"And I Can't Go Back"

[raeghan]

Chapter 17/23
Dedicated to my girl Meghan. You know why. What up!
He sends you his single on a CD 15 days before Christmas.
"This is the final cut so if you don't like it, there's really nothing I can do about it, but if you really don't like it I can try to do something." 
"You're acting like my opinions matters."
"Yours is the only one that matters."
So you break open the package, the phone craddled on your shoulder and you take out the cd, it has the words 'Falling Slowly' written on it and you put in in your cd player and press play and you can hear Lee take a deep breath and hold it in.
"Relax Lee, you're going to be fine"
"I just want you to like it."
"Have I even not liked anything you did?"
"No. That's why if you don't like this it would be so bad."
"Stop talking, let me listen."
It's a gorgeous song. It's beautiful and sad and haunting almost and you can easily imagine yourself crying to it if you really thought about it. 
You're silent for a few moments after it ends and you can hear Lee take an impatient breath.
"Are you still there? Silence isn't good. You gotta give me something."
"I love it." It's all you can say.
"Give me more then that." He pleads.
"I loved it." 
"You said that already." He snaps out and you feel bad because he's counting on your feed back and all you can do is say the same thing over again but that's what you think. Love is what you feel when you hear it.
'I." You start but then stop because 'love' was about to come out of your mouth. "Don't you dare change anything. It's beautiful."

It's officially released a week later and you fight to write a review for it.
"He's a local artist who's having success in New York, he's on the radio, I don't get why you don't think this is a good idea."
"I don't need to give you a reason, i'm in charge, that's enough." Your boss spits out.
That pisses you off enough that you stop caring about your job. You write the review anyways. You have to flirt with the guy who lays out the design of the paper so he can let you slip the write up in. You lean against his desk and giggle and touch his shoulder and your article in in the paper and you're fully ready to get yelled at or maybe get fired when your boss calls you into her office the next day.
"What the hell were you thinking? How did you get this in here?"
"It doesn't matter how I did it. Just matters that I did it." 
"You didn't have the right to do that."
"I don't care." You sigh. "I've worked here for 5 years and i've been treated like shit for the whole time. I don't deserve this."
"What makes you think,"
"Shut up. I'm so sick of hearing you talk like you're better then me. You're not. You're a sucky writer and editor and I don't know how you even got this job."
"Why didn't you quit?"
"Like I would give you the satisfaction of watching me quit."
She looks at you with hard eyes before she speaks. "Then I guess you technically won. Pack up and get out."

You storm out of the building and you don't feel the effects of what happend until you're in the elevator of your building.
You're unemployed and the chances of you getting another job are slim to none and you can't think of anything but how screwed you are and how much you fucked everything up and how much of a hypocrite you are for getting on Lee for not caring about his job and you pull that stunt and oh my god what the hell are you gonna do.
The phones ringing when you get into the apartment and you don't want to answer it so the machine gets it. "Hey," It's Lee and his voice is bubbly and you pick up the phone cause you need that now.
"Hey."
"Hi, did you just get in? I called your cell but you didn't pick up."
Your hand reaches into your pocket for your phone. You must have not heard it ring because you were too busy freaking out. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I got you know. I heard about your review from, like, everyone I know. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I guess I wanted to surprise you."
"My mom's sending me a bunch of copies, she's so proud. Thanks so much, you got my back, I don't know how to thank you."
"Don't worry about it."
"You okay? Is something wrong?"
You hate that he knows you well enough to know when something is wrong. "I don't feel well." It's a white lie.
"I'm sorry. I'll let you go, call you later. Feel better."
"That would be great."
"Okay, thanks again. Love you."
"I love you too."

