You Will Shelter Me My Love, And I Will Shelter You
Huh. Well here goes nothing.....
Chapter 5/?
The make a great couple. Low key and happy. They slowly creep their way into tabloids, which she has to laugh at because it’s not like they do anything interesting or cool. They’re barely even together ever. After the show he’s off to New York and then Chicago to do press and it’s like he’s always gone and moving and she’s left missing him more than she probably should. But then he comes back to L.A, which she kind of hates without him there, and he’s home for more than one day in a row and he comes back looking like everything that she’s missed and tired and they spend all the time he has together. They usually stay in her hotel room, she hasn’t gotten an apartment yet and neither has he because he hasn’t had time. She loves to stay in with him. It’s private without the prying eyes and camera clicks of photographers. They spend a lot of time in bed, with his guitar across his lap as he tries to figure out what he should play and what songs he wants to put on his album and she lies next to him with her eyes closed listening and adding comments where she sees fit and it’s all very simple and easy.
She takes him home for two days. It’s really his doing, they were eating breakfast and he started to talk and ask questions about where she grew up and she was doing her best to answer but wasn’t doing a real good job so he sighed and put his coffee cup down.
“I wanna see.”
“See what?’
“Where you grew up.”
“No you don’t. I don’t even want to see where I grew up. It’s so boring.”
“It can’t be that boring. Plus boring sounds good right now. I have some time off coming up, we can go before tour starts. Like a mini vacation.”
“It’s not a vacation for me. It’s just home.”
“Don’t you miss it? When was the last time you were there?”
“Since I left for Hollywood.”
“That’s a long time Harper.”
“I know. It was nice.”
“Come on.” His foot brushes against her leg under the table and she looks up at him. “Take me home.”
“Fine. But get ready to hear ‘I told you so’ from me when you’re up there for ten minutes and you’re all, ‘I’m bored, I’m bored, this sucks, I hate you for taking me here.’” She imitates his voice and he laughs.
“I won’t say that.”
“Alright.” She says, her voice completely unsure as she stands up with the coffee cup and as she’s passing him he holds onto her hand.
“I’m excited.”
“You’re going to get let down.” She warns him and he shakes his head with a certainty that makes her smile.
She insists on driving upstate and he doesn’t fight it. He likes not thinking or worrying about what’s going to happen and he spends the whole ride either sleeping or humming along to the radio and she watches him out of the corner of her eye as she drives and always catches him looking at her. He thinks it’s impossible not to look at her. The window is wide open and her hair is blowing in the wind and her skin looks bright and sun kissed and he loves her so he has to and wants to look at her.
Her dad greets them when they pull up to the house. She wanted to get a hotel room for the two of them but the closest hotel is thirty minutes away and he’s totally fine with staying at her house.
He fits right into her family and friends. They all accept him and it’s almost annoying because it kind of feels like they all like him more than they like her but she can’t blame them. He’s perfect. He’s so nice to all her aunts and cousins and there’s isn’t a hint of conflict when she introduces him to her friends, even though he knows that most of them have slept with her. He knows they didn’t mean anything to her which, if he really thought about it would bother him because he would think that she was a little callous about sex but he knows that’s just the way she is and he knows that she loves him now and that’s all that matters.
If he ever doubted that all he would have to do is look at her. It’s all over her face when she looks at him. He’ll be eating dinner, surrounded by all her family, they all want to know what winning Idol was like and he’ll look over at her, it’s just a natural reflex for him now, and she’ll be smiling at him or when he’s playing football with her friends and she’s sitting on the porch with her sunglasses on and the light is dimming from the sky but it’s still muggy out and she’ll be talking to one of her cousins and she’ll glance over at him and give him a little wave and his heart warms.
Her dad pulls him aside while she’s out of the room and thanks him because he’s never seen her look happier and he knows it’s all Lee’s doing.
“I’m just glad she loves me back.” Lee tells him and Hank claps him on the back but lets him go before Harper comes back in because neither of the men are ready for the speech that she would give them about minding their own business.
She can’t wait for tour to start. At least that way she’ll know that he’ll be there at a steady pace and his time away from her will be on a schedule so they can actually plan things out. It’s all going to be more fun. Since she has him and they’re together she’s been a lot happier and more tolerable and people like her more so she can actually form friendships. Her casual acquaintance with Katie turns into a full blown friendship as they share hotel rooms and sit up talking on the bus late at night while the other girls are trying to sleep. The conversations tends to turn to Lee but when they don’t they’re about what’s going to happen in their futures, according to Katie Lee is Harper’s future. She playfully tells Harper that they’ll be married in the next six months and begs to be the maid of honor and Andrew will be the best man and any other couples that might come out of Idol will pale in comparison and Harper will roll her eyes and tell her to shut up because none of that will happen but then rests her chin on her palm as she listens to Katie talk about her plans to move to L.A after tour but she’s really only thinking about a white dress and an outdoor wedding and daisy’s as the bouquet and her dream man standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her.
He’s there for every show and for most of the days in between but he’s still so busy with his album so he’s out to California or New York, which ever coast they’re closest to at the time and she’s back to missing him but he tells her by text or late night phone call that this kind of distance is only temporary and can’t last forever. They just have to get through this and it’ll be alright.
There’s total trust between the two of them. She knows that he’s going to be faithful. He doesn’t have to be. It’s not like no one else wants him. She can see the girls that do while they sign autographs after shows. They’re the girls that act all innocent and cool but would sleep with him, girlfriend or no girlfriend without a second thought. She also sees the tweets that are sent to him, copy and pasted into DM’s sent to her by Andrew because he thinks that it’s funny and she shouldn’t be offended by it, they’re meaningless messages probably done out of fun or for a laugh but still, it bothers her and results in her unfollowing Andrew for a few days. He could cheat on her. It would be so easy, the girls are right there and Harper, some of the time, is a few states away and he can’t count the number of times he’s hugged a fan only to her whisper in his ear that no one has to know if he came back to her place with her or if she followed him to his hotel and then up to his room. Plus it’s like everyone he knows, all his friends and his dumbass brother remind him all the time that the girls are there, he should take one. He’s young and famous and on the cusp of being something really important and Harper doesn’t have to find out but he can’t do it. He can’t be that guy to anyone women but especially not Harper. She like to act like she’s strong but he knows that any kind of infidelity could break what they made and he’s not sure she could ever come back from that.
