I Know I Make You Cry And I Know Sometimes You Want To Die But Do You Really Feel Alive Without Me?
Chapter: 7/9
Song: Accidental Babies- Damien Rice
Word Count: 7,633
Rachel is standing sideways in the full length mirror hanging on the closet door when Jared finds her.
He’s got two cups of coffee in his hands as he stands in the door frame to watch her.
Luke has been out of town with the team for three days and Jared and Rachel have already slept together five times.
Rachel is acting…not like herself. She’s happy-ish. Not full on happy, he hasn’t seen her be truly happy in a long time, if ever, but she’s smiling and laughing, at him, but still. It’s like she’s in a haze of acceptance. She’s not letting herself think and dwell on what she’s doing while she’s doing it. She’s married and she’s sleeping with someone that isn’t her husband and that’s just the way things are. Her time spent with the two is completely separate-one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. She’s at peace with it.
A couple of weeks ago Jared would’ve been content with that. He has always hated that he’s been doing this to Luke but his love for Rachel outweighed that. He’s going to stick around as long as she wants and needs him to and now that she’s finally gotten over the betrayal aspect and it’s not on her mind all the time when she’s with him in his eyes that’s one step closer to her finally accepting him.
But now when he thinks of the forward way she texted him asking him to come to her place (something that had been strictly off limits before, it was always his house before even with the close call with his mother) and the look on her face when she opened the door and the way she pulled him into her for a kiss and so much more he wants to grab at her and yell at her to remind her of just what they are doing and how wrong it is.
She’s acting that way and he’s acting this way because she has no idea that Luke is on to her. If she did she would be completely different, worse than she was before. She would for sure push Jared further away. She’d never speak to him again and she would do her best to never see him again. If it ever gets out it will end them.
He needs to hold onto every moment they have together now even though every moment they spend together could end up making Luke more and more suspicious. He’s going to figure out that she’s spending time with somebody and when confronted with the accusation from Luke Jared’s not sure how she’ll handle it; if she’ll remain strong and innocent and if she’ll crack and give both of them up.
But once again his love for her overpowers his worries as he leans against the side of the doorframe to really look at her.
She’s standing sideways in front of the mirror concentrating so hard on her reflection that she doesn’t notice the way his body casts a shadow across the floor large enough to almost reach her. Her skin looks pale in the dim light and in contrast to the midnight fabric of her bra and panties which are all she has on. Her head is tilted down slightly; enough to make her red hair fall forward and past her shoulders. It’s been awhile since she’s gotten it cut and it bends and waves down by her bent elbows. Her fingers are pressed against her stomach and Jared can tell that’s her main focus. To him, there’s nothing different in the way that she looks now compared to the way she looked a month ago or the first time he saw her. But there’s something about the way she looks now that has her captivated. She hunches her shoulders and then stands up straight and takes a deep breath and holds it as she stares intently at her reflection.
He clears his throat almost by accident; an involuntary tic, and she jumps and moves her hands from her stomach to her heart.
“Oh my god what is wrong with you?” She rushes out, angry at first and then ending with a laugh.
“Sorry.” He says quietly as he crosses the room to her, his bare feet padding across the hardwood floor are making the only sounds in the whole house.
“What were you doing?”
“Getting coffee.” He hands her a cup and he takes a long sip. It burns his tongue.
“Why were you staring at me?” She takes her own sip and the heat doesn’t seem to bother her.
“I like staring at you.” He shrugs as he drops a kiss to her lips. She tastes like coffee.
She rolls her eyes and smiles at the same time.
He nods at the mirror and then at her. “What were you doing?”
“Oh.” She blushes, embarrassed that she was caught. “You know, just scrutinizing myself and picking my body apart. Usual stuff.”
He reaches out and squeezes her side. “What do you have to pick apart?”
She hands the coffee back to him so she can bend down and pick her t-shirt off the floor. “So many things.” She says as she pulls the shirt over her head and tugs on the hem. She gives herself one more look over her shoulder to the mirror before she sits down on the edge of the bed. “I have gained so much weight since I’ve been down here.”
He frowns.
“All this fried, southern food.”
The bed dips under his weight as he sits down next to her.
“I don’t know how you do it. You’ve lived here for so long and you’ve got nothing.” She says with a pat to his stomach.
“There’s not nothing there.” He tries to cover her hand with his but she casually pulls it away. “I’ve got abs of steel, baby.”
She snorts out a laugh. “Yeah. Right. I need to join a gym to get rid of this.” She rests her hand on her stomach and Jared still can’t see what she’s talking about. There’s nothing there to get rid of.
“Maybe you’re pregnant.”
It flies out of his mouth before he can even think about it. He thinks he really means it as a joke because he’s heard it himself. He has had it said to him, from Luke, no less. On one of Jared’s more vain and insecure days he told Luke that he felt fat and Luke immediately answered with ‘maybe you’re pregnant.’ Jared laughed and gave him the finger and it was over. He wants Rachel to act the same way.
She laughs and Jared breathes a sigh of relief. Even though this new, carefree, Rachel is frustrating in a lot of ways she’s a lot easier to deal with than over the top, take everything seriously and pick a fight constantly Rachel that he used to know.
“God.” She laughs softly as she lies back on the bed and pulls his arm wanting him to join her but he can’t because he’s still got the coffee in his hands. “That would be the last thing that I would need right now.”
“Why?” He takes another small sip-one that doesn’t hurt as much-and really thinks about how he’s going to word the next part of his sentence. “Because you wouldn’t be able to tell if it was mine or his?” He says flatly, letting her know that he is by no means kidding about this one.
He meets her confused gaze with a set jaw and narrowed eyes because he wants to start something with her.
She leans up on her elbow never breaking eye contact with him. He’s not backing down.
“Why would you say that?” She asks.
“Because you seem to have forgotten about it; you’re acting like nothing’s wrong.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted? Didn’t you want me to loosen up and have fun?”
“Not-like this. Not anymore.”
“So I need to act exactly how you want me to act all the time. It can change whenever you want it to and I just have to go with it?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying?” She sits all the way up and she’s got that edge back to her voice that lets him know that she’s in this now too.
“I’m saying that I’m tired.” He says slowly, choosing his words carefully.
“Tired of what?”
He stands and paces with the two cups still in his hands. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of doing this and the way that you’re acting--.”
“How am I acting?”
“Like you don’t care…like you’ve forgotten what we’re doing.”
“Do you seriously think that I could ever forget what we’re doing? I think about it all the time.”
“Yeah and you used to act like you did.”
“So that’s what you want?”
“No.”
“Holy.” She pauses and shakes her head in disbelief of the sudden role reversal. “Fuck Jared, you don’t know what you want, do you?”
“I want you.”
“Well--.”
“I’m not going to get you. Right? Is that what you’re going to say?”
“Yes. Is that what you want to hear?”
“No and that’s what I’m tired of. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
She blinks at him. “Okay.”
“I don’t want to do this.” He gestures around the room and some of the coffee sloshes over the sides and hits the floor but it’s the least of her worries. “I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to be your secret. Fuck, I don’t want you to be my secret. I want you to choose.”
“Just like that? You just want me to choose. I already did that. I told you I was never going to leave him.”
“Then what the hell am I doing here?”
“I don’t know, Jared. I mean it’s not like anyone put a gun to your head and forced you to come here.”
“No because no one would ever have to. I came here because I love you and that’s the only reason that I will ever need to do anything you want me to. Don’t you get it? I am doing all of this for you. I am hurting my best friend and cheating on a girl that could really love me-she could really love me and I could be happy-but I love you so much that none of that matters. If you say jump, honey, I’m going to say how high. I am here for you so what the hell is your excuse? Why do you want me here if you don’t love me too?”
She crosses her arms and stares down at her feet. “What do you want me to do?”
“What I have always wanted you to do.” He kneels in front of her and uncrosses her arms. She pulls back trying to get her hands out of his but he holds on. “I want you to just tell me that you love me back. I know you do. You wouldn’t be doing this and wasting your time if you didn’t. You want me here because you want me. Why is that so hard for you to admit? There’s no shame in it.”
“Because it doesn’t mean anything.”
He cradles her chin in his hand so she’s forced to look at him. “It means a hell of a lot to me.” Her eyes drop from his and he takes his hand away as he stands up slowly. “But you don’t really give a shit about me. Is that how it really is?”
