Lonely?
My last post? That was the hardest word to include. "Lonely".
Because it invokes a storm of protest. It feels like an attack, I think. Like I've said something about YOU.
Please resist any reaction to the discomfort of just sitting with the idea, for a moment, that I might be deeply, profoundly lonely, and that it might not have anything to do with you.
It might not be about if you call me, or how often. Or your willingness to hang out. Or your wish that we could be closer. My feeling lonely despite your availability and/or proximity (real or aspirational) might not be a reflection on you at all.
In fact, it isn't.
I am lonely because I can't connect - except fleetingly, flinchingly - with life-force though the medium of other life forms. Well, human life forms.
Well, living human life forms.
I do fine with animals, and the dead.
I want to want connection but, honestly, interaction is hard for me. And that is about ME. MY way of being - my energy system, my energetic hygiene, my defaults and patterns and body-learnings and inherited phobias - intersects un-smoothly with most normal human social behavior.
This isn't a whine. Or a plea. It's a noticing. Because this is the way I notice things - I write them down. I suspect a predisposition to a sort of essential, intrinsic loneliness may just be a part of the wiring I'm adapting to in this lifetime. But I can surf any set of circumstances with more grace and integrity if I understand those circumstances.
There can be strategies. And space. I can grapple with what I can grasp.
I've set an intention to bring "fun, nourishing friendships" into my life. I planted that intention, along with a couple of others, in a little ritual of manifestation magic along with a bat-faced cuphea plant.
Which has since died.
I'm working on staying out of mythic space around that fact. Just gonna pick a hardier plant, re-write my intentions, and do the ritual again.
I'm willing to accept the idea that Lonely may be a part of Who I Am. Even a big part - I've got more to say on the important place held by intentional (or at least acquiescent) solitaries in the social mix. But I'm enough of a witch to know that Lonely doesn't have to be What I Do.
If I don't want "enough", does that mean I can't have any?
New forms. New rules. Part of the work of this year.
Welcome Air.
Because it invokes a storm of protest. It feels like an attack, I think. Like I've said something about YOU.
Please resist any reaction to the discomfort of just sitting with the idea, for a moment, that I might be deeply, profoundly lonely, and that it might not have anything to do with you.
It might not be about if you call me, or how often. Or your willingness to hang out. Or your wish that we could be closer. My feeling lonely despite your availability and/or proximity (real or aspirational) might not be a reflection on you at all.
In fact, it isn't.
I am lonely because I can't connect - except fleetingly, flinchingly - with life-force though the medium of other life forms. Well, human life forms.
Well, living human life forms.
I do fine with animals, and the dead.
I want to want connection but, honestly, interaction is hard for me. And that is about ME. MY way of being - my energy system, my energetic hygiene, my defaults and patterns and body-learnings and inherited phobias - intersects un-smoothly with most normal human social behavior.
This isn't a whine. Or a plea. It's a noticing. Because this is the way I notice things - I write them down. I suspect a predisposition to a sort of essential, intrinsic loneliness may just be a part of the wiring I'm adapting to in this lifetime. But I can surf any set of circumstances with more grace and integrity if I understand those circumstances.
There can be strategies. And space. I can grapple with what I can grasp.
I've set an intention to bring "fun, nourishing friendships" into my life. I planted that intention, along with a couple of others, in a little ritual of manifestation magic along with a bat-faced cuphea plant.
Which has since died.
I'm working on staying out of mythic space around that fact. Just gonna pick a hardier plant, re-write my intentions, and do the ritual again.
I'm willing to accept the idea that Lonely may be a part of Who I Am. Even a big part - I've got more to say on the important place held by intentional (or at least acquiescent) solitaries in the social mix. But I'm enough of a witch to know that Lonely doesn't have to be What I Do.
If I don't want "enough", does that mean I can't have any?
New forms. New rules. Part of the work of this year.
Welcome Air.