This entry may make you want to puke, or maybe thats the chemo talking
Disclaimer: This is going to be an EXTREMELY cheesy entry.
I was just now reading an excellent short story for my Creative Writing class and this euphoria suddenly overtook me. It was a nice moment all in all, don't get me wrong, listening to music while reading under lamp light, it is the kind of moment that will pass by forgotten in a month or two, but at this point in my life was amazing.
This incident is an example of an overall joy I am beginning to feel. As time moves forward from the awful state I was in upon my taking incompletes, I am beginning to actually trust that living under chemotherapy and steroid treatment is going to be a LOT easier than living with Lupus. I really got misty eyed just now from realizing that I was happy, calm, that my body felt good.. that I was COMFORTABLE. I'm sure in a month or so I will be taking it just as much for granted as everyone else, but right now, and I hate this expression as a staunch atheist, but I feel like I was reborn, given another chance.
I may be being overdramatic in ways, but the biopsy results were that my body is, or was, starting to die. I have a potentially fatal disease, and that disease had begun to destroy my vital organs (kidneys.) I am in the 4th stage of Lupus, the 4th stage out of 4. After the vital organs are attacked there is no fifth stage. There is no lupus. No kidneys. There is no patient. I don't know how to talk about this without seeming extremely dramatic, since sickness and death are a sort of cornerstone for drama.
Although there IS medical treatment, and I am receiving it, and am not going to lose my kidneys or die right now, it is still extremely hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that without intervention, I would have continued to suffer until death. I haven't come back to life from death, but I have come back to life from dying.
I wish I could hold onto this exhiliration forever, this grand excitement every time I pull my shirt off for bed and its not a big production. I wish I could hold onto the feeling of flying every time I run. In a way that makes me feel extremely guilty I am, in a WAY, glad that this happened to me. I am sure my mind will be changed during the next chemo treatment.
So yes, those are my fuzzy, squishy feelings inside.
I was just now reading an excellent short story for my Creative Writing class and this euphoria suddenly overtook me. It was a nice moment all in all, don't get me wrong, listening to music while reading under lamp light, it is the kind of moment that will pass by forgotten in a month or two, but at this point in my life was amazing.
This incident is an example of an overall joy I am beginning to feel. As time moves forward from the awful state I was in upon my taking incompletes, I am beginning to actually trust that living under chemotherapy and steroid treatment is going to be a LOT easier than living with Lupus. I really got misty eyed just now from realizing that I was happy, calm, that my body felt good.. that I was COMFORTABLE. I'm sure in a month or so I will be taking it just as much for granted as everyone else, but right now, and I hate this expression as a staunch atheist, but I feel like I was reborn, given another chance.
I may be being overdramatic in ways, but the biopsy results were that my body is, or was, starting to die. I have a potentially fatal disease, and that disease had begun to destroy my vital organs (kidneys.) I am in the 4th stage of Lupus, the 4th stage out of 4. After the vital organs are attacked there is no fifth stage. There is no lupus. No kidneys. There is no patient. I don't know how to talk about this without seeming extremely dramatic, since sickness and death are a sort of cornerstone for drama.
Although there IS medical treatment, and I am receiving it, and am not going to lose my kidneys or die right now, it is still extremely hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that without intervention, I would have continued to suffer until death. I haven't come back to life from death, but I have come back to life from dying.
I wish I could hold onto this exhiliration forever, this grand excitement every time I pull my shirt off for bed and its not a big production. I wish I could hold onto the feeling of flying every time I run. In a way that makes me feel extremely guilty I am, in a WAY, glad that this happened to me. I am sure my mind will be changed during the next chemo treatment.
So yes, those are my fuzzy, squishy feelings inside.