He loves touring. He loves the rush of it and the crowds and the adoration doesn’t really suck. But he loves it even more because she’s there with him. He doesn’t think that it would be half as fun without her. She’s so high energy and up for anything and when he’s tired she brings him right up and when she’s bouncing off the walls after a show and all he wants to do is sleep because he has to leave at 5:30 in the morning to get on a plane to fly off to a studio to write and record he can calm her down enough to just lie beside him with her hand in his as he drifts off to sleep. They balance each other out and feed off each other and it’s amazing. There are a hundred different words to describe it but that’s the one he always lands on, amazing, which she teases him about all the time and he laughs it off and wraps his arm around her shoulders if they’re in front of people being interviewed or he cuts her off with his lips on hers and his hand sliding under her shirt if they’re alone.
It’s hard for them to be truly alone. They have to work hard for just a few moments of privacy. It’s kind of draining, working their way across the country watching the miles roll by wanting so badly to be next to each other but they have to be separated by a bus.
He shocks the hell out of her one night after a show in New York. They’re getting ready to leave; he has to go stay and record for a few days while the rest of them need to get on the buses and make their way down the coast and Harper and Lee are lingering by the hotel doors, waiting until the last possible moment before they have to say goodbye.
His hands are securely on her hips and her arms are around his shoulders as they kiss and he sighs when she pulls away.
“I think I need to go.” She tells him and he shuts his eyes against her words.
“No. I don’t want you to go. I’m sick of you going or me going. Why can’t we just be in the same place?”
“Because.” Her hands slide down to his chest. “You won American Idol and now you have to make a record. It’s the way it goes.”
“I hate it.”
“You do not.” She laughs softly and kisses him again. “You don’t hate it.”
“I hate being away from you.”
“It’s not for too much longer. We only have a month left.”
“Too long.” He pouts and pulls her closer to his body.
“I wish it was a little different.” She admits and he looks around her to the buses. Everyone is just starting to climb on. “I really have to go.”
“No.” He says suddenly as he unwraps his arms from around her and takes a firm grip on her hand.
“What? Lee I have to go. They’re going to leave without me.”
“No they’re not. They can’t just take off. And if they did so what? There are planes.”
“Lee I don’t know what you’re thinking or talking about but it’s not good. Now I have to go and so do you. Isn’t your flight in a few hours? I thought you say that you wanted to try and sleep.”
“I don’t need sleep and you don’t need to go.” He says as he pulls her further into the lobby away from the doors and she tries to pull back but fails. “Let’s go do something.”
“What are we going to do?” She looks over her shoulder, people are starting to get impatient and one of the producers starts to make their way to the hotel to drag her out and she panics and pushes him towards the back exit. They’re doing this now.
“Who cares? Let’s just get lost in the city for a little while.” He pops open the door, thankful that no fire alarm rang or anything and they’re out in the side alley next to the hotel and then they both make a mad dash past the busses and down the street and they don’t stop until they’re blocks away from the busses and in the clear.
“Do you know how much trouble I’m going to get into?”
“Being in love has made you go soft. Where’s that badass girl that I met in Chicago?” He jokes and she pushes his chest.
“Sorry if I worry a little more now but this is serious.”
“We deserve a break.”
“I know but together? They don’t really like that we’re dating and now we’re running off together holding everyone up.”
“I know. It’s great.”
“What has gotten into you tonight? You’re usually the one that’s following me and now you’re pulling me down the sidewalk at ten o’clock at night in New York City.”
“I don’t know.” He turns to her in the middle of the side walk and the people that walk around them give them dirty looks but neither of them cares. “I just wanted to be with you.”
“Then I guess its okay. But now you have to entertain me for the next….how long are we going to stay out here?”
“Until we want to go back.” He says as he takes out his phone which has been ringing in his pocket and turns it off. “Andrew. I’m expecting an angry call from my manager any time now. You should shut yours off too.”
“What if they start to worry about us? I don’t want anyone to get upset or anything like that.”
He shakes his head with a smile and kisses her and she reaches up and runs her fingers through his hair to deepen the kiss. She’ll gladly follow him wherever he wants to take her.
They wind up in a diner, it’s like the one that they went to on the day that they first met except this time they sit on the same side with his arm over her shoulders and her head on his chest while her fingers move across his palm. It’s relaxing and carefree a for about an hour they can act like they’re just a normal couple with no life changing plans that have to do with music or fame. Like the only things that they would have to worry about would be where they would get dinner the next night and with whose family they would spend the holiday with. He wonders what it would’ve been like if they somehow met each other before Idol. What if she came to Chicago with a douchey boyfriend the year before and he still left her and he bumped into her just as he was leaving a bar after he played a show and he didn’t happen to have a girlfriend at that time and they got to talking and he took her out to get some coffee and talk and this time, she would’ve slept with him and he would agreed to that without a second thought because he would be single and he’s a guy and she’s her, beautiful and sexy and interesting and unlike anything he’s ever seen and afterwards she would insist on leaving but she wouldn’t go far because the next night she’s be right back with him, doing the same thing because it felt good and right and she’d fight against it with all that she had but in the end she’d give up because she can’t say no their whole relationship for too long and then they’d fall in love without having to work around a television show or fans opinions or people constantly taking pictures of them and printing them in magazines.
He gets her back to the bus an hour and a half later and they both get yelled at by management and producers but they take it holding each other’s hands and knowing that all the scolding in the world wouldn’t have changed their minds and made them stay. They needed that time together to regroup and keep them going.
He finally gets the time to look for apartments when he’s in L.A and he takes her with him. They see a lot of places but none of them feel right and he can feel the real estate agent getting increasingly annoyed with every apartment door that they close. They see the last one just as the sun is setting and the lights of the city are starting to come on. It’s big and airy and right on the water and as soon as the door is opened and she steps inside she falls in love with is and goes off to explore while Lee stays with the agent and listens to the details on it.
Every door she opens is better than the last. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, huge closets, high ceilings a beautiful kitchen and open living room and she could stare at the view from every window all day.
She comes back into the main room and tugs on his arm as he’s trying to listen. “This one.” She whispers to him before she heads back to the sliding glass doors that open out onto the patio.
“Can you give us a minute?” He asks the agent and she sighs and shrugs her shoulders as she leaves the apartment and he stands in the kitchen and watches her, her face almost pressed all the way against the glass. “What do you think?”
“Get it. Or. Don’t get it so I can get it.”
“You really like it?”
“It’s perfect. Look around, don’t you think it’s great?”
He only looks at her. “I know.”
“You won’t find something better.”
He’s still only looking and thinking of her. “I know that too.”
She looks back at him but her hands are still against the door leaving fingerprints. “So are you going to get it?”
