Back to this
OK, I re-upgraded to a paid account in here to hopefully inspire me to write more.
I've been a bit down for the last day or so due to the fact that for whatever reasons (many and varied) that I'm never going to be a father. It's the oldest cliche in the book that you never miss the water until the well runs dry. My failed relationship with Shawna was pretty much my last chance at that. In retrospect of course I'm very glad that we didn't conceive. Her dishonesty and distance in the final throes of the marriage proved that she certainly wasn't worth all of that.
Michelle and I can't have kids without medical intervention and that goes against a lot of what I believe in. That's not really the point anyway. To be frank, I'm too old. I'm going to be 44 next month and I don't want to be an "old dad". When I was in high school one of my friends had a father who was about the same age as my grandfather and I always felt that must have been tough for him. I never did talk to him about it though.
Besides, I'm in a dead-end job and wishy washy about what to do next with my life. At least I'm in a really great relationship and that aspect of my life is calm and stable. Michelle is an amazingly supportive and understanding woman. I've been thinking more seriously about school and she's all for that. Something that would get me into the state park system might be fun. Not much more money than I make now, but I love the idea of working outdoors.
Back to the kid thing for a sec, I wish to hell that the Boy Scouts didn't have such a stick up their asses about the god thing. I was only a scout for a few years, but I got a lot out of it and I'd love to at least be able to give that much back to some kids. There are a more atheist/secular camps springing up, maybe next summer I can get involved with one of them. I've also considered the "Big Brother" program, maybe that would be interesting. Not sure they'd let me take kids deep into the swamps though!
I'm also still stopped up about writing a larger project. It's as if I have all this informational pressure built up and I can't find the release valve. Music, my days at the pawn shop, the medical environment, my time outdoors; all of these things are worthy of writing about (in my opinion), but I haven't been able to find a way to gel them into something cohesive enough to merit long form writing, let alone potential publication. I'm mercenary enough to want to be able to publish something that I put down and hopefully profit from it as well.
The same as it's always been with me as an adult (what the fuck does that mean anyway?), I lack passion about anything personal and I lack ambition about anything professional.
I've been a bit down for the last day or so due to the fact that for whatever reasons (many and varied) that I'm never going to be a father. It's the oldest cliche in the book that you never miss the water until the well runs dry. My failed relationship with Shawna was pretty much my last chance at that. In retrospect of course I'm very glad that we didn't conceive. Her dishonesty and distance in the final throes of the marriage proved that she certainly wasn't worth all of that.
Michelle and I can't have kids without medical intervention and that goes against a lot of what I believe in. That's not really the point anyway. To be frank, I'm too old. I'm going to be 44 next month and I don't want to be an "old dad". When I was in high school one of my friends had a father who was about the same age as my grandfather and I always felt that must have been tough for him. I never did talk to him about it though.
Besides, I'm in a dead-end job and wishy washy about what to do next with my life. At least I'm in a really great relationship and that aspect of my life is calm and stable. Michelle is an amazingly supportive and understanding woman. I've been thinking more seriously about school and she's all for that. Something that would get me into the state park system might be fun. Not much more money than I make now, but I love the idea of working outdoors.
Back to the kid thing for a sec, I wish to hell that the Boy Scouts didn't have such a stick up their asses about the god thing. I was only a scout for a few years, but I got a lot out of it and I'd love to at least be able to give that much back to some kids. There are a more atheist/secular camps springing up, maybe next summer I can get involved with one of them. I've also considered the "Big Brother" program, maybe that would be interesting. Not sure they'd let me take kids deep into the swamps though!
I'm also still stopped up about writing a larger project. It's as if I have all this informational pressure built up and I can't find the release valve. Music, my days at the pawn shop, the medical environment, my time outdoors; all of these things are worthy of writing about (in my opinion), but I haven't been able to find a way to gel them into something cohesive enough to merit long form writing, let alone potential publication. I'm mercenary enough to want to be able to publish something that I put down and hopefully profit from it as well.
The same as it's always been with me as an adult (what the fuck does that mean anyway?), I lack passion about anything personal and I lack ambition about anything professional.