Do You Come Together Ever With Him? And Is He Dark Enough? Enough To See Your Light?
Chapter: 4/?
Song: Accidental Babies- Damien Rice
Word Count: 6,909
“Don’t bite your nails.” Sarah’s fingers wrap around Rachel’s wrist to pull her hand away from her mouth. “Short and bitten nails aren’t attractive.”
“Why do I care about being attractive?”
“Just because you’re married and boring doesn’t mean you need to look that way when you go out. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
“I don’t want to go out.” Rachel mumbles and sits down on Sarah’s bed.
Sarah playfully pulls on the end of Rachel’s ponytail as she floats by to get a pair of shoes out of the closet. She’s dragging Rachel out to a bar because ‘Luke is gone and you need to get out.’ All Rachel wants to do is curl into a ball and forget everything she’s ever done.
Luke doesn’t suspect a thing. Why would he? He’s so happily and naively in love with her and trusting and faithful that he’d never think that less than forty eight hours ago she was having sex with his best friend. The thought still makes her whole body ache; a sharp pain in her head, stomach and heart.
“When does Luke come back?”
Rachel’s jarred from her guilt laced thoughts. “Ummm. Day after tomorrow.”
“And when does he leave again?” She’s completely disappeared in the closet.
“Three days later.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of time gone. Especially in the first year of marriage.”
“It always gets crazy this time of year towards the end of the season. But they won’t go very far in the playoffs. He’ll be home for good soon.”
“Still.” Sarah emerges from the closet with the shoes on and steps in front of the full length mirror to adjust her dress. “If I were you I’d be getting in so much trouble.” When Rachel doesn’t react Sarah turns to her. “What’s wrong with you?”
So many things.
“I told you. I don’t want to go out. I don’t feel good.”
“You never feel good when you have to go out at night.”
Rachel shrugs.
“You’ll have fun. You had fun the last time.”
“Did not. You ditched me for Doug.”
“Only for the last few minutes. I’m letting you wear jeans so it’s a compromise.”
Rachel groans and falls back on the bed.
“Get your ass up. The boys are waiting.”
Rachel knows who the boys are. Jared’s name hasn’t been mentioned but if Doug is going to be there then Jared will be there.
“Come on.” Sarah leans over her and pulls on her arms to get her up. “Let’s go see what Jared is wearing and how good he looks in it.”
“I don’t care what he looks like.” She lies. “Neither should you. You’re with Doug. Exclusively.”
One of the relationships should remain intact.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t look.” Sarah puts her arm around Rachel’s shoulders to lead her out of the apartment.
Look but not touch. That’s all Rachel should’ve done.
As soon as they get to the bar Sarah, with Rachel in tow dragging her along behind her, makes a beeline for Doug. He’s sitting in a booth with his head down looking at his phone so Sarah has let out an obnoxious squeal to get his attention before she slides into the booth next to him. They immediately start to make out.
“Great. I’m already a third wheel. I’m out of here.”
“No.” Sarah springs up and grabs her arm. “Go roam around the bar. Talk. Dance.” She holds up her finger to silence Rachel before she can utter the words ‘I’m married.’ “Talking isn’t cheating.”
Rachel cringes but Sarah doesn’t notice. “But I don’t want to talk to any of these people. I think people that hang out in bars are pathetic and sad and desperate. No offence.”
Doug leans forward to get in on the conversation. “Jared’s at the bar.”
“I rest my case.”
He pushes through the insult. “He’s at the bar and he’s not totally sad and pathetic and desperate. Maybe he’s more on your level.”
Sarah squeezes her arm. “Worth a shot. Give it thirty minutes.”
“Twenty.”
“Twenty minutes. If you’re still a miserable stick in the mud in twenty you can go. Deal?”
“Worst deal ever but okay.”
“Alright. Now go have fun.” She pushes Rachel towards the bar and she begins to navigate her way through the crowds.
When the bar comes into view she sees him sitting at one end of it. Jared looks disheveled and conflicted with his head resting on one hand and his other hand wrapped around a half empty glass. He looks every bit as sad and pathetic and desperate as everyone else. She makes it a few steps towards him before she heads in the other direction and takes a seat at a barstool next to a tipsy brunette woman that’s on the phone.
Rachel has a clear view of Jared from her seat but he doesn’t notice her; he’s still staring down at his drink and Rachel checks her phone for the time. She has eighteen minutes and then she’s allowed to leave.
She orders water from the bartender and as soon as he places the glass in front of her the woman she was sitting next to gets up and a man slips seamlessly into her place. He puts one elbow on the bar and faces her and Rachel takes a deep breath because she knows what’s going to happen next.
“Can I buy you another drink?”
She glances over at him. He’s not terribly attractive but he’s got the confidence like he is; a trait that’s praised in women but never seems to work out with men.
She shakes her glass, the ice rattling against the side. “It’s just water.”
“Then can I get you a real drink?”
“I’m good with water.”
“Nobody’s ever good with water.” He leans towards her and she leans away, making him laugh. “I’m Colin.” He sticks his hand out but Rachel doesn’t move. “What? I’m not good enough to shake your hand and know your name.”
She holds up her left hand. “I’m married.”
“And where’s your husband?”
“Out-Around.”
“Around? What kind of husband would leave a girl like you all alone at the bar? I wouldn’t leave your side.”
Rachel sighs and shakes her head. She’s had enough of this and might be short of the twenty minute agreement but she’s making an exception on account of flirty douche bag Colin. She starts to climb down from the barstool when she feels a hand on her back.
“Hey.” It’s Jared’s voice and Jared’s hand on her back and it’s the only time she ever been remotely happy to see him. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“Is this your husband?” Colin asks as he stands up. He taller and much bigger than Jared but Jared just rolls his eyes.
“Not my husband.” Rachel says quickly.
“Nope. I’m just a guy that knows when another guy can’t take a fucking hint.”
“I think I was doing alright.”
Rachel shakes her head and frowns. “You really weren’t.”
Colin grabs his glass and mumbles a ‘whatever’ under his breath as he walks away.
Jared takes his place and his hand finally falls off her back.
“That guy was way bigger than you.” She tells him.
“I know.” He sits down. “I’m glad he didn’t challenge me.” He laughs a little before he realizes that things should be awkward. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
“I’m kind of surprised that I’m here.” She says awkwardly as she pulls at the sleeves of her sweater. “But Sarah talked me into it so…”
“Hmm.”
“She’s so stubborn.”
“She’s just like you.”
“I am not stubborn.”
“Really? How long do you have to stay in the bar before you get to leave? What was the agreed time?”
“Twenty minutes.”
“And what time did Sarah say before you talked her down?”
“Thirty-Hey.” She defends when Jared points an accusing finger at her. “Just because I’m a good negotiator doesn’t mean that I’m stubborn.”
“Whatever you say.”
There’s another awkward lull and he clears his throat to break it.
“About what happened-.” He starts.
“Nothing happened.”
“Okay.” He says slowly. “But it did.”
“Jared please.”
“I’m just saying-would you just let me talk this out because I had it all planned in my head and I really need to get it out. Okay?” When she nods he continues. “What happened happened, but it shouldn’t have happened. And I know I didn’t force you into it but I feel like I talked you into it. I should’ve told you no.”
“I should have been the one saying that.”
“It should have been one of us might as well have been me. What happened was wrong in every way. Great but wrong. He’s my best friend and I know how much he loves you and what we did was--.”
“Wrong.”
“Yes. But I don’t think that we can just forget it. It’s not fair to us, you know? To pretend that we don’t have feelings for each other.”
“I don’t have feelings for you. I don’t like you. I never will.”
“Well.” He heaves a sigh. “That fucking sucks because I have some definite feelings for you.”
“Jared.” She says softly, voice full of sympathy.