He looks around for the first time trying to see what she sees. He thinks he sees a different version of it. He sees the high ceilings which would be perfect for a tall Christmas tree in December and a patio where they would sit on warm summer nights and watch the water while they sipped wine and talked and played their guitars and he would write songs about their life and how much he loved her and how happy he is now compared to what he had before. Two bedrooms, one for them and the other one could be a guest room until it’s slowly but surely turned into a nursery with light pink walls, because they’d have to have a girl, and white trim with a crib in it and a mobile above that and he’d watch her body change over the months and she’d spend the time complaining about getting fat and her back aching and he’ll spend hours and hours telling her that she’s beautiful and he loves her and their baby girl who will probably have the blondest hair he’s ever seen and big blue eyes that will be able to get him to give her anything she ever wants. There’s the big kitchen where he can see the two of them cooking and cutting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches’ on a diagonal and cutting carrot sticks to pack into a lunch box. As he looks out over the water and the beach all he sees is the potential of countless sand castles and days in the warm water and sunburns and tans and fun. He wants this apartment but only if it comes will all that.
“I think I’m going to get it.”
“Yay.” She cheers as he steps behind her and puts his arms around her waist and she leans back against him. “It’s perfect.”
“You’ve been saying that a lot lately.” He muses as he lips brush against the skin and she reaches behind him to runs her fingernails against the back of his head.
“Does it sound weird coming from me? I should stop.”
“Never stop.” He whispers and she giggles as his scruff and breath tickles her neck. “I’ll get this place on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You move in with me.”
She twists out of his arms so she can look at him. “Are you being serious?”
“Yes. We’ve seen every available apartment in the city and none of them are good enough and you love this place and we could make it ours. I always figured that you’d move in with me eventually anyways. Why do we have to wait? This can be our reward for making it through tour without an incident.” He drops his hands to her waist and pulls at the hem of her shirt a little bit. “You never thought about moving in with me?” He asks hesitantly, facing the growing fear that he went too fast too soon.
She shakes her head and leans up to kiss him sweetly. “I would love to live with you.” She says and he smiles into another kiss.
Their new apartment is all that is on their mind. She can’t wait to move in and he can’t wait to have her move in. She spends a lot of time planning what it’s going to look like, they’re starting from nothing and have to decorate and paint and she’s all over that and he’s happy to let her do whatever she wants because all he cares about is her being in the place, it doesn’t matter what color the walls are.
He’s counting down the days until tour is over because he’s ready to get started with her and that’s why what he does shocks him so much and makes him sick.
He’s in California and she’s in New Mexico or Arizona or something like that, he’s so busy that he’s lost track of her location but he knows she’s not with him and he misses her. And he’s having an off day in the studio. Everything he’s writing is shitty and sounds like crap and he can’t make anything work and he hates the ideas that his co writers are giving him so he ends up storming out of the building leaving his guitar behind and heads to the first bar he sees and orders a beer. It’s placed in front of him and he stares down into it, not really wanting a drink but he felt like he had to order it just to do something. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s in one of those moods where he thinks everything sucks and is falling apart and he feels like it was all a mistake and there’s no way he can do it. He just wants to go home and fall into bed until everyone in American has forgotten his name so he doesn’t feel any shame in giving up.
He sits there for awhile, until the beer is room temperature and he couldn’t drink it even if he wanted to and he’s at a crossroad. He could go back to his apartment that just has a mattress and a bottle of vodka in the freezer and fall asleep and hope that he feels better in the morning or he could go back to the studio, apologize to everyone for being such a diva and freaking out and try to write again hoping that something works out. He drops his head into his hands when he hears the voice of Chloe Carrington.
It’s smooth and flirty and he’s immediately on alert. He shouldn’t trust her, he knows how bad Harper freaked out about her that night in the bar and he doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries by accident. He watches her carefully as she sits down next to him, so close.
“Hey Lee.” She’s too casual and he nods at her. “You here alone?”
“Yup. She’s on tour still. I’m flying out to meet her tomorrow….somewhere.”
“Let’s not talk about her. Okay?”
“No. Not okay.”
“Oh come on.” She grabs her drink and takes a small sip. “I feel like she’s going to ruin our conversation even though she’s not here.”
“We shouldn’t be having a conversation.”
“Are you serious? Did she tell you that you couldn’t talk to me? That’s a little controlling don’t you think?”
“I thought we weren’t talking about her?”
“Oh.” She laughs and puts her hands up. “That’s fine with me. What do you want to talk about?”
“Nothing.” It’s the only safe answer.
“Why don’t you tell me why you’re here?”
“I just got frustrated and I needed to cool off so I came here.”
“Why’d you get frustrated?” She puts her hand on his knee and he rolls his eyes and moves away from her.
“Just a bad day.”
“Hmmm. You call your girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Why not? Wouldn’t that make you feel better?”
“I just didn’t.”
“That’s interesting.”
“It’s really not. I just didn’t call her.”
She looks him over slowly and moves her hand back to his knee and this time he doesn’t move away.
“I think you’re stressed. “
“I am.”
“You know what’s good to relieve stress?” Her hand moves further up his thigh and he should immediately move away and tell her no, a strong no, one that won’t give any doubt or question, and get up and get out of the bar and run back to his apartment and lie on the mattress and call Harper and talk for hours and hours until he feels better and can do all of this again. But instead, all he can do is listen to her purr out his name and swallow hard when her hand moves up his leg even further. “Don’t act like you don’t want to Lee.”
“I don’t. I love her.”
“I know you do. But right now, she’s not here and you don’t have. She won’t know. We can sneak out of here. There aren’t any cameras outside. It’ll just be one night.”
“I can’t.” He’s a jackass who is slowly losing willpower. “I can’t do any of this. You gotta stop.”
“Why? It’ll be fun. Come on Lee.” She tips her head towards the door and he shakes his head.
“No. “
“How many more times are you going to say no before you say yes?” She questions as she leans into him and he shuts his eyes and tries to think of Harper but can’t get it done.
“That’s what I thought.” She says with a small laughs as she slides off the barstool and he follows a little ways after her, trying to be inconspicuous but he quickly realizes that it doesn’t matter, no one cares about what they’re doing. “My place or yours?” She asks once they get onto the sidewalk.
“Yours.” He can’t take her back to his place. That’s Harper’s too and he doesn’t think he could ever get another woman in there. He can’t take Chloe back there and then ever expect Harper to exist in the same place. It’s too much. Of course right now he’s still operating under the assumption that Harper either won’t find out or they can work through this misstep together and everything will be okay again at some point.
He shakes his head in the cab over to her place. He’s thinking of Harper now but he’s in a cab going to Chloe’s place to have sex. He should be saying no right now. It’s never too late to back out and do the right thing until suddenly it is and he hasn’t gotten to there yet. But it gets to be too late when they get out of the cab and stumble into her apartment and into her bedroom and into her bed.
