Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
This sums up my progress. In the midst of the turmoil, before my MRI and right before Fertile Myrtle so graciously stepped out of my life, I was given a glimmer of hope that perhaps my prayers would be answered and I would conceive without medical aid. FM had given me the heads up she would be making her baby announcement official on Facebook. That, I was anticipating. What I was not anticipating, was that another friend would be making her Facebook announcement the next day. I'd like to call this friend "Dory". Dory too has faced infertility for many years, but has adopted the attitude of her Finding Nemo namesake and "just kept swimming" against the current. A few years ago, she was blessed with her first child after trying for several years. Dory & her husband have been working toward #2 for a couple years recently and finally got the good news. The stork had found them once again. I reacted much differently to Dory's news than I had to Myrtle's. I understood Dory's struggle. Her journey to motherhood has been long and hard. Let's be clear, I'm not saying she "deserved" a baby more than Myrtle, but Myrtle was blowing her "trouble" conceiving way out of proportion (with no data to base it on), and I took offense to that. Dory's struggle was real, and she had been praying for this for much longer. I sympathized with her. I wasn't angry at the news this time. I was still a little sad it wasn't my news, but ultimately I was relieved and happy for Dory to finally get the second child she'd been waiting for, and that outweighed the sadness.
Then I started thinking. Bad idea. I tend to over think everything. Both Dory & Myrtle were in my wedding. Both had children less than a year apart. Both were expecting now. I met both the same year in college. There's a superstition of sorts that things like this happen in threes. Is it possible I could be #3 in this pregnancy chain? I had given it a little though after I read that women tend to be super fertile following an HSG. This month was more like a Hail Mary. Doubt it will work, but it would be so cool if it did. R & I were still doing our part in the process, but I had pretty much accepted that because of my hormone issues, I most likely wasn't going to get pregnant without help. But... maybe this was a sign. Surely this wasn't all a coincidence. I could really be next. I checked my calendar. It all added up. The timing was right. I was supposed to get a visit from "Aunt Flo" (AF) in a few days so I'd know soon.
Finally the moment of truth came. Typically, I spot a few days before AF. So far, nothing. Oh my gosh. I was expecting AF that very day, and so far there was no sign of her. This could really be happening. Myrtle told me to take a test. I was afraid to. I was my usual 11 days past ovulation (DPO). This is the fewest number of days that a body can support an embryo to grow. 11 DPO can still give a negative on a test even if you are pregnant, so testing isn't always reliable. I decided to wait it out. Later that day, I noticed just the smallest amount of blood. It could be implantation bleeding. That's a thing. Implantation can happen between 6-11 DPO. My head tried to convince me this could be it, but my heart knew. The next day AF arrived in all her glory.
I was devastated. This was the biggest let down yet. Not because I had wanted it so badly, but because I didn't think it was possible at first. I didn't honestly believe this could be the month. That was before. Before my friends got the answers to their prayers. Their blessings have me hope that I could get one too. I thought that since their timing was so close, that maybe I would be right behind them. Myrtle found out on her passed mother-in-law's birthday. Miracle. Dory got her news after nearly two years of trying. Miracle. I wanted to believe I was next, but was still somewhat hesitant. All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed, right? My faith may be waning, but I'm pretty sure I can manage a mustard seed's worth.
Matt. 17:20 "You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."
Luke 17:6 "The Lord answered, "If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,' and it would obey you!"
I can only assume that it just wasn't enough for my miracle.
I was foolish to think my body would heal itself. God wasn't with me here. I was foolish to have second guessed science. Miracles happen to other people. It is my family curse, after all. I broke down again, although not with the same intensity as before. So I guess that's something. I felt broken, and stupid. I wasn't angry this time. Just disappointed. Disappointed in myself for getting carried away. I felt tricked. The hope I had found, turned out to be false. We were on the right path to find answers. We just had to keep working for it and get a little help. Following Myrtle's news, I was angry. But despite not getting my own miracle, Dory's news still gave me a little hope. In the end, she still got her miracle babies. It just took a while. So long as my equipment is in decent working order, it's possible I can still get mine. I just have to wait it out. I'll have to "just keep swimming". And R will have to continue to be my Marlin and keep my butt in line when I become forgetful and my mind wanders off track.