“No.”
“Then what the hell?”
“It’s complicated.”
“No it’s not. You’re either with him or you’re with me but you can’t have it both ways.”
“I know.”
“Then make a choice.”
“I already have.”
He shakes his head and grabs his shirt off the bed next to her. “Then I guess that’s it.”
“What is?”
“This is it. This is the end.”
“I think I’ve heard this before. I think I was actually the one to say it.”
“Well now it actually mean something because I’m the one that’s saying it. Alright, I’m the one that’s more invested in this thing so if I say that if I walk out that door and I’m not coming back you better believe it.”
She laughs and shakes her head at him. “Yeah right. You can leave but for how long?”
“I don’t know, Rach, probably until you call me and want me back again. Congratulations-you have all the power. Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? How I feel about doing this to Claire?”
“Oh my god.” She tips her head back and rolls her eyes at the ceiling. “I am so sick about hearing about Claire. It’s always Claire this and Claire that and Claire is so great Rachel, you two should be best friends because she’s just the best and I am so goddamned sick of her. She is not that great.”
“Actually she is great. She’s great and you don’t know that because you are too jealous so see it.”
“I am not jealous.”
“Yes you are. You can’t stand the thought of me and her together.”
“There is nothing to be jealous of?”
“Really? So you’d be totally okay if I fell in love with her and married her and we had kids.”
“That is not going to happen.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you are not going to marry her. You’re not going to marry anyone. You screw around and fuck things up. I’m not jealous of Claire because her days are numbered. You’re going to screw it up eventually and then she’ll be gone. Thank god.”
“Is that what you think of me?”
“Yes. You don’t take anything seriously. You have moved on from one thing to the next for too long for me to believe anything that you say. Do you think that I’m going to throw away everything that I have on you? What’s going to happen when you screw it up with me and you get to move on like nothing ever happened because you have nothing to lose and I just threw away a whole marriage for nothing?”
“It wouldn’t be for nothing and I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Is that what you tell every girl?”
He opens his mouth to defend himself but then presses his lips into a thin line.
“That’s what I thought. They’re all perfect and special until they’re not anymore. I’m not going to risk it.”
“Because god forbid you take a risk on something at one point in your life. Why can’t you just do what you want to do without worrying what’s going to happen in the future or what people are going to think about you?”
“Because I don’t do that, that’s not who I am.”
“Why the hell not? You could have so much more than this.”
“This is what I want. I have all that I want.”
“Really? You want to have this job and live down here for the rest of your life?”
“Sometimes you have to compromise.”
“You seem to be compromising a lot. Are you happy?”
“Right now, no.”
“I’m not talking about right now. Can you honestly tell me that you’re happy with him?”
“Yes.” She answers too quickly, like it’s something she’s practiced.
“Really? You’re going to spend the rest of your life with him and have babies with him--.”
“That’s what I agreed to when I married him.” She says hotly.
“Things can change.”
“You want them to but they just aren’t. This whole thing…”
“Is a mistake.” He fills in. “I’m a mistake and nothing should’ve ever happened between us because I’m so far beneath you and you’re so much better and more responsible and you could never even think about being with me in a million years. I know all of this. You remind me all the time.”
All the fight drains out of her eyes. It was never her intention to make him feel like he was less important than she was; like he wasn’t on her level. It’s just that she hates herself so much for the choices that she’s made and what they have cost her that she dragged him down with her. If she really thinks what he thinks she does it’s only because she thinks even worse of herself.
“To be fair, Jared, you knew I was a bitch from the moment that you meant me. What did you expect?”
“I know.” He hates that she has the nerve to even think about laughing. “I know you’re a bitch. How you ever got two men to fall in love with you, I’ll never understand.”
“Then maybe you should stop.”
“Fuck.” He runs his hand heavily through his hair. “God, I wish it was that easy.”
There’s a long stretch of silence between them with her staring at the ground and him staring at her and he finally has to break it with a loud sigh that gets her to raise her eyes.
“I’m going. I don’t really want to be back but I don’t know.” He shrugs and her eyes move back to the floor. “We’ll see what happens.”
“I won’t call you if you won’t call me.” She says simply.
“Fine. I can live with it if you can.” He walks over to the door and she doesn’t get up from the bed to see him out. “And I know you can.” He tosses over his shoulder because he felt like he needed one more unnecessary dig at her, one that he regrets the whole way home.
“Hey man, can you do me a favor?”
Jared pulls the phone away from his face and sighs heavily. It’s been almost a month since Jared has spoken to Rachel and he’s expecting the worst out of this conversation with Luke. “Sure, what do you need?”
“Can you get Rachel to go out with you guys tonight?” There’s a long pause as Jared figures out how to react. “Jared?”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“That’s not really an answer that I’m going to accept.”
“I would like to have her out with you than just hanging out at home or doing whatever she does when I’m not around.”
Jared sighs again but this time he doesn’t care if Luke hears him. “So you still think she’s cheating on you?”
“Well…yeah.”
Obviously his and Rachel’s month long separation has done nothing to calm Luke’s fears.
“You gotta let this go.”
“I can’t. She’s my wife--.”
“Then you have to trust her.”
“I can’t.”
“Well if you’re not going to talk to her about it-you haven’t even talked to her, have you?”
“No.”
“If you don’t have the guts to bring it up then you don’t have the guts to accuse her.”
“I know, I know. I’m probably just paranoid but I can’t shake this feeling.”
“Try harder.”
“I’m trying to work on it but for now would you please take her with you?”
“She’s probably going to refuse. I can ask all you want me to but that doesn’t mean that she’s going to say yes. I can’t force her.”
“I’m going to ask her and work on it for you. You won’t have to say a thing to her.”
“This is a stupid idea.”
“This is the only idea that I have.”
“I have one. It involves you acting like an adult and actually talking to your wife.”
“I’m not at that level of adulthood yet so I gotta cop out.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“And you’re an amazing friend. She’ll be there. Don’t worry about it.”
“Fine. This isn’t solving anything though and I’m not going to entertain her. I don’t really want here there. It’s my birthday. It should be stress free and…” He stops himself and takes a deep breath. “I’m already getting worked up over it. I need a drink.”
“It’ll be fine. I feel like if she has somewhere she needs to be it’ll stop her from doing whatever she was going to be doing.”
“This is suck.”
“Humor me until I get home and talk to her.”
“You’re really going to talk to her when you get home? Because I don’t believe you.”
“I will. I promise.” There’s a pause. “Maybe after Doug and Sarah get married. My life might be ruined, why do we have to ruin theirs too?”
“That is a month away and they’re ruining their own lives. You talking to Rachel about something that’s not even true aren’t going to do anything.”
Luke sighs into the phone. “I really got to get going.”
“You’re a coward.” There’s less malice in his words than there really should be.
“Love you too man, happy birthday. Look for her tonight.”
He hangs up and Jared rolls his eyes and pulls a beer out of his refrigerator. If Luke would just relax and take his word-believe his lie-everything would be fine. Instead he’s pushing the issue and pushing Rachel and him closer together.
Luke must do a shitty job of talking Rachel into coming because hours and many glasses of beer go by at the bar and she’s not there. It’s starting to annoy him. It’s not so much that she’s missing his birthday, he doesn’t care about that and he understands why she wouldn’t show up for that. It’s more that she’s not doing this one thing for Luke. She can’t bring herself to do this one little thing for him.
He drunk dials her with every intention to tell her just how awful she’s being but that quickly dissolves when he hears her sleepy voice on the other end.
“Babe.”
Rachel recognizes the drunken voice immediately and squeezes her eyes shut. She honestly thought that he would let this go and they’d let Luke think that she was at the party. She expected him to have her back just a little bit.
“Jared.”
“Rachel. Get your ass down here. We are having so much fun and it’s not fair that you’re sittin’ home alone…..Rachel.” He yells her name into the phone, over the chaos that seems to be surrounding him at the bar and she presses her fingertips into her eyes and rubs her temples with her thumbs. “Baby, you there?”
“Stop calling me baby.” She groans out of annoyance and then cringes because he’s saying this shit out loud and while she’s willing to bet that all his friends are drunk and won’t register her name and baby being in the same sentence as something to be concerned about, things can still come into the light in the sobering hours. “I’m hanging up now.”