It’s not good and he wills it to go by fast and as soon as it’s over he lies back on the pillow for a moment and lets the disappointment that he feels in himself wash over him before he gets up and starts to pull on his close.
Chloe sighs and reaches across the bed where he was lying just seconds before.
“I won’t tell anyone Lee.”
“Don’t.” He warns as he zips his jeans and turns to her.
“Don’t worry. But…”
“But what? You don’t tell anyone.”
“Are you going to tell her? I won’t say anything but are you going to be okay? You know if you ever need to talk or anything I’m here.”
“You’ve done enough.”
“I think you have as well.” She says as she leans back to her side of the bed and he gets his shoes on and leaves.
He heads straight back to his place where he sits up all night on that mattress, with his knees tucked into his chest and his forehead resting on his hands, loathing himself. He’s a liar and a cheater and has probably wrecked one of the best things that have ever happened to him. He knows that she won’t forgive him for this. She won’t be able to move past it and he doesn’t really expect her to, doesn’t deserve for her to. It’s going to be the end for them if she should ever find out.
So he makes the decision to not tell her. He hopes that with time, he can move on from this too and forget it. He knows he loves Harper and sleeping with Chloe, it kills him to even think about it, was a huge mistake that he can’t take back but hopefully he can’t just focus on that.
The next day he has to meet up with everyone else for a show in Oklahoma and when she sees him the first thing she does is open her arms to him and hug him, kissing him on the cheek and she carefully pulls away when he doesn’t respond.
“Are you okay?” She asks him softly as she presses one hand to his cheek and he covers it with his own hand.
“Yeah.” No. He’ll never be okay. “I’m just tired.”
“Still? Didn’t you sleep at all?”
Nope. “Not really. I don’t know, I think I might be getting sick.” He’s felt like he could throw up ever since the incident happened.
“Oh no.” Her hand moves to his forehead and he wants to die over how much she cares for him and what a dick he’s been to her. “I hope you feel better. Are you going to be okay to sing tonight?”
“Yeah, I should be fine.” He shrugs and finally takes her into his arms.
It’s harder than he could ever have imagined keeping that secret from her and everyone else. He’s noticeably different, quiet and distance and he tells everyone that he’s tired and doesn’t feel well and they all believe it because it’s a believable story. With all that he does it’s natural to think that he would be worn out. But with this weighing on him it makes everything so much worse.
He can’t go on like that. He has to tell her and then just hope for the best. Beg for forgiveness so they can still be together. He’s not afraid to get pathetic on her because he’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep her in his life.
He waits until the last night of tour, after the final show. He gets onto the girls bus and asks them all to leave so he can talk to Harper in private and they’re all so buzzed from the crowd that night that they don’t notice the serious look on his face as he says it and he sees Katie tug on Harper’s shirt and mouth the word ‘proposal’ and Lee’s heart drops and Harper rolls her eyes with a smile and pushes her away.
Once they’re alone she doesn’t stop moving. She’s still packing up her things, throwing her clothes into her bag not bothering to fold them because she’s only going to take them out again and refold them when she gets to his place, their place.
She pulls her hair back off her face and into a loose bun as she looks up from her work.
“Everyone wants to go out tonight, you know, as kind of a goodbye dinner. You up for that?” She looks him over carefully. “You still don’t look like yourself.” She tugs on her shirt; it’s actually one of his. A light blue button down that somehow ended up with her things that she’s taken as he own. “Hey Lee.” She waves her hand in front of his face to get his attention. “You alright? Have you heard a word that I’ve said?” She asks with a smile on her face and her hands at her hips.
“Yeah, I heard you. I just….” He sighs as he runs his hand over his face. “I have to tell you something.”
She doesn’t hear how serious he is either. “What is it?”
“Maybe we should sit down.” He gestures to the couch and takes a seat and she looks at him with her eyebrows furrowed. “Come here.”
“Is everything okay?” She sounds worried and he shakes his head.
“I just need to tell you something.” She takes his hand and he pulls her down next to him.
“Is it…what is it? You’re making me nervous.”
He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“Lee, come on, I’m dying here.”
He knows the feeling. “I…” The words he needs to say die in his throat. He should just do it fast, rip on through it like pulling off a band aid. One big sting followed by some residual pain but it’ll be done and over with. “I cheated on you.” He says quietly but he knows she hears him because her whole face drops and she goes white. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Baby.”
“Don’t.” She pulls her hand away from him and looks down she’s never felt worse about anything.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.”
“How do you accidentally do that?” She asks, her voice deadly quiet and he knows from experience that when she’s like that the worst is going to happen.
“I don’t know. I was at a bar and was having the worst day and I was caught up in self pity or something and she was there and I was missing you so much, I missed you so much Harper, and I love you and I thought about you the whole time.”
She groans in disgust as she pushes herself up off the couch and he follows her.
“Who is she?”
He tries to hold her but she puts her hand on his chest to keep him at an arms lengths.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Answer me.” She’s still not looking at him but when he doesn’t answer she finally looks up. “Do I know her or something?” Her voice shakes and he tries to touch her again but she moves out of the way again. “Don’t. Do I know her Lee?”
“Yeah.”
“Who?”
Now he looks away and she covers her mouth with her hand as she figures it out on her own.
“Fuck you Lee.”
“I didn’t mean to Harper. Please. You have to believe me.”
“I won’t ever believe you again. You slept with her, you had sex with another woman, what do you expect me to do? Tell you that it’s all going to be okay and that I forgive you? Is that what you thought when you decided to tell me this? Is that what you thought when you actually did it? How many times? Was it at our place? Did you like it? Was she good?”
“Harper stop.”
“No. I want to know what was going through your mind when you did this. What went through your mind?”
“Nothing did. I was stupid. I made a mistake. Can you talk to me please, hear me out.”
“I don’t want to hear you out; I don’t want to talk to you at all. Get out, I’m done with you.”
“Don’t say that.” He pleads but he’s fighting a losing battle as she starts to unbutton his shirt that she’s wearing and forces it into his hands.
“I don’t want you anymore, not after that. I can’t.”
“But I love you.”
“I don’t care. I can’t love you anymore. Just get away from me. Take everything that you have of mine and get rid of it, I don’t want it, if you’ve touched it I don’t want it.”
“Don’t do this Harper.” His voice rasps and she shuts her eyes and shakes her head, trying to make sure that he doesn’t get to see her cry.
“Leave.”
He drags his hands through his hair and walks to the door. “I’m sorry.”
She hears the door close to the bus and finally let’s herself starts to cry. She curls up in the corner of her small bunk and the tears come.
