About my life
I don't know if it's good that I'm writing it here but I;m afraid that I don't have any better place to connect with all my friends that I'm exchanging emails and letters.
First of all, I feel very bad that I'm so slow with answering, I really think about you everyday. It's not like I don't have enough time, I'm just in terrible mood.
Nothing bad happened, I have also good relations with my friends. I just feel like my life is really pathetic and somehow I can't think of anything positive about my future. I don't earn money and I'm 25 - this year I will finish my studies but I have an impression that I don't have anough of preofessional skills(esp ones connected with programmes which need action script), I don't even know how I'll finish my diploma project becouse level is really above my level of informatic knowledge. My school is very expensive - my grandmother gave most of her savings for it and I feel so bad that I'm still such noob in most of things that I' learn there.
My drawing skills are a different topic - I'm improving them with every year, but I know that I'm not good enough to be a proffessional artist. Some of my friends earn quite big money from commissions and other things, I could be like them but I work to slow to do it. Also I feel that I'm not good anough to take money for my art.
I know that it's really time to find a job, but I don't know what to do. I should try to find anything - in places like shop or restaurants, but on the other hand I know that it would deeply dissapoint my family - esp my grandmother who really believes in me. On the other hand my parents complain that I'm too old whenever I ask them for money for important things like school books.
When I think about all of that my stomach hurts. Of course I know that the best solution would be to act like a shounen manga character, and face all problems and be a better artit/computer programist, but I'm too weak for that. It's my just stupid character, I always thought that I will work on it and everything will change. Now I think that it's too late, that I almost lost my chance to be a happy person.
My love life that never existed doesn't help, but opposite to my dying work ambitions, I knew for a very long time that nobody would love me, I even never kissed anyone, I don't deserve for deeper feelings of any valuable person, and since high school I knew that I'm not attractive enough to interest anyone. I wouldn't write about that but fact that I'm alone and probably it will never change also makes my family worried and that makes me feel like a even bigger life fail.
Today I sit whole day locked in my room and cry silently to not worry my mom, I wrote here it becouse I really wanted share it with someone, I wish that there was some shoulder to cry on. Why I can't be a "normal" adult?
First of all, I feel very bad that I'm so slow with answering, I really think about you everyday. It's not like I don't have enough time, I'm just in terrible mood.
Nothing bad happened, I have also good relations with my friends. I just feel like my life is really pathetic and somehow I can't think of anything positive about my future. I don't earn money and I'm 25 - this year I will finish my studies but I have an impression that I don't have anough of preofessional skills(esp ones connected with programmes which need action script), I don't even know how I'll finish my diploma project becouse level is really above my level of informatic knowledge. My school is very expensive - my grandmother gave most of her savings for it and I feel so bad that I'm still such noob in most of things that I' learn there.
My drawing skills are a different topic - I'm improving them with every year, but I know that I'm not good enough to be a proffessional artist. Some of my friends earn quite big money from commissions and other things, I could be like them but I work to slow to do it. Also I feel that I'm not good anough to take money for my art.
I know that it's really time to find a job, but I don't know what to do. I should try to find anything - in places like shop or restaurants, but on the other hand I know that it would deeply dissapoint my family - esp my grandmother who really believes in me. On the other hand my parents complain that I'm too old whenever I ask them for money for important things like school books.
When I think about all of that my stomach hurts. Of course I know that the best solution would be to act like a shounen manga character, and face all problems and be a better artit/computer programist, but I'm too weak for that. It's my just stupid character, I always thought that I will work on it and everything will change. Now I think that it's too late, that I almost lost my chance to be a happy person.
My love life that never existed doesn't help, but opposite to my dying work ambitions, I knew for a very long time that nobody would love me, I even never kissed anyone, I don't deserve for deeper feelings of any valuable person, and since high school I knew that I'm not attractive enough to interest anyone. I wouldn't write about that but fact that I'm alone and probably it will never change also makes my family worried and that makes me feel like a even bigger life fail.
Today I sit whole day locked in my room and cry silently to not worry my mom, I wrote here it becouse I really wanted share it with someone, I wish that there was some shoulder to cry on. Why I can't be a "normal" adult?