But Close My Eyes For Awhile, Force The World A Patient Smile
Just so you all know, this is complete and total ass. This was actually the part that I was most looking forward to and then something happened and now it's this piece of work. It should be longer and better and should actually have a plot. But it's just this. I think it's time to move on.
Chapter: 10/?
Word Count: 1,441
Song: I Gave You All- Mumford & Sons
Summary: this isn't the way that she thought that it would play out in her mind
California turns out being nothing like she thought that it would be. In a bad way. That wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t love it. He loves the sun and the buildings and the people and all she can think about is how much she misses the snow as she looks out the window at all the sun.
He gets her a beautiful house; that’s how he introduced the place to her. ‘I kept looking and looking and I didn’t ask you because I wanted it to be a surprise for all that you’ve done for me. So when I saw this place I immediately thought of you. Welcome to your new home.’
It’s in the hills, too close to the Hollywood sign so she feels a bit like a tourist attraction in her own house. She gets enough of that on the streets. It really is beautiful, she’ll give him that. If he picked it out on his own without any sway from a real estate agent then she’s incredibly impressed with his abilities to pick out pretty things. It’s airy and light, always sunny inside and all the rooms are decorated perfectly and everything is perfect.
But she still spends a whole day hating herself when the thought hits her that this isn’t what it used to be.
She loves him. She’ll never stop that. After everything that he’s done for her (forget that ‘everything you’ve done for me’ line that he fed to her) she couldn’t stop. He’s like nothing else she’s ever had but she can’t shake the feeling that this whole thing is dying, fading, ending. And it’s all on her.
He’s so fucking happy. Just all the time. Smiles and no cares and ‘you’re the best thing
that’s ever happened to me’ whispered softly in her bed as they lie in bed together in the early morning before the sun fully pours in through the floor to ceiling windows that overlook the city. She smiles at him; it’s a natural response that she doesn’t even have to think about, and she puts her hand on the side of his face and kisses him softly. Love should be enough, she tells herself over and over, never believing it, never feeling it. She’s letting this slip away from her. Like she let Tom slip away and suddenly it’s a year and a half earlier and Lee’s getting ready to leave her like Tom did. The thought it terrifying and unreal and crazy. He’s not going unless she makes him leave.
What happened to the love and the devotion and the feeling that everything will be alright. He’s different and new and not every relationship she’s in has to end in disaster and tears and swearing off of love. She must have lost it somewhere in the air between Chicago and L.A.
The news of Tom’s engagement stings more than it should. She learns about it on FaceBook, which is totally tacky and cheap, just like his new girl and she has to swallow the jealousy when Lee walks in.
He kisses her forehead like he always does and gives her a strange look when she doesn’t react like she usually does.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” She starts to click out of facebook but then stops, her finger hovering over the laptop. Might as well tell him. “Tom’s getting married.”
He laughs, like it doesn’t mean anything, like it’s not weighing her world down. “To who?”
She shrugs. “Some…girl. I don’t know, here.” She turns the screen to him and he leans down, his chin brushing against the side of her face.
“Huh.” He seems generally disinterested and she wishes she could feel the same. “How long have they been together?”
“Like a month.”
He laughs again and once again she wants to share that feeling. “That’ll be over fast. Plus…” He pauses and presses a kiss to her shoulder. “He downgraded.”
She smiles weakly. He always knows the right things to say and she’s sitting here completely ungrateful and bitchy and spiteful and jealous.
She hides it well though. Those feeling just eat at her as she follows him to different award shows and down the streets of Hollywood. Everyone buys that they’re happy. They’re the golden couple, on the verge of a marriage but the truth is he’s still laughing at that headline and she would like that to stop. It’s not a joke. They’re going on a year and a half together and still nothing. He has to work at this like she does and she’s giving it all she has while he’s making fun of the headlines. He has to give a little.
But it’s not like a proposal will fix anything. She’s not one of those girls who think all the problems in a relationship will be neatly tucked away behind a diamond ring. But the ring certainly wouldn’t hurt. At least a talk about it would be something. How long is she supposed to go on like this? How long is she supposed to follow him and how long can she be pulled?
She gets her answer, painfully and shamefully a year to the day of them moving to California. It’s also the day that Tom is getting married and she’s not handling it well at all. She doesn’t hide it very well either. She tries. She has the whole day while he’s at work to deal with it and figure out why she sucks so much at this relationship that she used to rock at and by the time he comes home she should be okay.
