In no way related to the previous post.
I am so tired of this depression.
I'm trying very hard not to let it affect anyone else, but I know I'm not completely succeeding at that.
I also know that most of it is self wrought. My fault, and no one else's.
But it still hurts. I miss her, and try as I might, I can't just say 'alright, I give' and just accept it.
Its so much easier to let yourself loosen your grip on someone if they're actually gone. The hour or two spurts we get is almost somehow so much harder than just not seeing her at all. A huge reminder of how fast an hour can go by at times like that.
Not that I begrudge anyone their lives. I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy for my loves. I'm happy that they are happy. All I want in the world for her is her happiness. I know, with a little time, her new RL will make her happy, loved, busy and soon enough she'll have no time or real need for coming by. Much like others..
How much harder will it be then? If I can't give it up now? How much damage will my selfishness cause me?
Where do I go? To try to let go, without hurting people and her. How do I stay but leave at the same time?
Be there to be able to see her when she's there.. but not let myself think it's ever going to be the same again. never the same long talks, never the same hugs.. never the same goodbyes. And that someday it'll be gone altogether. Keep my mind being realistic, but still being able to smile when I see her or even hear of her; rather than lock down and wait for the next hammer to fall.
How do I keep her.. and keep myself at the same time?
I'm tired of hurting.. and I'm tired of hurting others. I've gotta let myself get out of this somehow.
I am the optimist, not the depression ridden, sniveling child. I'm always the one seeing the silver lining. I do see it.. a shining streak of silver. Her happiness and her having a new family.. so why can't I stop this? She's happy.. and everyone else is right along with her. why am I not?
I'm trying very hard not to let it affect anyone else, but I know I'm not completely succeeding at that.
I also know that most of it is self wrought. My fault, and no one else's.
But it still hurts. I miss her, and try as I might, I can't just say 'alright, I give' and just accept it.
Its so much easier to let yourself loosen your grip on someone if they're actually gone. The hour or two spurts we get is almost somehow so much harder than just not seeing her at all. A huge reminder of how fast an hour can go by at times like that.
Not that I begrudge anyone their lives. I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy for my loves. I'm happy that they are happy. All I want in the world for her is her happiness. I know, with a little time, her new RL will make her happy, loved, busy and soon enough she'll have no time or real need for coming by. Much like others..
How much harder will it be then? If I can't give it up now? How much damage will my selfishness cause me?
Where do I go? To try to let go, without hurting people and her. How do I stay but leave at the same time?
Be there to be able to see her when she's there.. but not let myself think it's ever going to be the same again. never the same long talks, never the same hugs.. never the same goodbyes. And that someday it'll be gone altogether. Keep my mind being realistic, but still being able to smile when I see her or even hear of her; rather than lock down and wait for the next hammer to fall.
How do I keep her.. and keep myself at the same time?
I'm tired of hurting.. and I'm tired of hurting others. I've gotta let myself get out of this somehow.
I am the optimist, not the depression ridden, sniveling child. I'm always the one seeing the silver lining. I do see it.. a shining streak of silver. Her happiness and her having a new family.. so why can't I stop this? She's happy.. and everyone else is right along with her. why am I not?