(no subject)
can you even believe that it's been over a year since i've written a single thing on livejournal? i guess i got back into journaling in notebooks again. hand-writing everything gives you time to think it out, to realize that just because it is thought it is not necessarily true or worth believing. i realized that i was starting to type some shit on my tumblr that started to come out just like the voice i used to write in my journals, and for the first time it felt natural to type my thoughts and feelings in a really long time. things have changed so much. this is what i started to (and will now finish) write:
i could see the judgement on my counselor's face when i told her about all of the bruises and marks that were left on me. maybe it was just vicarious pain. i know that most people don't get why i like being beaten up, and sometimes i'm not sure i really "get" it either, but i promise you that everything is always consensual and safe and honestly a lot of fun. i had a date with a different boy the next day, he was so sweet and kind, and when he started to pull off my dress i told him that he would see everything. this completely freaked him out and instead of fooling around any longer, we laid on his bed while he cried about how weird and intense it all was, and then we shared more secrets and studied each other's faces and sang along to lonesome crowded west in the car on the drive back in the snow. who the fuck even knows what i'm doing because i realize that i need to be focusing on my career right now, but the only trouble is that i have to have a life outside of work and school too, so how do i balance it all? i need to do better in school, i need to be more proactive about my grades because anything lower than a "B" is a failing mark in graduate school
my job is... crazy. i wish there was a better word. outrageous? absurd? unpredictable? chaotic, intense, fast-paced, emotional, intimate, unstable. i work in a residential mental health treatment home for children; we provide the highest level of long-term care in the state. our kids have serious histories of trauma and behavioral "problems"; they basically don't come to our program unless they've been committing crimes or hurting themselves. recently i watched "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" for a class project and i was pretty alarmed at how realistic and accurately it portrayed working with mentally ill people. obviously things have changed since then, but some people really are cruel...
music has brought me so much joy these past few months. recently i am feeling pretty positive, pretty present. but i've also been feeling restless and a little volatile so i told my counselor about it yesterday. she told me that she thinks i'm just finally adjusting to life without all of my baggage in the way, that my nervous system is just getting used to taking in and storing all of this information about my feelings now that the darkness is leaving and my real self, my soul can shine through. my body has to get used to seeing the world differently, i guess. now that i can calm down about feeling funny, i can start figuring out the purpose that my self-destructive behaviors serve for me... lisa said that maybe it would help to conceptualize myself just as i would one of my clients, and to use that to have compassion for myself in the same way i would for them. apparently only then will i really be able to see my true needs. i don't know. maybe this is all bullshit, eh? maybe my whole field doesn't actually do a damn thing to help people and we're just talking out of our asses. it sure feels like that sometimes...
for the first time in my life i want to dye my hair. like, my entire head. i've had a little blond patch for ages but i think i want to dye my hair black. or at least a darker brown... or a dark red. i think it's just time for a big change, you know? i've been in vermont for a year and a half now and with all of the changes my hair has stayed the same. i feel so different i can hardly believe it when i look the same in the mirror... and i think i need a change to feel good about myself right now. i've been struggling with body image stuff again, but i think it's so intricately connected with my other issues, so i guess it makes sense that it's coming up right now.
this has really been such an amazing time in my life though. i don't think i could have learned half as much at school as i have at my job, and i get to do fun things with kids most of the time, and i am financially independent and secure, and i am finally healing from a lot of junk. although i don't think i can stay in vermont much after i graduate from grad school. it's just too rural for me, i guess. i miss hustle and bustle. brittany and i have plans to move to the city sometime when i'm done with school, but that is far in the future. i miss her dearly.