“No!” He shouts and she exhales noisily. “I’ll stop calling you baby, whatever you want. Just come down here. I know you really want to. I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“No!” He shouts and she exhales noisily. “I’ll stop calling you baby, whatever you want. Just come down here. I know you really want to. I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“You’re not supposed to be seeing me.”
“Who made that rule?”
“I did.”
“You always make all the rules. It’s my birthday. Don’t I get a say in something.”
“No.”
“Rachel.”
“Oh my god, shut up.” She begs as she throws the covers off her legs and sets her feet on the wood floor. “Where are you?”
“Are you coming?” He laughs at his stupid, little innuendo and she rolls her eyes as her free hand bumps around in the dark for the switch on the lamp on her bedside table. “I really want you here.”
“Where is Claire?”
“It’s not the same.” He says slowly. “You coming?”
“I don’t want to.”
“But are you?”
She exhales loudly into the phone and he mimics her knowing it will annoy her.
“Fuck you, Jared.”
She can practically hear his smile on the other end.
“I will see you in a half an hour. Wear something hot.”
She pushes open the bar doors carefully; every muscle in her body aches with tension as she steps inside. This is a bad idea. She’s too dressed up and he’s much too drunk and Luke is a thousand miles away. She can feel a few eyes on her as she walks deeper into the bar but they don’t really bother her, she’s expecting it. Her dress is too short and she tucks her clutch under her arm so she can pull the down over her thighs but as soon as she lets go it immediately works its way up again. She stops walking when she hears her name being called from across the room. Jared has spotted her and if she turns and ran now there’s no doubt in her mind that he’d be up and drunkenly following her. That would cause a scene so she walks in the direction of the voice.
He’s sitting in a booth with empty bottles and glasses littered across the table in front of him. The seats are full with a mix of men and women and Rachel doesn’t know any of them which she figures is probably good because none of them should know her but then she over thinks it-just because they don’t know her doesn’t mean they don’t know Luke.
Jared is wedged between two guys with his arms draped over the back of the booth but when she comes into clear view he drops one of his arms and pushes the guy on his left urging him out.
“Get up, man, get up.” He mumbles to the guy. “Get up; my girl has to sit down. Next to me.”
The guy finally slides out of the booth, pulls himself to his feet and makes a show of holding his arms out towards the empty seat to Rachel.
Jared pats the seat a few times. “Come on, come here. We’ll get you a drink. You still doing that no alcohol thing?”
Her eyes dart around to the other people sitting at the table. Besides the guy that had to get up none of them seem to notice her and she breathes a sigh of relief.
“Yes I’m still doing that.”
“Alright then-we’ll get you some water or whatever you want. My birthday but you can get whatever you want.” He leans over and tries to grab her by the wrist to pull her down but she moves her hand away. He frowns and takes his hand back. “What’s the matter?”
“I’m not sitting down.”
“I had to get up.” His friend whines and Rachel shakes her head at him.
“I’m not staying Jared.”
“You came all the way down here to tell me that?” He’s almost yelling at her and it gains the attention of some of his friends and she quickly takes a seat on the edge of the booth. Close enough to calm him down but far enough away so she’s not touching him.
“Why don’t we go talk somewhere? Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to go. I want to stay here.” He moves closer and puts a daring hand on her knee, ignoring the look she gives him. “I want to have fun here with you.”
“Where is Claire?”
“Don’t worry about it.” He brushes her question off and starts to get out of the booth, pushing her out in front of him.
“Jared.”
“Just don’t worry about it, okay?” He steadies himself against her with his hands gripping tight to her hips. “Let’s have fun.” He starts to pull her to the bar to get her whatever she wants and she stumbles forward into him then quickly corrects herself and scans the bar.
“Where is Claire?” She asks again. Claire is a direct route to Luke so she’s the one that Rachel is the most worried about.
“I told you-Jesus-I told you not to worry about it.”
“Is she not here?”
Jared stops short and Rachel runs into him again.
“Stop doing that.” She tells him.
“Stop asking about her. Now c’mon.” He nods towards the bar and Rachel is forced to follow trying to eliminate any chance of him making a bigger scene.
She keeps him at the bar, quiet and contained, until the early hours of the morning. It’s easy to talk him into staying in one spot when all he wants is a constant flow of drinks from the bartender and to put his hand on her thigh. She lets him do both. He can drink because she’ll always be sober and it’s his birthday and she doesn’t mind his hand on her skin because her leg and his hand are hidden under the bar and his friends are all too busy doing their own thing and it’s been awhile since she’s had any kind of contact from him. She’s giving him these things but they’re also benefitting her.
They don’t say much to each other while he drinks. He seems to be content with the unspoken arrangement until one in the morning when he suddenly decides that this bar isn’t good enough.
She’s been running her fingers through the water that’s dripped from the condensation on her glass of water onto the wooden bar and the feeling of his hand sliding off her thigh catches her attention.
He stands up from the bar on unsteady feet and she reaches out to give him balance.
“Let’s go somewhere else. This place sucks.”
“Jared, no.” She has worked herself into a false sense of comfort at this place.
“Yeah, come on.” He starts for the door.
“Your friends, Jared. You’re just going to ditch them?”
“I don’t care about them.” He shrugs. “You’ll come with me. I care about you.”
“I don’t want to go somewhere else. I like it here.”
He stares at her through alcohol hazed eyes and frowns. Then he nods and puts his hands on the bar on both sides of her and before she can stop him he’s kissing her; in public and in front of his friends who even though she was sure that none of them knew Luke thirty seconds ago she feels like one of the blond guys looks familiar.
She leans back but he’s not giving up and she gives in just a little bit and takes a risk in letting him kiss her for the greater good.
“Let’s go back to your place.” She whispers as he pulls her closer to him with his hand on her hip. She’s balancing on the bar stool. “Let’s go home.”
He kisses her again and her feet finally hit the floor.
It’s difficult to get him into her car because he insists upon pushing her against the passenger side door and kissing every inch of exposed skin that he can reach while standing. She lets him, again, and the ‘for the greater good’ excuse gets more and more out of reach with every breathy moan that falls from her lips.
He’s hands on during the ride to his place. It’s a dangerous distraction the way his fingers dance along her leg because they’re alone now. At the bar she couldn’t let herself take it any further because there were people around but now, there’s nothing but her dwindling willpower that’s stopping her from pulling over and shoving him into the backseat.
By the time she them back to his house, parks the car, gets into his house and up the stairs to his room the amount of alcohol has fully set in. He’s completely drunk and is making nothing easy for her as they enter his room.
Rachel lifts his heavy arm off from around her shoulder and nudges his hip with her own until he fully loses his already unsteady balance and softly falls onto his bed.
He laughs and she furrows her brows. She’s not in the mood for this.
“Take your shoes off, Jared.” She orders.
“You take your shoes off.” He slurs and she rolls her eyes and she moves to the top of the bed and pulls down the covers. The end goal is to get him beneath the sheets with at least his slim fitting black leather jacket and boots off. But she’s willing to forego all of it and leave right now.
“Fine. Sleep with your shoes on, I don’t care.”
“I don’t want to sleep.”
“That’s too damn bad. You’re drunk as hell and you need to sleep this shit off.”
“Stop telling me what to do.” He whines as he sits up and she stops fooling with the covers. He twists his spine and looks at her. She can see his eyes piercing through the darkened room and she shifts on her feet, dully aware of the ache on them, the left worse than the right for some reason. “It’s my birthday. Shouldn’t we do what I want to do?”
“We did do what you wanted to do. We went out. You got drunk. This is the aftermath of that. Plus it’s after midnight; it’s not your birthday anymore.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Birthdays end Jared.” She mumbles as she eyes his jacket. It’s unzipped. There’s a chance she could get it off of him without touching him for too long. She would like to limit any prolonged contact with him, especially while he’s drunk and the room is dark and his face has a day’s worth of scruff on it and his hair looks this way. The ever present odds are constantly against her.
But as she’s analyzing him and the way that he looks he stretches out across the bed vertically. His slim frame and lanky arms allow his fingertips to graze against her bare skin of her thigh and she silently curses herself for not wearing a longer dress.
“Come on, Rach.” He looks up at her through half hooded bedroom eyes and she suppresses a sigh. “It’s my birthday.” He says suggestively and she pushes his hand away and her heels click against the hardwood floor as she strides back down to the foot of the bed and grabs one of his ankles and begins to tug at the laces. The boots are coming off.