But her plan falters, he gets home early or she’s not done moping and before she can plaster on a fake smile he sees her for what she really is and sits down next to her at the kitchen table with his hand covering hers.
“Is everything okay? Are you okay? Is it your mom?”
She pulls her hand away from him and widens her fake smile. “I’m fine.” She stands up and goes over to the sink, trying to busy herself with whatever dirty plates have been left behind from breakfast but she already took care of them in the first hour of her moping. “It’s nothing. How was your day?”
“No. No, you’re not fine. Nora, what’s wrong?”
“It’s really nothing.” She says desperately but she knows he’s not going to back down. “I’m just really tired and…” She bites her lip and her mind begs her to just tell him everything. He’s good at fixing things. “Are you happy Lee?” It’s a start.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m happy. What kind of question is that? I don’t like this Nora.”
“It’s probably nothing. I just…do you want to marry me?” That was really stupid.
“What? I…where is this coming from?”
“Nowhere.” She paces back and forth. “A year and a half of dating and nothing. You laugh when they say that you proposed.”
“Because it’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He sighs heavily. “You know that I wouldn’t mind marrying you.”
“I don’t know that. We don’t talk about it.”
“It’s not like you’re bringing it up either.”
“I know. I know.” She repeats softly as she pinches the bridge of her nose. “It’s just that Tom…”
“Are you serious with that right now?”
“What?”
“You’re thinking about him?”
“I’m not thinking about him, I’m just saying that he’s getting married…”
“To some chick that he just met. Is that what you want?”
“No. You’re not letting me finish.”
“I don’t think you need to. You’re still thinking about him after all that he did to you?”
“I’m not thinking about him.”
“You’re lying to me. Do you still love him?”
“No.”
He’s not believing and shakes his head at her. “Nora.”
“You can’t tell me that you don’t still have feelings for your ex’s.”
“No, I gave those up when I fell in love with you.”
Now she feels like shit. She pulls out the chair across from him and sits down, reaches for his hand but he pulls it back and he might as well of slapped her in the face.
“I don’t love him. I just…”
He gets up from the table and she can feel the tears start to well up.
“Don’t leave me.” Her voice cracks and breaks and it gets him to stop moving. “I don’t like it here, I want to go back. We were so much happier in Chicago.”
“I’m happy here.”
“Well…”The rest of her sentence dies off and when she looks up at him he won’t meet her eyes.
Chapter: 10/?
Word Count: 1,441
Song: I Gave You All- Mumford & Sons
Summary: this isn't the way that she thought that it would play out in her mind
California turns out being nothing like she thought that it would be. In a bad way. That wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t love it. He loves the sun and the buildings and the people and all she can think about is how much she misses the snow as she looks out the window at all the sun.
He gets her a beautiful house; that’s how he introduced the place to her. ‘I kept looking and looking and I didn’t ask you because I wanted it to be a surprise for all that you’ve done for me. So when I saw this place I immediately thought of you. Welcome to your new home.’
It’s in the hills, too close to the Hollywood sign so she feels a bit like a tourist attraction in her own house. She gets enough of that on the streets. It really is beautiful, she’ll give him that. If he picked it out on his own without any sway from a real estate agent then she’s incredibly impressed with his abilities to pick out pretty things. It’s airy and light, always sunny inside and all the rooms are decorated perfectly and everything is perfect.
But she still spends a whole day hating herself when the thought hits her that this isn’t what it used to be.
She loves him. She’ll never stop that. After everything that he’s done for her (forget that ‘everything you’ve done for me’ line that he fed to her) she couldn’t stop. He’s like nothing else she’s ever had but she can’t shake the feeling that this whole thing is dying, fading, ending. And it’s all on her.
He’s so fucking happy. Just all the time. Smiles and no cares and ‘you’re the best thing
that’s ever happened to me’ whispered softly in her bed as they lie in bed together in the early morning before the sun fully pours in through the floor to ceiling windows that overlook the city. She smiles at him; it’s a natural response that she doesn’t even have to think about, and she puts her hand on the side of his face and kisses him softly. Love should be enough, she tells herself over and over, never believing it, never feeling it. She’s letting this slip away from her. Like she let Tom slip away and suddenly it’s a year and a half earlier and Lee’s getting ready to leave her like Tom did. The thought it terrifying and unreal and crazy. He’s not going unless she makes him leave.
What happened to the love and the devotion and the feeling that everything will be alright. He’s different and new and not every relationship she’s in has to end in disaster and tears and swearing off of love. She must have lost it somewhere in the air between Chicago and L.A.
