Yes i fully recall those words well, they flit through my mind far more often than i want.
Perhaps i had worder it incorrectly; i was trying to say that i had not made friends with people without having others been the catalyst or keystone in those friendships; not once have i taken an action that resulted in any sort of friendship. ALL of my friends were made via other people introducing me to them and then things just flowing well. I do not look for random peopel to walk up to and ask if they would be my friend; but rather want to go up to someone and start conversation with and become friends with them because I took that first step. Not once have i taken the first step and made friends; that isnt to say i havent taken that first step before; just to say i hadnt succeeded in making a friend via that way. Which places a shadowy cloud over my actions; and causes me to doubt if i CAN make friends or whether i am to only make friends through other people introducing me. Of course i understand that i have the capability to make friends without someone else being the lynchstone of the new friendship; to assume otherwise would be ridciulous. I went and had lunch with the brothers gf cause she is interesting and its always fun to talk with new people about other countries; especially asian countries. as mean as i sound; i usually only sound that way for one of two reasons; either i dont like taht person or i dont care about thier opinion of me. for those whose opinions of me truly matter; i speak generally in kind manners; unless of course they are a really close friend and i dont feel like i have to gaurd my tongue and keep my words in check. for those i care about/value thier opinions i am the epitomy of kindness. originally i was nothing but nice to alisha as i cared about her and her thoughts of me; likewise i was kind to jesse and willy (as i valued thier thoughts and opinions) and likewise iwth connor and katherine, my co-workers from friendlies; my neighbors; people whom i went to church with; wayne/stacy/sara; i am actively nice to these people and dont have to watch what i say cause i have nothing bad to say to/about these people....but (this next part is a revelation i am having right now and may sound harsh/mean but thats not my intent) everyone else has hurt me before and upset me and i dont feel as though i should care what i say to them; i dont care if my words hurt them; granted it usually isnt my intention to hurt them; but nor do i care if i do. and once them do something to upset/hurt me i no longer care about thier opinions as much.... Revelation over? as for the peopel who come to the apartment that i dont know; i dont think i am 'mean towards them' though i am not as kind as i am towards the people on the good list; i dont think i say thing directly to upset them....now i think i am ranting and not focused anymore.....anyway back to the maine point of the post(s); i suppose what i need to do then isnt just make new friends but rather find peopel that i can be friends with and that wont seemingly purposefully upset me and not seem to care....i dont know for sure right now.....
That was my musing; its a possibilty that i subconciously dont gaurd my thoughts and words when i speak to those who have done things that have hurt/upset me and thus deserve some amount of scorn or negative feelings returned? I do not think you deserve my being mean and in no way shape or form do i try to be mean to you. Sometimes things i say to you; while not trying to be mean come out as mean because i do not fel as though i should gaurd what i say towards you and be less than honest......maybe i speak freely around those i sometimes sound mean towards because i have to reason to be less than honest with them; because i have no reason to speak with deciet or falsehoods hidden.... and maybe those to whom i speak kindly with gentleness i speak towards merit that form of speech because of thier speech? Maybe i speak with honesty with those who speak so honestly with me; and gently with those who speak gently....i will ponder that for today....
As for definition of "friendship"; i woudl define it as such: The relationship between people where the peopel involved can speak freely and without need for deciet; where help is freely offered and where those involved can ask for help or assistance without fear of recrimination or worry. Where they are honest with each other and are willing to help each other as needed.
Keep in mind this isnt a good defination nor is it marion websters; but it is how i see 'freindship'.
Perhaps i had worder it incorrectly; i was trying to say that i had not made friends with people without having others been the catalyst or keystone in those friendships; not once have i taken an action that resulted in any sort of friendship. ALL of my friends were made via other people introducing me to them and then things just flowing well. I do not look for random peopel to walk up to and ask if they would be my friend; but rather want to go up to someone and start conversation with and become friends with them because I took that first step. Not once have i taken the first step and made friends; that isnt to say i havent taken that first step before; just to say i hadnt succeeded in making a friend via that way. Which places a shadowy cloud over my actions; and causes me to doubt if i CAN make friends or whether i am to only make friends through other people introducing me. Of course i understand that i have the capability to make friends without someone else being the lynchstone of the new friendship; to assume otherwise would be ridciulous. I went and had lunch with the brothers gf cause she is interesting and its always fun to talk with new people about other countries; especially asian countries. as mean as i sound; i usually only sound that way for one of two reasons; either i dont like taht person or i dont care about thier opinion of me. for those whose opinions of me truly matter; i speak generally in kind manners; unless of course they are a really close friend and i dont feel like i have to gaurd my tongue and keep my words in check. for those i care about/value thier opinions i am the epitomy of kindness. originally i was nothing but nice to alisha as i cared about her and her thoughts of me; likewise i was kind to jesse and willy (as i valued thier thoughts and opinions) and likewise iwth connor and katherine, my co-workers from friendlies; my neighbors; people whom i went to church with; wayne/stacy/sara; i am actively nice to these people and dont have to watch what i say cause i have nothing bad to say to/about these people....but (this next part is a revelation i am having right now and may sound harsh/mean but thats not my intent) everyone else has hurt me before and upset me and i dont feel as though i should care what i say to them; i dont care if my words hurt them; granted it usually isnt my intention to hurt them; but nor do i care if i do. and once them do something to upset/hurt me i no longer care about thier opinions as much....
Revelation over?
as for the peopel who come to the apartment that i dont know; i dont think i am 'mean towards them' though i am not as kind as i am towards the people on the good list; i dont think i say thing directly to upset them....now i think i am ranting and not focused anymore.....anyway back to the maine point of the post(s); i suppose what i need to do then isnt just make new friends but rather find peopel that i can be friends with and that wont seemingly purposefully upset me and not seem to care....i dont know for sure right now.....
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hm, define 'friendship' in your journal. I will do the same in mine.
Reply
As for definition of "friendship"; i woudl define it as such: The relationship between people where the peopel involved can speak freely and without need for deciet; where help is freely offered and where those involved can ask for help or assistance without fear of recrimination or worry. Where they are honest with each other and are willing to help each other as needed.
Keep in mind this isnt a good defination nor is it marion websters; but it is how i see 'freindship'.
Reply
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