Chapter 5/?
The make a great couple. Low key and happy. They slowly creep their way into tabloids, which she has to laugh at because it’s not like they do anything interesting or cool. They’re barely even together ever. After the show he’s off to New York and then Chicago to do press and it’s like he’s always gone and moving and she’s left missing him more than she probably should. But then he comes back to L.A, which she kind of hates without him there, and he’s home for more than one day in a row and he comes back looking like everything that she’s missed and tired and they spend all the time he has together. They usually stay in her hotel room, she hasn’t gotten an apartment yet and neither has he because he hasn’t had time. She loves to stay in with him. It’s private without the prying eyes and camera clicks of photographers. They spend a lot of time in bed, with his guitar across his lap as he tries to figure out what he should play and what songs he wants to put on his album and she lies next to him with her eyes closed listening and adding comments where she sees fit and it’s all very simple and easy.
She takes him home for two days. It’s really his doing, they were eating breakfast and he started to talk and ask questions about where she grew up and she was doing her best to answer but wasn’t doing a real good job so he sighed and put his coffee cup down.
“I wanna see.”
“See what?’
“Where you grew up.”
“No you don’t. I don’t even want to see where I grew up. It’s so boring.”
“It can’t be that boring. Plus boring sounds good right now. I have some time off coming up, we can go before tour starts. Like a mini vacation.”
“It’s not a vacation for me. It’s just home.”
“Don’t you miss it? When was the last time you were there?”
“Since I left for Hollywood.”
“That’s a long time Harper.”
“I know. It was nice.”
“Come on.” His foot brushes against her leg under the table and she looks up at him. “Take me home.”
“Fine. But get ready to hear ‘I told you so’ from me when you’re up there for ten minutes and you’re all, ‘I’m bored, I’m bored, this sucks, I hate you for taking me here.’” She imitates his voice and he laughs.
“I won’t say that.”
“Alright.” She says, her voice completely unsure as she stands up with the coffee cup and as she’s passing him he holds onto her hand.
“I’m excited.”
“You’re going to get let down.” She warns him and he shakes his head with a certainty that makes her smile.
She insists on driving upstate and he doesn’t fight it. He likes not thinking or worrying about what’s going to happen and he spends the whole ride either sleeping or humming along to the radio and she watches him out of the corner of her eye as she drives and always catches him looking at her. He thinks it’s impossible not to look at her. The window is wide open and her hair is blowing in the wind and her skin looks bright and sun kissed and he loves her so he has to and wants to look at her.
Her dad greets them when they pull up to the house. She wanted to get a hotel room for the two of them but the closest hotel is thirty minutes away and he’s totally fine with staying at her house.
He fits right into her family and friends. They all accept him and it’s almost annoying because it kind of feels like they all like him more than they like her but she can’t blame them. He’s perfect. He’s so nice to all her aunts and cousins and there’s isn’t a hint of conflict when she introduces him to her friends, even though he knows that most of them have slept with her. He knows they didn’t mean anything to her which, if he really thought about it would bother him because he would think that she was a little callous about sex but he knows that’s just the way she is and he knows that she loves him now and that’s all that matters.
If he ever doubted that all he would have to do is look at her. It’s all over her face when she looks at him. He’ll be eating dinner, surrounded by all her family, they all want to know what winning Idol was like and he’ll look over at her, it’s just a natural reflex for him now, and she’ll be smiling at him or when he’s playing football with her friends and she’s sitting on the porch with her sunglasses on and the light is dimming from the sky but it’s still muggy out and she’ll be talking to one of her cousins and she’ll glance over at him and give him a little wave and his heart warms.
Her dad pulls him aside while she’s out of the room and thanks him because he’s never seen her look happier and he knows it’s all Lee’s doing.
“I’m just glad she loves me back.” Lee tells him and Hank claps him on the back but lets him go before Harper comes back in because neither of the men are ready for the speech that she would give them about minding their own business.
She can’t wait for tour to start. At least that way she’ll know that he’ll be there at a steady pace and his time away from her will be on a schedule so they can actually plan things out. It’s all going to be more fun. Since she has him and they’re together she’s been a lot happier and more tolerable and people like her more so she can actually form friendships. Her casual acquaintance with Katie turns into a full blown friendship as they share hotel rooms and sit up talking on the bus late at night while the other girls are trying to sleep. The conversations tends to turn to Lee but when they don’t they’re about what’s going to happen in their futures, according to Katie Lee is Harper’s future. She playfully tells Harper that they’ll be married in the next six months and begs to be the maid of honor and Andrew will be the best man and any other couples that might come out of Idol will pale in comparison and Harper will roll her eyes and tell her to shut up because none of that will happen but then rests her chin on her palm as she listens to Katie talk about her plans to move to L.A after tour but she’s really only thinking about a white dress and an outdoor wedding and daisy’s as the bouquet and her dream man standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her.
He’s there for every show and for most of the days in between but he’s still so busy with his album so he’s out to California or New York, which ever coast they’re closest to at the time and she’s back to missing him but he tells her by text or late night phone call that this kind of distance is only temporary and can’t last forever. They just have to get through this and it’ll be alright.
There’s total trust between the two of them. She knows that he’s going to be faithful. He doesn’t have to be. It’s not like no one else wants him. She can see the girls that do while they sign autographs after shows. They’re the girls that act all innocent and cool but would sleep with him, girlfriend or no girlfriend without a second thought. She also sees the tweets that are sent to him, copy and pasted into DM’s sent to her by Andrew because he thinks that it’s funny and she shouldn’t be offended by it, they’re meaningless messages probably done out of fun or for a laugh but still, it bothers her and results in her unfollowing Andrew for a few days. He could cheat on her. It would be so easy, the girls are right there and Harper, some of the time, is a few states away and he can’t count the number of times he’s hugged a fan only to her whisper in his ear that no one has to know if he came back to her place with her or if she followed him to his hotel and then up to his room. Plus it’s like everyone he knows, all his friends and his dumbass brother remind him all the time that the girls are there, he should take one. He’s young and famous and on the cusp of being something really important and Harper doesn’t have to find out but he can’t do it. He can’t be that guy to anyone women but especially not Harper. She like to act like she’s strong but he knows that any kind of infidelity could break what they made and he’s not sure she could ever come back from that.