“I don’t mean to and I don’t want to but I like you. And I think you like me too.”
“No.”
He grabs her hands but she pushes them away. “I’m not asking you to admit that you love me, I’ll never do that I just want to know that you don’t hate me because if I had sex with my friends wife that hates me it’s somehow a thousand times worse and it’s already awful.”
She takes a chance and puts her hands on his chest, fingertips only. Palms would be too intimate.
“I like you. But I can’t. Don’t you get that?”
“Yes. I just wanted to hear it.”
“Okay.” She checks her phone again and has five minutes left. “I’m sorry Jared. I really am.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know. I just feel the need to apologize to everyone at every moment from now until the end of time. I don’t know. It’s all a fucked up mess.” She runs her hands through her hair and puts her hand on his arm to help her ease her way down off the barstool. “I only have a few more minutes left so I’m gonna hit the bathroom then get out of here.”
“Okay.” He murmurs.
“I’m glad we talked Jared.” Her hands still on his knee and she squeeze gently. “I hope things can go back to the way they were before.”
“Yeah.”
She smiles tightly at him and begins to wind through the crowd again towards the back of the bar. She passes the booth where Doug and Sarah are still wrapped around each other and she smiles to herself. For all the grief she gives them about making her the third wheel she actually thinks their relationship is nice. It’s showy and out there and they don’t care who sees them and they don’t care who knows that they’re crazy about each other. She would never have the courage to be like that. Luke probably doesn’t either. But Jared-he probably lives for it. She imagines him being wild and free. Loving without ever being in love. He’s everything any mother would warn a daughter about and Rachel has an uneasy feeling every time she thinks of him that he’s everything she needs at this stage of her life. She’s had twenty five of life and she’s beginning to think she hasn’t lived a single minute. She’s a cliché and she doesn’t know how to fix it or rewrite her life without including Jared. Her mind seems to be a maze and Jared’s at every exit.
She makes it to the corridor that the bathrooms are down and stops at the entrance as two tipsy women push their way out. Just as she starts to enter the doorway she feels a hand on her back and hears her name whispered gruffly in her ear. She knows the touch and the voice by now.
“Jared--.”
Her sentence is cut off by his mouth pressing hard against her as he pushes her against the wall. Her shoulders nestle into the corner and his palm forms around her jaw and his other hand grips firmly at her waist so she can’t move. She mentally panics but kisses him back because he’s everything…
His lips loosen on hers just long enough for her to mumble. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I thought it was code. I’m going to the bathroom. Code.”
“For what? Come stick your tongue down my throat.”
During the frantic conversation her shoulders become unstuck from her wall and he pushes them back again and works his knee between hers.
“Yeah.”
“It really wasn’t.”
“Hmmm.” The sound vibrates through her skin as he kisses the hinge of her jaw. She closes her eyes and gets caught up in the moment (something she does far too little of) and grabs the sides of his face to direct his lips back to hers. His body is covering hers so she’s not worried about being seen but she still pulls him closer just in case. “Come home with me.” He whispers.
She pushes him off of her just enough so they’re not fused together and for a moment the sound of their labored breathing is louder than the music that’s wafting down the hall.
“I-.” A few people wander by behind him and she tucks herself back into him. “Yeah. Okay. Right now. Before I talk myself out of it.” She finishes her clipped sentences with a nod of her head and he takes her hand and holds it low at his side and leads her back through the bar. “Wait.” She stops dead and he snaps back. “What about Sarah and Doug?”
He shakes his head quickly. “They don’t even know we’re alive.” He holds her by the waist in front of him like he’s making sure she’s actually going to leave with him.
He doesn’t know that he has nothing to worry about.
But she surprises him when she rushes to the edge of the sidewalk and gets a cab.
“Is it because you know I’m going to pay for it?” He smirks as he holds the door open and waits for her to duck into the cab.
“I don’t expect you to pay for it.” She looks around to make sure no one’s watching them and that no one cares about what they’re doing and she kisses him. “It’s just the fastest way to your place.” Her hand drops off his chest as she slides into the cab and he darts in after her.
The cab ride to his place is filled with wandering hands and locked lips and the first time that they separate is when the cab jerks to the stop in front of his building and he has to take his hands off her to grab his wallet to pay the fare.
She practically climbs over him as he hands the bill over to the driver and he worries that she’s second guessing and she’s going to make a run for it but as he sets his feet on the sidewalk so turns back to him with a slow smile and tips her head towards the building.
There’s not the same level of guilt associated this time because they don’t make it to his bedroom. It’s not like she can say she slept in another man’s bed. It’s not much and it doesn’t really help but she needs all she can get.
“Stay.” He reaches an arm out to her and wraps his fingers around her arm that she’s using to balance herself against the couch as she puts her jeans back on.
She pulls her arm away so she can have both hands to button up. “I should go.”
“But you don’t want to.”
She laughs a little. She’s so different from the first time that they did this. He likes her this way.
“I can’t do everything I want to do all at once.” She sits down next to him so she can put her shoes back on and he pushes himself up to a sitting position and kisses her neck. She turns her head and kisses his mouth. “I have to pace myself.”
She’s off the couch just as his fingertips touch the skin on her hip just above her jeans.
“Am I going to see you again?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to just let this die here?”
“I don’t know.” That sullen look creeps back onto her face. “Probably. I think it would be for the best.”
He understands that. He goes so far as to accept it and spends the night alone in his bed thinking about how that was the last time he’ll see her. It makes him sad for her. He feels like he’s seen her, if only for a few moments. The real her. The one that laughs and is carefree and actually likes him. He’ll miss her and he thinks it’s incredibly unfair. Luke is a great guy but Jared doesn’t believe he can ever light her up the way that he can.
His sadness doesn’t last for long because the next day she’s back at his place, ring less, kissing him before he can say a word and tugging at his clothes before he can close the door.
It’s their secret. It has to be. It’s a commitment to be in an affair like it’s a commitment to be in a marriage and the two of them are committed to it. When she’s with him she is his. It’s like Luke doesn’t exist and that’s the only way this whole thing can happen. And he really wants it to happen.
For the first few weeks she leaves right away, even if Luke isn’t home and she has no one to go home to. The affair is still new and she’s adjusting to it slowly. He asks her to stay because he got their quicker, he adjusts faster than she does but she always smiles and kisses him lightly and walks out without another word.
But then she starts to stay. Every night he gets to hold her a little while longer. She gets more comfortable. Instead of jumping out of bed right away she lies down next to him, barely touching but close enough that her breath hits his shoulder.
He’s scared to touch her as her eyes flutter closed.
“Are you staying?”
“Mmmm.” She sighs and presses her face to his skin. “Just for a few hours. If I fall asleep can you wake me?”
“Sure.”
She falls asleep fast; like the only time she sleeps are those few hours when she’s with him. Like what they’re doing keeps her up at night with worry while she’s lying in bed alone.
While she sleeps he stays up and watches the clock because he knows she wants to and needs to get home. She has a life she needs to get back to and what they’re doing together isn’t part of it.
Those few hours while she’s sleeping next to him are always his favorite. It’s like they’re all the other has. There’s no husband waiting for her, or waiting for a call from her and there’s no secret or sinking sadness or worry that they’ll be found out. He thinks about things he probably shouldn’t be thinking about. Like what if he met her first? Or what if Luke introduced him to her before they were in an established relationship? What if they were the ones to really hit it off and things would have turned out completely differently. They would’ve fallen in love and gotten married and they would be lying together just like they are now only it wouldn’t be wrong.
He’s getting ahead of himself and too far into this. This isn’t meant to be love and a relationship. She already has all of that.
He shifts on the bed and sinks deeper into the mattress and carefully puts his arm around her. In her haze between being awake and drifting off to sleep she sighs and smiles and he finds it almost impossible to not think about the life they could have had.