But he intercepts her and takes her hand, the boot falls back down to the floor and his fingertips circle the gold band on her left hand before engulfing the whole thing. Her hand practically disappears in his. His other hand smoothes over the back of her dress, resting at the base of her spine and pulling her closer as she fights back.
“Jared.” She says sternly, she’s loosing willpower rapidly and her voice is the only part of her body she still has control over. “Can you just please go to bed.”
“Not without you.” He says softly and her free hand rests on his shoulder. That jacket is not coming off in her presence.
“I can’t stay.”
“Why not? He’s out of town. He’s never going to find out. He never does.”
She shakes her head and drops the hand off his shoulder. She doesn’t like when he talks about him. He’s supposed to be his friend.
“Jared, I’m married.”
Like that’s supposed to mean anything. Like he doesn’t already know. He was the best man at her wedding. He held the rings. He passed them to her husband.
“So what? You and I both know that ring comes off.”
She wants to slap his so hard. She wants to actually punch him and her hands ball into fists at her side in anger and frustration.
“Fuck you Jared. You have a nice life.” She turns on her heels and hears the rustling of him falling back onto the bed behind her.
“Claire broke up with me.”
He sounds dreadfully sad and pathetic mixed with being drunk and it hits some kind of sympathetic chord inside of her.
She turns around to face him and he’s leaning down trying to get his boots off and that’s just pathetic enough in its own right that she has to come back to him.
She bends down in front of him and pushes his shoulders back so he’s sitting up and his hands are out of her way. “Luke didn’t tell me.”
“Well Luke has been gone. Away from you. Leaving you all alone.”
Anger flairs back up inside of her and she aggressively tugs on the shoe lace. “It’s his job.”
“It’s his job to leave you all alone?”
“It would be your job to leave me alone too, Jared. Have you forgotten what you do for a living?”
“It wouldn’t be the same.”
“Yes it would. It would be worse because I would never know if you were actually going to come back.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Why can’t you just talk to me?”
“Because you never listen.”
“I’m listening now. Let’s run a hypothetical.”
“That is an awfully big word for a drunken man.”
“I’m very smart when I get drunk. It’s when I’m at my smartest.” He laughs but that quickly runs out when he sees the serious expression on her face. “What if Luke wasn’t around? Or what if I got to you first? What if it was just you and me and nothing and no one else was there to get in the way? Would you love me then?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t trust you.” She says sadly, like she really wants to but she just can’t. “What happens if you’re off somewhere without me and you get drunk or lonely or whatever you need to tell yourself so that’s it’s kind of justified and you find some other girl that’s prettier than I am--.”
“Nobody is prettier than you are.” He interrupts but she shakes her head and holds up her hand.
“You find someone prettier than I am and you sleep with her or you kiss her--.”
“That wouldn’t happen.”
“Or you even think about sleeping with or kissing her. I can’t be worrying about that.”
“You could come--.”
“Don’t even finish that sentence. I am not going to following you around the country or wherever you guys go. I won’t do it. I just don’t trust you and I refuse to babysit.”
“You trust Luke?”
“Yeah. He loves me.”
“I love you.”
“What if you start to love someone else?”
“I couldn’t love someone like I love you.”
“Then what if you love her half as much? Or even just a little bit?”
“So you’re not going to risk it?”
“No.”
“How can you live with that?”
She nods a few times as she mulls it over. “It’s easier than you would think.”
“It’s depressing. And borderline pathetic that you’re so scared--.”
“If you’re going to insult me--.”
“You’re what? Gonna leave? You’re going to do that anyway so shouldn’t I at least get to say what I want to say?”
“I don’t care.” She starts so stand up, to walk away from him, but he’s a lot quicker than she expected him to be (and really faster than he expected himself to be) and he holds onto her arms and pulls her closer to him and as a shock to both of them, she lets him do it.
“I can’t find anyone else for me but you.”
“Just because Claire broke up with you it doesn’t mean that it’s over for you.”
“You don’t know why she broke up with me. She knew-she could tell that I was in love with you and she figured it out and every other girl is going to know that too.”
Rachel’s jaw drops and she stands up and pushes him away in alarm.
“What do you mean she knows?”
“She knows.”
“She knows about us?” Her hands fly to her face as she paces in front of him.
“She knows. Don’t panic.” His calm voice does nothing to help her and she takes a huge step closer to him and pushes his shoulders out of frustration. He sways back but manages to remain sitting upright.
“How does she know?”
“She guessed. Women’s intuition or some shit like that. I don’t know. I talked about you a lot. She said it was obvious.”
“Obvious?” She snaps. “And you let her think that there was something happening between us?”
“There is something happening between us.”
“But she didn’t have to know that.”
“I wasn’t going to lie to her. I was already cheating on her. She wasn’t mad.”
“Oh my god.” Her hands are at her face again. “Do you have any idea what you did? Luke is going to find out--.”
“She’s not going to tell.”
“She works with him.”
“So what? She’s not like that. I said she wasn’t mad-she doesn’t want revenge or anything. She just said that she felt sorry for me.”
“I feel sorry for you too. I’m sorry that you’re stupid enough to believe her when she says that she’s not going to tell him. You just ruined everything.”
“Everything is already ruined. It doesn’t make any difference if Claire knows. She’s not the one that you need to worry about. She promised.”
“And you’re taking her word for it. This girl that you’ve known for what-two months, barely?”
“She’s nothing to worry about because she’s not the one you need to worry about because there’s no threat there because Luke already knows.” The confession falls off his lips and he closes his eyes to brace for the impact of her hands against his chest, holding him to the mattress.
“What do you mean he knows?”
“I mean he knows.” He says slowly. “He knows that you’re cheating on him.”
The pressure is off his chest; figuratively and literally as he gets the words out and she removes her hands. He hears her gasp and he’s sure that all the air has left her body so when he opens his eyes finally open he expects to see her wilted on the floor. But miraculously she’s still standing and staring at him.
“He assumes.” Jared clarifies. “He doesn’t know for sure but he is on to you. Male intuition.” He raises an eyebrow like he expects her to be amused but her face is hard set as her eyes begin to water. “He doesn’t know that I’m a part of it. I keep telling him to let it go.”
“How long have you known this?”
“I don’t know. A few months.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” She yells and he holds his hands up in a desperate plea to get her speak softer.
“I didn’t need to. I had it under control.” He laughs a little. “I defended you at every corner. I told him that there was no way you could be doing that because you’re not that kind of a person. You love him too much and you don’t have the guts. I make you sound like an angel. You should hire me for PR.”
“You should have told me.”
“Why? So you could freak out and blow everything out of proportion and yell at me? Like you’re doing now-I bought myself some time.”
“You are so fucking selfish.”
“Ha. That’s a new one.”
“You knew that if you told me I’d act like this and I would end it for good. For real this time-no coming back ever and you couldn’t deal with that. You’d rather have me and hurt Luke and lie to him even more. Right to his face, Jared.”
“What did you want me to do? Tell him? I would’ve gotten shit for that too. There’s no right way to do this, Rach. Anything either of us does is going to be wrong and hey, you have got a lot of nerve calling me the selfish one. I haven’t been sleeping with two different men for the past nine months. You’re having your cake and eating it too. Selfish. Why don’t you just go Rachel?” He leans back on the bed and kicks one of his shoes off as he presses his fingertips into his eyes. “Go home and wait for your husband and live your lie of life if that makes you feel safe and protected and sheltered. You go make yourself feel happy and fuck all the rest.”
He listens for the sound of her shoes clicking across the floor away from him and the door slamming downstairs but they don’t come. Instead her soft footsteps get closers and the bed dips slightly. When he pulls his fingers away and opens his eyes she’s sitting next to him.
“Do you remember when you took me shopping for Luke’s birthday present? Right before anything happened?” She’s speaking in whispers and it’s hard for him to hear her over the pounding in his head. “We talked and spent the whole day together and it was cold so we were really close and it was nice. We were friends. I liked that. That was when I was happy. It was simple. We weren’t anything but friends. We’re never going to have that moment back. We’re never going to be friends again. We lost it. It’s over. There’s not a chance for happiness between us.”
He lifts his hand to touch her like he’s been touching her all night but then he drops it.
“I was already in love with you then.” He admits gruffly.
“Then we were doomed from the start.” She laughs softly to cover up any sadness.
