are you ready for some football
i spent a lot of last week watching college bowl games which was really strange because i haven't watched football in a long time and it seems that once it was a big part of my life. i mean in high school i would watch it a lot on saturday afternoons. when my uncle was the head coach at north carolina state we watched a lot, cringed a lot as their seasons seemed to be getting worse and worse and his job was more and more in jeopardy and then he was fired. now he's back at clemson (where he was the star quarterback during his college years) and is the quarterback coach and so when i found out that the tigers were in the peach bowl i decided to watch. a few years ago, the first year that uncle mike was at nc state, he took the wolfpack to the peach bowl and my dad went with the other men of the family and they talked about how much fun it was, what great seats they had, and how crazy it was the my aunt sherry took a pistol into the georgia dome to protect herself. what i realized is that i miss things like college football in my life. it was nice to sit on the couch with my dad and step-mother, drink a beer and watch a game of football. it was just really nice for us all to be brought together like that and having fun and cheering and not talking about school and the future and courtney and everything that makes life the constant struggle that it is. i told dad that we should go to a bowl game next year if clemson is in one, that the whole family should go so that we can have fun and just be happy to be together, happy for uncle mike that he's back at clemson where his heart truly is, happy that we really are blessed. it's nice how sports can bring people together in that strange way. i guess that there are other things that serve the same purpose, but for my family both because we are a football family and because we are southern, football is the tie that binds.
this afternoon i went to see a movie with matt, jessie and robin. it was a good movie, kind of sad but with a really nice ending that gives us all that little bit of encouragement that things really do work out in the end of it all and even when you least expect it to. seeing matt and jessie was strange. i've always felt that my relationship with jessie has been a little forced and that we aren't really as close as some people might think. i mean, in govie school the three of us (robin, jessie and myself) always carpooled and so we spent a lot of time together, but outside of that we didn't really get together, just the two of us and hang out. even now, when we ride to charleston together it is robin that calls me and arranges for jessie to come with use. this is okay, but sometimes i just don't know how to feel about it all because i don't really know how to talk to her (especially when she's with matt) and sometimes kind of feel uninvited. i don't know. i feel bad, but i don't even wish that we were close, don't have the desire to really get to know her or understand her. i'm not sure why i feel this way but i do. and matt. oh fat. he's so strange and he has that strange way of making you interested in who he is even though he's quite boring and not that special. i don't know. i remember that one time when we were all eating lunch in the courtyard and that bird pooped on his shirt. that was the perfect matt moment and that's how i want to always remember him.
going to alexandria was nice. i spent some time with my grandmother which is always quiet but nice. we have a nice relationship where we don't always have to talk and yet we understand each other really well. anyway, if i get the internship at the smithsonian (which i really want), i will live with her and she will be happy. she, i think, really wants me around because she too can see that i'm growing up and away from home and that because we see each other so little now it will only get worse from here. this is the agony of having divorced parents, the way that it kind of separates you from people outside of your immediate family and makes things like getting the family together for holidays or vacations so much more difficult. this is a reason why i don't want to have children. ideally, i would like to have a family, but i just don't know how i feel about marriage. maybe i just won't get married, maybe i'll kind of have a "partner" with whom i live and there isn't the constant pressure of "keeping the marriage together." i don't know, i just don't want to raise my children in a broken home. it's worked out fine for me and other people that i know, but it was kind of painful for me when i was little and even know it's hard for me to find the medium between my two parents and there's always some sort of bad-blood that exists. when dad talks about the past he sometimes mentions how angry he would get at my mother and just sort of talk badly about her. or when my mother makes me angry or hurts me and i talk about it with my father and step-mother, my step-mother will make mean comments about mom, like she knows who she is and what motivates her. even my grandmother and aunt do this. i don't know, i always feel the need to defend her and i don't want my children to have to go through that. the agony of "choosing sides" and picking which parent they would rather live with, which parent they love the most. it's just so gross.
okay jeopardy is on. i'm off to watch.
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this afternoon i went to see a movie with matt, jessie and robin. it was a good movie, kind of sad but with a really nice ending that gives us all that little bit of encouragement that things really do work out in the end of it all and even when you least expect it to. seeing matt and jessie was strange. i've always felt that my relationship with jessie has been a little forced and that we aren't really as close as some people might think. i mean, in govie school the three of us (robin, jessie and myself) always carpooled and so we spent a lot of time together, but outside of that we didn't really get together, just the two of us and hang out. even now, when we ride to charleston together it is robin that calls me and arranges for jessie to come with use. this is okay, but sometimes i just don't know how to feel about it all because i don't really know how to talk to her (especially when she's with matt) and sometimes kind of feel uninvited. i don't know. i feel bad, but i don't even wish that we were close, don't have the desire to really get to know her or understand her. i'm not sure why i feel this way but i do. and matt. oh fat. he's so strange and he has that strange way of making you interested in who he is even though he's quite boring and not that special. i don't know. i remember that one time when we were all eating lunch in the courtyard and that bird pooped on his shirt. that was the perfect matt moment and that's how i want to always remember him.
going to alexandria was nice. i spent some time with my grandmother which is always quiet but nice. we have a nice relationship where we don't always have to talk and yet we understand each other really well. anyway, if i get the internship at the smithsonian (which i really want), i will live with her and she will be happy. she, i think, really wants me around because she too can see that i'm growing up and away from home and that because we see each other so little now it will only get worse from here. this is the agony of having divorced parents, the way that it kind of separates you from people outside of your immediate family and makes things like getting the family together for holidays or vacations so much more difficult. this is a reason why i don't want to have children. ideally, i would like to have a family, but i just don't know how i feel about marriage. maybe i just won't get married, maybe i'll kind of have a "partner" with whom i live and there isn't the constant pressure of "keeping the marriage together." i don't know, i just don't want to raise my children in a broken home. it's worked out fine for me and other people that i know, but it was kind of painful for me when i was little and even know it's hard for me to find the medium between my two parents and there's always some sort of bad-blood that exists. when dad talks about the past he sometimes mentions how angry he would get at my mother and just sort of talk badly about her. or when my mother makes me angry or hurts me and i talk about it with my father and step-mother, my step-mother will make mean comments about mom, like she knows who she is and what motivates her. even my grandmother and aunt do this. i don't know, i always feel the need to defend her and i don't want my children to have to go through that. the agony of "choosing sides" and picking which parent they would rather live with, which parent they love the most. it's just so gross.
okay jeopardy is on. i'm off to watch.
radio