You go stir crazy for the next week because you have no idea what to do and you're terrified to spend money because you know you're gonna run out of it without a job and you're worried about what you're gonna tell Lee because you have to tell him somethime and every minute you don't tell him you feel worse and worse but at the same time every minute that passes is a minute closer to seeing him and there's no badside to that.
You only realize that you could fly out to him anytime you want the day before you're supposed to leave. There's nothing keeping you here, no job you have to be at and it hits you while you're lying in bed and then you're up and trading your ticket in for an earlier flight and you're tired and cranky because you didn't think of this before.
You can't sleep on the plane because you're trying to remember his address and what apartment he lives in and how you're gonna get up those stairs at one o'clock in the morning and how he's going to react to you being there, and how you're going to tell him what happened. You don't want him to get upset that you were that irresponsible when you yelled at him doing much less then that and you don't want him to feel guilty, like it was his fault. If you didn't write the review about his song you'd still have your job.
You make it to his door and now along with being tired and cranky you're also sweaty from dragging your bag up the flights and you rest against the wall as you knock on his door.
It takes him three minutes to answer and when he opens it your stomach flips.
He's rubbing his eyes, has bed head, and bare feet and hes got on dark blue boxers and a light grey t-shirt. Your hands curls around the back of his head and you're bringing his face down to you so you can kiss him before either of you can say anything.
It's slow and sleepy and when you pull away his eyes remain closed for a few moments and it's so peaceful that you can't tell him about your job right away. 
"Is it okay that I came early?"
"Yes, it always is." He grabs your bag off the floor and pulls you into his apartment. "Why didn't you tell me, I would've picked you up."
"I wasn't thinking. It wasn't really planned. I'm sorry I woke you."
He waves his hand to tell you not to worry. "I'm just glad you're here." He sits on the arm of the couch and draws you close to him and his hands slide under your jacket, his fingers move across the fabric of your shirt. Your fingers thread through his hair and you tip his head back and kiss him and you step between his legs.
"How tired are you right now?" You say in a hushed tone. He smiles and you know that he's exhausted. "Me too." You kiss his forehead and he stands and brings you back to his room.
He pulls you tight to him so your head is resting on the same pillow and you fall asleep. When you wake up he's facing you and you watch him, analyze how his eyelashes rest on his skin, freckles that spread across his nose and the way his full lips part slightly and he breathes.
When his eyes flutter open and he focuses on you "I love you" comes out without you even thinking about it. He puts his hand on the side of your face, moving some hair back.
"I love you too." He kisses you lightly then shifts away and his hand slides off your face. "Breakfast?" He asks and he rolls out of bed when you nod.
You stretch out your body, arching your back to work out the muscles. His eyes drag across you and he makes a deep sound in the back of his throat.
"I'm not tired anymore." 
You meet his eyes and get up and crawl across the bed to him. He catches your hips in his hand and you kiss him lightly.
"But i'm hungry."
"I'll make you food but then.." He squeezes your hips.
"Depends on how good the food is." 
He pouts for a second before he drops his lips to your neck then walks with you out of the bedroom.
"What do you want?" He asks as he goes to the kitchen and you stay in the living room.
"What do you have? Or what can you make?"
"Anything you want."
"Well, what do you have?"
"We're going in circles."
"I'm getting dizzy. What do you want to eat?"
"Waffles?"
"You have a waffle iron?"
"I do."
"You're a constant surprise." You look around the room and in the corner there's a small Christmas tree. "You got a tree!" You hurry over to it and touch the branches. "It's real too. How'd you get it up the stairs?"
"I had to pay someone because all my 'friends' were 'busy' and I paid him too much and it sucked but, I figured I couldn't not have one. I know you like traditions like this, like Thanksgiving, and I made you come here for Christmas, I took you away from your family and I wanted you make it feel like home."
He's digging through the fridge for things to make waffles with and it takes you four steps to get to him. You pull him out of the fridge and close the door, put what's in his arms on the counter and kiss him. Your lips move hard on his and he reacts right away because this is what he wanted since you walked in last night. You push him back against the counter. His hands move to take off your pajama bottoms and you move out of the way. "No." You mumble against his skin. It's not about you right now and he doesn't get that until your fingers curl around the waist band of his boxers and you drop down to your knees.
"You don't have to." He says and tries to get you to stand but you pull down his boxers anyways.
"You've done so much for me." You say as you kiss across his hip and then acoss his waist on the sensitive skin of his stomach. His hands rest on the edge of the counter and he grips it tighter as you move your lips across his skin. "I have to do something to thank you."
You roll his hips towards you and his right hand curls into your hair, gently pulling on it and he moans quietly as you take him in.
Your fingernails scratch across his thighs and down to the backs of his knees and you can feel them weaken, his fingers tighten in your hair and his head falls back against the cabinets behind him and he groans, deep and smokey and he shudders against your mouth.
"God. Just. Holy fuck." He rasps out.
"Sacrilegious." You say as you pull away from him.
He takes a few deep breaths in before he looks down at you and sticks a hand out to help you up. "That was...i'm gonna do more for you now. Anything you want, just name it, it's yours."
You press a finger to his lips to stop him then replace it with your mouth. "You love me, that's enough."

