(no subject)
time's a bitch.
i never really felt that wretched ownership over time, that makes you feel like everyone and everything is stealing from you. funny, how the past two or three years, a blur of obligation and appiointments, class and papers and service trips and leading small groups and speaking at lectures... i gave away times so freely because it was like everything else i loved - communal. as time was ours, it was yours to partake in. i never had enough time, it seemed, but i never truly begrudged anyone a moment or an hour or a weekend, really, knowing that this time was ours to share and it was beautiful even if i had not planned it.
but i fear excessive wealth of time is like excessive wealth of anything - now that I've so much time for myself, time that i've already allocated to books and movies and sunshine and study, i feel as though everyone is encroaching upon it - MY time, my precious few weeks. now that i've got whole days free instead of a few minutes, i am less willing to take phone calls from friends and practically dread visits.
since when am i this possessive about anything? but no, my time is precious, my time is mine.
i am not the most important thing in my life.
enjoy this opportunity to finally be alone, to finally read a few books, to finally think and breathe free of most responsibility? sure. but not at the expense of perspective and ability to care for the needs of others.
i need to do something for someone else. S tells me he's relieved ive some time for myself - he says he felt uneasy about me running off to brooklyn so quickly.
"i know that i have a lot to learn from you about serving other people, and its great that you have such a passion for that, but...."
"i know"
"... sometimes i think you hide behind serving others, or use it as a crutch"
"yeah, i - wait, what?"
im not sure of myself at all sometimes. i think i know my pitfalls better than most, but i never thought service was one of them. so what now? am i hiding from time for myself, anxiously trying to do things for other people because it makes me feel better?
or am i realizing a sicking self-centeredness that bubbles up in me when i've only myself to serve?
i kind of want to take a nap. but no. off to study.
i never really felt that wretched ownership over time, that makes you feel like everyone and everything is stealing from you. funny, how the past two or three years, a blur of obligation and appiointments, class and papers and service trips and leading small groups and speaking at lectures... i gave away times so freely because it was like everything else i loved - communal. as time was ours, it was yours to partake in. i never had enough time, it seemed, but i never truly begrudged anyone a moment or an hour or a weekend, really, knowing that this time was ours to share and it was beautiful even if i had not planned it.
but i fear excessive wealth of time is like excessive wealth of anything - now that I've so much time for myself, time that i've already allocated to books and movies and sunshine and study, i feel as though everyone is encroaching upon it - MY time, my precious few weeks. now that i've got whole days free instead of a few minutes, i am less willing to take phone calls from friends and practically dread visits.
since when am i this possessive about anything? but no, my time is precious, my time is mine.
i am not the most important thing in my life.
enjoy this opportunity to finally be alone, to finally read a few books, to finally think and breathe free of most responsibility? sure. but not at the expense of perspective and ability to care for the needs of others.
i need to do something for someone else. S tells me he's relieved ive some time for myself - he says he felt uneasy about me running off to brooklyn so quickly.
"i know that i have a lot to learn from you about serving other people, and its great that you have such a passion for that, but...."
"i know"
"... sometimes i think you hide behind serving others, or use it as a crutch"
"yeah, i - wait, what?"
im not sure of myself at all sometimes. i think i know my pitfalls better than most, but i never thought service was one of them. so what now? am i hiding from time for myself, anxiously trying to do things for other people because it makes me feel better?
or am i realizing a sicking self-centeredness that bubbles up in me when i've only myself to serve?
i kind of want to take a nap. but no. off to study.