He refuses to laugh with her. He won’t let her off the hook. He’ll just let her go.
Song: Accidental Babies- Damien Rice
Word Count: 7,633
Rachel is standing sideways in the full length mirror hanging on the closet door when Jared finds her.
He’s got two cups of coffee in his hands as he stands in the door frame to watch her.
Luke has been out of town with the team for three days and Jared and Rachel have already slept together five times.
Rachel is acting…not like herself. She’s happy-ish. Not full on happy, he hasn’t seen her be truly happy in a long time, if ever, but she’s smiling and laughing, at him, but still. It’s like she’s in a haze of acceptance. She’s not letting herself think and dwell on what she’s doing while she’s doing it. She’s married and she’s sleeping with someone that isn’t her husband and that’s just the way things are. Her time spent with the two is completely separate-one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. She’s at peace with it.
A couple of weeks ago Jared would’ve been content with that. He has always hated that he’s been doing this to Luke but his love for Rachel outweighed that. He’s going to stick around as long as she wants and needs him to and now that she’s finally gotten over the betrayal aspect and it’s not on her mind all the time when she’s with him in his eyes that’s one step closer to her finally accepting him.
But now when he thinks of the forward way she texted him asking him to come to her place (something that had been strictly off limits before, it was always his house before even with the close call with his mother) and the look on her face when she opened the door and the way she pulled him into her for a kiss and so much more he wants to grab at her and yell at her to remind her of just what they are doing and how wrong it is.
She’s acting that way and he’s acting this way because she has no idea that Luke is on to her. If she did she would be completely different, worse than she was before. She would for sure push Jared further away. She’d never speak to him again and she would do her best to never see him again. If it ever gets out it will end them.
He needs to hold onto every moment they have together now even though every moment they spend together could end up making Luke more and more suspicious. He’s going to figure out that she’s spending time with somebody and when confronted with the accusation from Luke Jared’s not sure how she’ll handle it; if she’ll remain strong and innocent and if she’ll crack and give both of them up.
But once again his love for her overpowers his worries as he leans against the side of the doorframe to really look at her.
She’s standing sideways in front of the mirror concentrating so hard on her reflection that she doesn’t notice the way his body casts a shadow across the floor large enough to almost reach her. Her skin looks pale in the dim light and in contrast to the midnight fabric of her bra and panties which are all she has on. Her head is tilted down slightly; enough to make her red hair fall forward and past her shoulders. It’s been awhile since she’s gotten it cut and it bends and waves down by her bent elbows. Her fingers are pressed against her stomach and Jared can tell that’s her main focus. To him, there’s nothing different in the way that she looks now compared to the way she looked a month ago or the first time he saw her. But there’s something about the way she looks now that has her captivated. She hunches her shoulders and then stands up straight and takes a deep breath and holds it as she stares intently at her reflection.
He clears his throat almost by accident; an involuntary tic, and she jumps and moves her hands from her stomach to her heart.
“Oh my god what is wrong with you?” She rushes out, angry at first and then ending with a laugh.
“Sorry.” He says quietly as he crosses the room to her, his bare feet padding across the hardwood floor are making the only sounds in the whole house.
“What were you doing?”
“Getting coffee.” He hands her a cup and he takes a long sip. It burns his tongue.
“Why were you staring at me?” She takes her own sip and the heat doesn’t seem to bother her.
“I like staring at you.” He shrugs as he drops a kiss to her lips. She tastes like coffee.
She rolls her eyes and smiles at the same time.
He nods at the mirror and then at her. “What were you doing?”
“Oh.” She blushes, embarrassed that she was caught. “You know, just scrutinizing myself and picking my body apart. Usual stuff.”
He reaches out and squeezes her side. “What do you have to pick apart?”
She hands the coffee back to him so she can bend down and pick her t-shirt off the floor. “So many things.” She says as she pulls the shirt over her head and tugs on the hem. She gives herself one more look over her shoulder to the mirror before she sits down on the edge of the bed. “I have gained so much weight since I’ve been down here.”
He frowns.
“All this fried, southern food.”
The bed dips under his weight as he sits down next to her.
“I don’t know how you do it. You’ve lived here for so long and you’ve got nothing.” She says with a pat to his stomach.
“There’s not nothing there.” He tries to cover her hand with his but she casually pulls it away. “I’ve got abs of steel, baby.”
She snorts out a laugh. “Yeah. Right. I need to join a gym to get rid of this.” She rests her hand on her stomach and Jared still can’t see what she’s talking about. There’s nothing there to get rid of.
“Maybe you’re pregnant.”
It flies out of his mouth before he can even think about it. He thinks he really means it as a joke because he’s heard it himself. He has had it said to him, from Luke, no less. On one of Jared’s more vain and insecure days he told Luke that he felt fat and Luke immediately answered with ‘maybe you’re pregnant.’ Jared laughed and gave him the finger and it was over. He wants Rachel to act the same way.
She laughs and Jared breathes a sigh of relief. Even though this new, carefree, Rachel is frustrating in a lot of ways she’s a lot easier to deal with than over the top, take everything seriously and pick a fight constantly Rachel that he used to know.
“God.” She laughs softly as she lies back on the bed and pulls his arm wanting him to join her but he can’t because he’s still got the coffee in his hands. “That would be the last thing that I would need right now.”
“Why?” He takes another small sip-one that doesn’t hurt as much-and really thinks about how he’s going to word the next part of his sentence. “Because you wouldn’t be able to tell if it was mine or his?” He says flatly, letting her know that he is by no means kidding about this one.
He meets her confused gaze with a set jaw and narrowed eyes because he wants to start something with her.
She leans up on her elbow never breaking eye contact with him. He’s not backing down.
“Why would you say that?” She asks.
“Because you seem to have forgotten about it; you’re acting like nothing’s wrong.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted? Didn’t you want me to loosen up and have fun?”
“Not-like this. Not anymore.”
“So I need to act exactly how you want me to act all the time. It can change whenever you want it to and I just have to go with it?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying?” She sits all the way up and she’s got that edge back to her voice that lets him know that she’s in this now too.
“I’m saying that I’m tired.” He says slowly, choosing his words carefully.
“Tired of what?”
He stands and paces with the two cups still in his hands. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of doing this and the way that you’re acting--.”
“How am I acting?”
“Like you don’t care…like you’ve forgotten what we’re doing.”
“Do you seriously think that I could ever forget what we’re doing? I think about it all the time.”
“Yeah and you used to act like you did.”
“So that’s what you want?”
“No.”
“Holy.” She pauses and shakes her head in disbelief of the sudden role reversal. “Fuck Jared, you don’t know what you want, do you?”
“I want you.”
“Well--.”
“I’m not going to get you. Right? Is that what you’re going to say?”
“Yes. Is that what you want to hear?”
“No and that’s what I’m tired of. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
She blinks at him. “Okay.”
“I don’t want to do this.” He gestures around the room and some of the coffee sloshes over the sides and hits the floor but it’s the least of her worries. “I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to be your secret. Fuck, I don’t want you to be my secret. I want you to choose.”
“Just like that? You just want me to choose. I already did that. I told you I was never going to leave him.”
“Then what the hell am I doing here?”
“I don’t know, Jared. I mean it’s not like anyone put a gun to your head and forced you to come here.”
“No because no one would ever have to. I came here because I love you and that’s the only reason that I will ever need to do anything you want me to. Don’t you get it? I am doing all of this for you. I am hurting my best friend and cheating on a girl that could really love me-she could really love me and I could be happy-but I love you so much that none of that matters. If you say jump, honey, I’m going to say how high. I am here for you so what the hell is your excuse? Why do you want me here if you don’t love me too?”
She crosses her arms and stares down at her feet. “What do you want me to do?”
“What I have always wanted you to do.” He kneels in front of her and uncrosses her arms. She pulls back trying to get her hands out of his but he holds on. “I want you to just tell me that you love me back. I know you do. You wouldn’t be doing this and wasting your time if you didn’t. You want me here because you want me. Why is that so hard for you to admit? There’s no shame in it.”
“Because it doesn’t mean anything.”
He cradles her chin in his hand so she’s forced to look at him. “It means a hell of a lot to me.” Her eyes drop from his and he takes his hand away as he stands up slowly. “But you don’t really give a shit about me. Is that how it really is?”
“No.”
“Then what the hell?”
“It’s complicated.”