Like their kiss and Jared’s feelings of jealousy brought on by the wedding, Luke has no idea that they’re sneaking around behind his back. They keep up appearances. Rachel is the model wife and Jared’s the best friend any guy could ever have.
Their initial distain for each other comes in handy and they use it as an alibi to get out of hanging out altogether with Luke.
“I know you’re not crazy about her-.”
“They why would I go?”
“You know he’s going to be there.”
“Oh, then that settles it, I’m not going.”
Sometimes Luke would unknowingly pull a fast one and they were forced them all to be one, big, happy family and the way that Rachel and Jared act around each other is based on where they are and how much alcohol he has had.
If it’s a low key and relaxed night and all he’s had is a beer or two it will be diplomatic and safe.
“Luke didn’t tell me that you’d be here.”
“Didn’t warn me about you either.”
“That’s great.” She’ll say dryly and they’ll part ways.
But if they meet at a bar and the atmosphere is buzzing and the liquor is flowing then they get dangerous. It’s hands on knees under tables and looks that last too long and occasionally sloppy kisses and roaming hands in bathrooms or alleys. Anywhere they can be out of sight and alone.
When summer rolls around and Luke’s not travelling their late night meetings turn into midday rendezvous that are covered by her telling Luke that she’s going to the gym.
Jared is lounging on the mussed covers only half dressed when she gets out of the shower. She reenters the bedroom in her bra and panties because the rest of her clothes are somewhere strewn in the living room. She looks down the hallway and contemplates going to find them but then she looks back to the bed and him and makes her decision.
She crosses the room with a smile on her face because he’s watching her the whole time.
“I have a question.” He says as he bends an arm beneath his head.
“Yeah.” She stands next to the bed with her knees hitting the mattress. She gathers her long wet hair into a loose bun at the top of her head.
“If you’re supposed to be at the gym what happens when nothing changes?”
She narrows her eyes. It’s a risky question, he knows. It alludes to Luke, he’s the only one that would notice a change, and he’s strictly off limits.
But she’s serene and happy and fresh from the shower and ignores the allusion.
“Are you saying I need to change?” She asks with her hands on her hips.
“No, no. Don’t you do that, don’t change what I mean. Don’t do that woman thing.”
She laughs and crawls onto the bed and he pulls her on top of him. Her forearms are pressed to his chest and he bends his head up to kiss her.
“I did just get a work out.”
He gasps then clucks his tongue while she giggles.
“I can’t believe they let you teach children with that filthy mind of yours.”
“Well I am a terrible influence.” She teases back as his hands move slowly up her back to her hair. He gently pulls the elastic from her hair and it falls down past her shoulders; the ends are curling and grazing his chest. Her body is warm against his and he wraps a strand of her hair around his finger to draw her in to kiss her again.
He flings the elastic across the room so he has full use of his other hand but before he can do anything with it she’s off the bed trying to track it down.
“Jared.” She exclaims. “Don’t do that. I lose these things like it’s my job.” She picks it up off the floor and slides it onto her wrist. “These things are precious.”
“How did you even know I did that?”
“I had my eye on it.”
“While we were making out? I thought I was a little bit more important than that.”
She shrugs and pulls the covers back and slides under them. She’s apparently planning on staying longer even though she’s already pushing the time limits.
So he decides to push his own limits.
“Why did you tell me about your dad?”
“What?”
He turns on his side and looks at her. “Why’d you tell me when no one else knows?”
“Because I knew you’d be the only one that wouldn’t ask a follow up question.”
“You know I’m going to ask some follow up questions now, right?”
“Jared.” She scoffs and shakes her head. “Why does it matter?”
“Because I want to know.”
“It’s not important.”
“Yes it is. If it wasn’t you’d tell more people.”
She sighs when she feels his hand on her hip. “What do you want to know?”
Everything.
“How did it start? How’d your mom get him to stop? Was it your mom?”
“My mom didn’t really get him to stop. He still drinks but he just hides it and she accepts it. She doesn’t want to tell anyone. Especially now since the family pretty much doubled in size so it would be doubly embarrassing. It’s a family secret.”
“How’d it start?”
“I don’t know. It happened before I was born and I’m not going to ask about it. There. No you know pretty much everything I do.”
He knows there has to be more. Some painful memories from her childhood that are bubbling right beneath the surface that come out and haunt her every once in awhile that probably wouldn’t hurt as much if she just said them out loud but he doesn’t want to scare her away. One false move and she could be gone forever. He doesn’t appreciate the eggshells he’s walking on but he respects them.
He drops the talk about her father in favor of keeping her next to him for a few more minutes.
She gets back at him for asking personal questions a few days later when she curls up next to him and randomly asks if he ever thinks about going back to Tennessee.
“I don’t know.”
“You haven’t thought about it?”
“Not really. I’ve been pretty preoccupied.” He drags her closer to him and she laughs.
“So you’ll be here forever?”
“Forever is a long time. Plus it would be kind of hard for us if I was all the way down there.”
“Yeah.” She hums. “But just think about it. You could get yourself some Southern Belle--.”
“I’m okay with what I got.” He’s annoyed and he cuts her off. She’s making plans for the rest of his life for him; ones that don’t include her,
“Forever?”
He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t have an answer, at least not an answer that she would like.
“Okay.” She says softly and tries to relax in the bed but the obvious tension in the room keeps her body rigid.
He doesn’t get how she could be lying there next to him with her head on his pillow and her hand on his chest and be thinking about another woman taking her place.
The irritation that he feels carries over to the next time they see each other.
She’s barefoot in his kitchen; leaning against the counter wearing only his shirt. He’s pouring her coffee because it’s so early; he had to get out of bed to let her in and he’s seriously considering giving her a key because there isn’t a better way to wake up than feeling her climbing into bed next to him.
He hands her the mug and she takes it with a smile, her fingers brushing against his.
“Do you ever think that you’re going to leave him?”
There’s not a better way to ask the question. The only alternative would be to not ask it but he’s so mad and hurt that he blurts it out.
She slams the mug back onto the counter, coffee spilling over the sides and storms off to the bedroom. He’s not coming after her.
“Don’t be mad at me.” He waits for a response that doesn’t come. “Rachel.”
She reemerges with her gym bag over her shoulder shaking her head the whole time she walks towards the door.
“Could you just talk to me? I’m just wondering.”
She changes directions suddenly and winds up right in front of him again.
“What did I say to you when this stupid thing started?”
“You said a lot of things.”
“I said that I would never leave him and I mean that. And I’m definitely not going to leave him for you.”
“What’s so wrong with me?”
“Everything, Jared.”
“You didn’t seem to think that twenty minutes ago.”
“No I didn’t, did I? That’s just another one of my epic mistakes that I apparently keep making. Don’t worry it won’t happen again.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I’m done with this. I’m not doing this anymore.”
“Because of what I said?”
“Because of everything. All of this. It can’t go on forever and I’m calling it now. Let’s just get through this weekend--.”
“What is this weekend?”
“Fourth of July, Jared. The Hamptons. Luke’s parents are coming up? Come on, you couldn’t have forgotten about this.”
“Right.” He cradles his head in his hands. Fourth of July weekend down in the Hamptons; a gift from one of Luke’s friends because as he puts it ‘you might be right but I’ve got connections.’ “God.”
“Let’s just act how we normally act and then I’ll work real hard to never see you again.”
“I don’t believe that.” He tells her as she walks away.
“That’s too damn bad.”
She slams the door behind her.
“Are you thinking about going back to Nashville, Jared?” Luke’s mom asks him from across the picnic table.
They’ve been in the Hampton’s at some rich guy’s house for seven hours and Jared and Rachel haven’t said a word to each other. He really wants to be enjoying himself because the place is beautiful and the weather matches it but she’s barely made eye contact with him and that’s wrecking everything. And he’s outnumbered. Luke and his parents and Rachel’s parents all get along so well so he feels like a total outsider.