as i type this i am procrastinating my first paper of the semester. it's a research review of any counseling model we choose. i picked narrative therapy for a multitude of reasons, but i do particularly connect with and relate to it. the basic theoretical idea is that people create meaning through the stories they tell. our stories are often influenced by dominant narratives--socially constructed cultural ideas of reality. oftentimes these dominant narratives, prescribed by culture and society, do not represent our actual experience. so when we can externalize our problems, which have been framed by dominant narratives rather than our own personal narratives, we can begin to heal and tell our story from a new and preferred perspective. so goddamn it, i want to tell my story from my own perspective! i want to truly be able to separate myself from the things that i have learned from society so that i can truly love myself again for everything that i am
i could see the judgement on my counselor's face when i told her about all of the bruises and marks that were left on me. maybe it was just vicarious pain. i know that most people don't get why i like being beaten up, and sometimes i'm not sure i really "get" it either, but i promise you that everything is always consensual and safe and honestly a lot of fun. i had a date with a different boy the next day, he was so sweet and kind, and when he started to pull off my dress i told him that he would see everything. this completely freaked him out and instead of fooling around any longer, we laid on his bed while he cried about how weird and intense it all was, and then we shared more secrets and studied each other's faces and sang along to lonesome crowded west in the car on the drive back in the snow. who the fuck even knows what i'm doing because i realize that i need to be focusing on my career right now, but the only trouble is that i have to have a life outside of work and school too, so how do i balance it all? i need to do better in school, i need to be more proactive about my grades because anything lower than a "B" is a failing mark in graduate school
my job is... crazy. i wish there was a better word. outrageous? absurd? unpredictable? chaotic, intense, fast-paced, emotional, intimate, unstable. i work in a residential mental health treatment home for children; we provide the highest level of long-term care in the state. our kids have serious histories of trauma and behavioral "problems"; they basically don't come to our program unless they've been committing crimes or hurting themselves. recently i watched "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" for a class project and i was pretty alarmed at how realistic and accurately it portrayed working with mentally ill people. obviously things have changed since then, but some people really are cruel...
music has brought me so much joy these past few months. recently i am feeling pretty positive, pretty present. but i've also been feeling restless and a little volatile so i told my counselor about it yesterday. she told me that she thinks i'm just finally adjusting to life without all of my baggage in the way, that my nervous system is just getting used to taking in and storing all of this information about my feelings now that the darkness is leaving and my real self, my soul can shine through. my body has to get used to seeing the world differently, i guess. now that i can calm down about feeling funny, i can start figuring out the purpose that my self-destructive behaviors serve for me... lisa said that maybe it would help to conceptualize myself just as i would one of my clients, and to use that to have compassion for myself in the same way i would for them. apparently only then will i really be able to see my true needs. i don't know. maybe this is all bullshit, eh? maybe my whole field doesn't actually do a damn thing to help people and we're just talking out of our asses. it sure feels like that sometimes...
for the first time in my life i want to dye my hair. like, my entire head. i've had a little blond patch for ages but i think i want to dye my hair black. or at least a darker brown... or a dark red. i think it's just time for a big change, you know? i've been in vermont for a year and a half now and with all of the changes my hair has stayed the same. i feel so different i can hardly believe it when i look the same in the mirror... and i think i need a change to feel good about myself right now. i've been struggling with body image stuff again, but i think it's so intricately connected with my other issues, so i guess it makes sense that it's coming up right now.
this has really been such an amazing time in my life though. i don't think i could have learned half as much at school as i have at my job, and i get to do fun things with kids most of the time, and i am financially independent and secure, and i am finally healing from a lot of junk. although i don't think i can stay in vermont much after i graduate from grad school. it's just too rural for me, i guess. i miss hustle and bustle. brittany and i have plans to move to the city sometime when i'm done with school, but that is far in the future. i miss her dearly.
as i type this i am procrastinating my first paper of the semester. it's a research review of any counseling model we choose. i picked narrative therapy for a multitude of reasons, but i do particularly connect with and relate to it. the basic theoretical idea is that people create meaning through the stories they tell. our stories are often influenced by dominant narratives--socially constructed cultural ideas of reality. oftentimes these dominant narratives, prescribed by culture and society, do not represent our actual experience. so when we can externalize our problems, which have been framed by dominant narratives rather than our own personal narratives, we can begin to heal and tell our story from a new and preferred perspective. so goddamn it, i want to tell my story from my own perspective! i want to truly be able to separate myself from the things that i have learned from society so that i can truly love myself again for everything that i am