“No it’s not. You’re either with him or you’re with me but you can’t have it both ways.”
“I know.”
“Then make a choice.”
“I already have.”
He shakes his head and grabs his shirt off the bed next to her. “Then I guess that’s it.”
“What is?”
“This is it. This is the end.”
“I think I’ve heard this before. I think I was actually the one to say it.”
“Well now it actually mean something because I’m the one that’s saying it. Alright, I’m the one that’s more invested in this thing so if I say that if I walk out that door and I’m not coming back you better believe it.”
She laughs and shakes her head at him. “Yeah right. You can leave but for how long?”
“I don’t know, Rach, probably until you call me and want me back again. Congratulations-you have all the power. Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? How I feel about doing this to Claire?”
“Oh my god.” She tips her head back and rolls her eyes at the ceiling. “I am so sick about hearing about Claire. It’s always Claire this and Claire that and Claire is so great Rachel, you two should be best friends because she’s just the best and I am so goddamned sick of her. She is not that great.”
“Actually she is great. She’s great and you don’t know that because you are too jealous so see it.”
“I am not jealous.”
“Yes you are. You can’t stand the thought of me and her together.”
“There is nothing to be jealous of?”
“Really? So you’d be totally okay if I fell in love with her and married her and we had kids.”
“That is not going to happen.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you are not going to marry her. You’re not going to marry anyone. You screw around and fuck things up. I’m not jealous of Claire because her days are numbered. You’re going to screw it up eventually and then she’ll be gone. Thank god.”
“Is that what you think of me?”
“Yes. You don’t take anything seriously. You have moved on from one thing to the next for too long for me to believe anything that you say. Do you think that I’m going to throw away everything that I have on you? What’s going to happen when you screw it up with me and you get to move on like nothing ever happened because you have nothing to lose and I just threw away a whole marriage for nothing?”
“It wouldn’t be for nothing and I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Is that what you tell every girl?”
He opens his mouth to defend himself but then presses his lips into a thin line.
“That’s what I thought. They’re all perfect and special until they’re not anymore. I’m not going to risk it.”
“Because god forbid you take a risk on something at one point in your life. Why can’t you just do what you want to do without worrying what’s going to happen in the future or what people are going to think about you?”
“Because I don’t do that, that’s not who I am.”
“Why the hell not? You could have so much more than this.”
“This is what I want. I have all that I want.”
“Really? You want to have this job and live down here for the rest of your life?”
“Sometimes you have to compromise.”
“You seem to be compromising a lot. Are you happy?”
“Right now, no.”
“I’m not talking about right now. Can you honestly tell me that you’re happy with him?”
“Yes.” She answers too quickly, like it’s something she’s practiced.
“Really? You’re going to spend the rest of your life with him and have babies with him--.”
“That’s what I agreed to when I married him.” She says hotly.
“Things can change.”
“You want them to but they just aren’t. This whole thing…”
“Is a mistake.” He fills in. “I’m a mistake and nothing should’ve ever happened between us because I’m so far beneath you and you’re so much better and more responsible and you could never even think about being with me in a million years. I know all of this. You remind me all the time.”
All the fight drains out of her eyes. It was never her intention to make him feel like he was less important than she was; like he wasn’t on her level. It’s just that she hates herself so much for the choices that she’s made and what they have cost her that she dragged him down with her. If she really thinks what he thinks she does it’s only because she thinks even worse of herself.
“To be fair, Jared, you knew I was a bitch from the moment that you meant me. What did you expect?”
“I know.” He hates that she has the nerve to even think about laughing. “I know you’re a bitch. How you ever got two men to fall in love with you, I’ll never understand.”
“Then maybe you should stop.”
“Fuck.” He runs his hand heavily through his hair. “God, I wish it was that easy.”
There’s a long stretch of silence between them with her staring at the ground and him staring at her and he finally has to break it with a loud sigh that gets her to raise her eyes.
“I’m going. I don’t really want to be back but I don’t know.” He shrugs and her eyes move back to the floor. “We’ll see what happens.”
“I won’t call you if you won’t call me.” She says simply.
“Fine. I can live with it if you can.” He walks over to the door and she doesn’t get up from the bed to see him out. “And I know you can.” He tosses over his shoulder because he felt like he needed one more unnecessary dig at her, one that he regrets the whole way home.
“Hey man, can you do me a favor?”
Jared pulls the phone away from his face and sighs heavily. It’s been almost a month since Jared has spoken to Rachel and he’s expecting the worst out of this conversation with Luke. “Sure, what do you need?”
“Can you get Rachel to go out with you guys tonight?” There’s a long pause as Jared figures out how to react. “Jared?”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“That’s not really an answer that I’m going to accept.”
“I would like to have her out with you than just hanging out at home or doing whatever she does when I’m not around.”
Jared sighs again but this time he doesn’t care if Luke hears him. “So you still think she’s cheating on you?”
“Well…yeah.”
Obviously his and Rachel’s month long separation has done nothing to calm Luke’s fears.
“You gotta let this go.”
“I can’t. She’s my wife--.”
“Then you have to trust her.”
“I can’t.”
“Well if you’re not going to talk to her about it-you haven’t even talked to her, have you?”
“No.”
“If you don’t have the guts to bring it up then you don’t have the guts to accuse her.”
“I know, I know. I’m probably just paranoid but I can’t shake this feeling.”
“Try harder.”
“I’m trying to work on it but for now would you please take her with you?”
“She’s probably going to refuse. I can ask all you want me to but that doesn’t mean that she’s going to say yes. I can’t force her.”
“I’m going to ask her and work on it for you. You won’t have to say a thing to her.”
“This is a stupid idea.”
“This is the only idea that I have.”
“I have one. It involves you acting like an adult and actually talking to your wife.”
“I’m not at that level of adulthood yet so I gotta cop out.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“And you’re an amazing friend. She’ll be there. Don’t worry about it.”
“Fine. This isn’t solving anything though and I’m not going to entertain her. I don’t really want here there. It’s my birthday. It should be stress free and…” He stops himself and takes a deep breath. “I’m already getting worked up over it. I need a drink.”
“It’ll be fine. I feel like if she has somewhere she needs to be it’ll stop her from doing whatever she was going to be doing.”
“This is suck.”
“Humor me until I get home and talk to her.”
“You’re really going to talk to her when you get home? Because I don’t believe you.”
“I will. I promise.” There’s a pause. “Maybe after Doug and Sarah get married. My life might be ruined, why do we have to ruin theirs too?”
“That is a month away and they’re ruining their own lives. You talking to Rachel about something that’s not even true aren’t going to do anything.”
Luke sighs into the phone. “I really got to get going.”
“You’re a coward.” There’s less malice in his words than there really should be.
“Love you too man, happy birthday. Look for her tonight.”
He hangs up and Jared rolls his eyes and pulls a beer out of his refrigerator. If Luke would just relax and take his word-believe his lie-everything would be fine. Instead he’s pushing the issue and pushing Rachel and him closer together.
Luke must do a shitty job of talking Rachel into coming because hours and many glasses of beer go by at the bar and she’s not there. It’s starting to annoy him. It’s not so much that she’s missing his birthday, he doesn’t care about that and he understands why she wouldn’t show up for that. It’s more that she’s not doing this one thing for Luke. She can’t bring herself to do this one little thing for him.
He drunk dials her with every intention to tell her just how awful she’s being but that quickly dissolves when he hears her sleepy voice on the other end.
“Babe.”
Rachel recognizes the drunken voice immediately and squeezes her eyes shut. She honestly thought that he would let this go and they’d let Luke think that she was at the party. She expected him to have her back just a little bit.
“Jared.”
“Rachel. Get your ass down here. We are having so much fun and it’s not fair that you’re sittin’ home alone…..Rachel.” He yells her name into the phone, over the chaos that seems to be surrounding him at the bar and she presses her fingertips into her eyes and rubs her temples with her thumbs. “Baby, you there?”
“Stop calling me baby.” She groans out of annoyance and then cringes because he’s saying this shit out loud and while she’s willing to bet that all his friends are drunk and won’t register her name and baby being in the same sentence as something to be concerned about, things can still come into the light in the sobering hours. “I’m hanging up now.”
“No!” He shouts and she exhales noisily. “I’ll stop calling you baby, whatever you want. Just come down here. I know you really want to. I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“No!” He shouts and she exhales noisily. “I’ll stop calling you baby, whatever you want. Just come down here. I know you really want to. I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“You’re not supposed to be seeing me.”