“You’ve been up here for awhile. Your mom misses you.” Tina continues.
“I asked her if she wanted to come up this weekend. She said no so....She’s got a lot to do down there I guess.”
“You have been up here a long time though. I had to practically beg you to come up for my birthday and now it’s like you’re glued to the city. What’s that about?” Luke laughs and puts his arm around Rachel’s shoulders. She stares down at her half eaten burger.
“I don’t know. Guess I just thought that I found a reason to stay.”
Her eyes flick up to his but then she looks down right away.
“Reason to stay? That sounds like you found a girl.”
“Not a girl.”
“What about that? Been awhile since I’ve seen you with someone, you haven’t even talked about anyone. That’s unheard of.”
“Taking a little break I guess. I don’t know. I’ve been sewing my wild oats for awhile now and I guess it might be time to slow down. I don’t know.” He’s incredibly uncomfortable and he looks around the table to find all eyes on him. Rachel just happens to be rolling hers.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Tina says. “It’ll make your mother happy.”
“Jared Followill settling down. Never thought I’d see it.” Luke jokes and Rachel gets up and starts to clear the table.
“Well you haven’t yet. I don’t have anyone.”
“It’s only a matter of time.” Tina says. “Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
“Yeah right.” Rachel says under her breath but loud enough for everyone to hear. Her father snorts out a laugh and Jared doesn’t miss the way Rachel and her mother look at the beer bottle that his hand is resting on.
“Play nice, Rachel.” Luke warns but shows it’s not too serious by holding her arm and pulling her down for a kiss.
“I’m always nice.” She answers back and sits back down again.
“You know I think I might know a really nice girl for you Jared.”
“Mom, no.” Rachel says.
“You don’t even know who I’m going to suggest.”
“I don’t care. The answer is no.”
“That’s really alright. If she knows Rachel then she’s probably a little bit like Rachel and if she’s anything like Rachel I just know it won’t work out.” He stares straight at Rachel. “There. Insult for insult. Now we’ve even.”
“Whatever.” She says with another roll of her eyes.
After dinner they head down to the beach to watch the fireworks. Luke and Jared start a fire in the sand and drag down chairs from the patio.
Rachel’s across the fire from him with her legs tucked under her and the glow of the fire illuminating her face. She’s starting at the flames with her eyes and jaw set in concentration as her hand settles into Luke’s hair. He’s sitting on a blanket in the sand with his back resting against her chair.
They seem to be unaware of the conversations their parents are having about them. Their names have been said multiple times but neither of them looks up. It’s like they’re in their own little world and if he didn’t know any better he’d say that they’re the perfect couple. But he knows way too much.
“You know what would be nice?” Rachel’s mom leans towards Luke’s mom. “If we had some kids running around here.”
Luke definitely doesn’t hear that because he’s still looking out to the water and if he did hear it he would have said something but Rachel’s eyes widen as she looks at Jared with a sigh.
He never thought about kids. Of course Luke would want to have them and Rachel is great with them but he never thought about it actually happening. They couldn’t be fooling around while she and Luke were thinking about kids.
He gets up from the chair and the sudden movement gets Luke’s attention.
“Where are you going?”
“Just inside to get a beer. I’ll be back.”
“Alright-bring me one.”
“Me too.” Rachel’s dad raises his arm like he’s calling over a waiter. Rachel shakes her head ever so slightly.
“Sure. No problem.”
In the house he grabs two beers out of the fridge and tucks them under his arm so he can grab the third one for her dad but he hesitates and remembers the disappointed look on Rachel’s face when he agreed to get him one. He can’t do that to her.
He leaves the house with two bottles in his hands and sits down on the steps that are off the patio. He digs his feet into the sand and opens one of the bottles. He’ll miss her but he figures that it’s for the best that she ended it when she did; before it went too far. He was seriously starting to feel things that he’s not even a little bit comfortable with feeling. He puts the bottle down and leans back so he can get his hand into his pocket to grab his cigarettes and a lighter. Quitting isn’t as easy as his mother continues to make it sound.
“Déjà vu.”
Rachel steps out of the dark just as the flame touches the end of the cigarette.
“Different weather.” He says as he thinks back to the Christmas before last and sitting on his mom’s porch with her. “I thought we were supposed to be avoiding each other.”
She sits down next to him; close, her side touching his. “My dad sent me. He said you were taking too long.” She leans forward to see the two bottles. “He also didn’t want you to forget.”
“I won’t-I can’t give him one Rach. He’ll have to come up here and get it himself.”
“He will.”
“Well.” He takes a long drag and doesn’t finish his thought.
She bumps her knees into his to get his attention. “Jared I just want to say that I’m sorry-for what I said to you yesterday. I just want you to know that I didn’t mean any of it. I don’t want what we’re doing to end. I know that’s not right but I passed the point of doing what’s right a long time ago. And I don’t know what to do Jared because I love him.” She holds onto his hand. “But I don’t want to lose you either.”
He tosses the cigarette into the sand and puts his hand up to the side of her face and kisses her.
“I don’t want you.”
He laughs.
“I don’t mean that as an insult.”
“I don’t take it as one.” He drops his hand from her face when he hears laughter coming from the beach. Luke is so close.
She smiles weakly and touches the cross that’s hanging on a silver chain around his neck. It’s come un-tucked from his t-shirt for awhile so it’s cool against her fingertips. She’s used to it being warm from his body heat and lying flush against his skin. She always found it ironic. She saw it as a symbol of good and faith and morals and she only ever saw it while they were lying naked together, cheating.
She drops the necklace under his shirt and leaves her fingertips against the soft cotton.
“Do you think I’m going to hell?”
“What?”
“I just want to know what you think.”
He turns his body to face her and her hand moves to his knee. “I don’t think you’re going to hell. Why would you ask me that?”
“But would your family? Would your mom? I haven’t read the bible in-well-never but isn’t coveting thy neighbor’s wife a thing? Isn’t that pretty much what I’m doing but in reverse?”
“That’s---.” He shakes his head. “Do you really worry about that?”
“I don’t know. Not seriously. I just wonder what’s going to happen if anyone ever found out. What would people think?”
“Nobody’s going to find out.”
“But if they do?”
“Nobody would think that.” He laughs a little and dares to kiss her temple. “Nobody’s going to think that about you. Me however….”
She reacts how he wants and needs her to and laughs.
“And not just because of what we’ve been doing. I have done a lot of things, okay? You have got to really work at getting into hell and baby, I gotta say, you just have not been working hard enough. So you’re going to be fine, alright?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay good. Now let’s get back down there before they come looking for us.” He stands up and holds his hand out to her so he can help her up but she doesn’t take it. She doesn’t even look up at him.
“But what if I just want to be where you are? What then?”
She looks up at him and holds her breath like even she’s surprised by her words. She’s starting to fall for him or at least she’s thinking about falling for him and selfishly it’s what he wants but he knows that it’s wrong. She is with Luke and Luke is fifty feet away from them waiting for her to come back.
She had the right idea to end it but he can’t tell her that now. She looks too fragile and just a little bit in love with him and sending her back to the beach broken and crying isn’t something that he can do.
He does what he can and leans down with both hands on the sides of her face and kisses her. She kisses him back desperately; her hands covering his as she arches her back to get closer to him.
The sounds of the waves and Luke and his parent’s and her parent’s laughing and kids screaming and playing in the warm summer air all fade away as he focuses solely on her and the how warm her fingers and lips are against his and the soft sigh as she kisses him harder. It would be so easy for them to be together if it was just this. If she didn’t have so many things that had to hold her back and they could just kiss all day and be together without the fear of being caught.
All of that is working against them and all he wants is to do what’s best for her.
