Ranpa's Diary: What a Difference a Year Makes
Testing...testing...*sigh*
Dear audio diary...
Another lonely night closes in on the call center. Things have been so slow here lately. It seems not very many people are ordering things they see on TV by phone anymore; they're using the Internet more and more. So I don't get many calls.
Most of the few calls I get come for--and from--Dr. Ensui. But I haven't heard from him in several days. I'm starting to get a little worried. I even tried to call him today, but got a strange sort of busy signal. I hope he's all right.
All there is to do is play pinochle with my friend Son of Stinky... and he keeps winning. Turns out I'm pretty much the worst pinochle player on the face of the earth.
I KEEP TELLING YOU, WE COULD ALWAYS PLAY STRIP POKER!
But wouldn't that be unfair? You're a sock. You'd be at a real disadvantage, wouldn't you?
IF YOU PLAY POKER ANYTHING LIKE YOU PLAY PINOCHLE, THAT WOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
True enough...
HEY, CHEER UP, RANPA! I GOT US A BOOK TO LOOK AT!
PAGE 1
...Does he have something stuck to his face?
I THINK THAT'S A RANDOM PIECE OF BROKEN CONCRETE!
PAGE 2
CHECK IT OUT! HAFFA-GLASSES STOLE THE GREEN HORNET'S CAPE!
Did the Green Hornet wear a cape? I thought he didn't...
OF COURSE HE DIDN'T! BECAUSE HAFFA-GLASSES STOLE IT! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 3
Ohhh, that's right--Valentine's Day is coming up soon, isn't it! ...Although I never get anything for Valentine's Day...
I DO! I ALWAYS GET LOTS OF CHOCOLATES AND CANDIES AND FLOWERS AND-
*sigh*
PAGE 4
Look at the fellow with the long blonde hair--it looks like he doesn't get much practice at smiling.
IT MAY WELL BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!
PAGE 5
Oh my gosh! Is that the new thrill-coaster ride at Knott's Youkai Farm?
WOW, THE DRIVER LICENSE TEST IN THIS STATE SURE IS TOUGH! THEY MAKE YOU GO AT HIGH SPEED STRAIGHT DOWN A MOUNTAIN WITH TWO SQUAWKING PASSENGERS! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 6
Oh no! Straight down a mountain...and the end of the road looks really wet!
YOU GET EXTRA POINTS IF THE EXAMINER'S HAIR DOESN'T GET MESSED UP! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 7
There's that awful Hazel, having a flashback...with [*ulp*] dead youkai! Why do horrible things keep happening when Hazel's around?
OH, DIDN'T YOU KNOW? HIS SECRET IDENTITY IS THAT OF A BADASS PARAMILITARY ASSASSIN, CODENAME "BODY COUNT"!
... I didn't know that...
PAGE 8
That poor youkai boy didn't want to die!
NEITHER DID THAT PLANT! BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT DIDN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE IN THE MATTER!
I suppose plants seldom do...
PAGE 9
Look at all those crows! That's kind of creepy that they're circling directly overhead.
I BET THEY AREN'T SINGING "IF I SEE AN ELEPHANT FLY," EITHER! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 10
PRIESTY-PANTS IS HAVIN' FLASHBACKS, TOO! HAZEL MUST'VE MADE HIS EXTRA-SPECIAL S'MORES OVER THE CAMPFIRE TONIGHT!
Childhood...a time of menial physical labor...
TELL ME ABOUT IT...!
PAGE 11
MAN, IT SUCKS REMEMBERING WHEN YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES STARTED SPURTING GALLONS OF BLOOD LIKE EXTRAS IN A QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE!
Oh no...I've got a bad feeling about this...!
PAGE 12
And Mr. Priesty-pants turns around and sees who's interrupting their cookout...
IT'S HIS WORST NIGHTMARE COME ALL TOO TRUE!
PAGE 13
Oh no, it's that creepy guy again! The one directly responsible for all those deaths!
HE'S KINDA LIKE YOUR SCARY UNCLE WHO SHOWS UP UNANNOUNCED AT YOUR HOUSE EVERY NOW AND THEN AND WINDS UP STAYING FOR THREE WEEKS, SLEEPING ON THE COUCH IN THE BASEMENT ALL DAY AND WATCHING PORN ON CABLE ALL NIGHT!
That sounds like personal experience, Son of Stinky!
OH, IT WAS A ROUGH CHILDHOOD IN THE SOCK HOUSEHOLD, RANPA. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT SOMETIME.
PAGE 14
Mr. Priesty-pants doesn't seem to be very happy to see him...
BUT WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?? SCARY UNCLE HAS BROUGHT A PRESENT OF FLOWERS FROM THE 1960S! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
Do we know Scary Uncle's name?