“Who made that rule?”
“I did.”
“You always make all the rules. It’s my birthday. Don’t I get a say in something.”
“No.”
“Rachel.”
“Oh my god, shut up.” She begs as she throws the covers off her legs and sets her feet on the wood floor. “Where are you?”
“Are you coming?” He laughs at his stupid, little innuendo and she rolls her eyes as her free hand bumps around in the dark for the switch on the lamp on her bedside table. “I really want you here.”
“Where is Claire?”
“It’s not the same.” He says slowly. “You coming?”
“I don’t want to.”
“But are you?”
She exhales loudly into the phone and he mimics her knowing it will annoy her.
“Fuck you, Jared.”
She can practically hear his smile on the other end.
“I will see you in a half an hour. Wear something hot.”
She pushes open the bar doors carefully; every muscle in her body aches with tension as she steps inside. This is a bad idea. She’s too dressed up and he’s much too drunk and Luke is a thousand miles away. She can feel a few eyes on her as she walks deeper into the bar but they don’t really bother her, she’s expecting it. Her dress is too short and she tucks her clutch under her arm so she can pull the down over her thighs but as soon as she lets go it immediately works its way up again. She stops walking when she hears her name being called from across the room. Jared has spotted her and if she turns and ran now there’s no doubt in her mind that he’d be up and drunkenly following her. That would cause a scene so she walks in the direction of the voice.
He’s sitting in a booth with empty bottles and glasses littered across the table in front of him. The seats are full with a mix of men and women and Rachel doesn’t know any of them which she figures is probably good because none of them should know her but then she over thinks it-just because they don’t know her doesn’t mean they don’t know Luke.
Jared is wedged between two guys with his arms draped over the back of the booth but when she comes into clear view he drops one of his arms and pushes the guy on his left urging him out.
“Get up, man, get up.” He mumbles to the guy. “Get up; my girl has to sit down. Next to me.”
The guy finally slides out of the booth, pulls himself to his feet and makes a show of holding his arms out towards the empty seat to Rachel.
Jared pats the seat a few times. “Come on, come here. We’ll get you a drink. You still doing that no alcohol thing?”
Her eyes dart around to the other people sitting at the table. Besides the guy that had to get up none of them seem to notice her and she breathes a sigh of relief.
“Yes I’m still doing that.”
“Alright then-we’ll get you some water or whatever you want. My birthday but you can get whatever you want.” He leans over and tries to grab her by the wrist to pull her down but she moves her hand away. He frowns and takes his hand back. “What’s the matter?”
“I’m not sitting down.”
“I had to get up.” His friend whines and Rachel shakes her head at him.
“I’m not staying Jared.”
“You came all the way down here to tell me that?” He’s almost yelling at her and it gains the attention of some of his friends and she quickly takes a seat on the edge of the booth. Close enough to calm him down but far enough away so she’s not touching him.
“Why don’t we go talk somewhere? Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to go. I want to stay here.” He moves closer and puts a daring hand on her knee, ignoring the look she gives him. “I want to have fun here with you.”
“Where is Claire?”
“Don’t worry about it.” He brushes her question off and starts to get out of the booth, pushing her out in front of him.
“Jared.”
“Just don’t worry about it, okay?” He steadies himself against her with his hands gripping tight to her hips. “Let’s have fun.” He starts to pull her to the bar to get her whatever she wants and she stumbles forward into him then quickly corrects herself and scans the bar.
“Where is Claire?” She asks again. Claire is a direct route to Luke so she’s the one that Rachel is the most worried about.
“I told you-Jesus-I told you not to worry about it.”
“Is she not here?”
Jared stops short and Rachel runs into him again.
“Stop doing that.” She tells him.
“Stop asking about her. Now c’mon.” He nods towards the bar and Rachel is forced to follow trying to eliminate any chance of him making a bigger scene.
She keeps him at the bar, quiet and contained, until the early hours of the morning. It’s easy to talk him into staying in one spot when all he wants is a constant flow of drinks from the bartender and to put his hand on her thigh. She lets him do both. He can drink because she’ll always be sober and it’s his birthday and she doesn’t mind his hand on her skin because her leg and his hand are hidden under the bar and his friends are all too busy doing their own thing and it’s been awhile since she’s had any kind of contact from him. She’s giving him these things but they’re also benefitting her.
They don’t say much to each other while he drinks. He seems to be content with the unspoken arrangement until one in the morning when he suddenly decides that this bar isn’t good enough.
She’s been running her fingers through the water that’s dripped from the condensation on her glass of water onto the wooden bar and the feeling of his hand sliding off her thigh catches her attention.
He stands up from the bar on unsteady feet and she reaches out to give him balance.
“Let’s go somewhere else. This place sucks.”
“Jared, no.” She has worked herself into a false sense of comfort at this place.
“Yeah, come on.” He starts for the door.
“Your friends, Jared. You’re just going to ditch them?”
“I don’t care about them.” He shrugs. “You’ll come with me. I care about you.”
“I don’t want to go somewhere else. I like it here.”
He stares at her through alcohol hazed eyes and frowns. Then he nods and puts his hands on the bar on both sides of her and before she can stop him he’s kissing her; in public and in front of his friends who even though she was sure that none of them knew Luke thirty seconds ago she feels like one of the blond guys looks familiar.
She leans back but he’s not giving up and she gives in just a little bit and takes a risk in letting him kiss her for the greater good.
“Let’s go back to your place.” She whispers as he pulls her closer to him with his hand on her hip. She’s balancing on the bar stool. “Let’s go home.”
He kisses her again and her feet finally hit the floor.
It’s difficult to get him into her car because he insists upon pushing her against the passenger side door and kissing every inch of exposed skin that he can reach while standing. She lets him, again, and the ‘for the greater good’ excuse gets more and more out of reach with every breathy moan that falls from her lips.
He’s hands on during the ride to his place. It’s a dangerous distraction the way his fingers dance along her leg because they’re alone now. At the bar she couldn’t let herself take it any further because there were people around but now, there’s nothing but her dwindling willpower that’s stopping her from pulling over and shoving him into the backseat.
By the time she them back to his house, parks the car, gets into his house and up the stairs to his room the amount of alcohol has fully set in. He’s completely drunk and is making nothing easy for her as they enter his room.
Rachel lifts his heavy arm off from around her shoulder and nudges his hip with her own until he fully loses his already unsteady balance and softly falls onto his bed.
He laughs and she furrows her brows. She’s not in the mood for this.
“Take your shoes off, Jared.” She orders.
“You take your shoes off.” He slurs and she rolls her eyes and she moves to the top of the bed and pulls down the covers. The end goal is to get him beneath the sheets with at least his slim fitting black leather jacket and boots off. But she’s willing to forego all of it and leave right now.
“Fine. Sleep with your shoes on, I don’t care.”
“I don’t want to sleep.”
“That’s too damn bad. You’re drunk as hell and you need to sleep this shit off.”
“Stop telling me what to do.” He whines as he sits up and she stops fooling with the covers. He twists his spine and looks at her. She can see his eyes piercing through the darkened room and she shifts on her feet, dully aware of the ache on them, the left worse than the right for some reason. “It’s my birthday. Shouldn’t we do what I want to do?”
“We did do what you wanted to do. We went out. You got drunk. This is the aftermath of that. Plus it’s after midnight; it’s not your birthday anymore.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Birthdays end Jared.” She mumbles as she eyes his jacket. It’s unzipped. There’s a chance she could get it off of him without touching him for too long. She would like to limit any prolonged contact with him, especially while he’s drunk and the room is dark and his face has a day’s worth of scruff on it and his hair looks this way. The ever present odds are constantly against her.
But as she’s analyzing him and the way that he looks he stretches out across the bed vertically. His slim frame and lanky arms allow his fingertips to graze against her bare skin of her thigh and she silently curses herself for not wearing a longer dress.
“Come on, Rach.” He looks up at her through half hooded bedroom eyes and she suppresses a sigh. “It’s my birthday.” He says suggestively and she pushes his hand away and her heels click against the hardwood floor as she strides back down to the foot of the bed and grabs one of his ankles and begins to tug at the laces. The boots are coming off.