The next day he’s on a plane back to Nashville.
Song: Accidental Babies- Damien Rice
Word Count: 6,909
“Don’t bite your nails.” Sarah’s fingers wrap around Rachel’s wrist to pull her hand away from her mouth. “Short and bitten nails aren’t attractive.”
“Why do I care about being attractive?”
“Just because you’re married and boring doesn’t mean you need to look that way when you go out. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
“I don’t want to go out.” Rachel mumbles and sits down on Sarah’s bed.
Sarah playfully pulls on the end of Rachel’s ponytail as she floats by to get a pair of shoes out of the closet. She’s dragging Rachel out to a bar because ‘Luke is gone and you need to get out.’ All Rachel wants to do is curl into a ball and forget everything she’s ever done.
Luke doesn’t suspect a thing. Why would he? He’s so happily and naively in love with her and trusting and faithful that he’d never think that less than forty eight hours ago she was having sex with his best friend. The thought still makes her whole body ache; a sharp pain in her head, stomach and heart.
“When does Luke come back?”
Rachel’s jarred from her guilt laced thoughts. “Ummm. Day after tomorrow.”
“And when does he leave again?” She’s completely disappeared in the closet.
“Three days later.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of time gone. Especially in the first year of marriage.”
“It always gets crazy this time of year towards the end of the season. But they won’t go very far in the playoffs. He’ll be home for good soon.”
“Still.” Sarah emerges from the closet with the shoes on and steps in front of the full length mirror to adjust her dress. “If I were you I’d be getting in so much trouble.” When Rachel doesn’t react Sarah turns to her. “What’s wrong with you?”
So many things.
“I told you. I don’t want to go out. I don’t feel good.”
“You never feel good when you have to go out at night.”
Rachel shrugs.
“You’ll have fun. You had fun the last time.”
“Did not. You ditched me for Doug.”
“Only for the last few minutes. I’m letting you wear jeans so it’s a compromise.”
Rachel groans and falls back on the bed.
“Get your ass up. The boys are waiting.”
Rachel knows who the boys are. Jared’s name hasn’t been mentioned but if Doug is going to be there then Jared will be there.
“Come on.” Sarah leans over her and pulls on her arms to get her up. “Let’s go see what Jared is wearing and how good he looks in it.”
“I don’t care what he looks like.” She lies. “Neither should you. You’re with Doug. Exclusively.”
One of the relationships should remain intact.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t look.” Sarah puts her arm around Rachel’s shoulders to lead her out of the apartment.
Look but not touch. That’s all Rachel should’ve done.
As soon as they get to the bar Sarah, with Rachel in tow dragging her along behind her, makes a beeline for Doug. He’s sitting in a booth with his head down looking at his phone so Sarah has let out an obnoxious squeal to get his attention before she slides into the booth next to him. They immediately start to make out.
“Great. I’m already a third wheel. I’m out of here.”
“No.” Sarah springs up and grabs her arm. “Go roam around the bar. Talk. Dance.” She holds up her finger to silence Rachel before she can utter the words ‘I’m married.’ “Talking isn’t cheating.”
Rachel cringes but Sarah doesn’t notice. “But I don’t want to talk to any of these people. I think people that hang out in bars are pathetic and sad and desperate. No offence.”
Doug leans forward to get in on the conversation. “Jared’s at the bar.”
“I rest my case.”
He pushes through the insult. “He’s at the bar and he’s not totally sad and pathetic and desperate. Maybe he’s more on your level.”
Sarah squeezes her arm. “Worth a shot. Give it thirty minutes.”
“Twenty.”
“Twenty minutes. If you’re still a miserable stick in the mud in twenty you can go. Deal?”
“Worst deal ever but okay.”
“Alright. Now go have fun.” She pushes Rachel towards the bar and she begins to navigate her way through the crowds.
When the bar comes into view she sees him sitting at one end of it. Jared looks disheveled and conflicted with his head resting on one hand and his other hand wrapped around a half empty glass. He looks every bit as sad and pathetic and desperate as everyone else. She makes it a few steps towards him before she heads in the other direction and takes a seat at a barstool next to a tipsy brunette woman that’s on the phone.
Rachel has a clear view of Jared from her seat but he doesn’t notice her; he’s still staring down at his drink and Rachel checks her phone for the time. She has eighteen minutes and then she’s allowed to leave.
She orders water from the bartender and as soon as he places the glass in front of her the woman she was sitting next to gets up and a man slips seamlessly into her place. He puts one elbow on the bar and faces her and Rachel takes a deep breath because she knows what’s going to happen next.
“Can I buy you another drink?”
She glances over at him. He’s not terribly attractive but he’s got the confidence like he is; a trait that’s praised in women but never seems to work out with men.
She shakes her glass, the ice rattling against the side. “It’s just water.”
“Then can I get you a real drink?”
“I’m good with water.”
“Nobody’s ever good with water.” He leans towards her and she leans away, making him laugh. “I’m Colin.” He sticks his hand out but Rachel doesn’t move. “What? I’m not good enough to shake your hand and know your name.”
She holds up her left hand. “I’m married.”
“And where’s your husband?”
“Out-Around.”
“Around? What kind of husband would leave a girl like you all alone at the bar? I wouldn’t leave your side.”
Rachel sighs and shakes her head. She’s had enough of this and might be short of the twenty minute agreement but she’s making an exception on account of flirty douche bag Colin. She starts to climb down from the barstool when she feels a hand on her back.
“Hey.” It’s Jared’s voice and Jared’s hand on her back and it’s the only time she ever been remotely happy to see him. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“Is this your husband?” Colin asks as he stands up. He taller and much bigger than Jared but Jared just rolls his eyes.
“Not my husband.” Rachel says quickly.
“Nope. I’m just a guy that knows when another guy can’t take a fucking hint.”
“I think I was doing alright.”
Rachel shakes her head and frowns. “You really weren’t.”
Colin grabs his glass and mumbles a ‘whatever’ under his breath as he walks away.
Jared takes his place and his hand finally falls off her back.
“That guy was way bigger than you.” She tells him.
“I know.” He sits down. “I’m glad he didn’t challenge me.” He laughs a little before he realizes that things should be awkward. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
“I’m kind of surprised that I’m here.” She says awkwardly as she pulls at the sleeves of her sweater. “But Sarah talked me into it so…”
“Hmm.”
“She’s so stubborn.”
“She’s just like you.”
“I am not stubborn.”
“Really? How long do you have to stay in the bar before you get to leave? What was the agreed time?”
“Twenty minutes.”
“And what time did Sarah say before you talked her down?”
“Thirty-Hey.” She defends when Jared points an accusing finger at her. “Just because I’m a good negotiator doesn’t mean that I’m stubborn.”
“Whatever you say.”
There’s another awkward lull and he clears his throat to break it.
“About what happened-.” He starts.
“Nothing happened.”
“Okay.” He says slowly. “But it did.”
“Jared please.”
“I’m just saying-would you just let me talk this out because I had it all planned in my head and I really need to get it out. Okay?” When she nods he continues. “What happened happened, but it shouldn’t have happened. And I know I didn’t force you into it but I feel like I talked you into it. I should’ve told you no.”
“I should have been the one saying that.”
“It should have been one of us might as well have been me. What happened was wrong in every way. Great but wrong. He’s my best friend and I know how much he loves you and what we did was--.”
“Wrong.”
“Yes. But I don’t think that we can just forget it. It’s not fair to us, you know? To pretend that we don’t have feelings for each other.”
“I don’t have feelings for you. I don’t like you. I never will.”
“Well.” He heaves a sigh. “That fucking sucks because I have some definite feelings for you.”
“Jared.” She says softly, voice full of sympathy.
“I don’t mean to and I don’t want to but I like you. And I think you like me too.”
