Meeting the RE
Since my last post, I met my Reproductive Endocrinologist (Dr. L) and have begun a new round of treatment in hopes of conceiving. Our first meeting with Dr. L was amazing. He was very open and accommodating in answering any questions we had. We even had a meeting with the billing lady to go over exactly what our insurance did and didn't cover. The whole process was very thorough and we were to schedule another round of bloodwork, seman analysis, genetic testing and an ultrasound to see where everything stood since being tested last year.
Dr. L reviewed my films from my HSG and MRI and following the ultrasound, he said that my uterus was actually quite generous for a UU, and that if he hadn't known better, he would've thought I was completely normal. That was great news! Hopefully that means I will have fewer complications associated with UU due to the smaller size many women experience. R's second analysis was good, and there should be no reason on his end why I'm not getting pregnant. So there's that. So what's going on then? I made a comment to Dr. L about the rarity of occurrence for an egg from one ovary to cross the abdomen and be picked up by the opposite tube. He corrected me and said that it is more common than I think. Apparently, there was a study done in baboons with one ovary and only the opposite fallopian tube and pregnancy occurred in 75-80% of cases. He explained that the fallopian tube sweeps back and forth inside the body scanning for the elusive egg. Combine that motion, with the suction that happens and it should (in theory) hoover up that egg should it be in the general vicinity. I've shared this info with the ladies in my UU groups, and they all refuse to believe it because their doctors have told them it is super rare. Of course that only confuses me, and now I don't know what to believe, but even if it's just a slight chance, it is still a possibility.
Our new plan is to adjust our meds only plan, repeat for up to 4 cycles and then re-evaluate. The new protocol is: get a baseline ultrasound on day 2 or 3 of my cycle, double the Letrozole to 5 mg on days 3-7, then another ultrasound on day 11 to check the follicle growth and see when to trigger ovulation with a shot of Ovidrel which is HCG Hormone that I give myself. Then have "relations" the night I trigger and the following 2 nights. After that, I'm to take a pregnancy test in two weeks and call the office if it's positive or if my period comes to start again.
I went through the first cycle, and Aunt Flo showed up 12 days following my trigger shot. I started spotting on 11 DPT (Days past trigger) and grew concerns that maybe I should still be on progesterone. My blood work this time around showed that my progesterone levels were normal, when before they were low, so Dr. L didn't prescribe it. At my CD 11 ultrasound, the nurse said my lining looked great, and i had two follicles, one on each ovary, the left side being the bigger one. They weren't quite big enough, so I had to come in again for another ultrasound. The goal size to trigger is 18 mm. The left one measured at 20, and the right at 17.5, so the doc's instructions were to wait a day and then trigger followed by 3 days of "relations". I was a hot, holy mess when AF came. Doc had warned that because of the amped up meds, my hormones were going to affect me more, and I had a full on breakdown at work during my period. It sucked.
Let me explain. This winter has been tough in general, and I guess it all culminated into one big disaster right after Valentine's Day. I was very hopeful for the final cycle of the year, even though I wasn't on meds at that time and hoped that I would have a belated Christmas surprise. No such luck. Instead, I found out that 2 more family members were expecting. One was actually a gender reveal, which led me to over analyze and question as to whether the family had been keeping the news a secret from me. When I saw the announcement on Facebook, I asked R if he knew about it, and he said he did "for a while". What the hell?! He couldn't tell me how long he knew, or if I just sounded familiar because this is #3 for this family and he was recalling the first 2 announcements. Of course, this was right as I'm heading out to work, so I had the whole night to spiral out of control with conspiracy theories. It is with this announcement that I can now say a friend/family member has had not 1 but 2 children in the span that R and I have been trying. Even with that, I was less upset about the announcement and more angry that the news had been potentially kept from me on purpose. I understand that some folks won't want to share such news with me because they don't want me to get upset, but hiding it will only make it worse. I've had a couple friends tell me privately they were expecting before they annouced it on Facebook. I don't deserve any special notice over anyone else, and I know that. I don't expect it, but it was very nice of them to think of me and give me a heads up. Don't get me wrong, I don't know for sure that this particular announcement was being withheld from me, but it certainly seemed like it when R's response to "Did you know about this" was "Yes", and "for how long" was "I don't konw, a while." The next cycle was our first on this new meds program. This time, I was hoping for a Valentine's announcement. This could be it. I had stuck myself with a damn needle to the belly and everything! All I got instead, was two more of my friends/family announcing they're expecting. Damn it. I'm primed and ready for an emotional breakdown.
The conversation that set me off at work was a coworker asked me to come to my boss's baby shower. I don't like this boss, and she has since quit, so I didn't want to go mostly because of that, but a small part of me didn't want to potentially combat a meltdown at the party. I had done very well spending the winter working as a holiday portrait photographer taking pictures of babies 24/7 with little incident. Occasionally I would get teary because the kids would be so sweet and cute, I wanted the same so badly it brought me to tears, but I was able to keep it limited to a little eye-watering I could blame on allergies or something. But I wasn't going to over do it with a full on baby-themed party. The conversation quickly turned from my boss's party to "when are you going to have a baby so I can throw you a party" and on came the waterworks. I was already having a rough day, and that pushed me over the edge with perfect timing--I just got a table and had to go greet them. I got through the night anyway. Right now I'm in the Two Week Wait to see if cycle 2 was a success.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much anymore, but it is hard. I want to be positive, but it hurts a lot more when the cycle ends in failure. Sometimes I feel like I need to watch a sad movie or something and have a nice long cry to reset my nerves. I'm also trying to remember my deep breathing exercises when I get stressed and upset. Despite how it sounds, part of me is still hopeful that we'll make some progress this year. But I can't help it that another part of me is still trying to prepare for bad news and that this may never happen for us. A story went around on Facebook about 4 siblings who needed to be adopted together. We have more than enough room and the house, and they looked so sweet, of course I started to think about it, but I honestly don't think I'm ready to cross that bridge yet. I definitely wish I hadn't spent so much time with the OBGYN before transitioning to the RE, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. So onward we go. I'm hoping to become a mommy to a doggie sometime in the near future. I told R that I WILL be mother to SOMETHING by this Mother's Day, come hell or high water, and after watching my other boss's sweet pup for the weekend, I'm hoping it'll happen sooner rather than later. If only we could agree on a breed... :)