He loves touring. He loves the rush of it and the crowds and the adoration doesn’t really suck. But he loves it even more because she’s there with him. He doesn’t think that it would be half as fun without her. She’s so high energy and up for anything and when he’s tired she brings him right up and when she’s bouncing off the walls after a show and all he wants to do is sleep because he has to leave at 5:30 in the morning to get on a plane to fly off to a studio to write and record he can calm her down enough to just lie beside him with her hand in his as he drifts off to sleep. They balance each other out and feed off each other and it’s amazing. There are a hundred different words to describe it but that’s the one he always lands on, amazing, which she teases him about all the time and he laughs it off and wraps his arm around her shoulders if they’re in front of people being interviewed or he cuts her off with his lips on hers and his hand sliding under her shirt if they’re alone.
It’s hard for them to be truly alone. They have to work hard for just a few moments of privacy. It’s kind of draining, working their way across the country watching the miles roll by wanting so badly to be next to each other but they have to be separated by a bus.
He shocks the hell out of her one night after a show in New York. They’re getting ready to leave; he has to go stay and record for a few days while the rest of them need to get on the buses and make their way down the coast and Harper and Lee are lingering by the hotel doors, waiting until the last possible moment before they have to say goodbye.
His hands are securely on her hips and her arms are around his shoulders as they kiss and he sighs when she pulls away.
“I think I need to go.” She tells him and he shuts his eyes against her words.
“No. I don’t want you to go. I’m sick of you going or me going. Why can’t we just be in the same place?”
“Because.” Her hands slide down to his chest. “You won American Idol and now you have to make a record. It’s the way it goes.”
“I hate it.”
“You do not.” She laughs softly and kisses him again. “You don’t hate it.”
“I hate being away from you.”
“It’s not for too much longer. We only have a month left.”
“Too long.” He pouts and pulls her closer to his body.
“I wish it was a little different.” She admits and he looks around her to the buses. Everyone is just starting to climb on. “I really have to go.”
“No.” He says suddenly as he unwraps his arms from around her and takes a firm grip on her hand.
“What? Lee I have to go. They’re going to leave without me.”
“No they’re not. They can’t just take off. And if they did so what? There are planes.”
“Lee I don’t know what you’re thinking or talking about but it’s not good. Now I have to go and so do you. Isn’t your flight in a few hours? I thought you say that you wanted to try and sleep.”
“I don’t need sleep and you don’t need to go.” He says as he pulls her further into the lobby away from the doors and she tries to pull back but fails. “Let’s go do something.”
“What are we going to do?” She looks over her shoulder, people are starting to get impatient and one of the producers starts to make their way to the hotel to drag her out and she panics and pushes him towards the back exit. They’re doing this now.
“Who cares? Let’s just get lost in the city for a little while.” He pops open the door, thankful that no fire alarm rang or anything and they’re out in the side alley next to the hotel and then they both make a mad dash past the busses and down the street and they don’t stop until they’re blocks away from the busses and in the clear.
“Do you know how much trouble I’m going to get into?”
“Being in love has made you go soft. Where’s that badass girl that I met in Chicago?” He jokes and she pushes his chest.
“Sorry if I worry a little more now but this is serious.”
“We deserve a break.”
“I know but together? They don’t really like that we’re dating and now we’re running off together holding everyone up.”
“I know. It’s great.”
“What has gotten into you tonight? You’re usually the one that’s following me and now you’re pulling me down the sidewalk at ten o’clock at night in New York City.”
“I don’t know.” He turns to her in the middle of the side walk and the people that walk around them give them dirty looks but neither of them cares. “I just wanted to be with you.”
“Then I guess its okay. But now you have to entertain me for the next….how long are we going to stay out here?”
“Until we want to go back.” He says as he takes out his phone which has been ringing in his pocket and turns it off. “Andrew. I’m expecting an angry call from my manager any time now. You should shut yours off too.”
“What if they start to worry about us? I don’t want anyone to get upset or anything like that.”
He shakes his head with a smile and kisses her and she reaches up and runs her fingers through his hair to deepen the kiss. She’ll gladly follow him wherever he wants to take her.
They wind up in a diner, it’s like the one that they went to on the day that they first met except this time they sit on the same side with his arm over her shoulders and her head on his chest while her fingers move across his palm. It’s relaxing and carefree a for about an hour they can act like they’re just a normal couple with no life changing plans that have to do with music or fame. Like the only things that they would have to worry about would be where they would get dinner the next night and with whose family they would spend the holiday with. He wonders what it would’ve been like if they somehow met each other before Idol. What if she came to Chicago with a douchey boyfriend the year before and he still left her and he bumped into her just as he was leaving a bar after he played a show and he didn’t happen to have a girlfriend at that time and they got to talking and he took her out to get some coffee and talk and this time, she would’ve slept with him and he would agreed to that without a second thought because he would be single and he’s a guy and she’s her, beautiful and sexy and interesting and unlike anything he’s ever seen and afterwards she would insist on leaving but she wouldn’t go far because the next night she’s be right back with him, doing the same thing because it felt good and right and she’d fight against it with all that she had but in the end she’d give up because she can’t say no their whole relationship for too long and then they’d fall in love without having to work around a television show or fans opinions or people constantly taking pictures of them and printing them in magazines.
He gets her back to the bus an hour and a half later and they both get yelled at by management and producers but they take it holding each other’s hands and knowing that all the scolding in the world wouldn’t have changed their minds and made them stay. They needed that time together to regroup and keep them going.
He finally gets the time to look for apartments when he’s in L.A and he takes her with him. They see a lot of places but none of them feel right and he can feel the real estate agent getting increasingly annoyed with every apartment door that they close. They see the last one just as the sun is setting and the lights of the city are starting to come on. It’s big and airy and right on the water and as soon as the door is opened and she steps inside she falls in love with is and goes off to explore while Lee stays with the agent and listens to the details on it.
Every door she opens is better than the last. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, huge closets, high ceilings a beautiful kitchen and open living room and she could stare at the view from every window all day.
She comes back into the main room and tugs on his arm as he’s trying to listen. “This one.” She whispers to him before she heads back to the sliding glass doors that open out onto the patio.
“Can you give us a minute?” He asks the agent and she sighs and shrugs her shoulders as she leaves the apartment and he stands in the kitchen and watches her, her face almost pressed all the way against the glass. “What do you think?”
“Get it. Or. Don’t get it so I can get it.”
“You really like it?”
“It’s perfect. Look around, don’t you think it’s great?”
He only looks at her. “I know.”
“You won’t find something better.”
He’s still only looking and thinking of her. “I know that too.”
She looks back at him but her hands are still against the door leaving fingerprints. “So are you going to get it?”
