(no subject)
Yesterday was a terrible day. I was full of self pity and woe.
I began seeing a psycologist about a year ago when Glenn and I had problems in our relationship. My reasons for going were purely selfish, because you see, that is what I am. Unfortunately I tend to take advantage of people, not purposely, but in the end that doesn't really matter. I started seeing her to better myself. I wanted to become a stronger being who isn't always needing to be reminded that I'm wanted or needed. One who isn't afraid to stand on her own. I rely on my husband for everything. I need him to tell me I'm beautiful(which he never does). I need him to say I did a good job cleaning, or say thanks for making my lunch and setting my work clothes together. If I don't hear it once in awhile I begin to doubt my own self worth. He doesn't do it nearly enough, but I've learned to deal with it. He isn't a very emotional person. He doesn' verbally express himself. He shows me he loves me by being home with me, taking me places, and once in awhile holding me in the middle of the night when he thinks I'm asleep.
Anyway, back to yesterday.
I went to see my "shrink". My mother isn't doing very well. Her weight is horrible, teetering between 89-92 lbs on any given day and her blood pressure stays around mid to high 70's/low 80's over high 40's low 50's. I see a once beautiful person suffering and withering away before my very eyes on a daily basis. Her feet and hands no longer fully obey her and she has started to shake. Her pain is intolerable and she fights the urge to use morphine as often as she should. She can't think like she would want to. I don't want to tell her she doesn't even when she doesn't use the morphine. Her pattern of thought is all over and nowhere all at the same time. It took her 45 minutes to read one page of the bible the other day. She sleeps constantly, and doesn't eat enough to sustain herself, but isn't able to make herself eat anymore. She is still full of hope and faith, yet in the next breath is telling me how she wants to just go to sleep one night and never wake up.
I never thought I could feel so much sorrow. It actually hurts my chest. My blood pressure has gotten pretty high and I've gained some weight. I was told my stress levels are high too. Dah !
My mom hasn't even died yet, and I already miss her. Our relationship isn't the same anymore. I can't just call her up with a funny joke or thought. A problem or a question. Yes I feel bad for myself because of this. I really miss her. We used to go out for lunch and shopping with each other once and awhile. Movies and dinner. Burgers on the grill and board games right after. A few cocktails and laughter, girls night, scavenger hunts, so much fun. No more.
Rachel has said I'm wearing a lot of hats right now. Mother, wife, full time worker and care giver. I no longer has a mother daughter relationship with her. It sucks, I know she's right and I hate it. I want my mother back, not this poor soul who can't even process her own thoughts.
I sound like a spoiled child, and I really don't care.
Rachel has also said I need more meds. I need to exercise almost daily, and I need to learn how to properly grieve.
I need to understand what I'm so angry at and not take it out on the ones that I love. I'm miserable, I'm tired, I don't sleep right, I want my mother's suffering to end. I want this to be over. I can't handle much more. Her bones are protruding, I can see her veins, and every little curve her bones make. SHe struggles to breathe. It needs to end.
I began seeing a psycologist about a year ago when Glenn and I had problems in our relationship. My reasons for going were purely selfish, because you see, that is what I am. Unfortunately I tend to take advantage of people, not purposely, but in the end that doesn't really matter. I started seeing her to better myself. I wanted to become a stronger being who isn't always needing to be reminded that I'm wanted or needed. One who isn't afraid to stand on her own. I rely on my husband for everything. I need him to tell me I'm beautiful(which he never does). I need him to say I did a good job cleaning, or say thanks for making my lunch and setting my work clothes together. If I don't hear it once in awhile I begin to doubt my own self worth. He doesn't do it nearly enough, but I've learned to deal with it. He isn't a very emotional person. He doesn' verbally express himself. He shows me he loves me by being home with me, taking me places, and once in awhile holding me in the middle of the night when he thinks I'm asleep.
Anyway, back to yesterday.
I went to see my "shrink". My mother isn't doing very well. Her weight is horrible, teetering between 89-92 lbs on any given day and her blood pressure stays around mid to high 70's/low 80's over high 40's low 50's. I see a once beautiful person suffering and withering away before my very eyes on a daily basis. Her feet and hands no longer fully obey her and she has started to shake. Her pain is intolerable and she fights the urge to use morphine as often as she should. She can't think like she would want to. I don't want to tell her she doesn't even when she doesn't use the morphine. Her pattern of thought is all over and nowhere all at the same time. It took her 45 minutes to read one page of the bible the other day. She sleeps constantly, and doesn't eat enough to sustain herself, but isn't able to make herself eat anymore. She is still full of hope and faith, yet in the next breath is telling me how she wants to just go to sleep one night and never wake up.
I never thought I could feel so much sorrow. It actually hurts my chest. My blood pressure has gotten pretty high and I've gained some weight. I was told my stress levels are high too. Dah !
My mom hasn't even died yet, and I already miss her. Our relationship isn't the same anymore. I can't just call her up with a funny joke or thought. A problem or a question. Yes I feel bad for myself because of this. I really miss her. We used to go out for lunch and shopping with each other once and awhile. Movies and dinner. Burgers on the grill and board games right after. A few cocktails and laughter, girls night, scavenger hunts, so much fun. No more.
Rachel has said I'm wearing a lot of hats right now. Mother, wife, full time worker and care giver. I no longer has a mother daughter relationship with her. It sucks, I know she's right and I hate it. I want my mother back, not this poor soul who can't even process her own thoughts.
I sound like a spoiled child, and I really don't care.
Rachel has also said I need more meds. I need to exercise almost daily, and I need to learn how to properly grieve.
I need to understand what I'm so angry at and not take it out on the ones that I love. I'm miserable, I'm tired, I don't sleep right, I want my mother's suffering to end. I want this to be over. I can't handle much more. Her bones are protruding, I can see her veins, and every little curve her bones make. SHe struggles to breathe. It needs to end.