(no subject)
Despite my ambivalence in Astronomy, I have never worked this hard before in my life. So far this semester, I do the class readings, I make drafts of papers and get them critiqued by professors before their due, check my answers (!!) and I make notecards of all important information more than a day before the exams. Of course, there are times when I fall behind in doing these things, but they all ultimately get done.
Part of it, obviously, is that I just have so much more work to do this semester. With three 300's, a lab science and an Econ class by Lindauer, sometimes (read: the past few weeks) I feel like the workload is unbearable, but it appears that I'm bearing it. I hate asking for extensions, and I've only had to ask for one so far and Professor Lee actually preferred that I change it to this later time than what I had actually scheduled the exam for.
I worry sometimes that because I only show up to Korean once a week, I'm missing a lot and falling behind, but I talked to her recently and she said that despite my abilities in Korean being well below that of the rest of the class, I'm improving and that's all that's important. Not only was that such a relief to hear, but it really made me think about why I love taking Korean with her so much. I don't need the credit, and with weekly essays, news summaries and bookwork on top of particular papers, debates, etc. that she assigns, sometimes I think this class isn't worth it. It's really moments like those, when my professor acknowledges my efforts and my improvement and see's that as the bar to base her assessment of me that I feel... redeemed. Encouraged, too. It makes me want to push myself more, do better, really improve.
This is all beside the point. The purpose of my writing this is to record this time in my life as the time when I got fucking close to the tipping point.
I may not be the most efficient person, but there is no doubt that I've become more efficient in my work. Present excluded, I tend to waste less time than I used to. Part of me is beating myself up for not working like this before - for not really doing what I can. I mean, I still don't believe that I'm doing my "best," but I think I'm closer to doing the best within each individual circumstance than I was before. (My irrational thinking: My best is always better than the best that I can do in a given situation. Chalk it up to self-preservation schemata or whatever but that's just how it is.)
The other part of me wonders if it's safe to work this hard. I think this is probably the cognitively dissonant part of me that is trying to convince myself that it's alright that I squandered my first two years here.
Obviously I over-analyze my thoughts, feelings and actions. I tend to internalize whatever Psych findings that I learn and use them to evaluate intellectualize whatever I go through so much that I've become distanced from my present self (the here and now!!).
That being said, existential psychotherapy is really making me think about my life thus far. I was on the phone with mother for such a long time just talking about this. All these things that I never did because they're "bad" for me, but are they really bad? What's the point of keeping my body free of impurities if I die before such things really matter? When I look back on my life (assuming that there's time for me to reflect) what will I think? 'Wow - I really worked hard for my future.' or 'I was such a practical person.' Extreme, yes, but true nonetheless.
I'm obviously not as practical as others, but even my selfish desires I perform and acquire within a future-based, rational mindset.
What I want, what I need is to experience a purely present-tied moment. But, that's for later. Now, I'll worry about the ramifications of putting Astro of the backburner of backburners. Special relativity and nuclear fusion is going to kick my ass. (I thought we were going to look at stars and calculate distances to the sun. Why does Astro look a lot like Chem and Physics? Whine, whine, whine.)
I hope this stress-induced, Redbull-fueled post rant makes sense to me when I'm older.
Part of it, obviously, is that I just have so much more work to do this semester. With three 300's, a lab science and an Econ class by Lindauer, sometimes (read: the past few weeks) I feel like the workload is unbearable, but it appears that I'm bearing it. I hate asking for extensions, and I've only had to ask for one so far and Professor Lee actually preferred that I change it to this later time than what I had actually scheduled the exam for.
I worry sometimes that because I only show up to Korean once a week, I'm missing a lot and falling behind, but I talked to her recently and she said that despite my abilities in Korean being well below that of the rest of the class, I'm improving and that's all that's important. Not only was that such a relief to hear, but it really made me think about why I love taking Korean with her so much. I don't need the credit, and with weekly essays, news summaries and bookwork on top of particular papers, debates, etc. that she assigns, sometimes I think this class isn't worth it. It's really moments like those, when my professor acknowledges my efforts and my improvement and see's that as the bar to base her assessment of me that I feel... redeemed. Encouraged, too. It makes me want to push myself more, do better, really improve.
This is all beside the point. The purpose of my writing this is to record this time in my life as the time when I got fucking close to the tipping point.
I may not be the most efficient person, but there is no doubt that I've become more efficient in my work. Present excluded, I tend to waste less time than I used to. Part of me is beating myself up for not working like this before - for not really doing what I can. I mean, I still don't believe that I'm doing my "best," but I think I'm closer to doing the best within each individual circumstance than I was before. (My irrational thinking: My best is always better than the best that I can do in a given situation. Chalk it up to self-preservation schemata or whatever but that's just how it is.)
The other part of me wonders if it's safe to work this hard. I think this is probably the cognitively dissonant part of me that is trying to convince myself that it's alright that I squandered my first two years here.
Obviously I over-analyze my thoughts, feelings and actions. I tend to internalize whatever Psych findings that I learn and use them to evaluate intellectualize whatever I go through so much that I've become distanced from my present self (the here and now!!).
That being said, existential psychotherapy is really making me think about my life thus far. I was on the phone with mother for such a long time just talking about this. All these things that I never did because they're "bad" for me, but are they really bad? What's the point of keeping my body free of impurities if I die before such things really matter? When I look back on my life (assuming that there's time for me to reflect) what will I think? 'Wow - I really worked hard for my future.' or 'I was such a practical person.' Extreme, yes, but true nonetheless.
I'm obviously not as practical as others, but even my selfish desires I perform and acquire within a future-based, rational mindset.
What I want, what I need is to experience a purely present-tied moment. But, that's for later. Now, I'll worry about the ramifications of putting Astro of the backburner of backburners. Special relativity and nuclear fusion is going to kick my ass. (I thought we were going to look at stars and calculate distances to the sun. Why does Astro look a lot like Chem and Physics? Whine, whine, whine.)
I hope this stress-induced, Redbull-fueled post rant makes sense to me when I'm older.