He looks around for the first time trying to see what she sees. He thinks he sees a different version of it. He sees the high ceilings which would be perfect for a tall Christmas tree in December and a patio where they would sit on warm summer nights and watch the water while they sipped wine and talked and played their guitars and he would write songs about their life and how much he loved her and how happy he is now compared to what he had before. Two bedrooms, one for them and the other one could be a guest room until it’s slowly but surely turned into a nursery with light pink walls, because they’d have to have a girl, and white trim with a crib in it and a mobile above that and he’d watch her body change over the months and she’d spend the time complaining about getting fat and her back aching and he’ll spend hours and hours telling her that she’s beautiful and he loves her and their baby girl who will probably have the blondest hair he’s ever seen and big blue eyes that will be able to get him to give her anything she ever wants. There’s the big kitchen where he can see the two of them cooking and cutting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches’ on a diagonal and cutting carrot sticks to pack into a lunch box. As he looks out over the water and the beach all he sees is the potential of countless sand castles and days in the warm water and sunburns and tans and fun. He wants this apartment but only if it comes will all that.
“I think I’m going to get it.”
“Yay.” She cheers as he steps behind her and puts his arms around her waist and she leans back against him. “It’s perfect.”
“You’ve been saying that a lot lately.” He muses as he lips brush against the skin and she reaches behind him to runs her fingernails against the back of his head.
“Does it sound weird coming from me? I should stop.”
“Never stop.” He whispers and she giggles as his scruff and breath tickles her neck. “I’ll get this place on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You move in with me.”
She twists out of his arms so she can look at him. “Are you being serious?”
“Yes. We’ve seen every available apartment in the city and none of them are good enough and you love this place and we could make it ours. I always figured that you’d move in with me eventually anyways. Why do we have to wait? This can be our reward for making it through tour without an incident.” He drops his hands to her waist and pulls at the hem of her shirt a little bit. “You never thought about moving in with me?” He asks hesitantly, facing the growing fear that he went too fast too soon.
She shakes her head and leans up to kiss him sweetly. “I would love to live with you.” She says and he smiles into another kiss.
Their new apartment is all that is on their mind. She can’t wait to move in and he can’t wait to have her move in. She spends a lot of time planning what it’s going to look like, they’re starting from nothing and have to decorate and paint and she’s all over that and he’s happy to let her do whatever she wants because all he cares about is her being in the place, it doesn’t matter what color the walls are.
He’s counting down the days until tour is over because he’s ready to get started with her and that’s why what he does shocks him so much and makes him sick.
He’s in California and she’s in New Mexico or Arizona or something like that, he’s so busy that he’s lost track of her location but he knows she’s not with him and he misses her. And he’s having an off day in the studio. Everything he’s writing is shitty and sounds like crap and he can’t make anything work and he hates the ideas that his co writers are giving him so he ends up storming out of the building leaving his guitar behind and heads to the first bar he sees and orders a beer. It’s placed in front of him and he stares down into it, not really wanting a drink but he felt like he had to order it just to do something. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s in one of those moods where he thinks everything sucks and is falling apart and he feels like it was all a mistake and there’s no way he can do it. He just wants to go home and fall into bed until everyone in American has forgotten his name so he doesn’t feel any shame in giving up.
He sits there for awhile, until the beer is room temperature and he couldn’t drink it even if he wanted to and he’s at a crossroad. He could go back to his apartment that just has a mattress and a bottle of vodka in the freezer and fall asleep and hope that he feels better in the morning or he could go back to the studio, apologize to everyone for being such a diva and freaking out and try to write again hoping that something works out. He drops his head into his hands when he hears the voice of Chloe Carrington.
It’s smooth and flirty and he’s immediately on alert. He shouldn’t trust her, he knows how bad Harper freaked out about her that night in the bar and he doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries by accident. He watches her carefully as she sits down next to him, so close.
“Hey Lee.” She’s too casual and he nods at her. “You here alone?”
“Yup. She’s on tour still. I’m flying out to meet her tomorrow….somewhere.”
“Let’s not talk about her. Okay?”
“No. Not okay.”
“Oh come on.” She grabs her drink and takes a small sip. “I feel like she’s going to ruin our conversation even though she’s not here.”
“We shouldn’t be having a conversation.”
“Are you serious? Did she tell you that you couldn’t talk to me? That’s a little controlling don’t you think?”
“I thought we weren’t talking about her?”
“Oh.” She laughs and puts her hands up. “That’s fine with me. What do you want to talk about?”
“Nothing.” It’s the only safe answer.
“Why don’t you tell me why you’re here?”
“I just got frustrated and I needed to cool off so I came here.”
“Why’d you get frustrated?” She puts her hand on his knee and he rolls his eyes and moves away from her.
“Just a bad day.”
“Hmmm. You call your girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Why not? Wouldn’t that make you feel better?”
“I just didn’t.”
“That’s interesting.”
“It’s really not. I just didn’t call her.”
She looks him over slowly and moves her hand back to his knee and this time he doesn’t move away.
“I think you’re stressed. “
“I am.”
“You know what’s good to relieve stress?” Her hand moves further up his thigh and he should immediately move away and tell her no, a strong no, one that won’t give any doubt or question, and get up and get out of the bar and run back to his apartment and lie on the mattress and call Harper and talk for hours and hours until he feels better and can do all of this again. But instead, all he can do is listen to her purr out his name and swallow hard when her hand moves up his leg even further. “Don’t act like you don’t want to Lee.”
“I don’t. I love her.”
“I know you do. But right now, she’s not here and you don’t have. She won’t know. We can sneak out of here. There aren’t any cameras outside. It’ll just be one night.”
“I can’t.” He’s a jackass who is slowly losing willpower. “I can’t do any of this. You gotta stop.”
“Why? It’ll be fun. Come on Lee.” She tips her head towards the door and he shakes his head.
“No. “
“How many more times are you going to say no before you say yes?” She questions as she leans into him and he shuts his eyes and tries to think of Harper but can’t get it done.
“That’s what I thought.” She says with a small laughs as she slides off the barstool and he follows a little ways after her, trying to be inconspicuous but he quickly realizes that it doesn’t matter, no one cares about what they’re doing. “My place or yours?” She asks once they get onto the sidewalk.
“Yours.” He can’t take her back to his place. That’s Harper’s too and he doesn’t think he could ever get another woman in there. He can’t take Chloe back there and then ever expect Harper to exist in the same place. It’s too much. Of course right now he’s still operating under the assumption that Harper either won’t find out or they can work through this misstep together and everything will be okay again at some point.
He shakes his head in the cab over to her place. He’s thinking of Harper now but he’s in a cab going to Chloe’s place to have sex. He should be saying no right now. It’s never too late to back out and do the right thing until suddenly it is and he hasn’t gotten to there yet. But it gets to be too late when they get out of the cab and stumble into her apartment and into her bedroom and into her bed.
