Thoughts...
Well, first thing this morning I found out one of my best friends from Florida, Cindy (1-20), got into a motorcyle accident and was killed. Then, I went to celebrate my birthday (1-31) and my friend Rose's birthday (1-29) with some of our favorite people whom I haven't seen in forever (Mark, Bree, Tom, Justin, and Mike)...As busy as people have been (myself included), I am glad that we were all able to get together to to spend at least a few hours together eating at the Olive Garden. I really miss hanging out with these people...I do. These people have been supportive of me for as long as I have known them and through the rockiest of times. They are the most loyal friends I know. I hope that I have shown them the same loyalty. I really would have liked to spend more time with these people this evening...Especially today after finding out Cindy died. I have been too busy to visit her and I regret it. I haven't seen Cindy in six years. I thought I had time...Now, I feel that life is more volatile than I had thought originally...There may not be a tomorrow...
I have had some alarming health issues that have made me think that I my not wake up the next morning...The sudden swelling that occurred about half way through the fall semester and continues to occur at this very moment in my whole body with my arms and legs being adversely affected(I can barely walk on my feet at this point) could be related to anything, but then dizziness, lightheadedness, chest pains, shortness of breath, and palpitations exist (anxiety possibly, but then there is swelling and it is speculated that causes could be Congestive Heart Failure, Kidney Failure, Cancer)...I had a cardiac work up in blood tests, but my PCP thought I should see a cardiologist because she wants to be sure she didn't miss anything and perhaps further testing would be ordered that is not present at the office...Also, a concern is a sudden drop in weight and I mean SUDDEN! I lost 5lbs in a week without exercising (I sit at this computer all the time) and consuming a TON...and I mean a TON of food (take out food, high fat food, high calorie food, more than three meals a day kind of food)...Actually, I believe that I have lost even more weight...I am not sure how!!!! I suppose it is time to check one system at a time...
Cindy had a favorite quote..." DWELL NOT IN THE PAST LIVE EACH DAY FULLY IT MAY BE YOUR LAST!!!!!"
I am glad for all the friends I have found in my life...I even went to Greene's tonight to see if Emily was still there to wish her a happy birthday...No luck...No one was there.
I probably should not be alone tonight...
I have been alone alot lately (without human contact-Saber is always here) and it has been getting to me. Being alone is essential for me, but so is hanging out with people. I don't know how to explain this. When I am with people here at the college, I feel very connected with many individual friends and among groups of friends that I have made during my time at SUNY Oswego and at the same time I feel disconnected. I do not get bits of conversation because I am not from the era (I have about 6-10+ years on people) or have not been exposed to the conversation content and I feel stupid when I do not understand immediately...Also, the racing thoughts get in the way of retrieving and following conversations that sometimes fustrates others especially when I remember information part way through their retelling...Maybe, it is better to stay lost and pretend I know what's going on...The problem is that I am really interested to know when I ask...Another factor is that my memory was once excellent (Both Auditory and Visual), but I know people would not believe me. I could hear and/or see anything once and have it exactly word for word. I have noticed that after 25, my memory has declined probably due to the reduction of myelin that begins after the age of 20. All the medications that I have been on can contribute to memory problems and physical problems.
Cindy and I were going through the same things with regard to physical and mental disorders and I feel that I lost someone who wasn't constantly judging and criticizing me...My behavior was not "weird," "strange," or "threatening" to her...The physical pain that occurred was real unlike others who seem to think it is in my head. I only wish! I use my head to get rid of both mental and physical pain. She understood me...Out of all the people in this world that I consider myself to be close to, I think that she is the only one that ever truly understood me (i.e. what happens to the thought process of bipolar person and what happens to people with endometriosis) I could do and tell her anything. I try to be free by doing and telling the other people in my life that I feel close to, but I often get negative feedback (Disproval, disgust, irritation, avoidance...).
She told me I was fun...We had a blast! We never got to go to Cedar Point or Bush Gardens together. She loved thrill rides like me! We were even going to go to Disney World.
Ok, I need to go now...I am just getting more depressed...I am going to drown in homework for the next year or until I die..
I have had some alarming health issues that have made me think that I my not wake up the next morning...The sudden swelling that occurred about half way through the fall semester and continues to occur at this very moment in my whole body with my arms and legs being adversely affected(I can barely walk on my feet at this point) could be related to anything, but then dizziness, lightheadedness, chest pains, shortness of breath, and palpitations exist (anxiety possibly, but then there is swelling and it is speculated that causes could be Congestive Heart Failure, Kidney Failure, Cancer)...I had a cardiac work up in blood tests, but my PCP thought I should see a cardiologist because she wants to be sure she didn't miss anything and perhaps further testing would be ordered that is not present at the office...Also, a concern is a sudden drop in weight and I mean SUDDEN! I lost 5lbs in a week without exercising (I sit at this computer all the time) and consuming a TON...and I mean a TON of food (take out food, high fat food, high calorie food, more than three meals a day kind of food)...Actually, I believe that I have lost even more weight...I am not sure how!!!! I suppose it is time to check one system at a time...
Cindy had a favorite quote..." DWELL NOT IN THE PAST LIVE EACH DAY FULLY IT MAY BE YOUR LAST!!!!!"
I am glad for all the friends I have found in my life...I even went to Greene's tonight to see if Emily was still there to wish her a happy birthday...No luck...No one was there.
I probably should not be alone tonight...
I have been alone alot lately (without human contact-Saber is always here) and it has been getting to me. Being alone is essential for me, but so is hanging out with people. I don't know how to explain this. When I am with people here at the college, I feel very connected with many individual friends and among groups of friends that I have made during my time at SUNY Oswego and at the same time I feel disconnected. I do not get bits of conversation because I am not from the era (I have about 6-10+ years on people) or have not been exposed to the conversation content and I feel stupid when I do not understand immediately...Also, the racing thoughts get in the way of retrieving and following conversations that sometimes fustrates others especially when I remember information part way through their retelling...Maybe, it is better to stay lost and pretend I know what's going on...The problem is that I am really interested to know when I ask...Another factor is that my memory was once excellent (Both Auditory and Visual), but I know people would not believe me. I could hear and/or see anything once and have it exactly word for word. I have noticed that after 25, my memory has declined probably due to the reduction of myelin that begins after the age of 20. All the medications that I have been on can contribute to memory problems and physical problems.
Cindy and I were going through the same things with regard to physical and mental disorders and I feel that I lost someone who wasn't constantly judging and criticizing me...My behavior was not "weird," "strange," or "threatening" to her...The physical pain that occurred was real unlike others who seem to think it is in my head. I only wish! I use my head to get rid of both mental and physical pain. She understood me...Out of all the people in this world that I consider myself to be close to, I think that she is the only one that ever truly understood me (i.e. what happens to the thought process of bipolar person and what happens to people with endometriosis) I could do and tell her anything. I try to be free by doing and telling the other people in my life that I feel close to, but I often get negative feedback (Disproval, disgust, irritation, avoidance...).
She told me I was fun...We had a blast! We never got to go to Cedar Point or Bush Gardens together. She loved thrill rides like me! We were even going to go to Disney World.
Ok, I need to go now...I am just getting more depressed...I am going to drown in homework for the next year or until I die..