“No.”
He grabs her hands but she pushes them away. “I’m not asking you to admit that you love me, I’ll never do that I just want to know that you don’t hate me because if I had sex with my friends wife that hates me it’s somehow a thousand times worse and it’s already awful.”
She takes a chance and puts her hands on his chest, fingertips only. Palms would be too intimate.
“I like you. But I can’t. Don’t you get that?”
“Yes. I just wanted to hear it.”
“Okay.” She checks her phone again and has five minutes left. “I’m sorry Jared. I really am.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know. I just feel the need to apologize to everyone at every moment from now until the end of time. I don’t know. It’s all a fucked up mess.” She runs her hands through her hair and puts her hand on his arm to help her ease her way down off the barstool. “I only have a few more minutes left so I’m gonna hit the bathroom then get out of here.”
“Okay.” He murmurs.
“I’m glad we talked Jared.” Her hands still on his knee and she squeeze gently. “I hope things can go back to the way they were before.”
“Yeah.”
She smiles tightly at him and begins to wind through the crowd again towards the back of the bar. She passes the booth where Doug and Sarah are still wrapped around each other and she smiles to herself. For all the grief she gives them about making her the third wheel she actually thinks their relationship is nice. It’s showy and out there and they don’t care who sees them and they don’t care who knows that they’re crazy about each other. She would never have the courage to be like that. Luke probably doesn’t either. But Jared-he probably lives for it. She imagines him being wild and free. Loving without ever being in love. He’s everything any mother would warn a daughter about and Rachel has an uneasy feeling every time she thinks of him that he’s everything she needs at this stage of her life. She’s had twenty five of life and she’s beginning to think she hasn’t lived a single minute. She’s a cliché and she doesn’t know how to fix it or rewrite her life without including Jared. Her mind seems to be a maze and Jared’s at every exit.
She makes it to the corridor that the bathrooms are down and stops at the entrance as two tipsy women push their way out. Just as she starts to enter the doorway she feels a hand on her back and hears her name whispered gruffly in her ear. She knows the touch and the voice by now.
“Jared--.”
Her sentence is cut off by his mouth pressing hard against her as he pushes her against the wall. Her shoulders nestle into the corner and his palm forms around her jaw and his other hand grips firmly at her waist so she can’t move. She mentally panics but kisses him back because he’s everything…
His lips loosen on hers just long enough for her to mumble. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I thought it was code. I’m going to the bathroom. Code.”
“For what? Come stick your tongue down my throat.”
During the frantic conversation her shoulders become unstuck from her wall and he pushes them back again and works his knee between hers.
“Yeah.”
“It really wasn’t.”
“Hmmm.” The sound vibrates through her skin as he kisses the hinge of her jaw. She closes her eyes and gets caught up in the moment (something she does far too little of) and grabs the sides of his face to direct his lips back to hers. His body is covering hers so she’s not worried about being seen but she still pulls him closer just in case. “Come home with me.” He whispers.
She pushes him off of her just enough so they’re not fused together and for a moment the sound of their labored breathing is louder than the music that’s wafting down the hall.
“I-.” A few people wander by behind him and she tucks herself back into him. “Yeah. Okay. Right now. Before I talk myself out of it.” She finishes her clipped sentences with a nod of her head and he takes her hand and holds it low at his side and leads her back through the bar. “Wait.” She stops dead and he snaps back. “What about Sarah and Doug?”
He shakes his head quickly. “They don’t even know we’re alive.” He holds her by the waist in front of him like he’s making sure she’s actually going to leave with him.
He doesn’t know that he has nothing to worry about.
But she surprises him when she rushes to the edge of the sidewalk and gets a cab.
“Is it because you know I’m going to pay for it?” He smirks as he holds the door open and waits for her to duck into the cab.
“I don’t expect you to pay for it.” She looks around to make sure no one’s watching them and that no one cares about what they’re doing and she kisses him. “It’s just the fastest way to your place.” Her hand drops off his chest as she slides into the cab and he darts in after her.
The cab ride to his place is filled with wandering hands and locked lips and the first time that they separate is when the cab jerks to the stop in front of his building and he has to take his hands off her to grab his wallet to pay the fare.
She practically climbs over him as he hands the bill over to the driver and he worries that she’s second guessing and she’s going to make a run for it but as he sets his feet on the sidewalk so turns back to him with a slow smile and tips her head towards the building.
There’s not the same level of guilt associated this time because they don’t make it to his bedroom. It’s not like she can say she slept in another man’s bed. It’s not much and it doesn’t really help but she needs all she can get.
“Stay.” He reaches an arm out to her and wraps his fingers around her arm that she’s using to balance herself against the couch as she puts her jeans back on.
She pulls her arm away so she can have both hands to button up. “I should go.”
“But you don’t want to.”
She laughs a little. She’s so different from the first time that they did this. He likes her this way.
“I can’t do everything I want to do all at once.” She sits down next to him so she can put her shoes back on and he pushes himself up to a sitting position and kisses her neck. She turns her head and kisses his mouth. “I have to pace myself.”
She’s off the couch just as his fingertips touch the skin on her hip just above her jeans.
“Am I going to see you again?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to just let this die here?”
“I don’t know.” That sullen look creeps back onto her face. “Probably. I think it would be for the best.”
He understands that. He goes so far as to accept it and spends the night alone in his bed thinking about how that was the last time he’ll see her. It makes him sad for her. He feels like he’s seen her, if only for a few moments. The real her. The one that laughs and is carefree and actually likes him. He’ll miss her and he thinks it’s incredibly unfair. Luke is a great guy but Jared doesn’t believe he can ever light her up the way that he can.
His sadness doesn’t last for long because the next day she’s back at his place, ring less, kissing him before he can say a word and tugging at his clothes before he can close the door.
It’s their secret. It has to be. It’s a commitment to be in an affair like it’s a commitment to be in a marriage and the two of them are committed to it. When she’s with him she is his. It’s like Luke doesn’t exist and that’s the only way this whole thing can happen. And he really wants it to happen.
For the first few weeks she leaves right away, even if Luke isn’t home and she has no one to go home to. The affair is still new and she’s adjusting to it slowly. He asks her to stay because he got their quicker, he adjusts faster than she does but she always smiles and kisses him lightly and walks out without another word.
But then she starts to stay. Every night he gets to hold her a little while longer. She gets more comfortable. Instead of jumping out of bed right away she lies down next to him, barely touching but close enough that her breath hits his shoulder.
He’s scared to touch her as her eyes flutter closed.
“Are you staying?”
“Mmmm.” She sighs and presses her face to his skin. “Just for a few hours. If I fall asleep can you wake me?”
“Sure.”
She falls asleep fast; like the only time she sleeps are those few hours when she’s with him. Like what they’re doing keeps her up at night with worry while she’s lying in bed alone.
While she sleeps he stays up and watches the clock because he knows she wants to and needs to get home. She has a life she needs to get back to and what they’re doing together isn’t part of it.
Those few hours while she’s sleeping next to him are always his favorite. It’s like they’re all the other has. There’s no husband waiting for her, or waiting for a call from her and there’s no secret or sinking sadness or worry that they’ll be found out. He thinks about things he probably shouldn’t be thinking about. Like what if he met her first? Or what if Luke introduced him to her before they were in an established relationship? What if they were the ones to really hit it off and things would have turned out completely differently. They would’ve fallen in love and gotten married and they would be lying together just like they are now only it wouldn’t be wrong.
He’s getting ahead of himself and too far into this. This isn’t meant to be love and a relationship. She already has all of that.
He shifts on the bed and sinks deeper into the mattress and carefully puts his arm around her. In her haze between being awake and drifting off to sleep she sighs and smiles and he finds it almost impossible to not think about the life they could have had.