SURE--THAT'S UNCLE-KU!
PAGE 15
Hazel and Gato had best hide behind a tree!
AND NOW THE TARGET PRACTICE BEGINS! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 16
He...he missed! How could he miss at such close range?! I thought he was a better shot than that!
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF UNCLE-KU! ESPECIALLY IF HE WIELDS THE BLINDINGLY WHITE HAT OF ETERNAL DOOM!
PAGE 17
NOW'S THE TIME FOR GETTING SERIOUS, WITH THE GUN AIMED DIRECTLY AT THE VITALS!
This looks like a "before the crime" flashback from an episode of "CSI"!
PAGE 18
UNCLE-KU IS SAYING, "YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH THAT THING--YOU COULD SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!"
He sure is gutsy. Not many people would be willing to taunt Mr. Priesty-pants to his face like that.
PAGE 19
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE NARROWLY MISSED A BROKEN JAW AND/OR CHIPPED TEETH!
Not to mention a severely bitten tongue-! Oh no, what's happening now?!
UNCLE-KU'S UNLEASHING THE TRUE, AWE-INSPIRING POWER OF HIS HAT--ITS PENCIL-SCRIBBLE BEAM!!
PAGE 20
Wait, what-? Did Mr. Priesty-pants purposely execute that stunning rotating-in-midair martial-arts move, or did Uncle-ku make him do it with his mystical hat abilities?
THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 21
Oh no! It's, um, zipatone! And pencil sketches! Oh, I wish I knew what was happening!
YEAH! THIS IS LIKE GOING TO A DRIVE-IN MOVIE AND HAVING TO WATCH IT FROM A TIN CAN HALF-BURIED IN THE DIRT!
... That sounds like more personal experience, Son of Stinky.
AND IF I WAS SMOKING A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW, RANPA, I'D PAUSE HERE FOR A THOUGHTFUL DRAG ON IT, AND THEN I'D SAY "YEAH, WE HAD IT REAL ROUGH." SHALL WE GO ON-?
Um, sure...
PAGE 22
AND NOW, PRIESTY-PANTS WILL SHOW US A DRAMATIC NEW WAY TO STYLE YOUR HAIR--WITH A PISTOL AT CLOSE RANGE!
He seems to have recovered from getting tossed around...if that's, um, what happened...
PAGE 23
Oh, ouch! That looks painful! Maybe Uncle-ku is one of those people who knows eight ways to kill a man with a piece of newspaper, and other useful things...
HEY, WHO DROPPED A PIECE OF KOBE BEEF ON THE PAGE?!
PAGE 24
More zipatone! And Mr. Priesty-pants dropped his gun! No wonder, with that death-grip that Uncle-ku had on his arm...
A PRIME EXAMPLE OF UNCLE-KU FU! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA! AND MEANWHILE, HAZEL IS WISHING HE HAD A MIRROR SO HE COULD ADMIRE HIMSELF IN IT!
PAGE 25
Oh no...Mr. Priesty-pants is bringing out the heavy artillery--he's gonna do the Makai Tenjo!
SCARY UNCLE'S REEEEEALLY IN TROUBLE!! HIS FRIES ARE GONNA GET FRENCHED FOR SURE NOW!
PAGE 26
It looks kind of like Hazel's remembering something he once heard about Uncle-ku's amazing abilities...
DO THOSE AMAZING ABILITIES HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH EATING ALL THE FOOD IN THE HOUSE AND CLOGGING UP THE TOILET?
...Your scary uncle sounds like he was quite a piece of work, Son of Stinky.
HEY, WHAT CAN I SAY? IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 27
Wha--? H-he...i-it...I didn't even think that was possible!
IT'S REALLY A "HOLE-Y" SUTRA NOW! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!
PAGE 28
UNCLE-KU IS SAYING, "THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!"
Ohhh, Mr. Priesty-pants is so upset...
WELL, SURE! HE'S TOTALLY GROUNDED NOW! PROBABLY FOR LIFE!
Wow, that story was really something, Son of Stinky. Action-packed and full of suspense!
YEAH, IT WAS QUITE A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE! ...SAY, THAT REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER SCARRING INCIDENT FROM MY CHILDHOOD.
Oh, really? What happened?
WELL, SEE, WE'D GONE TO THE ANNUAL "CRAYZEE DAYZE" CARNIVAL DOWNTOWN, ME AND MY MOM AND DAD AND 17 SIBLINGS, AND THERE WAS THIS CHEAP-O TRAVELING MIDWAY THERE WITH CRAPPY RIDES AND STUFF, AND WE...*spop* fssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst