hate the word passing but that's a whole other journal entry).
I really, for the first time, let myself be male... and, I didn't so much like it. Since I've begun on this journey, I've grown closer to and feel that identity is that of a queer, transmale, and not of a straight male.
The conversation turned to chicks' boobs, hot teachers, fucking vaginas and hooking up with girls and tits this and ass that and all the stuff that bores me, insults me, angers me and to which I'm no saint and have objectified women in my 10 years as a lesbian (I even have, on occasion, earned the nickname 'dirty old man')... but it just felt wrong. It felt just as wrong as when I sit in a group full of women and casual conversation turns to hairstyles, or shopping, or parenting, or whatever (although I do realize that these are all stereotypes and a lot of men and women are interested in a ton of different, more intelligent topics of conversation, but being among people of these genders in my 23 years, I've noticed reoccuring topics of conversation).
The only difference between the wrong of the men and the wrong of the women is that the women aren't dehumanizing anyone -- in this country, at least. There is some poor child in Bangledesh that worked 18 hours and crushed two fingers to make the cute purse of discussion...
At times it felt GREAT to be around the male energy. While I adore women, especially the ones in my life, I find that male energy is so much more relaxed and more "my pace." But as with women, somehow I felt like I just slightly didn't fit with the men.
I know that I'm basing this off one experience... well, kind of. I've been the only girl around guys who have also seen me as masculine and have said all kinds of crazy raunchy things, it's happened quite a bit. The only thing that was different about this time was that I was also letting myself fully be "male" in the moment, but I realize I was doing it just to fit in and it wasn't me. However, when I'm with a bunch of dudes in a situation of being the only [masculine] girl, I feel a need to soften their harsh masculinity with whatever trace amounts of femininity I still have... and that never feels right either.
Sigh... it's complicated stuff, right?
Well so anyway, Saturday was date night for me and the lovely Jen. We went out to a fancy restaurant that I had a giftcard for and then she took me to a surprise show! The show actually turned out to be called "Becoming a Man in 127 Easy Steps" and the artist, Scott Turner Schofield actually turned out to be a transmale! (My girlfriend is the best!)
The show was great. If it comes to your city, I highly, highly, highly recommend it. Turner is like a little kid who invites you into his magical, mystical world of gender. Take away the books, take away the articles and the videos and the photos and all that an add one crazy, acrobatic artist, some toys and a fort that covers the entire audience and then you can really begin to understand what it means to be trans!
SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! If you hate surprises ruined and plan on seeing the show, please skip the next paragraph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first thing Turner does is get completely buck-ass naked in front of the entire audience. He explains his trans body and displays it for everyone to see. After the initial shock subsides (which only lasts a few seconds), you get to see transness right in front of you. It's not a photo, a drawing or painting, a porn, or a facebook-DIY-mirror shot. Here was a man, a transman, with no clothes on with small boobs and a vagina that still was every bit a man, and wasn't scared to admit it.
It was very reaffirming. I mean, I can look at a million images and still feel uncertain -- but seeing an actual person that I could touch if I reached my hand out far enough, seeing a person that I could look in the eyes, naked and exposed, unflinching in his own body -- now that told me it was going be ok.
SPOILERT ALERT OVER!!!!!!!!!
The rest of the show was funny and beautiful, emotional and quirky. It was really great and Turner is quite the acrobat!
Later that night the lovely Jen and I came home after some post-show cocktails and we made really passionate, amazing love. It was the first time that I let myself make love in a trans body. It was so, so, so amazing. I love her enough that I'm able to lose myself in the moment most times when we're together, but I felt a wholeness that was unlike any other feeling. It felt so right that I was trans! I felt so sexy and so great in my body -- nobody elses, nor any projections of anyone elses -- my queer, transmale yummy different body!!! (And for the record, I think the lovely Jen thought so too... :))
So obviously I've been making leaps and bounds in terms of coming to the realization that I am meant to be a trans person -- I think leaps and bounds might actually be an understatement. I'm like spiderman swinging from tall buildings!
I've come to terms with coming out to family and friends. I'm actually anxious to tell them. I just would like to go through counseling for a few more months to work out some other issues and to make sure I'm making a sound decision. (My therapist is a wonderful transexual woman whom I admire and am so grateful to be under the care of).
I still have a lot of fears and doubts, but they are starting to be overshadowed by my excitement and sense of self that is starting to bloom.
The main thing that I feel like is that I feel immensely guilty and a little sad to be leaving my butch lesbian identity behind. Although not sexually attracted to them, I feel like butch women are so amazingly strong and horrendously sexy. I love looking at them! However, I do feel that my transmale identity is closer to who I really am than a butch lesbian and the guilt I feel is deeply rooted in a lot of issues I have that I feel like I'm betraying women everywhere by changing my body to present as male. I actually feel like it's a very thin line.
A lot of lesbians have described "butch flight," a strange theory that butch women can't hang as lesbians and are desperate to change into men.
Sigh.
So many transgressive butch women have many hang ups about their sexuality. Some abhor their breasts, being penetrated, and anything that out-right feminizes them. As a [current] butch lesbian, I call into that camp. What is it that's making me want to make the final push into maleness? What is it about butches that makes them not want to make the final step if they're already so unhappy being women?
Perhaps through all the hang-ups they are fiercely proud that they're women. A lot of people speculate that with cosmetic surgery and access to testosterone becoming so common, that butches are kind of becoming extinct, that all butches "flee." I honestly have no idea, but I do feel like a guilty party to butch flight. I don't ever want a butch women to assume that I think I'm better than her, or that their masculinity isn't valid because they still identify as a woman. Other than a pronoun, some boobs, and deeper voice and a few extra hairs, how different are butches and trans guys -- really? I think that butches are closer to transguys than cisgendered men are! And I'm really sorry if this is trampling on anyone's desires or identity to be or be just like cisgendered men, but this is just what I think! This is my livejournal after all, isn't it?
Anyway, in other news, I've also recently come out to myself about the fact that I FUCKING LOVE FRENCH FRIES!!!
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
Thanks for reading :)