While he is at the studio that afternoon you shop. It's a hunt to find the best gift you can and it's impossible and you're about to give up when you see it. Hes told you about all the records that he has collected over the years, some that he got from his father and some that hes gotten on his own and hes said that he can't find a record player that actually works anywhere and when you see one in the back of the store you buy it, not caring about how much it costs.
When you get back to his apartment he's already there and you can't sneak the gift in without him seeing it.
"Present?" He asks, trying to see into the bag.
"Yes. Not for now, you gotta wait. Don't look in your closet." You stash the bag in the back of his closet and come back into the living room. You lean over to kiss him quickly on the lips and rest your arms on the back of the couch. He plays with your hair and tells you about his plans for Chistmas Eve.
"It's just a party that the lable is having. I don't know if you want to go but I think I have to."
"I'll go."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, why do you always think that I don't want to do things?"
"I think I think you're boring." He jokes.
"Well, usually I am but for a holiday I make an exception. Am I dressing up?"
"If you want to."
"I'll look hot for you."
"You always do." He says automatically.
You kiss him again.

The party is at a hotel ten minutes from his place. You're wearing a dark green dress, (after a struggle you finally decided to wear it. You had an argument with Lee about it as you were getting dressed. "I don't want to look like a cliche." "How would that happen?" "A green dress. On Christmas. That would be like me telling you to wear a Santa tie tonight." He snorts back a laugh. "Not the samething." "In my mind it is." "You look great, it's dark green, I don't associate that with Christmas." "Fine, but if anyone says anything about it tonight i'm gonna be pissed." "No one will say anything." "You don't know." "My god, just throw something on, I don't even care anymore." "Fine." You pick the green dress.) and your hair is curled in waves around your shoulder and you think you look pretty good until Lee whispers in your ear in the cab, "you look gorgeous." and your confidence shoots up.
You recognize a few people from the last time you visited and most of them are pleasently buzzed and there's a couple making out under the mistletoe, and a group of six or seven laughing in the corner.
He takes you to the bar and orders you both a drink. While you're waiting his manager comes over.
Liz.
She's prettier up close and you relish in the fact that you're taller than her and then you feel so juvenile but when she basically ignores you and talks to Lee without acknowledging you, you don't feel bad about that and begin to look for her imperfections.
Lee introduces you and holds you close to him and you can see Liz's eyes rake over you, looking for your flaws as well, but Lee is wrapped around you and that's all you care about, and probably the only one she cares about as well.
"If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here, she wrote the review in the paper that got me signed. I owe it all to her."
"It's not all me. You're good. You got here by yourself." 
"He is good." Liz interjects and you tighten your hold on Lee and he notices, and then you feel childish. You loosen your grip and Lee sees someone on the other side of the room he has to talk to. He kisses you on the lips before he lets you go and you know he can feel Liz judging you too. You watch her as he walks away and you watch her.
Once he's out of earshot she turns back to you.
"I thnk it's nice that you're visiting him. Y'know, while you still can."
"Whats that mean, while I still can."
"He's going to be famous. His single is doing very well and his album will do better. He'll be touring, a different city every night. Not much time for a girlfriend. And he's only been with you for a few months so.."
"I don't see how this is any of your business."
"He is my business, I manage him."
"You manage his career, not his personal life."
"Those two tend to go hand in hand."
"How would you know? You've only been a manager for a few months." You say, using her words against you.
"It's just common sense. He's hot." She looks over to him and so do you. He's standing with some men, a drink in his hand and he's laughing. "Women will be throwing themselves at him. You expect him to say no all the time? He's a guy."
"He's better then that."
"Is he really?" She says it like she knows how the two of you started. "Maybe he'll end it with you first but.....9 times out of 10 it ends." 
"I don't believe you."
She touches your arm and you pull away. "Hey, I hope i'm wrong. You seem nice. But, sometimes that's not enough." 
You roll your eyes. "I'm not scared of you. I don't care what you think will happen or what you're trying to do, because I know you don't know anything about us, so back the fuck off."
"Whos spent more time with him these past few months?" She say. "You or me? I've seen him everyday."
"Doesn't matter." You can feel your defenses getting weak.
"Keep telling yourself that." She walks off just as Lee walks back over to you and he has no idea whats happened or that your pissed off so he puts his arm around you and guides you into the crowd where he continues to talk and drink and you stand next to him and try to push what she said out of your mind but everytime you look around the room your eyes land on some girl that's looking at him and you want to leave so bad. You need to get away from this.
But if you can't deal with all the attention he's getting before everyone knows who he is how are you going to deal with it when they all do.

What if you're the problem?

You leave with him and he's slightly drunk, not too bad but he holds onto you as you walk out onto the street, not just because he wants to, but because he needs to and he tells you he loves you over and over again and you know he does.
But now you're waiting for the day when that stops.