Like their kiss and Jared’s feelings of jealousy brought on by the wedding, Luke has no idea that they’re sneaking around behind his back. They keep up appearances. Rachel is the model wife and Jared’s the best friend any guy could ever have.
Their initial distain for each other comes in handy and they use it as an alibi to get out of hanging out altogether with Luke.
“I know you’re not crazy about her-.”
“They why would I go?”
“You know he’s going to be there.”
“Oh, then that settles it, I’m not going.”
Sometimes Luke would unknowingly pull a fast one and they were forced them all to be one, big, happy family and the way that Rachel and Jared act around each other is based on where they are and how much alcohol he has had.
If it’s a low key and relaxed night and all he’s had is a beer or two it will be diplomatic and safe.
“Luke didn’t tell me that you’d be here.”
“Didn’t warn me about you either.”
“That’s great.” She’ll say dryly and they’ll part ways.
But if they meet at a bar and the atmosphere is buzzing and the liquor is flowing then they get dangerous. It’s hands on knees under tables and looks that last too long and occasionally sloppy kisses and roaming hands in bathrooms or alleys. Anywhere they can be out of sight and alone.
When summer rolls around and Luke’s not travelling their late night meetings turn into midday rendezvous that are covered by her telling Luke that she’s going to the gym.
Jared is lounging on the mussed covers only half dressed when she gets out of the shower. She reenters the bedroom in her bra and panties because the rest of her clothes are somewhere strewn in the living room. She looks down the hallway and contemplates going to find them but then she looks back to the bed and him and makes her decision.
She crosses the room with a smile on her face because he’s watching her the whole time.
“I have a question.” He says as he bends an arm beneath his head.
“Yeah.” She stands next to the bed with her knees hitting the mattress. She gathers her long wet hair into a loose bun at the top of her head.
“If you’re supposed to be at the gym what happens when nothing changes?”
She narrows her eyes. It’s a risky question, he knows. It alludes to Luke, he’s the only one that would notice a change, and he’s strictly off limits.
But she’s serene and happy and fresh from the shower and ignores the allusion.
“Are you saying I need to change?” She asks with her hands on her hips.
“No, no. Don’t you do that, don’t change what I mean. Don’t do that woman thing.”
She laughs and crawls onto the bed and he pulls her on top of him. Her forearms are pressed to his chest and he bends his head up to kiss her.
“I did just get a work out.”
He gasps then clucks his tongue while she giggles.
“I can’t believe they let you teach children with that filthy mind of yours.”
“Well I am a terrible influence.” She teases back as his hands move slowly up her back to her hair. He gently pulls the elastic from her hair and it falls down past her shoulders; the ends are curling and grazing his chest. Her body is warm against his and he wraps a strand of her hair around his finger to draw her in to kiss her again.
He flings the elastic across the room so he has full use of his other hand but before he can do anything with it she’s off the bed trying to track it down.
“Jared.” She exclaims. “Don’t do that. I lose these things like it’s my job.” She picks it up off the floor and slides it onto her wrist. “These things are precious.”
“How did you even know I did that?”
“I had my eye on it.”
“While we were making out? I thought I was a little bit more important than that.”
She shrugs and pulls the covers back and slides under them. She’s apparently planning on staying longer even though she’s already pushing the time limits.
So he decides to push his own limits.
“Why did you tell me about your dad?”
“What?”
He turns on his side and looks at her. “Why’d you tell me when no one else knows?”
“Because I knew you’d be the only one that wouldn’t ask a follow up question.”
“You know I’m going to ask some follow up questions now, right?”
“Jared.” She scoffs and shakes her head. “Why does it matter?”
“Because I want to know.”
“It’s not important.”
“Yes it is. If it wasn’t you’d tell more people.”
She sighs when she feels his hand on her hip. “What do you want to know?”
Everything.
“How did it start? How’d your mom get him to stop? Was it your mom?”
“My mom didn’t really get him to stop. He still drinks but he just hides it and she accepts it. She doesn’t want to tell anyone. Especially now since the family pretty much doubled in size so it would be doubly embarrassing. It’s a family secret.”
“How’d it start?”
“I don’t know. It happened before I was born and I’m not going to ask about it. There. No you know pretty much everything I do.”
He knows there has to be more. Some painful memories from her childhood that are bubbling right beneath the surface that come out and haunt her every once in awhile that probably wouldn’t hurt as much if she just said them out loud but he doesn’t want to scare her away. One false move and she could be gone forever. He doesn’t appreciate the eggshells he’s walking on but he respects them.
He drops the talk about her father in favor of keeping her next to him for a few more minutes.
She gets back at him for asking personal questions a few days later when she curls up next to him and randomly asks if he ever thinks about going back to Tennessee.
“I don’t know.”
“You haven’t thought about it?”
“Not really. I’ve been pretty preoccupied.” He drags her closer to him and she laughs.
“So you’ll be here forever?”
“Forever is a long time. Plus it would be kind of hard for us if I was all the way down there.”
“Yeah.” She hums. “But just think about it. You could get yourself some Southern Belle--.”
“I’m okay with what I got.” He’s annoyed and he cuts her off. She’s making plans for the rest of his life for him; ones that don’t include her,
“Forever?”
He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t have an answer, at least not an answer that she would like.
“Okay.” She says softly and tries to relax in the bed but the obvious tension in the room keeps her body rigid.
He doesn’t get how she could be lying there next to him with her head on his pillow and her hand on his chest and be thinking about another woman taking her place.
The irritation that he feels carries over to the next time they see each other.
She’s barefoot in his kitchen; leaning against the counter wearing only his shirt. He’s pouring her coffee because it’s so early; he had to get out of bed to let her in and he’s seriously considering giving her a key because there isn’t a better way to wake up than feeling her climbing into bed next to him.
He hands her the mug and she takes it with a smile, her fingers brushing against his.
“Do you ever think that you’re going to leave him?”
There’s not a better way to ask the question. The only alternative would be to not ask it but he’s so mad and hurt that he blurts it out.
She slams the mug back onto the counter, coffee spilling over the sides and storms off to the bedroom. He’s not coming after her.
“Don’t be mad at me.” He waits for a response that doesn’t come. “Rachel.”
She reemerges with her gym bag over her shoulder shaking her head the whole time she walks towards the door.
“Could you just talk to me? I’m just wondering.”
She changes directions suddenly and winds up right in front of him again.
“What did I say to you when this stupid thing started?”
“You said a lot of things.”
“I said that I would never leave him and I mean that. And I’m definitely not going to leave him for you.”
“What’s so wrong with me?”
“Everything, Jared.”
“You didn’t seem to think that twenty minutes ago.”
“No I didn’t, did I? That’s just another one of my epic mistakes that I apparently keep making. Don’t worry it won’t happen again.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I’m done with this. I’m not doing this anymore.”
“Because of what I said?”
“Because of everything. All of this. It can’t go on forever and I’m calling it now. Let’s just get through this weekend--.”
“What is this weekend?”
“Fourth of July, Jared. The Hamptons. Luke’s parents are coming up? Come on, you couldn’t have forgotten about this.”
“Right.” He cradles his head in his hands. Fourth of July weekend down in the Hamptons; a gift from one of Luke’s friends because as he puts it ‘you might be right but I’ve got connections.’ “God.”
“Let’s just act how we normally act and then I’ll work real hard to never see you again.”
“I don’t believe that.” He tells her as she walks away.
“That’s too damn bad.”
She slams the door behind her.
“Are you thinking about going back to Nashville, Jared?” Luke’s mom asks him from across the picnic table.
They’ve been in the Hampton’s at some rich guy’s house for seven hours and Jared and Rachel haven’t said a word to each other. He really wants to be enjoying himself because the place is beautiful and the weather matches it but she’s barely made eye contact with him and that’s wrecking everything. And he’s outnumbered. Luke and his parents and Rachel’s parents all get along so well so he feels like a total outsider.
