It's Not Right, But It's Okay... I'm Gonna Make it Anyways
Let me try to unshock the masses:
First off, I'm ok. A long conversation with Nate last night over what had happened (no, he wasn't involved in it at all) helped me find peace after a completely traumatic and shocking night...well, day really. I'm still recovering from it all, and I'm still processing it. It helps that I'm at home now. At home I have "at home" worries: family, old friends, whether or not a DVD will work on the PS2, whether or not my bro will open up and talk to me (he did, btw), what book to read at the moment... no responsibilities for a few days... plenty of time to lose myself in movies, games and books before surfacing to take another look at the world... a fresh look.
I really have to thank Jen. She was there for me through the roughest point. I haven't been hurt like that since last summer, and it was once again a total shock and a blow out of nowhere. I was too shocked to retain my anger, and just screamed and cried in bewilderment. It's a completely vulnerable position, and I would never let just anybody see me in it. . . not when I've always tried to personify strength... but just like last summer I knew I could call Shorty, this time around I knew I could call Jen. I thought she was out at a party, and part of me was so relieved that she was still in the dorm and could come listen to me try to sob it all out... And I saw another side to her that I hadn't seen before, but that I took in all seriousness. I also realized how much more I still have to see in those around me. And I realized things about myself that I need to watch out for more in the future if I want to avoid being in a similar situation... it's just that I would never hurt someone like I was hurt, so it's hard for me to understand it. Jen and I had a long talk about how there are just some people like that in this world... I just can't fathom it. It goes against my very nature to be that unfeeling.
And then there's Nate to thank. Without his talk, I think I would have been angry (the anger came back after the tears finally passed) all night long. But he helped me see the other side of things... things that only Nate could have pointed about because he's lived and done them. And he helped me notice that not all hurtful actions are done for selfish reasons. Perhaps there were other things I didn't consider. He didn't condone the actions, but he gave me a broader perspective on why they could have happened. He made it clear that he agreed with me, that what had been done was wrong, but also gave the one who did it more credit for more unselfish reasons... even if the actions were cowardly. As has been the phrase of the week, I wish people would "man the fuck up".
And to all my friends who helped me this year. To Kate... the roommate that was so amazing, and who I finally learned in my last semester that I could be close to. We had a lot of good talks and good times even just in the last few months... we've come a long way from our freshman year. To Phil... who would always hold me no matter what, which made life bearable even in the worst moments. To Jefe... who would, at the worst moments, have the most insightful advice or simply the strongest hugs. To Helen... for her quiet words and her omnipresence... that may seem a weird thing to say because she would go home on the weekends, but whenever she sensed pain in a fellow human being, she would make a point to contact them somehow with a message of how she cared and how she was thinking of them. She did that so many times for me, and it made such a difference. To Diane... for lightening the harder times with promises of fun on the weekends and a shared character... she and I are very alike, and it's amazing that we happened to become such good friends simply because I subletted in her apartment last summer. What I would have done without her and the times we shared is beyond me. Sometimes I just had to get out, right girl? *Little smile*
And then the friends who I've grown closer to, surprisingly: The Boys - Frank, Paul, Andrew, Jason... these were friendships I never expected... I would have never guessed that I would have late nights in my room with any of these guys, just talking about all sorts of things. . .things that I hadn't been able to just talk about with the opposite sex since the days of the talks with my best guy friends in high school. Part of me is sad that this closeness only developed at the end of this year... and part of me is so thankful that it developed at all. I used to despair about the prospect completely.
So now... I'm OK. I'm not perfect, and I'm still amazed that I'm home... that I've said some good-byes that will have to last until I get back from my year in Spain... but I'm OK. And I just have to say that I wouldn't be without the wonderful friends I have.
First off, I'm ok. A long conversation with Nate last night over what had happened (no, he wasn't involved in it at all) helped me find peace after a completely traumatic and shocking night...well, day really. I'm still recovering from it all, and I'm still processing it. It helps that I'm at home now. At home I have "at home" worries: family, old friends, whether or not a DVD will work on the PS2, whether or not my bro will open up and talk to me (he did, btw), what book to read at the moment... no responsibilities for a few days... plenty of time to lose myself in movies, games and books before surfacing to take another look at the world... a fresh look.
I really have to thank Jen. She was there for me through the roughest point. I haven't been hurt like that since last summer, and it was once again a total shock and a blow out of nowhere. I was too shocked to retain my anger, and just screamed and cried in bewilderment. It's a completely vulnerable position, and I would never let just anybody see me in it. . . not when I've always tried to personify strength... but just like last summer I knew I could call Shorty, this time around I knew I could call Jen. I thought she was out at a party, and part of me was so relieved that she was still in the dorm and could come listen to me try to sob it all out... And I saw another side to her that I hadn't seen before, but that I took in all seriousness. I also realized how much more I still have to see in those around me. And I realized things about myself that I need to watch out for more in the future if I want to avoid being in a similar situation... it's just that I would never hurt someone like I was hurt, so it's hard for me to understand it. Jen and I had a long talk about how there are just some people like that in this world... I just can't fathom it. It goes against my very nature to be that unfeeling.
And then there's Nate to thank. Without his talk, I think I would have been angry (the anger came back after the tears finally passed) all night long. But he helped me see the other side of things... things that only Nate could have pointed about because he's lived and done them. And he helped me notice that not all hurtful actions are done for selfish reasons. Perhaps there were other things I didn't consider. He didn't condone the actions, but he gave me a broader perspective on why they could have happened. He made it clear that he agreed with me, that what had been done was wrong, but also gave the one who did it more credit for more unselfish reasons... even if the actions were cowardly. As has been the phrase of the week, I wish people would "man the fuck up".
And to all my friends who helped me this year. To Kate... the roommate that was so amazing, and who I finally learned in my last semester that I could be close to. We had a lot of good talks and good times even just in the last few months... we've come a long way from our freshman year. To Phil... who would always hold me no matter what, which made life bearable even in the worst moments. To Jefe... who would, at the worst moments, have the most insightful advice or simply the strongest hugs. To Helen... for her quiet words and her omnipresence... that may seem a weird thing to say because she would go home on the weekends, but whenever she sensed pain in a fellow human being, she would make a point to contact them somehow with a message of how she cared and how she was thinking of them. She did that so many times for me, and it made such a difference. To Diane... for lightening the harder times with promises of fun on the weekends and a shared character... she and I are very alike, and it's amazing that we happened to become such good friends simply because I subletted in her apartment last summer. What I would have done without her and the times we shared is beyond me. Sometimes I just had to get out, right girl? *Little smile*
And then the friends who I've grown closer to, surprisingly: The Boys - Frank, Paul, Andrew, Jason... these were friendships I never expected... I would have never guessed that I would have late nights in my room with any of these guys, just talking about all sorts of things. . .things that I hadn't been able to just talk about with the opposite sex since the days of the talks with my best guy friends in high school. Part of me is sad that this closeness only developed at the end of this year... and part of me is so thankful that it developed at all. I used to despair about the prospect completely.
So now... I'm OK. I'm not perfect, and I'm still amazed that I'm home... that I've said some good-byes that will have to last until I get back from my year in Spain... but I'm OK. And I just have to say that I wouldn't be without the wonderful friends I have.