The news of Tom’s engagement stings more than it should. She learns about it on FaceBook, which is totally tacky and cheap, just like his new girl and she has to swallow the jealousy when Lee walks in.
He kisses her forehead like he always does and gives her a strange look when she doesn’t react like she usually does.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” She starts to click out of facebook but then stops, her finger hovering over the laptop. Might as well tell him. “Tom’s getting married.”
He laughs, like it doesn’t mean anything, like it’s not weighing her world down. “To who?”
She shrugs. “Some…girl. I don’t know, here.” She turns the screen to him and he leans down, his chin brushing against the side of her face.
“Huh.” He seems generally disinterested and she wishes she could feel the same. “How long have they been together?”
“Like a month.”
He laughs again and once again she wants to share that feeling. “That’ll be over fast. Plus…” He pauses and presses a kiss to her shoulder. “He downgraded.”
She smiles weakly. He always knows the right things to say and she’s sitting here completely ungrateful and bitchy and spiteful and jealous.
She hides it well though. Those feeling just eat at her as she follows him to different award shows and down the streets of Hollywood. Everyone buys that they’re happy. They’re the golden couple, on the verge of a marriage but the truth is he’s still laughing at that headline and she would like that to stop. It’s not a joke. They’re going on a year and a half together and still nothing. He has to work at this like she does and she’s giving it all she has while he’s making fun of the headlines. He has to give a little.
But it’s not like a proposal will fix anything. She’s not one of those girls who think all the problems in a relationship will be neatly tucked away behind a diamond ring. But the ring certainly wouldn’t hurt. At least a talk about it would be something. How long is she supposed to go on like this? How long is she supposed to follow him and how long can she be pulled?
She gets her answer, painfully and shamefully a year to the day of them moving to California. It’s also the day that Tom is getting married and she’s not handling it well at all. She doesn’t hide it very well either. She tries. She has the whole day while he’s at work to deal with it and figure out why she sucks so much at this relationship that she used to rock at and by the time he comes home she should be okay.
But her plan falters, he gets home early or she’s not done moping and before she can plaster on a fake smile he sees her for what she really is and sits down next to her at the kitchen table with his hand covering hers.
“Is everything okay? Are you okay? Is it your mom?”
She pulls her hand away from him and widens her fake smile. “I’m fine.” She stands up and goes over to the sink, trying to busy herself with whatever dirty plates have been left behind from breakfast but she already took care of them in the first hour of her moping. “It’s nothing. How was your day?”
“No. No, you’re not fine. Nora, what’s wrong?”
“It’s really nothing.” She says desperately but she knows he’s not going to back down. “I’m just really tired and…” She bites her lip and her mind begs her to just tell him everything. He’s good at fixing things. “Are you happy Lee?” It’s a start.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m happy. What kind of question is that? I don’t like this Nora.”
“It’s probably nothing. I just…do you want to marry me?” That was really stupid.
“What? I…where is this coming from?”
“Nowhere.” She paces back and forth. “A year and a half of dating and nothing. You laugh when they say that you proposed.”
“Because it’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He sighs heavily. “You know that I wouldn’t mind marrying you.”
“I don’t know that. We don’t talk about it.”
“It’s not like you’re bringing it up either.”
“I know. I know.” She repeats softly as she pinches the bridge of her nose. “It’s just that Tom…”
“Are you serious with that right now?”
“What?”
“You’re thinking about him?”
“I’m not thinking about him, I’m just saying that he’s getting married…”
“To some chick that he just met. Is that what you want?”
“No. You’re not letting me finish.”
“I don’t think you need to. You’re still thinking about him after all that he did to you?”
“I’m not thinking about him.”
“You’re lying to me. Do you still love him?”
“No.”
He’s not believing and shakes his head at her. “Nora.”
“You can’t tell me that you don’t still have feelings for your ex’s.”
“No, I gave those up when I fell in love with you.”
Now she feels like shit. She pulls out the chair across from him and sits down, reaches for his hand but he pulls it back and he might as well of slapped her in the face.
“I don’t love him. I just…”
He gets up from the table and she can feel the tears start to well up.
“Don’t leave me.” Her voice cracks and breaks and it gets him to stop moving. “I don’t like it here, I want to go back. We were so much happier in Chicago.”
“I’m happy here.”
“Well…”The rest of her sentence dies off and when she looks up at him he won’t meet her eyes.