It’s not good and he wills it to go by fast and as soon as it’s over he lies back on the pillow for a moment and lets the disappointment that he feels in himself wash over him before he gets up and starts to pull on his close.
Chloe sighs and reaches across the bed where he was lying just seconds before.
“I won’t tell anyone Lee.”
“Don’t.” He warns as he zips his jeans and turns to her.
“Don’t worry. But…”
“But what? You don’t tell anyone.”
“Are you going to tell her? I won’t say anything but are you going to be okay? You know if you ever need to talk or anything I’m here.”
“You’ve done enough.”
“I think you have as well.” She says as she leans back to her side of the bed and he gets his shoes on and leaves.
He heads straight back to his place where he sits up all night on that mattress, with his knees tucked into his chest and his forehead resting on his hands, loathing himself. He’s a liar and a cheater and has probably wrecked one of the best things that have ever happened to him. He knows that she won’t forgive him for this. She won’t be able to move past it and he doesn’t really expect her to, doesn’t deserve for her to. It’s going to be the end for them if she should ever find out.
So he makes the decision to not tell her. He hopes that with time, he can move on from this too and forget it. He knows he loves Harper and sleeping with Chloe, it kills him to even think about it, was a huge mistake that he can’t take back but hopefully he can’t just focus on that.
The next day he has to meet up with everyone else for a show in Oklahoma and when she sees him the first thing she does is open her arms to him and hug him, kissing him on the cheek and she carefully pulls away when he doesn’t respond.
“Are you okay?” She asks him softly as she presses one hand to his cheek and he covers it with his own hand.
“Yeah.” No. He’ll never be okay. “I’m just tired.”
“Still? Didn’t you sleep at all?”
Nope. “Not really. I don’t know, I think I might be getting sick.” He’s felt like he could throw up ever since the incident happened.
“Oh no.” Her hand moves to his forehead and he wants to die over how much she cares for him and what a dick he’s been to her. “I hope you feel better. Are you going to be okay to sing tonight?”
“Yeah, I should be fine.” He shrugs and finally takes her into his arms.
It’s harder than he could ever have imagined keeping that secret from her and everyone else. He’s noticeably different, quiet and distance and he tells everyone that he’s tired and doesn’t feel well and they all believe it because it’s a believable story. With all that he does it’s natural to think that he would be worn out. But with this weighing on him it makes everything so much worse.
He can’t go on like that. He has to tell her and then just hope for the best. Beg for forgiveness so they can still be together. He’s not afraid to get pathetic on her because he’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep her in his life.
He waits until the last night of tour, after the final show. He gets onto the girls bus and asks them all to leave so he can talk to Harper in private and they’re all so buzzed from the crowd that night that they don’t notice the serious look on his face as he says it and he sees Katie tug on Harper’s shirt and mouth the word ‘proposal’ and Lee’s heart drops and Harper rolls her eyes with a smile and pushes her away.
Once they’re alone she doesn’t stop moving. She’s still packing up her things, throwing her clothes into her bag not bothering to fold them because she’s only going to take them out again and refold them when she gets to his place, their place.
She pulls her hair back off her face and into a loose bun as she looks up from her work.
“Everyone wants to go out tonight, you know, as kind of a goodbye dinner. You up for that?” She looks him over carefully. “You still don’t look like yourself.” She tugs on her shirt; it’s actually one of his. A light blue button down that somehow ended up with her things that she’s taken as he own. “Hey Lee.” She waves her hand in front of his face to get his attention. “You alright? Have you heard a word that I’ve said?” She asks with a smile on her face and her hands at her hips.
“Yeah, I heard you. I just….” He sighs as he runs his hand over his face. “I have to tell you something.”
She doesn’t hear how serious he is either. “What is it?”
“Maybe we should sit down.” He gestures to the couch and takes a seat and she looks at him with her eyebrows furrowed. “Come here.”
“Is everything okay?” She sounds worried and he shakes his head.
“I just need to tell you something.” She takes his hand and he pulls her down next to him.
“Is it…what is it? You’re making me nervous.”
He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“Lee, come on, I’m dying here.”
He knows the feeling. “I…” The words he needs to say die in his throat. He should just do it fast, rip on through it like pulling off a band aid. One big sting followed by some residual pain but it’ll be done and over with. “I cheated on you.” He says quietly but he knows she hears him because her whole face drops and she goes white. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Baby.”
“Don’t.” She pulls her hand away from him and looks down she’s never felt worse about anything.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.”
“How do you accidentally do that?” She asks, her voice deadly quiet and he knows from experience that when she’s like that the worst is going to happen.
“I don’t know. I was at a bar and was having the worst day and I was caught up in self pity or something and she was there and I was missing you so much, I missed you so much Harper, and I love you and I thought about you the whole time.”
She groans in disgust as she pushes herself up off the couch and he follows her.
“Who is she?”
He tries to hold her but she puts her hand on his chest to keep him at an arms lengths.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Answer me.” She’s still not looking at him but when he doesn’t answer she finally looks up. “Do I know her or something?” Her voice shakes and he tries to touch her again but she moves out of the way again. “Don’t. Do I know her Lee?”
“Yeah.”
“Who?”
Now he looks away and she covers her mouth with her hand as she figures it out on her own.
“Fuck you Lee.”
“I didn’t mean to Harper. Please. You have to believe me.”
“I won’t ever believe you again. You slept with her, you had sex with another woman, what do you expect me to do? Tell you that it’s all going to be okay and that I forgive you? Is that what you thought when you decided to tell me this? Is that what you thought when you actually did it? How many times? Was it at our place? Did you like it? Was she good?”
“Harper stop.”
“No. I want to know what was going through your mind when you did this. What went through your mind?”
“Nothing did. I was stupid. I made a mistake. Can you talk to me please, hear me out.”
“I don’t want to hear you out; I don’t want to talk to you at all. Get out, I’m done with you.”
“Don’t say that.” He pleads but he’s fighting a losing battle as she starts to unbutton his shirt that she’s wearing and forces it into his hands.
“I don’t want you anymore, not after that. I can’t.”
“But I love you.”
“I don’t care. I can’t love you anymore. Just get away from me. Take everything that you have of mine and get rid of it, I don’t want it, if you’ve touched it I don’t want it.”
“Don’t do this Harper.” His voice rasps and she shuts her eyes and shakes her head, trying to make sure that he doesn’t get to see her cry.
“Leave.”
He drags his hands through his hair and walks to the door. “I’m sorry.”
She hears the door close to the bus and finally let’s herself starts to cry. She curls up in the corner of her small bunk and the tears come.