“You’ve been up here for awhile. Your mom misses you.” Tina continues.
“I asked her if she wanted to come up this weekend. She said no so....She’s got a lot to do down there I guess.”
“You have been up here a long time though. I had to practically beg you to come up for my birthday and now it’s like you’re glued to the city. What’s that about?” Luke laughs and puts his arm around Rachel’s shoulders. She stares down at her half eaten burger.
“I don’t know. Guess I just thought that I found a reason to stay.”
Her eyes flick up to his but then she looks down right away.
“Reason to stay? That sounds like you found a girl.”
“Not a girl.”
“What about that? Been awhile since I’ve seen you with someone, you haven’t even talked about anyone. That’s unheard of.”
“Taking a little break I guess. I don’t know. I’ve been sewing my wild oats for awhile now and I guess it might be time to slow down. I don’t know.” He’s incredibly uncomfortable and he looks around the table to find all eyes on him. Rachel just happens to be rolling hers.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Tina says. “It’ll make your mother happy.”
“Jared Followill settling down. Never thought I’d see it.” Luke jokes and Rachel gets up and starts to clear the table.
“Well you haven’t yet. I don’t have anyone.”
“It’s only a matter of time.” Tina says. “Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
“Yeah right.” Rachel says under her breath but loud enough for everyone to hear. Her father snorts out a laugh and Jared doesn’t miss the way Rachel and her mother look at the beer bottle that his hand is resting on.
“Play nice, Rachel.” Luke warns but shows it’s not too serious by holding her arm and pulling her down for a kiss.
“I’m always nice.” She answers back and sits back down again.
“You know I think I might know a really nice girl for you Jared.”
“Mom, no.” Rachel says.
“You don’t even know who I’m going to suggest.”
“I don’t care. The answer is no.”
“That’s really alright. If she knows Rachel then she’s probably a little bit like Rachel and if she’s anything like Rachel I just know it won’t work out.” He stares straight at Rachel. “There. Insult for insult. Now we’ve even.”
“Whatever.” She says with another roll of her eyes.
After dinner they head down to the beach to watch the fireworks. Luke and Jared start a fire in the sand and drag down chairs from the patio.
Rachel’s across the fire from him with her legs tucked under her and the glow of the fire illuminating her face. She’s starting at the flames with her eyes and jaw set in concentration as her hand settles into Luke’s hair. He’s sitting on a blanket in the sand with his back resting against her chair.
They seem to be unaware of the conversations their parents are having about them. Their names have been said multiple times but neither of them looks up. It’s like they’re in their own little world and if he didn’t know any better he’d say that they’re the perfect couple. But he knows way too much.
“You know what would be nice?” Rachel’s mom leans towards Luke’s mom. “If we had some kids running around here.”
Luke definitely doesn’t hear that because he’s still looking out to the water and if he did hear it he would have said something but Rachel’s eyes widen as she looks at Jared with a sigh.
He never thought about kids. Of course Luke would want to have them and Rachel is great with them but he never thought about it actually happening. They couldn’t be fooling around while she and Luke were thinking about kids.
He gets up from the chair and the sudden movement gets Luke’s attention.
“Where are you going?”
“Just inside to get a beer. I’ll be back.”
“Alright-bring me one.”
“Me too.” Rachel’s dad raises his arm like he’s calling over a waiter. Rachel shakes her head ever so slightly.
“Sure. No problem.”
In the house he grabs two beers out of the fridge and tucks them under his arm so he can grab the third one for her dad but he hesitates and remembers the disappointed look on Rachel’s face when he agreed to get him one. He can’t do that to her.
He leaves the house with two bottles in his hands and sits down on the steps that are off the patio. He digs his feet into the sand and opens one of the bottles. He’ll miss her but he figures that it’s for the best that she ended it when she did; before it went too far. He was seriously starting to feel things that he’s not even a little bit comfortable with feeling. He puts the bottle down and leans back so he can get his hand into his pocket to grab his cigarettes and a lighter. Quitting isn’t as easy as his mother continues to make it sound.
“Déjà vu.”
Rachel steps out of the dark just as the flame touches the end of the cigarette.
“Different weather.” He says as he thinks back to the Christmas before last and sitting on his mom’s porch with her. “I thought we were supposed to be avoiding each other.”
She sits down next to him; close, her side touching his. “My dad sent me. He said you were taking too long.” She leans forward to see the two bottles. “He also didn’t want you to forget.”
“I won’t-I can’t give him one Rach. He’ll have to come up here and get it himself.”
“He will.”
“Well.” He takes a long drag and doesn’t finish his thought.
She bumps her knees into his to get his attention. “Jared I just want to say that I’m sorry-for what I said to you yesterday. I just want you to know that I didn’t mean any of it. I don’t want what we’re doing to end. I know that’s not right but I passed the point of doing what’s right a long time ago. And I don’t know what to do Jared because I love him.” She holds onto his hand. “But I don’t want to lose you either.”
He tosses the cigarette into the sand and puts his hand up to the side of her face and kisses her.
“I don’t want you.”
He laughs.
“I don’t mean that as an insult.”
“I don’t take it as one.” He drops his hand from her face when he hears laughter coming from the beach. Luke is so close.
She smiles weakly and touches the cross that’s hanging on a silver chain around his neck. It’s come un-tucked from his t-shirt for awhile so it’s cool against her fingertips. She’s used to it being warm from his body heat and lying flush against his skin. She always found it ironic. She saw it as a symbol of good and faith and morals and she only ever saw it while they were lying naked together, cheating.
She drops the necklace under his shirt and leaves her fingertips against the soft cotton.
“Do you think I’m going to hell?”
“What?”
“I just want to know what you think.”
He turns his body to face her and her hand moves to his knee. “I don’t think you’re going to hell. Why would you ask me that?”
“But would your family? Would your mom? I haven’t read the bible in-well-never but isn’t coveting thy neighbor’s wife a thing? Isn’t that pretty much what I’m doing but in reverse?”
“That’s---.” He shakes his head. “Do you really worry about that?”
“I don’t know. Not seriously. I just wonder what’s going to happen if anyone ever found out. What would people think?”
“Nobody’s going to find out.”
“But if they do?”
“Nobody would think that.” He laughs a little and dares to kiss her temple. “Nobody’s going to think that about you. Me however….”
She reacts how he wants and needs her to and laughs.
“And not just because of what we’ve been doing. I have done a lot of things, okay? You have got to really work at getting into hell and baby, I gotta say, you just have not been working hard enough. So you’re going to be fine, alright?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay good. Now let’s get back down there before they come looking for us.” He stands up and holds his hand out to her so he can help her up but she doesn’t take it. She doesn’t even look up at him.
“But what if I just want to be where you are? What then?”
She looks up at him and holds her breath like even she’s surprised by her words. She’s starting to fall for him or at least she’s thinking about falling for him and selfishly it’s what he wants but he knows that it’s wrong. She is with Luke and Luke is fifty feet away from them waiting for her to come back.
She had the right idea to end it but he can’t tell her that now. She looks too fragile and just a little bit in love with him and sending her back to the beach broken and crying isn’t something that he can do.
He does what he can and leans down with both hands on the sides of her face and kisses her. She kisses him back desperately; her hands covering his as she arches her back to get closer to him.
The sounds of the waves and Luke and his parent’s and her parent’s laughing and kids screaming and playing in the warm summer air all fade away as he focuses solely on her and the how warm her fingers and lips are against his and the soft sigh as she kisses him harder. It would be so easy for them to be together if it was just this. If she didn’t have so many things that had to hold her back and they could just kiss all day and be together without the fear of being caught.
All of that is working against them and all he wants is to do what’s best for her.
The next day he’s on a plane back to Nashville.