And what are you supposed to do? When your heart hurts this much..
Last night was simply awful...Im not going to sit here and say why, but let me assure you, it was bad. Today, not much better they're still mad, and Im wondering how long it is gonna take before everything goes back to normal...i love him, so much. granted that we all know i am not good enough for him, i knew he'd figure it out one day or another, but man. i need to change. it will be easy though, its all for him, my boyfriend, my bestfriend, so it wont be hard. just knowing that i am making him happy will be all the reward in the world for changing. he is just so amazing to me, we are so amazing together. Its crazy. thursday he came over and we wrestled in front of my mom and sister all across my room lol, he walways wears his socks inside out, so i ripped them both of and we spent probably 20 minutes trying to feed them to each other..i thougth my mom and sister were gonna pee their pants. its just the little things like that that make me so happy to have someone like him,
"you are the closet to heaven that i'll ever be" that song is explaining how i feel about him. day in and day out, between the classes, when he comes over at night. i can look into his gorgeous eyes, and know what hes thinking. its the best feeling in the world, yes we've had problems, but thats just us working out our differences.
another thing that made today rough. ..jesus doesnt it always come to this? feeling guilty becuase you ate something. feeling guilty because youre HUMAN and your body desires food. your body needs food to function and survive, and yet somehow, some way, i have learned to hate myself for it. to feel guilty for eating the smallest thing, wanting to smash mirrors, wanting to excercise, sneaking out of your house to go on a run. why does it come to this, throwing up after half a normal meal. this is wrong, this is absurd. i shouldnt be hating myself over food, over calories, over things that other people dont think twice about. But i do. and i probably always will.its constant, it makes me more mad then any person, any test, any race, any football game. it makes me hate myself more than anyone could say with words. its the worst thing ive gone through, but its hard to compare it to anything, because ive known it forever. its stupid, its hateful, its shit. its not something i chose. it is a disease. its mental, its physcial. its everything that i cant control, and everything that i want to. its nothing to joke about, but everything to tease about. its something that i wish i would have never been punished with.
"you are the closet to heaven that i'll ever be" that song is explaining how i feel about him. day in and day out, between the classes, when he comes over at night. i can look into his gorgeous eyes, and know what hes thinking. its the best feeling in the world, yes we've had problems, but thats just us working out our differences.
another thing that made today rough. ..jesus doesnt it always come to this? feeling guilty becuase you ate something. feeling guilty because youre HUMAN and your body desires food. your body needs food to function and survive, and yet somehow, some way, i have learned to hate myself for it. to feel guilty for eating the smallest thing, wanting to smash mirrors, wanting to excercise, sneaking out of your house to go on a run. why does it come to this, throwing up after half a normal meal. this is wrong, this is absurd. i shouldnt be hating myself over food, over calories, over things that other people dont think twice about. But i do. and i probably always will.its constant, it makes me more mad then any person, any test, any race, any football game. it makes me hate myself more than anyone could say with words. its the worst thing ive gone through, but its hard to compare it to anything, because ive known it forever. its stupid, its hateful, its shit. its not something i chose. it is a disease. its mental, its physcial. its everything that i cant control, and everything that i want to. its nothing to joke about, but everything to tease about. its something that i wish i would have never been punished with.