But he intercepts her and takes her hand, the boot falls back down to the floor and his fingertips circle the gold band on her left hand before engulfing the whole thing. Her hand practically disappears in his. His other hand smoothes over the back of her dress, resting at the base of her spine and pulling her closer as she fights back.
“Jared.” She says sternly, she’s loosing willpower rapidly and her voice is the only part of her body she still has control over. “Can you just please go to bed.”
“Not without you.” He says softly and her free hand rests on his shoulder. That jacket is not coming off in her presence.
“I can’t stay.”
“Why not? He’s out of town. He’s never going to find out. He never does.”
She shakes her head and drops the hand off his shoulder. She doesn’t like when he talks about him. He’s supposed to be his friend.
“Jared, I’m married.”
Like that’s supposed to mean anything. Like he doesn’t already know. He was the best man at her wedding. He held the rings. He passed them to her husband.
“So what? You and I both know that ring comes off.”
She wants to slap his so hard. She wants to actually punch him and her hands ball into fists at her side in anger and frustration.
“Fuck you Jared. You have a nice life.” She turns on her heels and hears the rustling of him falling back onto the bed behind her.
“Claire broke up with me.”
He sounds dreadfully sad and pathetic mixed with being drunk and it hits some kind of sympathetic chord inside of her.
She turns around to face him and he’s leaning down trying to get his boots off and that’s just pathetic enough in its own right that she has to come back to him.
She bends down in front of him and pushes his shoulders back so he’s sitting up and his hands are out of her way. “Luke didn’t tell me.”
“Well Luke has been gone. Away from you. Leaving you all alone.”
Anger flairs back up inside of her and she aggressively tugs on the shoe lace. “It’s his job.”
“It’s his job to leave you all alone?”
“It would be your job to leave me alone too, Jared. Have you forgotten what you do for a living?”
“It wouldn’t be the same.”
“Yes it would. It would be worse because I would never know if you were actually going to come back.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Why can’t you just talk to me?”
“Because you never listen.”
“I’m listening now. Let’s run a hypothetical.”
“That is an awfully big word for a drunken man.”
“I’m very smart when I get drunk. It’s when I’m at my smartest.” He laughs but that quickly runs out when he sees the serious expression on her face. “What if Luke wasn’t around? Or what if I got to you first? What if it was just you and me and nothing and no one else was there to get in the way? Would you love me then?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t trust you.” She says sadly, like she really wants to but she just can’t. “What happens if you’re off somewhere without me and you get drunk or lonely or whatever you need to tell yourself so that’s it’s kind of justified and you find some other girl that’s prettier than I am--.”
“Nobody is prettier than you are.” He interrupts but she shakes her head and holds up her hand.
“You find someone prettier than I am and you sleep with her or you kiss her--.”
“That wouldn’t happen.”
“Or you even think about sleeping with or kissing her. I can’t be worrying about that.”
“You could come--.”
“Don’t even finish that sentence. I am not going to following you around the country or wherever you guys go. I won’t do it. I just don’t trust you and I refuse to babysit.”
“You trust Luke?”
“Yeah. He loves me.”
“I love you.”
“What if you start to love someone else?”
“I couldn’t love someone like I love you.”
“Then what if you love her half as much? Or even just a little bit?”
“So you’re not going to risk it?”
“No.”
“How can you live with that?”
She nods a few times as she mulls it over. “It’s easier than you would think.”
“It’s depressing. And borderline pathetic that you’re so scared--.”
“If you’re going to insult me--.”
“You’re what? Gonna leave? You’re going to do that anyway so shouldn’t I at least get to say what I want to say?”
“I don’t care.” She starts so stand up, to walk away from him, but he’s a lot quicker than she expected him to be (and really faster than he expected himself to be) and he holds onto her arms and pulls her closer to him and as a shock to both of them, she lets him do it.
“I can’t find anyone else for me but you.”
“Just because Claire broke up with you it doesn’t mean that it’s over for you.”
“You don’t know why she broke up with me. She knew-she could tell that I was in love with you and she figured it out and every other girl is going to know that too.”
Rachel’s jaw drops and she stands up and pushes him away in alarm.
“What do you mean she knows?”
“She knows.”
“She knows about us?” Her hands fly to her face as she paces in front of him.
“She knows. Don’t panic.” His calm voice does nothing to help her and she takes a huge step closer to him and pushes his shoulders out of frustration. He sways back but manages to remain sitting upright.
“How does she know?”
“She guessed. Women’s intuition or some shit like that. I don’t know. I talked about you a lot. She said it was obvious.”
“Obvious?” She snaps. “And you let her think that there was something happening between us?”
“There is something happening between us.”
“But she didn’t have to know that.”
“I wasn’t going to lie to her. I was already cheating on her. She wasn’t mad.”
“Oh my god.” Her hands are at her face again. “Do you have any idea what you did? Luke is going to find out--.”
“She’s not going to tell.”
“She works with him.”
“So what? She’s not like that. I said she wasn’t mad-she doesn’t want revenge or anything. She just said that she felt sorry for me.”
“I feel sorry for you too. I’m sorry that you’re stupid enough to believe her when she says that she’s not going to tell him. You just ruined everything.”
“Everything is already ruined. It doesn’t make any difference if Claire knows. She’s not the one that you need to worry about. She promised.”
“And you’re taking her word for it. This girl that you’ve known for what-two months, barely?”
“She’s nothing to worry about because she’s not the one you need to worry about because there’s no threat there because Luke already knows.” The confession falls off his lips and he closes his eyes to brace for the impact of her hands against his chest, holding him to the mattress.
“What do you mean he knows?”
“I mean he knows.” He says slowly. “He knows that you’re cheating on him.”
The pressure is off his chest; figuratively and literally as he gets the words out and she removes her hands. He hears her gasp and he’s sure that all the air has left her body so when he opens his eyes finally open he expects to see her wilted on the floor. But miraculously she’s still standing and staring at him.
“He assumes.” Jared clarifies. “He doesn’t know for sure but he is on to you. Male intuition.” He raises an eyebrow like he expects her to be amused but her face is hard set as her eyes begin to water. “He doesn’t know that I’m a part of it. I keep telling him to let it go.”
“How long have you known this?”
“I don’t know. A few months.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” She yells and he holds his hands up in a desperate plea to get her speak softer.
“I didn’t need to. I had it under control.” He laughs a little. “I defended you at every corner. I told him that there was no way you could be doing that because you’re not that kind of a person. You love him too much and you don’t have the guts. I make you sound like an angel. You should hire me for PR.”
“You should have told me.”
“Why? So you could freak out and blow everything out of proportion and yell at me? Like you’re doing now-I bought myself some time.”
“You are so fucking selfish.”
“Ha. That’s a new one.”
“You knew that if you told me I’d act like this and I would end it for good. For real this time-no coming back ever and you couldn’t deal with that. You’d rather have me and hurt Luke and lie to him even more. Right to his face, Jared.”
“What did you want me to do? Tell him? I would’ve gotten shit for that too. There’s no right way to do this, Rach. Anything either of us does is going to be wrong and hey, you have got a lot of nerve calling me the selfish one. I haven’t been sleeping with two different men for the past nine months. You’re having your cake and eating it too. Selfish. Why don’t you just go Rachel?” He leans back on the bed and kicks one of his shoes off as he presses his fingertips into his eyes. “Go home and wait for your husband and live your lie of life if that makes you feel safe and protected and sheltered. You go make yourself feel happy and fuck all the rest.”
He listens for the sound of her shoes clicking across the floor away from him and the door slamming downstairs but they don’t come. Instead her soft footsteps get closers and the bed dips slightly. When he pulls his fingers away and opens his eyes she’s sitting next to him.
“Do you remember when you took me shopping for Luke’s birthday present? Right before anything happened?” She’s speaking in whispers and it’s hard for him to hear her over the pounding in his head. “We talked and spent the whole day together and it was cold so we were really close and it was nice. We were friends. I liked that. That was when I was happy. It was simple. We weren’t anything but friends. We’re never going to have that moment back. We’re never going to be friends again. We lost it. It’s over. There’s not a chance for happiness between us.”
He lifts his hand to touch her like he’s been touching her all night but then he drops it.
“I was already in love with you then.” He admits gruffly.
“Then we were doomed from the start.” She laughs softly to cover up any sadness.
He refuses to laugh with her. He won’t let her off the hook. He’ll just let her go.