Wish I could fix my brain
I am one screwed up bag of shit. The only friends I have left are my husband and children. And my children have their own lives. I have so severely cut myself off from the world and other people.
My brain loves to tell me how no one wants to talk to me, everyone thinks I’m an idiot, everything I do is stupid and useless, and I am good for nothing. I quit trying a long time ago. I quit working on any and all friendships I had.
This became really clear to me December 26th, 2020.
I go to work every day no matter how shit I feel. I go to the grocery store every Saturday morning, getting up at the same time I go to work during the week so that I can get there as soon as they open to get what’s needed and get the fuck out. But those are the only places I go unless my husband or adult children need me for something else. I do not have social media of any kind, except this now really old LJ I haven’t been on in years as I really don’t like drama and my brain tells me no one wants me anyway.
December 26th however was different. I got up, got ready, and got dressed to go to the store and then opened my bedroom door to tell my husband I was leaving. He was actually awake which is not normal. He said “Charlie posted at midnight that Becky passed away. I wanted you to know just in case you saw someone who knew her.”
Becky had just turned 48 in October.
Becky was one of the first and closest friends I had upon moving to Arkansas just before I turned 15. I spent most of my teen years in her family’s house. It was an escape. My only place in those years I felt normal. The only person in those years I didn’t feel unworthy of love and kindness. Her parents were a revelation. She never judged, she never thought there was anything wrong with my fucked up self. She was the only female friend I had at the time who accepted me as I was.
In our late teens she started having health issues. She didn’t die from Covid. She died because the health issues became severe. She spent most of her adult life in a lot of pain going from one procedure to the next. We lived only about 16 to 20 miles from each other all of these years, but I have only seen her a few times in the last 24 years because my head told me she didn’t need me and I would only be a bother.
I missed a lot. I lost a lot. I am in more pain than I would have been if I had worked on seeing her as much as I could and I hate myself for how screwed up I am.
I had another friend whom I have neglected for the last 4 years because her sister moved here and my brain told me I would only be in the way of them having fun together. She has now moved back to be close to her son and grandbaby. I think 3 times a week at least I should call. Then my brain says “she hates you” and “your shit” so I don’t.
I have destroyed this friendship as well because I am a shit person.
I hope I die before my husband. If not I will have no one.