your only where you put yourself
im really pissed off right now and i dont know how this is going to come out because my mind is running a lot fucking faster then my fingers but whatever ive got to get this down and out.
today im really pissed off! and not at anybody but myself! i let myself down and that pisses me off!
i knew if i applied for that 1 fucking position that i could have gotten it, i know i could have, but i passed up my chance and now im pissed at myself for that. i want to break something i really care about because im so mad at myself.
now im going to have to spend a semester, maybe even a year following footsteps and not getting credit for my own work and that drives me crazy! i didnt even think about it. it took one person to say one thing to make my brain work and think and get pissed at myself for it. i could have had it and i passed it up! WHAT WAS I THINKING????? I wish I knew!
I could have had what could have pushed the rest of my life exactly where i wanted it and i brushed it off, i feel so stupid for that!
i dont have to like everyone i work with, i know have to like anyone, but when it comes to work i shut the fuck up and do it right!
I rarely have faith in anything anymore, i find it hard to when out of all the people that have and will let me down, even I was stupid enough to do it to myself! of what i do (or did) have faith in, i have/had faith that I can get MY job done, and as far as im concerned, that'll get me farther then everyone else when their having soap operas and im co-operating with whoever wants me to
but im not going to follow one dunbass, the only dumbass that applied for the position because i was too stupid to, for a year to have my marks and experiance look like shit because shes a lazy asshole! she spent the whole summer telling josh to do shit for her, she knew about the xfm games when i asked about them in the first meeting and didnt say shit, so shes going to have to show me shes going to take this seriously because what i can see is that to her this is nothing but to me its the rest of my life, its who i am, its who i want to be, its what i worked during high school for: to get my stupid ass out of that city and into this program! I'm sure she gets money wherever whenever, ive had to work to be here and im not going to sit down and shut up and let her take credit for the work i do in the end! and you have no idea how pissed i am that she has that job! not pissed at her but at me for not trying to get it because i know i could have and now shes going to make everything look like its hers and i hate fucking people that do that! i hate them and i hate myself for not even trying! i hate myself for fucking up during the first semester which fucked me up here! i hate myself right now because i put myself where i am right now, at the bottom of a list when i could have been at the top.
the past few weeks and months and maybe even years ive been angry and disappointed in people for letting me down and then i turned around and did it to myself and that makes me so so..... so stupid!
i knew i could have gotten it
i knew i could have
why i didnt try harder or ever APPLY i have no idea but now im angry at myself for doing it and its my own fucking fault!
it sucks when other people fuck you over and leave you hanging, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when you do it to yourself!
what can i say
fuck
thats all i can say!
today im really pissed off! and not at anybody but myself! i let myself down and that pisses me off!
i knew if i applied for that 1 fucking position that i could have gotten it, i know i could have, but i passed up my chance and now im pissed at myself for that. i want to break something i really care about because im so mad at myself.
now im going to have to spend a semester, maybe even a year following footsteps and not getting credit for my own work and that drives me crazy! i didnt even think about it. it took one person to say one thing to make my brain work and think and get pissed at myself for it. i could have had it and i passed it up! WHAT WAS I THINKING????? I wish I knew!
I could have had what could have pushed the rest of my life exactly where i wanted it and i brushed it off, i feel so stupid for that!
i dont have to like everyone i work with, i know have to like anyone, but when it comes to work i shut the fuck up and do it right!
I rarely have faith in anything anymore, i find it hard to when out of all the people that have and will let me down, even I was stupid enough to do it to myself! of what i do (or did) have faith in, i have/had faith that I can get MY job done, and as far as im concerned, that'll get me farther then everyone else when their having soap operas and im co-operating with whoever wants me to
but im not going to follow one dunbass, the only dumbass that applied for the position because i was too stupid to, for a year to have my marks and experiance look like shit because shes a lazy asshole! she spent the whole summer telling josh to do shit for her, she knew about the xfm games when i asked about them in the first meeting and didnt say shit, so shes going to have to show me shes going to take this seriously because what i can see is that to her this is nothing but to me its the rest of my life, its who i am, its who i want to be, its what i worked during high school for: to get my stupid ass out of that city and into this program! I'm sure she gets money wherever whenever, ive had to work to be here and im not going to sit down and shut up and let her take credit for the work i do in the end! and you have no idea how pissed i am that she has that job! not pissed at her but at me for not trying to get it because i know i could have and now shes going to make everything look like its hers and i hate fucking people that do that! i hate them and i hate myself for not even trying! i hate myself for fucking up during the first semester which fucked me up here! i hate myself right now because i put myself where i am right now, at the bottom of a list when i could have been at the top.
the past few weeks and months and maybe even years ive been angry and disappointed in people for letting me down and then i turned around and did it to myself and that makes me so so..... so stupid!
i knew i could have gotten it
i knew i could have
why i didnt try harder or ever APPLY i have no idea but now im angry at myself for doing it and its my own fucking fault!
it sucks when other people fuck you over and leave you hanging, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when you do it to yourself!
what can i say
fuck
thats all i can say!